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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how much your partner does with your children if you are a SAHP

117 replies

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 27/06/2020 20:53

Just that really.
If you are a stay at home parent - how much parenting does your partner do?
I’m a SAHM with two children and my dh has never done very much, he didn’t change a single nappy or do a night feed / waking when they were younger. He’s taken the older dc to the cinema twice on his own. He’s never taken them together anywhere without me. Is this the norm? They are 11 and 4 now. They’ve never been to the park or swimming or anything with him unless I’ve been there too.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/06/2020 14:36

He is awful OP - if you want time your daughter has to go to another schedule -

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 14:38

He’s out of bed now but asleep on the sofa in front of the football.
He’s not happy about me having a night away anyway, it was a real battle to get him to agree to one last summer. He said no initially.

OP posts:
Northernsoulgirl45 · 28/06/2020 14:38

Wow he really is selfish. Although tbh my dh is no better.
Two of our dc have some additional needs and need support toileting. I was out for a few hours yesterday and it was clear when I came home that she needed changing. He apparently asked. Err no. You have to be proactive
Good luck op

Magicbabywaves · 28/06/2020 14:40

It doesn’t sound like he loves you I’m afraid. I can’t imagine a world where my husband would say no to me going away for a night, or never even think to give me a lie in. You’re his skivvy.

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 14:42

He was very on edge about where I’d be sleeping for my evening away. I stopped at a friend’s house but she has three bedrooms and two children so dh was demanding to know where exactly I’d be sleeping. He wasn’t happy about it. He said it didn’t sound like I’d really be stopping there as she hasn’t got a spare room. She moved both children in together for the night. It took about four weeks for him to agree to me going.

OP posts:
GrouchyKiwi · 28/06/2020 14:44

He's not a parent, he's a sperm donor. It's not going to change your life much if he's not there any more, is it? Make him shape up or ship him out.

My DH has always done bedtimes, as long as he's home. So he'll get in the door from work (under normal circumstances) and do bath if it's bath night before getting the children into bed. He'll eat his dinner after that.

Saturdays are Dadurday in our house. I get a lie in, and he does the morning routine, makes the children lunch, takes them (and the dog) out for a wander in the afternoon to give me some time alone, and then does bedtime as normal. He gets a lie in on Sundays.

But he does more than that because I have a chronic health condition that became worse after having our last child. So there are days when he does literally everything while I sit on the sofa or stay in bed. I still do all the thinking, mind you.

DH knows that he's their parent too, and he WANTS to spend time with them. He loves reading to them, he loves playing games with them, and he knows that he has to do his fair share of dealing with shitty bottoms and shitty behaviour.j

I home educate the children too, so time alone is really important for me, where possible. Spending time with the children is DH's time off work, and he loves that. He gets plenty of time alone whilst cycling to and from work.

Your husband is worse than useless, frankly.

Praiseyou · 28/06/2020 14:46

Sorry I really don't want to make you feel worse but he said No to a night away? Why do you need permission? You are not a child.

Obviously if I am planning a night away with friends, I will check dates with dh to make sure he's available (like he would do with me) but there would be no question of me asking his permission to go.

Is it a financial thing? Does he control the money?

Do you have any options for getting a job? I don't want to rant but I feel really strongly about women retaining their financial independence.

Your own job, your own money, your own decisions. And he would have to share childcare.

MeadowHay · 28/06/2020 14:47

Is this for real??!? Wow. I feel so sad for you OP but then I also think why do you put up with this?!

DisobedientHamster · 28/06/2020 14:48

Your h is a dickhead and a shit excuse for a parent.

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 14:53

I would like to get a job but how easy will it currently be? Also I will then end up doing everything and working. As an added bonus I’m t1 diabetic and I’m up several times a night checking that and I often feel unwell. But I do need to go back to work, it is true.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 28/06/2020 15:00

Why, as a grown adult does your 'd'h have to agree for you to do something. I tell my dh I'm off out to meet friends etc he's the same as he tells me what he's doing. In fact he encourages me to go out. I usually plan a week or so in advance and let him know my plans. One afternoon my friend asked me last minute to got to a charity event that evening. Dh practically pushed me out of the door. We don't ask each other permission but are mindful of each other as we respect each other. My dh brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning. I sleep in both days on a weekend (currently as dc clubs aren't on). He will make dc breakfast, feed the cats etc. My dh always has been an early riser. Pre lock down we both went to the dc swimming lessons on a sat morning and dc rugby on a Sunday. I drop dc off to beavers/cubs, dh picks up. He Feeds the dc and did so as babies, he got up in the night with them. He changed their nappies, helps them with things. Cleans up their vomit. Showers them and does bed times (so do I). He takes them on days out when I'm in work or on days out with my mum/sister/friends. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad I just want you to realise there are men out there who do their fair share. Can you talk to him? Do you love him? Do you want t leave him? Is he controlling?

Praiseyou · 28/06/2020 15:11

While you might have to work and still do everything at home, your own money will give you more choices; particularly if you decide you want to leave your husband.

Irelate · 28/06/2020 15:12

Just to let you know, you are not alone. My situation has been pretty much the same (with a few minor differences). My DH doesn't lie on the sofa sleeping and watching sport on the weekends, but he does nothing with the 3 DCs unless I am there too. Has literally never taken them anywhere, no baths, no bedtimes on his own. Cannot cope with idea of me going away for a weekend - it has never happened. Cannot cope with me going out for an evening on my own - it has almost never happened (when I have done, he has sulked afterwards). It just sort of ... evolved ... this way. Did not change at all when I went back to work. He does help a bit with driving (kids' school is on his way to work so he takes them) and clearing up after supper, so not a total waste of space, but does no child care at all. I've tried to encourage it, but it just doesn't happen, and there's nothing worse than a parent being forced to spend time with their children - the children feel it.

Anney28 · 28/06/2020 15:12

Quite a lot! At the weekends sometimes he’ll take them over to see his mum (social distancing of course and he might take them to the park. He wouldn’t take them both anywhere busy alone but I don’t do that either - both have additional needs!
He’s very capable of looking after them though and sometimes has more patience than me. He’s definitely more of the fun parent whereas I’m the boring one. He’ll also take Dd to birthday parties etc. I am quite lucky.

He’ll take them and pick them up form school when he can around his hours - he likes doing the school run. He’ll come home and bathe them after dinner etc. Put them to bed, does their school work and is generally a good father. He works long hours but he never had that as a child. His dad wasn’t around much, his stepdad bullied him - he wanted different for his own kids!

DS isn’t biologically his but he treats him as his own. My ex was as you explain though and probably still the same with his new partner and children.

timeisnotaline · 28/06/2020 15:19

Perhaps step 1 is to look in the mirror every morning, say I am a person, an adult and an amazing mother. I don’t need my husband to agree to my going out, or going away. I don’t need him to agree to where I sleep, I don’t need his permission to live. Practice going out without asking - I’m off to shops, bye! (What are you getting? Oh just a few things ... practice not giving details because he does not own you)

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 18:29

I am very very tired of it.
I’ve attempted to see a couple of friends in the evening without the children during lockdown and I’m not allowed to go until dd is in bed which makes it virtually pointless going.

OP posts:
Ilikeviognier · 28/06/2020 18:35

“Not allowed to go”?

What is his reason for not allowing it?

Ilikeviognier · 28/06/2020 18:36

I’m so sorry OP but you should not be living like this! You have a right to go out; stay out overnight and do your own thing! Exactly what your husband does! Please do something about this!!

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 18:36

I’m not sure. I can decide if it’s because he doesn’t trust me or if it’s because of having the children on his own. Maybe both?

OP posts:
Ilikeviognier · 28/06/2020 18:37

What reason does he give you? I’m curious.

Ilikeviognier · 28/06/2020 18:38

Also has he been away overnight since your children were born?

startswithanL · 28/06/2020 18:40

I'm not strictly a stap as I work weekends but dh earns the most and works all week but he does quite a bit tbh and always has...sorry. I set the tone from when I was pregnant that the baby was 'ours' and he would be doing his fair share and he has tbh. I think he is a better father because he has his own routine and more confidence because he does all the things I would do...

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 28/06/2020 18:40

OP what do you think would happen if you didn't ask his permission to go out for the evening and just went? By all means do dinner for your daughter and get her in her PJs but just tell him she'll be ready for bed in an hour and I'm off out. Have a taxi waiting. Just go. He'll survive.

Wingsofadragonfly85 · 28/06/2020 18:46

Oh yes, he’s been away lots and lots. For business and socially. Although ds was a terrible sleeper and woke up many times in the night and dh told me he booked as much business travel as possible during those years so he got a better night’s sleep.

OP posts:
Flev · 28/06/2020 18:49

My husband is the SAHP and I'm in paid work. I know he often has harder days than I do, as our daughter is only 20 months and can be really full on. As soon as i get home i know I'm probably "on" with her for the next half an hour -he often starts dinner in that time but sometimes just needs a quick break. After that I probably do more of the parenting (playing, reading, bathtime, bedtime etc) - mostly because I want to see my daughter and spend time with her. Weekends are pretty much 50/50 and we try to make sure we both get an hour of so to ourselves at some point.
It seems sad to me your H doesn't want more involvement, and you're certainly not being unreasonable to expect more from him.