Has life knocked the stuffing out of you?

[Wheredoesthetimego1]

Read something earlier that caused a load of memories to come flooding back about my teen years. I'm amazed remembering some of the stuff I used to do! I seemed to have a sense of self-belief, a naive confidence that I've not had for many years. I did stuff, and tried stuff, and achieved stuff.

Funny thing is at the time I still thought I was inadequate in a way and felt restless to achieve more. But I didn't let feeling inadequate in this way hold me back, it just seemed to make me throw myself into stuff even more eagerly.

I'm not talking about being an Olympian or having the potential to be one or anything all fairly standard things really, but I just seemed to have a sense of determination I lack now. I have had a lot of hard knocks, a lot to do with health, and a lot of anxiety as a result.

Can anyone relate? Like unrelenting years of stress changed you in a way?

@Starksforthewin

“What do we say to the God of Death?”

“Not today.”

I totally love this.

Ive always found life a bit pointless and shit, and i know I'm one of the more fortunate ones.
I never understood why people want to bring kids into all of this, and watch them suffer the same. In fact, I think it's a bit sadistic

Yeah it shite that I never became the star I thought I was destined to become.Confidence has take a blow and I’m still reassessing the trajectory ahead.

Your post got a bit lost there @ParkheadParadise

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. x

I don't even know who I am, I'm a mum and that's all I am, along with being a nervous wreck. I have always suffered with lack of confidence, but that's gone completely now, constant heartbreak has knocked the stuffing out of me and tbh I feel like I'm just existing and not living.

Yes, my stuffing has been knocked out good and proper. If I wrote it all down I don’t think anyone would believe me. As a good friend said “you can’t write this shit!” With each passing thing I used to think it just bounced off me, like I was super resilient. Then DD died 5 years ago and since then I am struggling to keep it together, with each passing challenge I drown a little more and previous traumas, I thought I had coped with, seem to pull me deeper like seaweeds warped around my ankles. I am also riddled with arthritis and in constant pain.
I live for my children, to show them they are loved and to give them the very best start I can, but aside from them I would welcome death with open arms I am just so tired now.

Yup. I used to have less fear to try new things. Now I just want to be "safe" at home. When I look back I surprise myself. Like you, had some pretty hard knocks and I don't want to rock the boat anymore.

DoorstoManual thank you for saying that.

To me it just boils life down to one step in front of the other, breathe in and out one more time, and today is not going to be the day that I stop fighting.
I know it’s a fictional character, but that line touched me and I’ve drawn on it a lot at bad times.

So many of the posters on here have had more than their fair share of troubles. Some have had ten people’s worth of troubles. Do you ever wonder about people who seem to be blessed and sailing through?

It has to a certain extent but i keep buggering on....lockdown has made me realise that other people have knocked the stuffing out of ne...bullies, narcs , abusers etc and how nuch i thrive without their shit in my life. I might become a hermit..bliss!

What do i say to the god of death?

Not today because of dd but when you do arrive at least I won't have to put up with this shite anymore and i can have a well earned rest..oh and make it painless please!

Since 2011 I have felt as if life has knocked the stuffing out of me. Since 2014, it got worse and 2016 just about did me in. I had just about got to the stage where I was starting to think that life was slowly returning to a happy kind of normal when something else happened this year that has sent me spiralling right back to how I felt in 2016 (which was probably the lowest I have ever been).
Add into the equation this whole pandemic and I truly am not sure how much I have left.
I hate feeling like this - I used to be the life and soul of the party - the first one to arrive, the last to leave, now it's all I can do step outside of my flat.
I heard Dancing Queen on the radio the other day and I cried - I cried for the girl I used to be, I cried for the woman I am now and I cried for how I am not sure I'll ever get back to feeling anything other than sad.

I picked myself up before, but, honestly, I'm not sure if I can do it again.
But then, I read other peoples posts and I think I should just suck it up because there is always somebody worse off, isn't there?

@Starksforthewin

DoorstoManual thank you for saying that.

To me it just boils life down to one step in front of the other, breathe in and out one more time, and today is not going to be the day that I stop fighting.
I know it’s a fictional character, but that line touched me and I’ve drawn on it a lot at bad times.

So many of the posters on here have had more than their fair share of troubles. Some have had ten people’s worth of troubles. Do you ever wonder about people who seem to be blessed and sailing through?

Yes, sometimes I do. These are usually the people who come up to me to tell me I am "incredibly strong", or they "don't know how I got through it". This tells me they have no idea. And no understanding no one's given me a choice, I had to go through it.

I am careful not to envy them because it makes me resent my current position. And more importantly, you don't know what's around the corner. Maybe they haven't had their share of crap yet. Life doesn't save anyone and it's often just a matter of time. Some get away lighter, some are saved from things that would have been the absolute hardest for them, but overall, no one goes through it unscathed.

I think bhuddist teachings help me to a certain extent...the acknowledgement that the world is continuously changing and that change causes suffering. The ultimate cause of suffering is clinging on to life so it helps to face up to death as it puts everything in perspective and we can see death as another transformation rather than something to fear.
Having said that, grief is awful and j am more scared of loosing someone than dying myself. I am slso not sure if Karma works...how come evil dictators languish in luxury while the majority struggle on through?

@PurplePansy05 you articulated what I feel so well - the lightness of my previous approach to life is gone. I'd absolutely love to feel that way again.

@AutumnLeavesSeptember Thanks. I don't know what's going to make this happen for me. I feel even if I end up with a baby, this won't give me this lightness back and I'll have a new share of worries instead.

I think the only way is to find something new that I truly love and do it, on my own, for me. I'm thinking about it and hope this new thing, whatever it might be, will give me a boost and a will be that big, energising wave that will make me feel like I am surfing through life with excitement again.

So much trauma and loss on here. May you all find peace if not joy.

I have had a lot of trauma in my life.

As a toddler a parent and sibling died tragically, thus I grew up in a very unhappy, stressed, financially restricted family.
A few years later abuse started by a distant relative, I didn’t tell anyone.
As a teenager, a traumatic event which resulted in my making an attempt on my life.
Early 20’s had a child whose father didn’t want involvement and never has 20 years later, apart from a little bit at the start.
Late 20’s I left an abusive marriage.
30’s weren’t bad, a few little blips.
40’s have been a bit up and down so far but I’m hoping for some good news in the next few months.
I’m overweight by a stone or two and I’ve been trying but I’m an emotional eater and when I think of all that I’ve been through, I really think ‘fuck it’. Eat the damn cake, it’s amazing I’m here at all!

I feel like this at the moment. I have crippling anxiety and depression as a result but I am focussed on making huge changes to my life to fix it and make everyone’s lives better.

I’ll never forget 2020 as being the worst year I’ve ever had (and that’s without coronavirus stuff going on too!)

I cannot wait until it’s a bad memory.

I don’t even care that I’m wishing 6 months away (come at me 2021! I’m ready for you)

and to everyone who needs it

DH and I lost our 3 surviving parents in 3 years (my DDad died many years ago), I had a fairly serious illness and one of my DC had some mental health issues. I miss my DM every day and feel like I have aged ten years since she's been gone. On the whole you learn to live with it, but the sunshine definitely went out of my life for a while and made me wonder whether all the effort you put into life is worth it. Life can be tough.

The last year has left me on my knees. Husband left for younger woman. Gone none contact with demanding parents. Job is draining me. Lock down with the children and very little help.

Felt like not being here at all most days.

I get up everyday and try to make it the best I can. Some days I succeed and some I don’t. I will keep trying until it gets easier

Solidarity and thoughts with you all.

A year of watching my beautiful daughter go through chemo / radiotherapy has left me feeling in bits. I do my work and pretend everything is normal but I’m so very tired and fragile.

Me too. I think all my life has been traumatic. I was trying to pick my self up last year, went on holiday, got a personal trainer. And then a close relative died and the grief is still unbearable. I’m still here today because I have hope in the future but who knows. I just want to live in a sea of happiness. I’m hoping one day I will......

Last year, definitely it did.

Involved in a near fatal accident in my teens, which left one parent permanently disabled. I took on the role of confidante, cleaner, cook etc. No emotional support (narc parental issues) in those years which led to a drinking and substance abuse problem and a series of bad decisions, especially with men. Was sexually assaulted 3 times. Ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship, which luckily I left as it was becoming physical.

No confidence and a series of shit unfulfilling jobs as a result. Eventually met a lovely guy, and married into a family who are dysfunctional to put it politely; MIL has made my life hell. Had severe PND with each of my children and no emotional support from either side of the family. FIL died 2 years ago of alcoholism, then there was a family suicide in which caused absolute fucking carnage. DD then diagnosed with a health condition which is ongoing.

Felt suicidal myself, and after a series of CBT sessions and counselling, was put on antidepressants. Realised my suicidal thoughts were monthly, and finally got a diagnosis of PMDD, just as my marriage was a breaking point with my outbursts and rage. Now on the pill which has stopped the hormone storm of hell, antidepressants too. Feel calmer, but sex drive has completely disappeared.

But the medication has helped in that I have found some steely reserves, and decided to retrain. Have been accepted onto a course starting early next year, and for the first time in years feel like I'm swimming rather than drowning.

Life is fucking hard for everyone, but some of you have gone through hell I can never imagine. The thought of losing a child makes my blood run cold.

Sending love and support to all..my thoughts are with all of you.

Yep totally. In the last 3 years I nursed my Mum through her final illness - hideous colon cancer that ravaged her. (Whole business was nothing short of blunt trauma - pain barely under control, Mum was anally incontinent, we had a failing NHS trust that was pretty negligent towards her and adult social care support that was non-existent.)

Both my parents are now dead, my grandparents and aunts and uncles are now dead. I have no cousins and my brother is emotionally pretty distant and we only speak about 2-3 times a year. I feel like I've lost my whole family.

After Mum died we spent 15 months on diagnostic pathway to get DS diagnosed with Autism. And then spent another 8 months battling the local NHS trust to get access to SALT and the local LEA to get an EHCP. Just having to fight the authorities for resources that my child needs and should be entitled to takes up so much fucking energy and brain space.

I absolutely hate my job but I've been fighting so many battles on the home front over the past 3 years that I'm barely competent at work these days. I don't have the confidence to go anywhere else.

My son is great. My husband is a rock. But I feel the loss of my wider family so much. The loneliness is awful. I just feel emotionally and physically knackered pretty much all the time. It sucks.

I know I have to keep going for DS's sake so just trying to find ways to get through each day. Mindfulness sometimes helps. Exercise sometimes helps. We're hoping to get a dog soon.

Sending to all the brave women on here who are just fighting to get through the days. Hang on in there.