To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

[Sizedoesmatter]

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

I don't have children but I was hit as a child. It was premeditated, punishment for minor things that I didn't really understand. It was humiliating and painful.

For many years I thought it did me no harm but now, in my 50s, I realise it's one of the reasons I'm so scared of upsetting people and so desperate to please. I'm a bag of nerves half the time but hide it well and as I work through it I'm so angry at my father who was the disciplinarian. My mother had no idea how bad it was, and is massively apologetic that she allowed it to happen.

In a lot of ways it has ruined me, destroyed my ability to have good relationships because I'm so nervous of people. I'm very sad about it. Please don't hit your children. It's not something a loving parent should do.

Kalifa. the bit I was referring to was this:"Except what you leave out of the equation is that the kid has probably annoyed the shit out of her all day when she finally snapped in Tesco." That is not someone applying discipline but (as you yourself admit) losing control, snapping.

I was smacked every now and then, didn’t affect me but I still don’t think it’s a valid discipline tool

I was smacked as a kid, don't actually remember any occasions to be precise though. One punishment i do remember is being sent to bed and missing brownies that week, i remember almost every detail. I have a ds4, dp does smack occasionally but i don't. On the days he's pushed me too far i will go upstairs and just have a cry. It gives us both the time out really

@Kalifa

I am no fan of violence but some kids only learn and understand from a slap. Nothing else will stop them. Of course nobody here would slap their own kids (or won’t admit to it) but when you have a bunch of kids to look after and one starts to terrorise the others or smash the house or scream down the roof because he is a devious little c... are you going to go down to his level and start begging him and use the word please? You can’t reason with him. You give him three warnings and it doesn’t work, you’ll slap him and that’s the only thing that will stop the little shit. Who wants to explain to and beg an unreasonable little kid for years? If you do that, by the time they are big enough you will be a mental vegetable who lives on prozac.

If your child behaves like this it’s because you’re violent. You’re not violent because of their behaviour.

Always interesting when smackers don't see the point in explaining things to kids and reasoning with them. Rather like when they also think hitting kids is fine but salty comments about it on the internet are abusive.

I think the umbrage comes because deep down they know it’s wrong

@clockworkprincess how do you feel about your dp smacking your dc?
I smacked(tapped) my son's leg twice in his life and feel like the worst parent ever, my dd got one tap also. My dh has never smacked our dc and i told him when i did it and he was so disappointed in me.
Neither of my two( adults now) have any memory of being smacked and my dd says a raised voice scared her most.
I think smacking is pointless, harmful and unecessary but shouting is not much better.

Pp's who say they wouldn't slap another adult at work presumably wouldn't yell at another adult either in the workplace.

Shouting and smacking are not equivalent, it depends on what you are shouting..’I wish you were never born you little fucker’ as opposed to ‘BE QUIET’

I was smacked (hard) as a kid and it brings back some horrible feelings for me now as an adult. I think of myself as a young girl and how I felt when I was being hit and wonder how any parent could do that to their children? I have a great relationship with my parents now as an adult but this is something that makes me sad/angry when I think about it. My mum seems embarrassed when I ask her about it and tells me "things were different then" (the 80's).

I'm a mum to a toddler and baby now and both me and DH have agreed we will never smack them. My daughter is in a smacking phase and sometimes pushes all my buttons so it's very difficult to control my temper, but I do. How can you teach a child not to hit by hitting them?

@Coffeecak3 to be fair it doesn't affect ds, he adores his dad, Dp doesnt have a temper so its not down to losing control and ds will remember the telling off but forgets the smack if you see what i mean? I didn't start being a parent planning not to smack, it just evolved, I'm more the telling off while on my knee. i think it might be because i am really hot tempered I've had to rein it in so i don't get to the end of my tether. If i thought it was doing genuine harm to ds i would be massively against it but he's a very well adjusted child, boisterous and stubborn but mostly well behaved.

'How can you teach a child not to hit by hitting them?'

Whatever you think about smacking, this argument just does not hold water.

How do you teach a child about not being unkind to other children by putting them on a 'naughty' step?

Most parents/schools have a policy of both explaining while things are wrong and adding a punishment (you can call it a consequence if you like, but it is still a punishment) in order to deter someone doing it again. The punishment is not the explanation, it is a deterrent.

It is also hilarious how many have offered violence (over the internet) whilst preaching that violence is never the solution. One poster asked if she could 'come round' to someone who smacked her children and give her a smack!

How do you teach a child not to steal by taking their toys away?

Kalifa you refer to your child as a devious little C.. Which presumably you meant 'cunt', insist that they need and deserve to be smacked as its the only thing that works.. And then wonder why said child can be violent and so badly behaved 🤦‍♀️ are you really that blind?

Another human being annoying you doesn't give you a right to hit them. My toddler annoys the living shit out of me most days, but I'm his mother and if I won't protect him and love him despite his 'bad' behaviour, then who the fuck will? All you're doing is teaching your child to be a bully and that he deserves to be hit by people who are bigger than him. I feel so sorry for that child after the way you spoke about him on here. I'm sorry but you're the problem, not your child. Do your job properly or don't have kids. You obviously can't handle it.

Teaching your kid 'Do as I say or I'll hit you' isn't discipline, it's teaching them to be a bully.

Evidence does point to hitting children perpetuating them hitting others because they are not learning how to manage themselves in a calm manner. They are learning that when you don't like what someone has done you hit them.

Natural consequences are the better way of dealing with things.

I’m surprised pp see it as ok. One thing being hit can do in childhood is normalise it for the person who then thinks it’s ok,

Not always, but when people defend it as their parents did it, then they’ve passed this idea that’s it’s ok to hit on.

How do you teach a child about not being unkind to other children by putting them on a 'naughty' step?

It's time out to calm down and think about what they've done. To learn that if you can't interact nicely, you don't get to interact. There is no parental loss of control. It's miles away from violence.

It is also hilarious how many have offered violence (over the internet) whilst preaching that violence is never the solution. One poster asked if she could 'come round' to someone who smacked her children and give her a smack!

That was me. Did you really miss the point that widely? Did you truly think I was suggesting I would hit that poster? Did you honestly not realise it was sarcastic? That I was making the point that you have just reinforced: that hitting is not acceptable?

Are you the same wally from the other week who saw a post I made about Factor 500000 sunscreen and perpetually hot coffee and truly thought that I was seriously threatening people with eternal hellfire?

Of course it isn’t okay! If you need to resort to violence to get through to a child you’ve already failed.

You’d call the police if any other adult hit your child. That means you know that hitting children is very wrong. So don’t do it yourself!

Sheba,

''I am no fan of violence but some kids only learn and understand from a slap. Nothing else will stop them'

Then you are a fan of violence. And not a good parent. I think only a slap will stop you, it's the only thing you understand. Can I come over?'

Ahh, the Donald Trump defence after he suggested injecting people with bleach might be the cure for Corona; it was 'obviously' meant sarcastically. It does not come across as sarcastic to me, it comes across as threatening and, like a good keyboard warrior, you typed an empty threat with a hot head.

'It's time out to calm down and think about what they've done. To learn that if you can't interact nicely, you don't get to interact. There is no parental loss of control. It's miles away from violence'

That really is a matter of opinion. The whole name for it is humiliating and some children absolutely detest it (including mine).

The problem with all these threads is that they believe any smack is the worst punishment possible (i.e that a child would not prefer a smack to another punishment, ever). If you speak to children (and I think there may be a difference between boys and girls here) many would rather have a smack than a day's IPad ban (for instance).And, many who were smacked believe that it did them no harm, if the punishment was applied consistently and not cruelly (i.e not a beating).

Of course, if you deny others' views of their experience and believe that they can only have a certain view because they are somehow not able to think clearly or suffer from a psychological condition, then you can always think comfortably in terms of black and white, and that all your experiences and views are the 'correct' ones.

I am not in favour of smacking and it has probably had its day. However, amongst the people that I know, there is little correlation between the outcomes of the children (mostly now young adults) either emotionally or in any other way between the ones who were smacked and those who were punished using other means. Luckily (as far as I know) no one that I know beat their children.

(And I have never commented on sunscreen).

I am no fan of violence but some kids only learn and understand from a slap. Nothing else will stop them'

Then you are a fan of violence. And not a good parent. I think only a slap will stop you, it's the only thing you understand. Can I come over?'

You honestly did not realise that this was sarcastic, @larrygrylls? And you read Donald Trump, with his history of intelligent commentary (THAT WAS SARCASM AWOOGA AWOOGA KLAXON) quoting something about bleach killing the virus and going on to ask if we could somehow use this in injections as being on the same level? That's your comparison point?

I just can't, as the kids would say these days. You are going to have to trust me that 99.99% of people of average, and slightly below average, intelligence would have clearly seen that my comment was entirely ironic and intended to make the point that hitting isn't ok. Even if they didn't agree, they would have understood what I was saying. If you didn't, well...that was the point. I have explained it for you. You're welcome.

You're really not the Factor 500000 poster? You should look them up. I think the two of you would get on very well.

The whole name for [naughty step] is humiliating and some children absolutely detest it (including mine).

They aren't supposed to like it, ffs. What, you think it's meant to be a reward? (AWOOGA AWOOGA SARCASM SARCASM.) But it is a calm reaction that removes them from the situation to another calm one, gives you a chance to explain what went wrong on their level, and allows them to rejoin when they have demonstrated that they understand what they did and why it was wrong. It
Personally I just call it "time out" as I prefer not to use the term "naughty" if I can avoid it. It's a very natural consequence; you behave badly, you sit outside the action until you can learn to behave better. What more do you need?

The problem with all these threads is that they believe any smack is the worst punishment possible (i.e that a child would not prefer a smack to another punishment, ever). If you speak to children (and I think there may be a difference between boys and girls here) many would rather have a smack than a day's IPad ban (for instance).And, many who were smacked believe that it did them no harm, if the punishment was applied consistently and not cruelly (i.e not a beating).

The fact that you have to explicitly state that you don't mean a hearing because you know so many smackers can't tell the difference and that their nasty philosophy justifies one as much as the other... Nobody has suggested that a smack is worse than, say, a full beating with an implement. But we are saying that it is violent, that it is counterproductive, that it is hypocritical, that many people justify it by saying they "just snapped" which is profoundly NOT how parental discipline is supposed to work, that it is extremely open to being interpreted as more intense physical punishment, that there are sadists who like it (and have commented here), that it is lazy and that it is harmful and stupid. Because it is.

If kids do prefer a smack to losing the iPad for a day then clearly the latter is the better deterrent. With the added benefit that they might use the time instead to read a book or do a craft, which is probably better. And, of course, that you didn't teach them violence is ok, but to learn self control. Because apparently that doesn't count with some people.

For someone who's not in favour of smacking, you aren't half invested in defending it.

It is illegal in Ireland where I am to smack a child and rightly so. Physical abuse is because the parent is lacking in something not because the child deserves it. If you feel yourself losing the plot enough to hurt a child then you need to get some help as far as I am concerned.

The problem with all these threads is that they believe any smack is the worst punishment possible (i.e that a child would not prefer a smack to another punishment, ever). If you speak to children (and I think there may be a difference between boys and girls here) many would rather have a smack than a day's IPad ban (for instance).

Personally, I didn't think it was my children's job to decide what punishments were appropriate. They preferred all sorts of things that I didn't think were in their best interests.

Often their main objective was to be able to forget about their misdemeanour as quickly as possible- and quite likely to be able to do it again. That was not necessarily my objective.

These are the countries that had banned smacking by 2018. It's embarrassing that England hasn't. Hopefully in future. I'd like it to be banned while my parents are alive ideally as they've usually got a Daily Mail style opinion about most stuff in the news so I'd be interested to see what they thought about their parenting style being made illegal!

eden (1979)
Finland (1983)
Norway (1987)
Austria (1989)
Cyprus (1994)
Denmark (1997)
Latvia (1998)
Croatia (1999)
Bulgaria (2000)
Israel (2000)
Germany (2000)
Turkmenistan (2002)
Iceland (2003)
Ukraine (2004)
Romania (2004)
Hungary (2005)
Greece (2006)
Netherlands (2007)
New Zealand (2007)
Portugal (2007)
Uruguay (2007)
Venezuela (2007)
Spain (2007)
Togo (2007)
Costa Rica (2008)
Moldova (2008)
Luxembourg (2008)
Liechtenstein (2008)
Poland (2010)
Tunisia (2010)
Kenya (2010)
Congo (2010)
Albania (2010)
South Sudan (2011)
Macedonia (2013)
Honduras (2013)
Malta (2014)
Brazil (2014)
Bolivia (2014)
Cape Verde (2014)
Argentina (2014
San Marino (2014)
Estonia (2014)
Nicaragua (2014)
Andorra (2015)
Benin (2015)
Ireland (2015)
Peru (2015)
Mongolia (2016)
Paraguay (2016)
Slovenia (2016)
Lithuania (2017)
Montenegro (2017)

First one should say Sweden

No, never okay. Yet I did smack my dd1 and Dd2 until one day when they were 4 and 3, I stopped making excuses for hitting my children and accepted it was a loss of self control, did not change their behaviour and I felt terrible for hours afterwards. I swore to myself I would never smack them again and now they are 15 and 14, with an 11, 10 and 1 year old sibling and I have never broken that vow.

I firmly believe that it is absolutely not necessary and it’s either premeditated violence or if not planned, a loss of self control.