AIBU to think how men have got away with this for far to long

[Alex50]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-53064741

Why don’t they pay for their children and think it’s ok?

You don't have a special reason not to pay child maintenance, you are saying what all the deadbeat dads say. If you look in your first post there was no mention of this cartoon villain ex-partner, just that you don't want to pay her in case she uses the money to get her hair and nails done or to go out.”

No.

I made the point that she claims to be penniless, uses food banks etc yet spunks hundreds of pounds a week on nights out. Nights when she isn’t with the kids and they would love to be with me but instead get dumped with whoever will take them.

@wineandroses1

The CMS is an absolute disgrace (as are the dead-beats scumbags that refuse to pay to support their own children). The Government in this country does nothing to enforce child maintenance, and yet tax evaders are hunted down. I don't get it. We desperately need an American-style system that comes down heavily on the huge number of parents that clearly don't love their children enough to ensure they have food on the table and shoes on their feet. Fucking scum.

I've no personal axe to grind here, but have seen the desperation of single parents (mostly single mothers) when their partners simply walk away and then hide/deny/fiddle their incomes in order to literally take the food out of their children's mouths. They should be outcasts in our society, but they're not, and I don't know why. They should be imprisoned and their assets transferred to their children.

Totally agree - I wrote to Maria Miller when she was in charge of it to complain and got a mealy-mouthed bag of shite reply.

Don't you need a referral from a doctor/hv/ss etc to access a food bank?

[quote NYCDreaming]@Givenupno your ex is 'mad' is she? It's so strange isn't it, the amount of men who have a 'mad' ex partner? Especially ones who spends all of their money on getting their nails done. There's some kind of epidemic of mad women with perfect nails who don't deserve child maintenance from their poor ex partners [/quote]
Oh, @NYCDreaming that’s me as well according to my ex husband. I’m completely batshit apparently and only want maintenance so I can get drunk.

It’s been going on for ten years now. Ds is 18 - he leaves full time education next June and ex h can go and fuck himself. He holds his money over me. Ds once went to stay for him for two weeks, ripped of a sole on his shoe on the second day. Ex h bought him a new pair and took the coat off the maintainance payment the next month - he’s that much of a wanker. Couldn’t even spend a tenner on a pair of supermarket trainers without taking it off what he gave me.

I’m another who tried CMS but they were useless. On what ex h was earning when we split he should be paying three times what he does. He only sees Ds a few times a year as well.

But conveniently, he says he was made redundant and had to take a low paying job when we split. Funny how you can still see him as a partner in the firm and he’s all over the website still.

I’m mad as a hatter though, so don’t listen to me.

The men I know not paying seem to think that they somehow have to give their HARD earned money to the ex so she can blow it on what she likes instead of seeing it for what it is, a financial contribution to their own children.
The number of times I’ve heard the ‘and she goes out every weekend’ blah blah blah story’ and I’m not paying for that... and I’m talking about couples who both have a half decent income where the woman ends up covering most of the kids upkeep and dad swans in twice a year with an extravagant holiday or ridiculous Christmas present when what the kids actually need is someone paying towards football club or music lessons Or school uinform alll year round.
Have a mate who’s ex is very well off and not paying a penny, he’s used his self employed status to hide earnings and folded his company, and started another. He’s just trying to make it as awkward as possible for his ex and despite claiming he loves his kid and wants to be there seems to have lost sight of that.

@formerbabe

Don't you need a referral from a doctor/hv/ss etc to access a food bank?

She's so 'mad' they just give her a free pass to go every time, former.

Good thread, OP. Absolutely. I posted about this on another thread. Men who do not pay for the children they helped create should have their rights seriously curtailed, ie. money taken from them by garnish order, forced to work to pay for them... and definitely not permitted to create more children, using whatever medieval means necessary to prevent that.

I will read up on the American system but, if we have to have 'baby showers' as an import, we shouldn't shy away from the good stuff too - and making deadbeat dads pay is a very good thing.

When my DS was around 2 months old his Father told me he 'wasn't ready to be a Dad' so apologised and moved out. I've had nothing, no money at all and CMS are a joke. His Father earns approx £40k per year and has no other children (that I'm aware of!).

It's an outdated system and needs reform.

(I have nice nails though )

Don't you need a referral from a doctor/hv/ss etc to access a food bank?

Depends where you live.

Also depends if you declare your income or do all your work for cash.

Also, guess you wouldn’t be eligible if she had accepted the offer of £1000 a month when I made it (and was in a position to) and what sort of impression of your evil ex you want to portray to the outside world and your children

Oh and before somebody jumps on me, the 'forced to work' applies to men who are physically capable of working, not those who are sick.

@Givenupno, I don't think your situation is very common. Do you? Yours sounds a worrying case, but it doesn't detract from the facts that many people (and mostly men) walk away from their financial responsibilities to their children.

The US scheme sounds great. And yes, treat it like any other debt, including CCJs. It seems so obvious. And yet...

[quote Soubriquet]@Givenupno

How about instead of prioritising what you want, you pay your CM instead of constantly taking her to court for access[/quote]
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If you ask my ex he will tell you he has a mad ex who spends all the CM on herself. He stopped paying it when he moved in with his new DP and told me "we dont see why we should give you money so you can go out getting pissed and shagging random men"
They've now fixed their finances in such a way that he doesn't have to pay me a penny but they have a new car, 2 motorbikes and all the latest games consoles. Meanwhile I've had to get a food bank referral.

Givupno, speaking as another feller - give it up now, you're just making more and more of a twat of yourself.

And start paying some fucking maintenance

Alternatively, stop electing misogynists.

Why didn't Labour sort it in their 13 years of power then???

It might have changed since she was involved, but the US system definitely didn't work for my friend a few years ago.

She took her ex-husband to court for non-payment of child support and as soon as the court ruled against him he would move to a different state and she'd have to start all over again.

They've got away with it for far too long! There are too many of us who have been let down by this system and something needs to change.

Why didn't Labour sort it in their 13 years of power then???

Also misogynist?

@DrivingMissHazy

Maintenance and contact should not be linked - it turns the children into something akin to a gym membership that you can cancel paying if you don't get the use out of it.

Both parents should have access and both should pay (excusing any exceptional circumstances where it would not be in the child's best interests) but one (maintenance) should not rely on the other (access).

I don’t see it like that. My view is that how can you be trusted to ensure the care of the child if you are happy to see them starve or inadequately dressed. Or you are happy for the RP to be working two jobs to adequately provide for your child. It’s hard to explain we’ll but I don’t think that someone who is not paying maintenance should be trusted to have the child's best interests at heart.

There is no way a woman would turn down £1,000 for zero when she splits from her ex just so she and look like a victim and go to food banks.

I don't believe that for a second.

Actually I side with @Givenupno, why should he stop fighting to have an equal part in his children's lives, especially if it is what the children want.
The mother in this case needs to be held responsible to some degree. I would want to see my children in his case.
If he wasn't fighting to see them, he'd get nowhere.

@thedancingbear

Givupno, speaking as another feller - give it up now, you're just making more and more of a twat of yourself.

And start paying some fucking maintenance

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The report states: will find themselves subject to the full extent of our enforcement powers - including prosecution through the courts."

Fake news.

There is no way a woman would turn down £1,000 for zero when she splits from her ex just so she and look like a victim and go to food banks

I don't believe that for a second

But she's mad remember...

The reality is that while of course it's not all men and of course there are some women, it is absolutely true that a disturbing percentage of NRP fathers choose not to pay maintenance and there's little that can be done.

Arguably - this means there are two issues: 1. Sexist/patriachal society in which men who don't think paying is necessary are not not considered the monsters other groups (single mothers, benefit users, murderers) are treated and 2. That CMS has no teeth.

Because while we can argue about men vs women at the end of the day, if the CMS system worked, it would protect all families where the NRP isn't paying.

But at the same time, we all know that the patriarchal system of ours means that getting CMS to work better, which would negatively impact more men, is probably not a priority....