To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

[Sizedoesmatter]

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

It’s a no from me.

Have never, would never. It shows a complete lack of control. My sil does, thankfully not in front of me, she once threatened to hit her son in front of my 5yo who was horrified and said "mummy auntie x would really hit cousin would she?" Sil replied "yes when he is naughty he gets a smack", dd replied "well that makes you a mean mummy". Sil wasn't happy but I didnt try to correct dd or say anything, she was right

No, it's never crossed my mind to do it. I don't want my child to be frightened of me. She's played up loads over lockdown, but she's confused and upset about it, me hitting her would not solve that.

It's never ok.

I got slapped and worse when I was growing up and it always felt that it came from a place of anger. I never once hit my own child. My FIL took it upon himself to slap my child when in his care. I told him exactly what I thought of him and haven't spoken to him in over 15 years as he couldn't see why it was wrong for a 60 year old to slap a 6 year old. To me, people/parents slap their child/children because they can't control their own anger. There are other ways of 'discipling' i.e. removing toys, games etc. Slapping doesn't solve anything.

@user12699422578

No. Assaulting children is not ok.

If you assaulted your partner, or a work colleague, or your dentist, or a shop worker because you just reached the end of your tether you would be arrested. Quite rightly.

I find it abhorrent that anyone makes excuses for assaulting children or tries to minimise it with euphemisms for what is simply abuse or tries to make the abusers feel better about themselves for their despicable actions.

I agree. I mean how often do you reach the end of your tether. Children push boundaries and push their parents to their limits often. If you have a few of them and you hit them everytime you can no longer take the frustration, then you're hitting them pretty fucking often, no? Maybe it depends on the child.

I do understand that often its a light smack and doesn't actually hurt the child, but the action of actually hitting them is teaching them to be violent. How can we expect our children not to hit other children or when they get older, other adults, if they were thought from a young age that hitting is how we cope with frustration.

No...unless you are stopping a child injuring themselves seriously. Then perhaps a hand smack.

Cannot envisage a scenario where slapping a child in order to stop it injuring itself, seriously or non seriously, would ever be necessary or appropriate.

No, hitting children for any reason is never acceptable.

I am wholeheartedly against it.
I was smacked as a child and saw that a lot of parents in the circle of people my family knew seemed to really lose sense of where the line is between discipline and physical abuse. Between my parents and some of their friends it became somewhat normal to smack their children's heads into walls, grabbing by the throat, throwing objects at and throwing their kids across the room ripping their clothes in the process.

All I ever remember when being smacked was shame and fear and I think it has a lot to do with why I've grown up to be a bag of nerves as an adult.

I didnt want my child growing up uncertain of how much my reaction may hurt her to anything she does. Of course there are punishments in our house. She loses access to the playstation, her iphone or her apple watch or pocket money, or doesnt get something she wants and then she has to sit through a conversation that she finds terribly boring where I explain why what shes done is so bad/unsafe and why it shouldn't happen again, and better ways we can approach a situation.

I've been told by many teachers that shes a really nice child to be around, shes helpful, caring, honest and polite, a few have commented that they can tell a lot of care goes into her upbringing which makes me think I've done the right thing.

Shes never hit another child either, which I think shows that she has always known its unacceptable.

I smacked my eldest when I was quite unwell with post natal depression.

I now do not smack. If I feel the urge to smack I know that I need a time out, not her and that I might be starting to feel unwell again. It's not right to hit kids, bad behaviour is their way of processing big feelings and dangerous behaviour needs to be explained not stopped with a smack.

I smack once when I reach the boiling point and my DD is refusing to listen. I think it is an effective form of discipline as it kind of shocks her into listening and understanding whose in charge. It is by no means a sustained beating, one quick smack and that's it. I also have a few friends that do the same. I think there's lots of parents that do it but do not talk about it and I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

well if you are at the end of your tether with an adult, you can change jobs, walk away, flip them the bird, decide never to have anything to do with them again, leave the relationship, or just decide theyre a fucking arsehole.
You cant really do that with your kids. Youre directly responsible for their behaviour. It is your circus and they are your monkeys

I still think smacking is not ok, but its ridiculous to liken the parenting relationship to adult relationships.

In my opinion slapping isn't discipline. It's violence.

I grew up in foster care and experienced violence alongside other abuse. Not once did I ever question it - it was what I believed I deserved. It's only as an adult that I was able reconcile the fact that adults who need to abuse and slap children have problems they aren't able to slap their way out of. And the whole "never did me any harm" is bollocks - yes it did, if you think as an adult that the way to ensure your child behaves is to use the same violence upon them that was inflicted upon you, you didn't turn out alright at all.

We have two DC and I don't - and wouldn't - slap them. They are well-behaved, kind and decent children. They have manners, they have boundaries and they have every chance of growing up to be spectacular human beings without ever needing to be hit or slapped into submission.

Never done it, never would do it and totally judge people who do it regularly as a punishment. It’s not acceptable to hit another adult, how can you possibly justify hitting a child.

I can kind of understand people who do it once and are then contrite but anything more seems pre-meditated.

I've managed to raise three children to adulthood without ever smacking any of them. I was never smacked either, I'm glad to say as a child of the 60s/70s. It's never OK.

It’s never OK to slap anyone. It’s even worse when it’s someone vulnerable like a child.

If your husband ‘reached boiling point’ and you were ‘refusing to listen’ and he slapped you, you’d be advised to LTB but a child doesn’t have that option

I still think smacking is not ok, but its ridiculous to liken the parenting relationship to adult relationships.

Adults are supposed to be the ones in control, setting the example, guiding their DC. When my 14 year old behaves like a bellend and I get cross with him, I am the finished article, I am the one in control of my emotions, my behaviour, he's a 14 year old with hormones and lizard-reflexes and all that nonsense going on. To compare slapping a child to slapping an adult is ridiculous because a child is the most vulnerable person imaginable and still posters on here go "oh but it makes them listen to me". I bet it fucking does. I bet they listen to you bang on about how if they'd not done x, y and z you wouldn't have needed to slap them and they turn that shit inwards so it eats away at their self esteem nicely.

Fucking awful. If you wouldn't slap an adult for behaving badly there's no legitimate excuse for slapping a child. Ever.

My mum was very quick with her hands and whatever else she could get her hands on to hit me with.

My son is 16 now and I have smacked his hand 4 times when he was small. Twice as a discipline, twice because he was in danger and I was scared. I'm not proud of it.

I once found myself on the verge of hitting him because I was so angry with him. I made sure he was safe in his room and then locked myself in the bathroom and cried. I have never hit him from that day to this. I realised that my mum had hit me all those times not because of anything I had done wrong but because she was angry. I did not want to become that woman.

I changed the way I disciplined my son from that moment forward. How could I ask him not to hit people and then hit him myself. I and my husband modeled the behavior we wanted him to see and used time outs as discipline.

My son has turned out a respectful, funny, kind young man. More importantly he is not afraid to get out of bed in a morning for fear of me. Hopefully when he has children he will never feel the need to smack his children. Ever.

I'm against it and haven't done it. However I don't think the adult comparison worked. If a work colleague continuously harassed me for something after I had said no, then threw something at me and went to hit me they would get a snack right in the face before they hit me first! When my 4 year old does it he moves straight to red on the behaviour chart and has 10 minutes in reflection time and then a talk about controlling anger...

It's a hard no from me too.

I was smacked as a child. It did me harm, both physically and emotionally.

No never.

My mum smacked us as kids, as did my stepfather. It really lessened my respect for them both, and broke some deep trust- at the time ofc I couldn’t articulate it that way, but with hindsight it’s easy to see.

I’ll be honest, I’m a LP and DS has pushed me right to the limit, but I’ve always walked away. Occasionally needed to close the door and chuck a cushion across my bedroom, scream silently into a pillow, or whatever- when you have “nowhere to go” and no other adult to hand over to, it can be hard to know what to do with that intensity of emotion- and it’s okay - healthy- to express it. But never by hitting your child. Ever.

As a considered method of discipline it’s of course fruitless at best, traumatising and injurious at worst.

No i don't like it. It's wrong and done to relieve your own temper and frustration. And yes to my guilt I've done it twice and nearly a third. My then toddler pushing my buttons badly and i was already in a bad place mentally. I got cbt for the cause of my stress and depression which helped immensely.

I feel awful thinking of it. I'd never consider using it for discipline. All those i know who do smack in anger so just releasing their own irritation too.

@Userzzz
It doesn't 'show your daughter who is in charge', it shows her that you've lost control and authority and are desperately trying to regain it, which is exactly the opposite.
If your DD reaches boiling point with another child at school and 'smacks' them, will you tell her that it's okay? What if the two of you argue and she decides you aren't listening to her so she socks you in the mouth - is that fine too? How do you get her to understand that certain types of violence are acceptable because mummy is the one perpetrating but otherwise it isn't okay?

In answer to your question, OP, no it isn't acceptable. It sends shudders down my spine when people justify it using phrases like 'firm, loving discipline' or 'this hurts me more than it hurts you' - no, it bloody well doesn't.
It doesn't teach children anything. It doesn't show them how healthy relationships work, it doesn't teach them to deal with strong emotions, it doesn't explain to them why their behaviour is wrong. It frightens them into submission.
It also makes them far more likely to end up in an abusive relationship when they grow up, either as the victim or the perpetrator, because they associate violence with love. They know that the person or people who loved them most in the world (supposedly) assaulted them regularly as a means of caring for them. So they internalise that sort of treatment and then either accept it from future partners or lash out themselves.

Hard no from me. I also dont agree with the use of smack, lets call it what it is which is hitting.

I can never decide which is worse, hitting because you've lost it or hitting as a cold deliberate act.

If in a fit of anger where you want to inflict pain/fear into the child because you have completely lost control of yourself. Or if as people often say "i hadnt lost control, i knew it was only light and i decided to because of xyz", where people in the cold light of day, decide that hitting their child is acceptable and that fear is the best way.

We teach kids its not okay to hit, so why can we hit them? Is it because we are more powerful than them? As adults we should have the skills to regulate our emotions much better than a five year old.

I am slightly more sympathetic in some of the extreme situations eg. I watched a little girl who did something very dangerous, her mum screemed and lightly hit her whilst shouting. The mum was clearly in a state on panic, hugged the girl and apologised explaining how frightened she had been.

Also, people saying 'well, you wouldn't discipline another adult anyway' are missing the point. If you told another adult to go to their room, they'd look at you like you were bonkers, obviously, but if you hit them they would call the police. You are deciding that your children have fewer legal rights to protection and safety than those older than them, which is so depressing
I can't imagine intentionally harming any child, let alone one I loved more than anything else in the world. The main purpose of a parent is to keep kids safe - how, exactly, are they safe if they're being hit?

Hard no from me.

The only time I’d find physical violence acceptable is when I knocked several barrels of shit out of someone I saw hitting a child.

It’s never ok. Ever.