Has life knocked the stuffing out of you?

[Wheredoesthetimego1]

Read something earlier that caused a load of memories to come flooding back about my teen years. I'm amazed remembering some of the stuff I used to do! I seemed to have a sense of self-belief, a naive confidence that I've not had for many years. I did stuff, and tried stuff, and achieved stuff.

Funny thing is at the time I still thought I was inadequate in a way and felt restless to achieve more. But I didn't let feeling inadequate in this way hold me back, it just seemed to make me throw myself into stuff even more eagerly.

I'm not talking about being an Olympian or having the potential to be one or anything all fairly standard things really, but I just seemed to have a sense of determination I lack now. I have had a lot of hard knocks, a lot to do with health, and a lot of anxiety as a result.

Can anyone relate? Like unrelenting years of stress changed you in a way?

I keep cross posting with people telling heartbreaking stories.

I am so sorry for everyone who feels pushed to the edge by loss and devastation. I hope things, somehow, get better.

I always wanted to help others, save the planet, correct injustices. Instead I keep my head down in a job that's meaningless because it turns out I can't handle stress or confrontation. I pay the mortgage and cook and try not to fuck up my kids too badly.

to all of you, and a special one to those of you who have lost part of themselves following baby losses. You're not alone xx

@corythatwas

We had a rehearsal of the pandemic last year, when dd caught an ordinary virus, lost her speech and nearly all other functions and did not regain her proper ability to walk for nearly a year. We kept going. She went to her classes even though she kept fainting in mid-lesson. She never saw how frightened I was. What she saw was that I believed that she would keep going.

This made me a little misty- eyed. Especially the “what she saw was that I believed that she would keep going”. I think that is parenthood in a nutshell. Hope she’s doing well corythatwas

I've been keeping on keeping on struggling with my own ill health for years Finally got married age 51 and my husband now needs care 24/7 Im 55 and done this pandemic has finished me

@Wheredoesthetimego1

I have had to keep going, what's the alternative?

Yes, we all do keep going to the very best of our ability. People generally do the best they can with the resources they have available at the time.

What I'm saying is different I guess. It's more that I think that people who have not had a lot of trauma have a certain buoyancy, that I think I last saw in myself as a teen. A long time ago.

So I keep going, but I do think I've lost some of that mixture of confidence, energy and enthusiasm because life kicked the shit out of me for a sustained period of time.

I don't think I even had it as a teen. I think I became a different person from the one I should have been because of it all.

@Elderflower14 I'm so sorry, what a tough time your family have endured

Like a PP, I had a tough time when I was younger. It made me toughen up and become incredibly resilient. It means that even in my crappy, bad days (of which I have many) I know I will get through for another day. In many ways I feel like I have more confidence than when I was younger but there are maybe more things for me to worry about now. Lockdown has seen my mood really drop, not depression or anxiety just “down.” I figure at some point things will seem better though.

Yes, sometimes I feel like giving up. My childhood was very lonely with an older sibling who had mental and ‘behavioural’ (as they called it) problems who had all the attention. Father who was emotionally absent and who drank, mother who overlooked me because I was a quiet kid. Bullying. Then sent away to boarding school where I was bullied by staff and became depressed. Suicide attempt at 14, mother ignored it. Then seriously sexually assaulted at the age of 15/(never told anyone) then raped, aged 16 (never told anyone).

At 18 developed depression and anxiety and body dysmorphic disorder. Suicide attempt at 23 and hospitalised. Series of absolutely awful psychiatrists, a profession I have a bit of prejudice about. Counselling for 2 years. Eventually managed to come out of the mental illness enough to get a job and go into the workplace. I was mid twenties at this stage. Then, aged 27 met my husband to be.

After workplace sexual harassment and bullying, relapsed into mental illness again. 2 more years of counselling. Managed a couple of years before relapsing again. More counselling and CBT. Father was descending into severe alcoholism at this stage and sibling also. Father then had a stroke, paralysed from chest down and died 2 years later. The 2 years later sibling died from alcoholism. Best friend became odd and competitive with me eventually leading to breakdown of friendship. Relapsed again. 2 more years of counselling, then more CBT. Plus, having to persuade ageing mother to move into a flat which was really difficult, because she’s stubborn. Managed to do all of it on my own with husband’s help as mother refused to do anything.

Through it all amazing dh stood by and supported me.

I’m still here but life has not been easy. But I am a stubborn cow too and I’m not bloody giving up. So, fuck you Life, you haven’t finished me off yet, you bastard!

Sending lots of love to everyone on this thread.

Wow. I have some really down days and then beat myself up because I know I am generally so lucky. Reading about everyone's heartbreak and suffering just hammers that home. I do think generally though as a young person you often have a lust for life and enthusiasm for experiencing and doing that starts to wear down over the years.

I do sometimes think about the extraordinary resilience of people. All sorts people who've gone through all sorts. From my friend who got up to find her 1 year old dead in her cot, to those living addicted to drugs or alcohol with no secure home or income and very poor quality of life. Life must seem so pointless and unenjoyable. That's just in this country - there are millions all over the world living each day without access to clean water, sanitation, basic shelter, education, work. Thousands living for years in tents in refugee camps, raising their children there. How? Just how are they getting up each morning managing to get through the day?

I'm in awe of people who live through hardships I can hardly imagine.

Yes. I'm a member of 5 social minority groups (including a minority within a minority of 2 of those), have been in two long-term abusive relationships (including one which resulted in 2 years of family court where SS though I was such a bad parent they recommended my daughter be sent 150 miles away to live with my abusive ex - which fortunately did not happen), have/had housing, employment, educational, mental health issues, few friends, etc.

It's called allostatic load.

I have simplified my life as much as possible to minimise the capacity I need to do things as I don't have the resources to commit to things and have them go wrong etc and add all that daily stress to the cumulative issues.

@StopGo I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that, sometime in the future, there is a better life for you.

I once loved, music,books, film ect.. is it just an age thing I wonder? ( I'm 40) Everything now is just blah

40? No, it's not just an age thing. It's really not. To me, 40 is young - I'd kill to be 40 again. I love books, music and films, and I'm WAY older than you.

Thinking about it, I've gone through 20 years of living with an abusive father (master of coercive control, verbally, financially and at times physically abusive to the family). Then several toxic relationships which luckily I've managed to get out of, but deep inside my self esteem was rock bottom then. I had a form of an eating disorder at university and was sexually assaulted when I was in my young teens. Moved countries before which was hard and had to endure prejudice. Sexism in work in previous jobs. Also had a number of bereavements in my close family and friends group in the last 2 years.

It's weird, but none of that came to my mind when I first answered this post. I think it's been gradually chipping in into my determination and happiness. But nothing, absolutely nothing compared to losing my children. This is what knocked me for six, maybe it was the combination of all these things finally hitting me. But that's the one thing in life after which I really feel I changed overnight. I am resilient and confident, but not joyful or hopeful about the future anymore.

BarbedBloom

Yes. Abusive parents, bullied at school, abusive husband who left me in tons of debt, two children with additional needs, one of whom had to be home educated, years of lone parenthood.

My kids make every second of it worthwhile though I do very occasionally feel so overwhelmed that I can't see how I can possibly carry on under this pressure, but I have to so no use moaning about it

Yes. I am fortunate to have a loving marriage and much-wanted child, a lovely home and a career I've worked hard for and truly value. But surface appearances belie the affects of growing up with an abusive father and suffering violence - sexual and otherwise - repeatedly at the hands of abusive men. I broke this cycle, met a non-abusive partner, and fought back hard when I recently found myself at the butt of similar harrassment and assault in a supposedly respectable, professional workplace. (Who, I might add, behaved admirably and sacked the fucker). On top of this, most of my loved ones have died; the death of my mother being a particularly devastating blow that I've never got over. My wonderful brother then spiralled into substance abuse. I then suffered 10 years' infertility and 5 miscarriages. My life has changed completely having finally recognised - and had treated - the condition of cPTSD.

Appearances don't tell the whole story of someone's life. You never know what someone is carrying around with them. Relentless stress is very wearing and takes its toll. People say 'I don't know how you cope'. But no one would voluntarily choose these situations; we don't get a say. if life in its wisdom decides to throw the shit your way, you have no choice but to cope.

A positive of all this is that I believe I have the capacity to experience unmitigated happiness. Maybe not especially often, and possibly not for long. But I do know what true happiness is. It's not everyone who can honestly say that. But as my old gran used to say, 'if you never experience any downs in life, then how are you meant to appreciate the 'ups?'

to everyone here who has travelled such difficult roads. Some of the stories on this thread are heartbreaking.

I had this exact conversation with my DH this morning and I told him a recent incident had broken me and I don't know if I can come back from it to my former self. I'm finally defeated. I got to the 12th round and am KO'd.

I too think life has just caught up with me. Up until recently I would have said that I was very resilient. Death of parent when young, step family dramas still ongoing, moving countries, infertility x 2, issues with sick baby, serious menopausal problems and recent marriage problems. A year ago I started to sort my life out, ended up with 2 great p/t jobs, one has just imploded and I may be made redundant from the other. Coronavirus has really fucked up getting back on my feet. Now something has resurfaced in our family again causing loads of stress and I just can't take any more. I give in, I cave, I thrown in the white towel.

I'm overweight, let myself go, don't really care that much about myself any more and have had the stuffing knocked out of me. I'm tired. I think I need to simplify my life and look at my own allostatic load.

The allostatic load concept explains a lot of what I felt, especially at certain times in my past, but didn't know about.

Yes
After my dd was murdered nearly 5 yrs ago my life is totally different from what i imagined.
I've aged, looking back at pictures i look so different. Dealing with something like that and the horrendous court case that followed changed me as a person. I lost my mum 2 yrs after dd it nearly destroyed me.
Dh and dd2 keep me going. There is a sadness and emptiness that will never leave me.

MarieIVanArkleStinks I've only recently discovered CPTSD and it's been a revelation. I'm sure you must know Pete Walker's book? It's like the only self help book I ever needed (wish I knew that 25 years ago!)

to you and everyone else here.

The thing that was almost my last straw was xh falling out of love with me. That really did break me down to fragments, my last shred of "everything's going to be ok" destroyed. I wanted to die but luckily (in retrospect) I had the dc to keep living for.

I'm going to remember to be extra kind to strangers after this thread.

36 years old and fucking done. It's just been a relentless wall of shit for 7 years. Im desperate for things to get better but I honestly don't think they ever will.

I read an interview with the sister of Natasha Richardson, the actress who died young after banging her head on a ski slope. Her sister said that the grief felt like it had changed her DNA. That resonated so much with me as I had lost my mother the year before, and the grief was actually physically painful. So yes, we get the stuffing knocked out. But I hope it gets replaced with sturdier stuff. There’s a huge tribe of us. 💐

I'm going through a phase where I cannot read books, cannot watch films. I just can't find hope or escape in them. Not even my usual go-tos.

Same here OP. Grew up in a hone where my Dad was abusive and my mum was an alcoholic- must have been her escapism bless her.

Then lost my mam early 20’s and dad is useless. Couldn’t depend on him at all.

Always felt I had to be careful when making decisions because I know I didn’t have parents to help me out and if I fucked up then I’d probably end up on the streets as I had no one to bail me out.

Have worried about my children over the years about health related conditions etc so that really got me down and took a lot out of me.

Now I just feel like an anxious mess most of the time. My DH can’t understand but he came from the ‘perfect family’ as he says and never had to worry about anything other than could he make the rugby that weekend.

I feel like my flight or fight response is broken 😕

I'm 45 and don't know if I'd say life has knocked the stuffing out of me. I'm just always tired, so tired. I really need some time alone to rest, just a few days but life is so relentless. There's always stuff to do. It never ends and so I always feel weary. I have had major traumatic events in my life but actually I don't think they've knocked the stuffing out if me. It's a cliche but they've made me stronger. What saps my energy is just the mundane chores and never getting time to myself.