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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your opinion on slapping kids as discipline?

358 replies

Sizedoesmatter · 27/06/2020 12:36

Just curious to see what the general opinion is on using slapping or 'spanking' (I despise that word) children?

Mine is a very hard no. I don't agree with it in the slightest and I hate the argument of 'I was slapped and I turned out fine', in my opinion you didn't, because if you turned out fine you wouldn't be slapping your children. However 3 seperate sets of parents out of our friend group do use slapping as discipline, so it's obviously still quite common.

Is it ever OK to slap a child? Do you think it's an effective form of discipline? I got my fair share of whacks with the brush off the dustpan and brush or the wooden spoon. I can remember running from the house one day when my mother grabbed the sweeping brush during an argument. Can't say those experiences done me any good. Others may think different?

OP posts:
BananaPop2020 · 27/06/2020 14:53

@LemonPeonies I am in the same boat as you. I got slapped round the face, had my hair and ears pulled, was frequently compared to an animal and on one particularly sadistic occasion, was forced to place my hand on a frozen turkey until I got freezer burn as a punishment for larking around with my younger brother and putting ice down his T shirt. To this day my mother speaks about inflicting those punishments with a perverse sense of pride.

Mrsfrumble · 27/06/2020 15:08

I was smacked as a child and it didn’t do me any harm, in that it did no lasting psychological damage and I have a good relationship with my mum (who did the smacking). DH would probably say the same. HOWEVER (and this is important to note) we DO NOT smack our own children. Despite us not resenting our own parents, we both believe that there are better ways of teaching them right and wrong. For example, my mum used to smack my older brothers for hitting me, which was a rubbish, counterproductive way to convey the message that hurting someone smaller and weaker than you is wrong. But my mum had been smacked by her parents, had 3 children in 3.5 years and my dad was pretty useless when we were small (we were bloody horrible children too. Like wild animals sometimes) so like I say, I don’t hold it against her.

God knows I’ve felt like walloping mine at times; I didn’t know my own capacity for anger until I had them. But knowing we’ve resolved not to do it, and the fact it’s so socially frowned upon now (at least here in the UK*) has stopped me.

*We lived in the USA for a few years when they were tiny and I was shocked at how common it was there, even in public.

MrsToothyBitch · 27/06/2020 15:08

I was smacked and beaten with a flat backed hair brush as a child (in the 90s). I would NEVER use these "methods" of discipline.

I don't think they worked very well as methods, they showed me a thuggish, volatile and nasty of my mother that I still can't forget or fully trust and if anything, they taught me violence. I wouldn't want to promote any of this as acceptable.

Thurmanmurman · 27/06/2020 15:10

It's a no from me. It's lashing out because you can't control your temper, not an effective form of discipline.

molifly14 · 27/06/2020 15:21

How can you yeah a child not hit people if their parents do

Bouledeneige · 27/06/2020 16:12

No never did. I never felt the need or cane close to doing it.

I don't think I was smacked as a child - I don't remember. I'm from that era and my parents were quite traditional but I don't ever remember being smacked.

firstimemamma · 27/06/2020 16:14

It's never ok.

LemonPeonies · 27/06/2020 16:41

@BananaPop2020 that sounds awful, it's so strange how they don't see it as a bad thing either, although they must do because they get very defensive when I bring it up. Out of 4, I was the only child that was hit too but they say it's because I must have been badly behaved but I wasn't. My mum just has a funny thing about us answering back, just wants us to sit down and not have an opinion etc. Me and an older sibling have been in abusive relationships in adulthood.

kazzer2867 · 27/06/2020 16:53

@Userzzz
I smack once when I reach the boiling point and my DD is refusing to listen. I think it is an effective form of discipline as it kind of shocks her into listening and understanding who’s in charge

Of course, all children need direction and rules, and we all have different parenting styles, which you are free to choose and carry out. But, for me, physically disciplining children should not be one of them. Remember, children are still people. No child should be subject to physical harm if they step outside the rules, because what are we really teaching them?

There are plenty of ways to discipline and instil respect in your children without raising your hand to them. I remember feeling fear when I got disciplined by my father (think heavy duty belts). I would never want a child of mine to feel that way. never want my child to cower in fear as I head towards them because they have broken a rule.

Raising a child can be difficult, but I will never be convinced that the threat of physical harm can help any child’s development. As @Userzzz said, she smacks when she reaches boiling point. Showing her child who is in charge. What would we say if an adult said the same thing?

DanniArthur · 27/06/2020 16:58

I personally dont believe there is ever justification for hitting your child. My mum regularly hit me and it made me a nervous child who was scared of adults.
I'd hate for my DD to be scared of me and genuinely would be racked with guilt if I'd smacked her!

Noidea2114 · 27/06/2020 16:58

Nearly 40 years ago (while pregnant) I read a magazine article to have a 10 step punishment, if you haven't sorted the childs behaviour by the 9th than for the 10th give a short sharp slap on the childs hand. I never needed to get past 1. Distraction is the best method if they are old enough then when calm explain why that was naughty.

Both my children and even my Dh say that I have a certain look they were more scared of than if I ever shouted.

I wasn't just smacked as a child I was beaten with a belt. So I wouldn't and didn't smack my children.

justAquickQuestion101 · 27/06/2020 17:04

No, I will never lay hands on my children regardless the situation there are other ways to deal with bad behaviour and "hitting/slapping" isn't one of them

MinesAPintOfTea · 27/06/2020 17:05

@pigsDOfly

No...unless you are stopping a child injuring themselves seriously. Then perhaps a hand smack.

Cannot envisage a scenario where slapping a child in order to stop it injuring itself, seriously or non seriously, would ever be necessary or appropriate.

No, hitting children for any reason is never acceptable.

DS stopped in the middle of the road because he got distracted and wouldn't listen to me taking him to move. He was just too big to easily carry. He got a gentle tap on the arm at which point he started walking in the direction I was trying to pull him.

I apologised, and we had a chat about road safety, but I stand by it being an appropriate thing to do to a child who wouldn't move in the road on a junction.

I have never otherwise hit him and I was not frustrated, just scared a car was going to come around the corner!

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/06/2020 17:14

Shit and lazy parenting at best, full on abuse at worst.

Sparklesocks · 27/06/2020 17:18

No. I don’t think it’s reflective of a parent who is in control of their emotions.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:21

I can't see how a parent slapping their child is any better than a husband giving his wife a tap.

Violence is violence. And it's fucking horrifying that in 2020 there are plenty of mums who will try to defend it.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 17:23

I have four DC and can count on one hand the number of times I have smacked any of them. I've never done it as a punishment, each time has been as a reaction and we've discussed it afterwards where I've apologised and explained why it happened and also how I should have reacted instead.

One of the times was when DS was around 5 and saw my mum walking towards us from a side street on her way to meet us at our house. He shouted to her, pulled free from me, and then ran into the road to get to her, a van was coming and luckily the driver had enough time to hit the brakes and stop. It was a real heart in throat moment where I screamed his name, snatched him out of the road, and gave him a tap across the back of his legs before hugging him all while babbling "oh my god oh my god oh my bloody god".

Other DS smacked me on the face with a metal Tonka truck during a meltdown (ASD) and cut my forehead, in the split second after it happened I slapped his hand without thinking. I lashed out because I was shocked and hurt and instantly regretted it because he was in a state where he couldn't actually help it. I felt guilty for ages after.

When DD1 was 2 she pulled DS1's hair, fully wound her fingers in and wouldn't let go. DS was screaming, DD was laughing, I couldn't pry her fingers loose because she pulled harder when I did so I ended up tapping the back of her hand (not hard) to shock her into letting go.

It's not always as black and white as smacking = abuse.

Splinkyplonk · 27/06/2020 17:25

It's definitely not necessary, but parents do have to discipline their children and if those who use smacks, as they don't know any other methods, stop disciplining, the consequences are probably worse. So overall I don't judge on this one and just hope that as a society we learn better methods of getting the attention of misbehaving children and how to teach better behaviour.

strugglingwithdeciding · 27/06/2020 17:26

I dont do it but am from a generation that was smacked occasionally and none of us have grown up violent etc
It was a form of discipline then as thats how people behaved now we have other steps to use and are more aware
But i dont agree with no punishment at all and those parents who often say i just talk to mine and they have never misbehaved are often blinkered ans what i would not tolerate they would
But children today are in general a lot worse behaved and less respectful than they were when we were teenagers but i think more down to having too much and growing up too quick

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 17:28

But children today are in general a lot worse behaved and less respectful than they were when we were teenagers

They're really not. Kids are kids, same as they've always been.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:28

@KKSlider

I have had four wives and can count on one hand the number of times I have smacked any of them.

Do you see the problem?

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:30

But children today are in general a lot worse behaved and less respectful than they were when we were teenagers

'The youth of today have no respect' (or its close equivalent) was first written by Socrates in around 400 BC. You can look it up.

People not knocking their kids about has not had a negative impact on their behaviour.

thedancingbear · 27/06/2020 17:34

It's not always as black and white as smacking = abuse.

Yes it is.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 17:34

@thedancingbear and as I went on to explain in my post where I detailed the three occasions they were all reactionary to the situation and it was discussed with my DC afterwards. Recognising a behaviour has not been appropriate, talking about it, and then changing it.

Enjoy your high horse though.

KKSlider · 27/06/2020 17:35

The youth of today have no respect' (or its close equivalent) was first written by Socrates in around 400 BC. You can look it up

It was written 1907 and wrongly attributed to Socrates.