To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

[Sizedoesmatter]

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

It's not ok in my opinion. I don't think I could hang out with people who were slapping their kids.

@snowybean - DC teaches reception. In her experience the kids smacked on the bum tend to be the ones trying to touch / be fascinated by other kids bums.

@grumpyhoonmain An interesting observation. I trying to think if I was fascinated by other people's bums as a kid. I found them silly, but didn't take that much of an interest 🤔

And I'm notplanning to hurt her

It's exactly what you're doing. You've even thought out how you'll bend her over and how long she'll cry for. And she's still a babe in arms. What is wrong with you?

I am in my 60's and grew up when smacking or spanking were considered quite reasonable by many (although not all).
My views have changed over the years of my life.

I was spanked when I was young. I always felt I deserved it; sometimes I had irritated my mother so much she snapped, at other times I had done something more serious and my father said I should be spanked. For instance, I always wanted a pet cat so I captured next door's cat under an old metal tank which my father found. My father hated cruelty to animals and thought it a spanking offence to teach me a lesson. As a child it made me realise how awful I had been....I just hadn't thought about the poor cat and never, ever did such a thing again. But only as an adult did I understand the irony of being spanked for cruelty to another creature.

When I had my own children, they did get smacked. Not often but as part of discipline. I was influenced by my own upbringing but became more uncomfortable with the idea. They were only smacked when very young, not as they got older.

Looking back, I do not agree with the way I brought up my own children. I wish I could go back and change it. As a young parent I was always worried that if the children "got away" with being naughty they would grow up badly behaved and irresponsible adults. I think this was erroneous on my part, my children now say they were unscathed but I am not so sure they had happy childhoods. I would parent very differently now.

I have also learned a great deal about myself during my many years. It has made me more understanding and with a better perspective. I have lived in countries where there is absolutely no smacking allowed, it is a criminal offence. The children grow up better balanced, and with a greater sense of self responsibility. I was also struck by the fact that their whole society is 'gentler', my own British culture seems a very violent one in comparison. Even without smacking there is anger and 'violence' in the way children are shouted at, disciplined and so on.

These days I believe it is wrong to smack a child....or anyone. If I wouldn't deal with an adult in that manner, I certainly shouldn't be dealing with a child that way either.

"it's a last resort for when a time-out doesn't work"

There are always alternatives. How do you think people who work with or have children with additional needswith behaviour that challenges cope. Smacking also doesn't work. It teaches children that hitting is acceptable behaviour.

@Sizedoesmatter my mum was a single parent. I suspect nobody realised ( or they turned a blind eye to) how often she was hitting me. She almost broke my arm on one occasion when I was 5, requiring hospital treatment. I think I just got to the point that I knew that nobody would stop it from happening so I had to defend myself. I never punched her but when she slapped my face, I’d slap her back or if she’d got hold of my hair I’d hit her until she let go. I remember, even from being little begging her not to hit for some stupid little thing.

Now I have my own kids I couldn’t imagine ever laying a hand on them. As a parent it’s my job to find a way to teach them right and wrong without smacking them.

I see my mum as little as possible now. She visits a few times a year. I don’t visit her as she has a completely untrained, unpredictable dog that I don’t trust around my kids. I try and ensure that my childhood doesn’t ever become a topic of conversation as she genuinely believes she did nothing wrong, and obviously I feel very differently to that so there’s nothing to be gained by discussing it further. She’s never had unsupervised access to my kids either as I just don’t trust her.

if a kid is consistently doing something wrong and doesn't respond to anything else, then as a last resort a small smack on the bum isn't the worst thing in the world

No need to smack. Just ignore bad behaviour and praise the good behaviour.

I learned it in a puppy training class and dc seemed to have turned out ok.😀

Everyone has a different parenting style.

This is true. Some people like to deliberately harm their kids, some don't.

The thing you have to realise snowybean is that most people don't hit their kids nowadays. They think it is fucked up, as you can see from this thread.

Your kids will later in life be able to see that what you are doing is not normal. How will you explain to your kids that you had to hit them when just about every other sane parent didn't?

This isn't a rhetorical question - I'm interested in your answer.

Oliversmumsarmy
Just ignore bad behaviour

Really? Even if the child is beating up his/her sibling, kicking the family cat or screaming down the roof? Then you just ignore the kid? It teaches them that whatever they do they can pretty much get away with it.

The more you praise good behaviour, the less punishment you need for bad. Sometimes just not praising bad behaviour is all it takes.

Do you smackers approve of other parents hitting your children when they're on playdates? If they're at the end of their tethers and so on?

I have a hunch that other people who smack don't say it because of what people would say on a platform like Mumsnet. I could be wrong, though.

How will you explain to your kids that you had to hit them when just about every other sane parent didn't?

Good question, I'm glad you asked that than just throwing verbal abuse my way. I will explain to them that it is perhaps somewhat outdated but is my way of last-resort discipline (and yes, I know there are other ways).

It doesn't mean I don't love my kids any less. I could say that my mum did the same to me and it worked, but I wasn't terrified of her, and we have always had a good relationship. If I think it's affecting any of my kids negatively, then I'll not do it again. There's no point. Who knows, maybe they'll get to that age and I'll change my mind. I'm not afraid of apologising if it doesn't work.

but is my way of last-resort discipline (and yes, I know there are other ways).

So why don't you use those?

I think you were harmed by your upbringing if you're looking at your baby daughter and thinking about bending her over and how long she'll cry.

And nobody has verbally abused you, for goodness sake. You'll slap your daughter but you think we've been mean on here?

Smacking here is illegal now although I was smacked and my mum also used wooden spoon and metal spoon I was scared of her/it and yeah maybe I did what I was told but it’s not very nice to fear being hit.

So young mum with my eldest son I smacked because that’s what I knew. But quite honestly I did it once maybe twice and I felt like shit. 3 kids later no smacking in this house, still feel total shame about my Eldest but he can’t remember (19 soon) there are other better ways to parent it’s not always easy but using physical violence with your children isn’t parenting

I don’t think it’s acceptable no, if I want to teach them that hitting others is unacceptable how will me hitting them help that? What a mixed message. I believe I have other tools to give consequences. Smacking won’t be one of them.

The more you praise good behaviour, the less punishment you need for bad. Sometimes just not praising bad behaviour is all it takes.

Bingo, most dog trainers and owners figured that out years ago, pity so many parents don't yet get it. As to the PP who will cuddle and fuss over their child immediately after giving them into trouble, good luck with that strategy.

I would be horrified. I grew up seeing this happen as normal. Luckily my parents never hit us. But this was legal back then even in schools. I couldnt do that to my DC.

@bloodywhitecat

No I would not smack a child. I have raised two decent human beings who got to adulthood without being smacked and I have worked with children who have had very challenging behaviour without needing to hit any of them. I was hit as a child and it left a lasting emotional mark.

Were these challenging kids your own? If so, can you explain what you mean by “challenging behaviour”, including how you got through the difficult years? Not to derail the thread. I’ve never hit my 3yo and can’t imagine ever doing so, but his behaviour is challenging to say the least and I’m starting to fray.

A lot of people are quick to say they just talk to their kids and the problems magically disappear. But some of us have kids with very, very challenging personalities which make that near impossible. Love to hear some tips from those whose kids are/were actually challenging!

Kalifa my dc never ever kicked the cat or attacked their sibling.

They are noisy even now but it didn’t bother me.

I just found the more laid back i was the more laid back dc were.

You shouldn't always ignore bad behaviour because it can be unsafe and the undesirable behaviour can be the child attempting to communicate something so you need to teach alternatives rather than just ignoring.

@Underhisi

You shouldn't always ignore bad behaviour because it can be unsafe and the undesirable behaviour can be the child attempting to communicate something so you need to teach alternatives rather than just ignoring.

It depends on what's going on. Some behaviour, of course you can't ignore. I remember once being at a friend's house and mashing up my dessert, making a mess and trying to be funny. My friend's mother said to my friend, who was behaving, "What lovely manners you have, Sarah, how nicely you're eating", and that was all it took.

Obviously if I'd lamped someone with my bowl, she would have needed to do something more.

My son has challenging behaviour due to his severe disability. Over the years I have learned to consider why he is behaving in particular ways and what he is seeking (either deliberately or instinctively) from it and go from there.I treat behaviour as communication.

Everyone will say no but it is a cultural thing. If smacking was a major deal, we would expect a measurable increase in children’s success and happiness since it has fallen out of favour. We haven’t.

Those who beat their children will continue to do so as they don’t care (until their children are hopefully removed from them).

On the other hand those who use naughty step/send to room/removal of toys as punishment (which they will refer to as ‘consequence’ as a form of Orwellian newspeak) instead of the snack they would have received from their parents will, I would hazard, not do any better (or worse) than their parents at bringing up happy healthy children.

Do you slap adults for discipline? If you wouldn't slap an adult to discipline them why would you slap a child who is many times smaller than one. That's my answer.

Being a parent to a child with a child with challenging behaviour is though different to working with children with those behaviours. When it is your own child it is all consuming.