Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

358 replies

Sizedoesmatter · 27/06/2020 12:36

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

OP posts:
Lockdownfatigue · 27/06/2020 17:35

Illegal in Wales and I think in Scotland.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/06/2020 17:39

children today are in general a lot worse behaved and less respectful than they were when we were teenagers

Bollocks.

pleasecaffeinateme · 27/06/2020 17:45

I haven't read the full thread but no I completely disagree with smacking. It will only lead your child to be scared of you. Despite our very strong relationship now, I was scared of my mum because she smacked us. It didn't happen to me much because I was quite well behaved but my brother was not and I will never forget her pinning him down and smacking him several times.

I have a neighbour that I occasionally hear threatening to smack her 3 year old and it gives me chills. She sounds permanently angry at her child and dogs and I do worry about them.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:45

^@thedancingbear and as I went on to explain in my post where I detailed the three occasions they were all reactionary to the situation and it was discussed with my DC afterwards. Recognising a behaviour has not been appropriate, talking about it, and then changing it.

Enjoy your high horse though.^

I just don't want to see kids getting hit. You seem to be fairly relaxed about it ('inappropriate behaviour' but not 'abuse'). We'll just have to agree to differ.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:46

Sorry, @KKSlider, is everyone who thinks hitting children is never acceptable on a high horse? What a total crock of shit.

Sparklesocks · 27/06/2020 17:47

Every generation ends up thinking kids aren’t as well behaved as they used to be. We all end up becoming the same dinosaurs we rolled our eyes at in our youth 👵🏻

flamingochill · 27/06/2020 17:47

But children today are in general a lot worse behaved and less respectful than they were when we were teenagers

I don't think so. I think there's more drugs and drastically less police though which is a major problem which affects teens

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 17:49

And again, as stated in my post, I don't use smacking as discipline. The three instances where I have smacked was a reaction to three specific situations unique to me/my DC. I recognised that I had not responded appropriately in those situations and it was dealt with at that time. I'm not relaxed about it but I'll be fucked if I'm going to sit here and take judgement from it.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:52

In the second incident you described, you lashed out at your toddler (your words) because they'd hit you first:

Other DS smacked me on the face with a metal Tonka truck during a meltdown (ASD) and cut my forehead, in the split second after it happened I slapped his hand without thinking. I lashed out because I was shocked and hurt and instantly regretted it because he was in a state where he couldn't actually help it.

This is worse than 'not appropriate'.

SimonJT · 27/06/2020 17:55

I would never assault my son, I also wouldn’t leave him in the care of someone who thought assaulting children was in anyway acceptable.

Yes, he can be irritating, annoying and a bugger, but it isn’t an excuse to assault him.

I wonder how many people who ‘snap’ and assault their child/ren would support someone who ‘snapped’ and assaulted their partner.

LondonJax · 27/06/2020 17:56

I've never hit DS and was never hit as a child in the 1960s. But DS most certainly knows I am in charge. As I did with my parents. If my mum said 'jump' it would be a case of how high! Not that I always did what she said but 9 times out of 10 I did, often begrudgingly.

I suppose I use the same techniques with DS. If I he misbehaved when we were playing with toys and wouldn't stop it, the toys would be put away after a warning that that was what would happen.

If he walked away from leaving a mess, he got called back to clear it up and if he didn't then he'd lose the chance to see his favourite programme that day or we wouldn't go to the park - again with a warning that that was the punishment for not doing as he was told. So his choice - clear up or no park/favourite TV programme.

He's now a teenager - rooms are a mess by default but I only have to give him a look to get 'OK, I'm going!'

If he was arguing, I'd try to listen but if it was a raised voice for the sake of it I'd tell him I was going into the kitchen/bedroom or whatever and to come and find me when he could lower his voice. I refuse to be shouted at (had an exH who did that and I took it for too long. DH doesn't do it and I won't accept it off of DS). Just by walking away, whilst ensuring he was safe and only at home, he learned you get very little done by shouting someone down.

I can't think of a time my parents lashed out but my goodness I had the deepest respect for them and would rarely cross them.

ElaineMarieBenes · 27/06/2020 17:57

@KKSlider - but Socrates did say they now lacked respect and are all tyrants!

Every generation complains about ‘the youth of today’ - one of my favourites is the dung throwing gangs in London (see ‘Securing Respect’ - Millie)

And no it is never ok to slap (or assault) anyone let alone a child

SugarNyx · 27/06/2020 18:05

Don’t agree with it, think if you do it you’re a shit parent and I couldn’t be friends with anyone who thought it was ok either. My mum did it daily and I hate her for it, haven’t spoken to her in 10 years.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 18:06

In the second incident you described, you lashed out at your toddler (your words) because they'd hit you first

He wasn't a toddler, he was 8, he was having a meltdown which involved him screaming in my face whilst slapping me, slapping himself, biting, kicking. He had just smacked me in the forehead with a metal truck hard enough for me to require stitches, and in the split-second after it happened I slapped his hand. It was reactionary response to sudden shock and pain. I told the doctor at the walk in what had happened and that I was a terrible person, he told me I wasn't and that it was a knee (or in that case hand) jerk response.

nestisflown · 27/06/2020 18:08

@thedancingbear If I had been hit without warning in the face by anyone welding a metal object, my natural instinct would be to hit/push back. You seem determined to see things as black and white. I think smacking as a form of discipline is wrong, but as a defensive response to the violent or dangerous extremities of some children’s behaviour - hitting/ pushing danger away can be an uncontrollable and human response.

I read somewhere an account of a mother who adopted a 3 year old who grew up in an abusive home. Recollecting the time the 3 year old bit her in the breast clamping down hard and her instinct was to throw him away. At that moment in time she wasn’t punishing or disciplining a child but literally responding in self defence to extreme violence on her person. Obviously once she had collected herself she felt extremely guilty but surely you can’t blame someone for being taken by surprise and momentarily forgetting they are responding to a child’s actions while self defensive instinct takes over.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 18:08

but Socrates did say they now lacked respect and are all tyrants!

It was said by Kenneth John Freeman in 1907 although the sentiment still stands because he was writing about the kids of 1907.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 18:09

You still don't hit an 8-year old back out of anger. You just don't. Ever.

BananaPop2020 · 27/06/2020 18:09

@LemonPeonies your response was really interesting as I too had an abusive first marriage, which I largely attribute to my having absolutely no idea of what a healthy loving relationship was meant to look like. In fact it is only in the last few years that I have reflected on how bad some of my childhood experiences were, and how much they have shaped me today. I don’t have kids, and I 100% link that decision to my upbringing.

Hopeful57 · 27/06/2020 18:10

He wasn't a toddler, he was 8, he was having a meltdown which involved him screaming in my face whilst slapping me, slapping himself, biting, kicking. He had just smacked me in the forehead with a metal truck hard enough for me to require stitches, and in the split-second after it happened I slapped his hand. It was reactionary response to sudden shock and pain. I told the doctor at the walk in what had happened and that I was a terrible person, he told me I wasn't and that it was a knee (or in that case hand) jerk response.

I haven't read all the other responses. But I agree, this seems like an instinctual response. Not a case of "lashing" out...

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 18:10

I didn't hit him in anger, there was no calculation or pre-emption on my part. Car to face, I reacted with no thought, and then I realised what I'd done.

BostonCheers · 27/06/2020 18:10

I'd happily describe myself as a strict parent and I have always set quite strict rules for the DC in regards to bedtimes, screen time and studying/homework etc. But I do believe that smacking is abusive and causes all sorts of issues further down the line.

The issue imo is when parents do not set proper boundaries and they effectively use smacking as a substitute for actually parenting and disciplining their children.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 18:11

So some violence against kids is okay then.

Fine, thanks for clarifying everyone and I'll change my views.

FFS. I'm out of here.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 18:12

Bye.

nestisflown · 27/06/2020 18:12

@ thedancingbear you’re just being a troll now. You have your own narrative and you’re sticking to it. Not conducive to any discussion at all

Kljnmw3459 · 27/06/2020 18:16

Tempting!!!!! But ineffective. You feel bad, child feels bad and nobody's learnt anything.