Has life knocked the stuffing out of you?

[Wheredoesthetimego1]

Read something earlier that caused a load of memories to come flooding back about my teen years. I'm amazed remembering some of the stuff I used to do! I seemed to have a sense of self-belief, a naive confidence that I've not had for many years. I did stuff, and tried stuff, and achieved stuff.

Funny thing is at the time I still thought I was inadequate in a way and felt restless to achieve more. But I didn't let feeling inadequate in this way hold me back, it just seemed to make me throw myself into stuff even more eagerly.

I'm not talking about being an Olympian or having the potential to be one or anything all fairly standard things really, but I just seemed to have a sense of determination I lack now. I have had a lot of hard knocks, a lot to do with health, and a lot of anxiety as a result.

Can anyone relate? Like unrelenting years of stress changed you in a way?

@Paranoidmarvin I know last thing you need is armchair diagnosis but have you talked to health professionals about hypermobility? A lot of your issues sound connected. Take care ❤️

Babes a broken flight or fight response resonates with me. I was physically abused by my older brother when I was very young. As an adult when something frightens or upsets me I can't turn off the physical effects of anxiety, even when my mind reasons there is no need to be afraid or stressed.

Quite the reverse. My teen years were spent as the mousey, nerdy, not part of the alpha gang one. The alpha girls were the ones who wpuld rule the world and were admired. Some I thought were so amazing and looked up to them: popular, confident, trendy.

I dropped out of university, spent a little time abroad, came back and got a job.

I loved work. I was good at work. I grew.

So no I don't agree but I don't think the UK's school system serves young people well for the real world.

Since school I've had to crawl back from a few things: broken engagement, multiple miscarriage, baby who died, chronic illness, broken back.

But nothing has knocked the stuffing out of me. I've gritted my teeth and turned it round and got over it. I am convinced that being crap at school gave me the resilience to keep on bouncing back.

Life has, on the whole been good.

@rosamacrose I live this:
I keep pushing for the life that is mine.

I have had 10-20 years of varying degrees of shit and some very dark times but I have FINALLY realised that there is no going back to reclaim any past self (real or imaginary) or raging against an unfulfilled present self. We only have where and who we are now.

I listened to a cheesy podcast with aNike coach talking about training runners and he basically said that - I can only work with who you are now. And it really helped me see it. I work daily on being more present, more thoughtful and intentional (what are.my values? Do my actions match?), listening more and better. It is wonderful and freeing (and tiring).

I also did a LOT of stripping back after a particularly traumatic time last year. Again from the Nike coach - if you're struggling, slow down.

@rosamacrose I meant to say I love this but I also live it! You sound amazing x

I think you have an idealistic view of life when you start out. You see the good in everyone, think everyone has your morals and vision, but then life experiences knock you to the ground, and makes you realise not everyone is good, and that the only person you can really trust is yourself. I’m a different person to what I once was - probably harder.

I totally agree OP. I was a very high achiever. I had a massive bucket list when I was in my 20s and I did them all - travel, owning several homes, qualifications, competing in my chosen sport, job I loved etc. Then my 30s hit and i suffered major health failures and infertility and more and more health issues. I'm mid 40s now and i have completely lost my buoyancy. I'm a different person than I was and I don't see the old me coming back. I have no confidence that things will be ok, have lost the view that shit always happens to other people and that when theres a very small chance of something bad happening I wander why wouldnt it happen to me!

I think the saying that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger is bollocks.

I used to believe you could achieve anything you want if you work hard enough. And even only weak people got sick. Ridiculous I know but it gave me a confidence of youth. Now I know that it doesnt matter how hard you work you cant cure infertility or fix health problems.

Not everything is achievable. If someone had told me that when i was young I wouldn't have believed them.

I think of it in a different way. I did have the youthful confidence and invincibility but it was misplaced and while I did ok, I wanted quick results, everything seemed to take an age and I really wasn't all that, or all that clever.
Now I look about me, I'm ok, but I'm not brilliant or special and I've spent more time getting to a place I want to be in my career, not for money or status, but for interest that will keep me engaged and energised and doing well until I retire.
I've realised the value of a slow burn, plugging away, more self awareness and awareness of what is important.
We all are a little careworn when we get older, but maybe the stuffing wasn't earning its keep and weighing us down against the important stuff?
Less energy means we have to invest it more judiciously.

Punkatheart what a lovely and inspiring post

I broke down today. Mentally, I don't have a car anymore. It feels slightly better to say it out loud to a public forum.

We all are a little careworn when we get older, but maybe the stuffing wasn't earning its keep and weighing us down against the important stuff?

No, that isn't quite what I mean when I talk about 'the stuffing' being knocked out. I'm referring to a string of traumatic events that sets you back and saps your energy physically, emotionally and mentally. Not just healthy challenges that are par for the course and to be expected, that require a reasonable amount of resilience.

I don't mean the process of maturing whereby you begin to see the value of a slow burn as you call it, developing self awareness, and a growing realisation of what really matters to you - though I do agree with all these things being useful and valuable and part of personal growth!

I think pretty much every human will experience different traumatic things in their life if they live long enough. But I do think some people experience a rapid succession of shitty events that, well, can deflate you in a way that otherwise wouldn't have happened.

My heart goes out to you guys Paranoid Martin and Autumn Leaves, and others. So much suffering.
The stuffing has been knocked of me by lots of stress the last many years - I can hardly believe I travelled across parts of Africa in my twenties, and now I am too tired to go to the end of the road, and too anxious to do lots of things.
But I have reread the book "Your Body Speaks your Mind", by Deb Shapiro, It provides a way to undertstand the buried feelings and conflicts and stresses that lie behind illness, and helps make changes to heal oneself.
Hope you all get your stuffing back - and soon, and enjoy life again.

@Griefmonster
Keep pushing for the life that is yours
(actually there was a typo, I was 58 when I ran to the refuge. Never too late)

Like Cory- yes I had a self righteous unearned confidence based on bugger all when younger. But honestly it seems to me that it is the crap life throws up that builds real strength. So for the most part we amaze even ourselves with our resilience and keep on keeping on. Battered maybe but still stuffed so to speak!

I too don't think it's about maturing. I had this flair, brilliance and bravery up until my early 30s. Now I'm nearing 35 and everything that's happened in the last few years has made me understand a lot more about how the world works. I also lost my innocence about how cruel it can truly be, and with that, the lightness of being is gone. Thing is, this positive, infectious drive was my defining trait, I loved it and people around me were drawn to it. I do actually want to recover it, it was my stuffing. I believe that deep inside it is still who I truly am, but for now I got tired and it's buried under all the difficulties. I don't think it's immature to have this lust, lightness and enjoyment of life.

I think sometimes we tend to set our goals really high. There are lots of high achievers on this thread and I really see that we never give ourselves a break, to just feel worse, to recover, to pause for a bit. Maybe that's what's needed and that 'mojo' will return in time.

@Snaptheirfingers

Sorry to hear about your rough childhood at the hands of your brother. I think it’s actually “a thing” not sure the name of it, but when too much fight/flight (or too much stress) can cause it not to work properly.

It’s sad that people carry around the burden if their past through no fault of their own and it can affect their future

* I think you have an idealistic view of life when you start out. You see the good in everyone, think everyone has your morals and vision, but then life experiences knock you to the ground, and makes you realise not everyone is good, and that the only person you can really trust is yourself. I’m a different person to what I once was - probably harder*

@Livelovebehappy

I couldn’t agree more with your post. It’s frighteningly true

These are heartbreaking.

Here's to good health and life ahead to you all

I feel a bit like this. Family stress has worn me down. Blood family, not dh and the dcs.

I get where you're coming from OP. The last six years have often felt like a constant stream of shit, with only a few good things happening in the middle. DP of seven years dumped me out of the blue, I had nowhere to live, dad got dementia, had a bullying manager at work, a move to a new job that was even worse, depression, mum getting terminal cancer and dad dying from covid. All the while I started understanding a lot of stuff about my childhood that I had previously buried under the carpet. Mum had some severe mental illnesses and my dad's response was to pretend it wasn't happening, so not exactly a healthy environment.

There have been some positives like meeting my DP, but it's hard not to get worn down when you're having to deal with these huge overwhelming issues over and over again. I am getting counselling which helps, but it's hard. I do feel like I'm making a little bit of progress though.

Not sure I can really give any advice, but you're definitely not alone.

Yes. For years I felt like if I kept just getting up and going at something again and again that life would be better.
Honestly, right now I'm feeling like a teddy bear who's been washed a few too many times, whos lost all bounce, has one eye and a leg hanging on by a couple of threads.

I dont know how to get back to where I was.

Funnily, life has been far worse. I remember being a broke 18 year old, fuck me life was bad, but I still woke up each day happy and looking forward to the day ahead and thankful I could go and buy nappies.

Now, no such feeling and life is substantially better.

I’ve been in survival mode for years. I’ve no enthusiasm for anything but I keep going as I’ve no other option, I can’t let several children and adults down. If it was just me, I’d be long gone.

So much sadness here, but resilience too.

I can only echo many of you in respect to a shower of life shit changing the person I used to be.

Now I paraphrase Arya Stark 😀 It helps a little.

“What do we say to the God of Death?”

“Not today.”

I am 56 in the last thirty years life has thrown this at me...

1994 Huge neck operation,(Castlemans disease) fairly primitive radiotherapy.

2001Post partum cardiomyopathy, within two days of birth, told definitvely no more children, no breastfeeding, drugs for life.

October 2001 (post 9/11) Having moved south for the job of a lifetime the US pulled the plug on the start up. So I now have a much longed for baby, a heart condition, a life time of medication looming, a £1,600 mortgage as opposed to the £400 mortgage in the north of England.

Six months for my DH to get a job, we lived on nothing.

Within a year of his new job DH goes totally deaf (was happening but accelerated)

Thankfully and eventually when DS is two he gets a cochlear implant.

We are still too broke to breathe in and out without thinking about it.

2015 , lingering sore throat and deep ear pain turns out to be tonsil cancer.

August 2019 -Finally coming up for air, mortgage gone, new kitchen and bathroom installed ( I only waited twenty years ) I find a tiny lump, 3mm the ensuing treatment damn near kills me.

Chemo followed by radio, I walked out of there on the 23rd of March at which point we were locked down.

So in essence, I have been locked down for ten months.

Memo to life, no you have not knocked the stuffing out of me.

MUST TRY HARDER

Yeah, a bit. I sank deep into conspiracy theories etc for a long time which got me exactly...nowhere. What's the point? People do crap to each other and hopefully you're just not one of those people.