AIBU to think how men have got away with this for far to long

[Alex50]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-53064741

Why don’t they pay for their children and think it’s ok?

No I don't...I know they exist but me personally, no I don't. If I had friends or relatives who I believed were neglecting their DC, I would report them.

How are the people you know personally relevant in the context of this thread, if you don’t know the poster?

@Givenupno on your telling of your situation your children are living in poverty and neglect. They aren't fed, washed or clothed appropriately. They live with a 'mad' woman because for literally no reason the judge decided against your custody case. And you think that the best thing to do, rather than paying child maintenance is to get a loan to buy a grand gesture laptop?

How are the people you know personally relevant in the context of this thread, if you don’t know the poster?

I was asked if I knew any neglected children...I responded

The vitriol on here toward @Givenupno is disgusting.

He clearly loves his kids and they want to live with him.

Just because there are men out there who have behaved terribly, it doesn't mean they all do.

Variable experiences with all forms of officialdom is hardly unusual.

True. I always think of CMS as one big central organisation, rather than something spilt into smaller departments but I suppose as you say it’s not much difference to every other gov organisation.

What NYCDreaming said

No, you were trying to discredit a pp by saying it was “unusual” for a Mother to neglect their children and then admitted it wasn’t unusual (otherwise social services would be out of a job), but you didn’t know of any personally. Which is irrelevant really to the topic you were responding to.

Doesn’t take long for these threads to turn to unpleasant. If people could discuss these matters objectively it might help in solving the wider issue.

she regularly send them in filthy clothes that don't fit

To be fair I send my kids in their crappiest clothing when they go to their dads as he always kept the clothes I sent and have back poorer quality ones. We get on ok in terms of co-parenting and accepts that keep their good clothes here with me.

He also pays the minimum maintainence and paid nothing whilst furloughed but that's because he just about scrapes by in good times. I earn a decent amount and this continued throughout lockdown.

Sadly many men use money as the last remaining bit of power over a woman. More should be done and I'd be ok with stronger enforcement as long as some parents could choose to opt out.

I'm also a mad woman with nice nails, my ex doesn't hold money back because of this.

A lot of women are mugs!!
They will take on live with and love a man who doesn't pay for children from an earlier marriage.
Why would you even do that?
From experience, I chose a man who I could respect to honour his responsibilities to his earlier family. Yes it cost us but we had peace of mind we had done the best we could for the children.
Their new partners should be ashamed of themselves if they allow the men to toss away their responsibilities for their kids.

I'm also a mad woman with nice nails, my ex doesn't hold money back because of this.

Yes clearly children have a cost associated with their living expenses irrespective of the status of the Mothers nails!
I have shit nails and unfortunately for me DS’ doesn’t cost less!

Bringing up DC with no financial or physical help from the father, whilst working and claiming benefits would send any person mad.

It amazes me how many men think they can walk away, with no responsibility, and then paint the ex as a mad bitch to anyone who will listen to lessen the blame on him.

The vitriol on here toward @Givenupno* is disgusting.

He clearly loves his kids and they want to live with him.

Just because there are men out there who have behaved terribly, it doesn't mean they all do.*

Thank you.

A few here want to try living my life for the last three years and tell me what they would have done differently.

I have done EVERYTHING I can to get those kids what they want and it has cost me my health and every penny o had trying my utmost to Do the best I can for my children.

To the poster who suggests I would keep the best clothes here. I barely see them. They never stay over, and are not allowed to keep clothes here by their mum.

They aren’t allowed to use gifts I get them for Christmas or birthdays, and I guess she uses the laptops more than they do.

She doesn’t allow them to respond to any messages I ever send (on the phones I pay for)

But since all women are perfect and all men are twats I suppose I should just give up trying to get the contact THEY want, ignore the cardiologist and go back to work so I can send her cash each month to spend on more nights out for herself whilst neglecting the kids.

You would be amazed what a really good family lawyer can achieve against someone who has virtually no legal representation

It's not only men.

On, and for the record, when o was last working (in a very stressful job that I took only to be able to provide a home I hoped the kids could share with me as they wanted) I offered to pay her £1000 a month and she refused it, preceding to play the victim card.

It's not only men.

It mainly is.

I'll explain why as the vast majority (in fact all of the ones I personal know) of child live with their mothers. This is a sexist issue. It is mainly women trying to get CMS not men. Just like it is mainly women who suffer rape and yet only 1.7% result in a result. My ex earns well over £40K + but because he is devious and maximises his pension etc -he pays me - and he considers it to be paying me (not his children) a crappy amount via the CMS. By court order he is supposed to pay half of uniform and other expenses for the children -on top of his CMS -he pays the CMS -not the other. Really I should take him back to court and enforce it. But the reality is -it would cost me more time and money that I would get in return. I trust him the same as I trust a dung beetle not to live in crap. The crazy thing is he doesn't need the money -he has no mortgage, few outgoings, and few expenses -but like Mr Mean he enjoys sitting and counting his money. Even the children see it -he won't take them swimming for example as it costs money. And he says "ask your mother I pay her to do that -that money is for you, not her". In EVERY single marital break up I have known the woman focuses on the children, the man protecting his money. The law needs to change and if you owe £1 for a child you pay for it with a CCJ which is automatic. One parent I know he lives in £500K owed house (solely by him) and drives a £60K range rover and yet he doesn't earn a penny or pay any money for the children. Nothing -not a bean as he 'doesn't earn anything' -bollocks.

Nobody actually knows if Givenupno account is accurate, but it seems unreasonable to assume he’s lying just because all Mothers are perfect. I’m met imperfect and actually neglectful parents of both genders!

@NCforsafety

Ummm surely you meant to say men and women? It's not just Dad's that don't pay - there are a fair amount of deadbeat Mum's too.

Yes but this post is about men.

I find the vitriol towards @Givenupno appalling!
It's amazing how perfect MN thinks moms are compared to feckless men, when so many threads are started on MN about how awful/hateful/neglectful etc mothers are.
Then so many others pipe in to say they underwent the same nastiness and abuse from their moms; who they're then advised to go no-contact

100% agree. I've never been in the unfortunate position of needing them but it winds me up irrationally that the agency doesn't have more teeth. They replaced one useless agency with another without fundamentally changing the system.

I'd love to be a PI and scope out the wrong uns and bring them to justice for the sake of their children. Men who see defaulting as getting one over on their exes are despicable. It's their children who are suffering by their shitty behaviour. (Obviously the ex is too but the harm isn't solely done to her so their children will suffer)

I have a friend whose ex pays her £5 a week for their DS. She won’t ask him for more as she’s scared he will stop seeing him the one night a month he does.
He has older children he pays properly for. He’s had a new baby with the woman he lives with.
She’s too scared of her son being fatherless to push it though.

@Givenupno nobody is telling you to go and work even on your deathbed to send her a cheque so that she can go boozing although it's very telling that it's the way you perceive people telling you that you should be paying child maintenance.

You don't have a special reason not to pay child maintenance, you are saying what all the deadbeat dads say. If you look in your first post there was no mention of this cartoon villain ex-partner, just that you don't want to pay her in case she uses the money to get her hair and nails done or to go out.

Because the system is largely sexist and women's work isn't valued.