To ask how much your partner does with your children if you are a SAHP

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

Just that really.
If you are a stay at home parent - how much parenting does your partner do?
I’m a SAHM with two children and my dh has never done very much, he didn’t change a single nappy or do a night feed / waking when they were younger. He’s taken the older dc to the cinema twice on his own. He’s never taken them together anywhere without me. Is this the norm? They are 11 and 4 now. They’ve never been to the park or swimming or anything with him unless I’ve been there too.

My DH does a lot. When they were babies he would do some night feeds (I did more as his job involved driving long distances sometimes to France), most nights he does bedtime, more than half the time he will do their bath. I do most cooking because he’s at work at that time, but he does some if he can. He’s never once said anything negative if I’ve had a hard day with the children and haven’t got much done, he just gets stuck right in.

11 and 4? Won't be long before they can go out together without adult supervision. Your DH is a lazy arse.
I despair the way so many women and their families are treated.

SAHM is not servant or slave. Once working day is finished it's back to 50:50 parenting and adulting.
Stay home next time or go away for me the weekend

I’m not sure what annoys me more now,
Lazy fucking fathers or door mat mothers. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Did he really want the children? Did he come from a traditional family set up? A lot of men only become fathers because it’s what their OH’s really want or because they feel having a family is what’s expected of them. If you were the driving force in the decision to have DC then that would explain why he sees it as “your job” to manage the home and children whilst he earns the money.

I mean, I get it’s shitty. But it’s a pattern I see in a lot of men I know through work who think their job is to provide financially for the kids their wife wanted but think that’s their bit done.

Mine is exactly the same and I now realise how crap and lazy he is (not forgetting he thinks he's the only person in the world who has to work). I hate and resent him and can't wait until I'm in a position to LTB.

Dh wanted the children as much - or possibly more - than I did. I’d have stopped at one, particularly as the path to the second was rather difficult.
I find it hard because I’m not a single parent but I feel I carry everything emotionally and in terms of time for the children - but I recognise not financially.
Dh doesn’t even know what school year ds is in, much less tell you his teacher’s name.

DH and I have this long standing joke that he's only ever had our DDs once overnight by himself... They are 9&7. But it is literally a case I'll arrange a night away, and something happens. Previous incidents have included Military Coups closing boarders, flooding, him being sent abroad at short notice... And now Covid.

On a day to day basis, I do most things. But he plays with them, teaches them things, takes them places etc. He's teaching the eldest Chess at the moment (and the youngest to a lesser extent). He helped overnight when they were babies (breastfeeding so couldn't feed them!). He did all DD1s night wakenings after DD2 was born. We share lie ins. He takes them (pre Covid) to their sports club on a Saturday morning. I would say he's an equalish parent when he's physically at home. He also takes time off work if necessary when I'm ill.

I’ve never had a ‘lie in’ 😬😬
I’ve had one night away overnight since having my older child and that was hard fought for and I had to be back by 10am the following morning.

He's never changed a nappy and you never have a lie in. Says it all. Your children don't have much of a father do they? Do you even feel loved? Do you feel that you're a team?

That is insanity

@Wingsofadragonfly85

Dh wanted the children as much - or possibly more - than I did. I’d have stopped at one, particularly as the path to the second was rather difficult. I find it hard because I’m not a single parent but I feel I carry everything emotionally and in terms of time for the children - but I recognise not financially. Dh doesn’t even know what school year ds is in, much less tell you his teacher’s name.

I actually would be so angry if I were you. I get frustrated and angry with my husband if I think he’s not doing his fair share, but he does way more than you’ve said your partner does. Do you not feel really angry about it? I think it would massively affect my relationship....is be constantly fuming.

My dh does bathtime. We take it in turns to cook. He takes dd out somewhere just the two of them on Saturday mornings. I'm a sahm and do a little freelance work.

Your last post said it all for me. Your DH is an awful father and H. I've been a SAHM most of the time but that hasn't meant I'm a skivvy. It just means I've been there to look after DD. I obviously pick up more of the housework naturally but DH does loads.

He works long hours and is a shift worker and we still take it in turns to have lie ins on his days off. I go out / have evenings out/ weekends away without even thinking it's a problem. DH and DD do loads together and have an amazing bond. He does it because he wants to .

I do all the night feeds because DC2 is only 12 weeks send breastfed. He then gets up with 3 year old so I can have a lie on until 8 when he goes to work. Evenings and weekends we split quite equally - one lie in each at the weekend, he does 3yo bedtime while I do baby, he does a fair share of bait changes at weekends. Etc

Your husband sounds like a lazy arse, especially the lying in until midday on a Sunday while you never get one. Surely he could work out how to make the kids a bowl of cereal and stick the TV on so you don't have to get up.

I was a SAHM for a long time and we had a pretty “traditional” split. I did all the night feeds as DH had to get up for work etc. But - he always got up with the baby in the morning at the weekends so I could catch up with sleep and when we had two, would take the older one out to the park etc for a couple of hours. As they got older, we tended to spend the weekends as a family, but I felt he absolutely did his fair share of driving them around/spending time with them.

I think you’re hard done by. Yes, as a SAHP you do far more of the domestic “stuff”, but it shouldn’t be the case that the other parent completely opts out of being a parent when he’s not at work.

You've never had a night away on your own ... it's going to be tough as both of you have probably got used to this way of life now but you really need to find the strength to talk it through & introduce changes.
Can't believe that your DH expects the DC to be in bed before you can go out for the evening .
Ask him how he'd cope if you were admitted to hospital (or worse).

Disgusting. And he's role modelling to your DS what fatherhood entails. That would worry me.

Every morning before and every evening after work including bath and bedtime. Do everything together at weekends

I'm on mat leave with a 3yo and 3mth old and especially with lockdown, quite frankly going to work is a treat from the relentlessness. Being the Sahp at this point is definitely the short straw as far as we are concerned so we try to split it as much as possible when DH is not at work, either by having a child each or taking it in shifts to have both kids while the other parent does jobs or has free time.

Thankfully night feeds aren't a thing at the moment and the 3yo is generally up at 7 so I don't really feel the need for a lie in. I don't mind too much getting up with the 3yo and having some 1:1 with him and a nice coffee. DH tends to feed and dress the baby when she gets up.

Voted YABU for having such low standards.

It’s kind of crept in, although I probably should have stuck with just one dc given I already knew he wouldn’t do anything with the second.
Last summer I did a car boot so for the first time ever dh had to get them up and short breakfast and dress the younger one. They slept in until 9am 😬😬 then he brought them both down to me at the car boot and went back home.

Used to be the WOHP

I did most evening baths and bedtime
Weekend homework
Weekend play dates
Weekend bike rides , museum and park
Most of weekend cooking
Also some weekend housework and laundry

We have now split up

Oh and all

Life admin (Bills , flights , insurance )!
Parents evenings
Dealing with school
Mananging friendships and parents etc

Well he's a lazy git. I would be furious in your position, why the hell did he want kids if he wasn't prepared to be an actual parent to them.
What does he say when you talk to him about his totally lazy attitude?

50 percent. Sometimes more. He does all the cooking too. I was a stay at home mum when they were tiny but he still did night feeds and his fair share. I don’t get why couples let one half get away with not being involved at all. Why didn’t you have a conversation with him years ago? You are both parents, he’s missing out big time but people saying ‘he’s a twat!’ should also consider that you have enabled this behaviour.