To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

When I lived in London I was often asked where I'm really from. The answer was London, my parents are from Newcastle. It was a normal question because it is a diverse place. Now I've left London I get asked too. Less diverse here but my accent stands out. The only times it bothered me were when people didn't believe my answers and continued to ask because they expected me to say something else. Those were a minority of times though.

I actually prefer if people would just be open and say what's in their heads rather than being worried about offending if they ask. Then if they say something that makes me feel like they don't think I'm from here I can challenge it. Better out than in!

I'm Italian and often get spoken to in English or German if I go to touristy places in Italy (pale skin, blue eyes, and mousy hair). I always feel bad for disappointing younger staff that want to practise their English! (I'm nice and speak English if they want to)

Otoh I get asked where DS1 dad comes from in the UK but not in Italy (DC are Italian/Filipino), as he is a similar olive shade to lots of Italian kids.

I don't mind any of it though and happily chat about where the whole extended family come from.

I would hate to live in a world where we didn't interact outside our own "communities". That's segregation and I think segregation is a bad thing. Intentions matter and a lot of the time a question is simply about trying to get know someone. Yes there will always be some dicks but tarring everyone with a genuine curiousity as bad intentioned is not the kind of world I want to live in.

To be fair to the OP if the question is, is it a bit rude/awkward to ask about someone's origins a few msgs into a conversation, I think the answer is- it depends, but in an online dating context, if it appears they're pursuing you in the hope that you seem a bit exotic then perhaps it is a bit rude and you should swipe left/right/ whatever it is you do to get rid of them!

Yes there will always be some dicks but tarring everyone with a genuine curiousity as bad intentioned is not the kind of world I want to live in.

That sounds a bit like "not all men".

@CulturalDilemma

Yes there will always be some dicks but tarring everyone with a genuine curiousity as bad intentioned is not the kind of world I want to live in.

That sounds a bit like "not all men".

Firstly there is truth to "not all men" and secondly "not all men" is usually seen in conversations of rape and sexual violence which can be backed by up statistics. Are there statistics which show "where are you from?" is followed by a racially/xenophobic attack in the majority of cases? Until proved otherwise I will continue to take it with good grace, as a friendly question, unless/until the questioner shows malice or ill intent.

I've always assumed people mean what town do you live in? I've always responded with my town.

Apart from one time when I was at work where most of the staff were Polish, a customer asked where I am from, I said my town and he said no I mean you are from Poland aren't you ? I said no and he then decided I just look polish and assumed because the others were too.

Was funny actually because my grandmas father is polish so maybe I do look it!

I do think the issue is really the second question not the first.

Where are you from?
Manchester.
Oh really what brings you to Leeds?

or

Where are you from?
Manchester.
No, where are you really from (or any more subtle language than that that is really asking why are you brown)

In some circumstances it may be ok to ask a sensitive follow up (I have no idea how to word this, but someone up thread said her dh didn't mind talking about his cultural heritage if asked properly.)

Where are you from. How is that offensive. Its just a conversation starter.

@Yeahnahmum It isn't an offensive question on its own.

However, when they ask you several times with "Where are you really from", because the town that you live in, grew up in, born in isn't a good enough answer for them, it's because they want to talk about your ethnicity or some loose connection that an acquaintance has with a country that they think you are from, when in fact you have no affiliation with. It's othering and trying to put labels on you.

@xsquared.

Nah.. She was asked 'where are you from? ' not 'No. where are you really from?? '
And I get THAT question almost daily. And still, I don't find it offensive. People like to talk about where you are from and where your roots lie. I have so many conversations with people on a daily basis that I wouldn't have had if I didn't look the way I do or speak with the accent I do.

Not everything is offensive. And labeling?? Really? Well they might label me as 'interesting to talk to' then 😋

I find it tiring that everything nowadays is offensive, because it isn't. People DO take offense but it still doesn't mean it IS (meant) offensive.

I'd say just a conversation piece. I'm white, born and bred in London and lived here all my life apart from 5 years. I get asked.

*Eh? Are people this desperate to be offended?

I get asked and ask this all the time when I meet people*

Snap

Just to be clear - some people are offended by the question and I understand why they would be. But I didn’t say that I am, just that it’s awkward (I don’t know what kind of answer they are expecting) and a bit rude to ask so early on (3-4 messages - and just messages so no accent to pick up).

For example, I was speaking to someone and I asked ‘have you always lived in X place’ - I feel that’s okay. I’m not making an assumption they are from somewhere else - just an interest in their background.

Or ‘where are you based/ where do you live’ - I’m asking where their current location is.

Where are you from feels loaded to me because are they asking ‘have you always lived in x city’ or are they asking ‘what’s your ethnicity’ and I don’t know which they are asking.

And to further confirm the fetishising comment, I did respond to two men who asked that question with the factual answer ‘I’ve lived in x for y amount of years, but I come from Z (other UK town)’ and they both went quiet after that.

YABU - it may be an annoying question for you, because you get asked so often, but I don't see it as awkward, and people are only trying to make conversation.

[quote Yeahnahmum]@xsquared.

Nah.. She was asked 'where are you from? ' not 'No. where are you really from?? '
And I get THAT question almost daily. And still, I don't find it offensive. People like to talk about where you are from and where your roots lie. I have so many conversations with people on a daily basis that I wouldn't have had if I didn't look the way I do or speak with the accent I do.

Not everything is offensive. And labeling?? Really? Well they might label me as 'interesting to talk to' then 😋

I find it tiring that everything nowadays is offensive, because it isn't. People DO take offense but it still doesn't mean it IS (meant) offensive.[/quote]
Agree to all of this. There have been two (that I can remember) seperate times where my answer to "where are you really from?" was not believed, and that was annoying and I got a bit pissed off about it, but most people in my experience are coming from a genuine place of curiousity and wanting to learn more about a person's roots I think it's nice. It's how we get to know each other. The more we know about each other, the less we are "othered" imo.

I'm very dark - have an Indian great great grandma. Love my colouring but go v brown on one ray of sunshine. Sometimes I think people at work suspect me of idling and having an easy life as I have a suntan from about April to December. Am particularly self-conscious about it at the moment as I am WFH during lockdown. I have been working mega hard but look like I have been on a cruise round the Med. Realise this is a good problem to have but it is embarrassing, people commenting all the time I look like I've been lounging in the garden.

I ask where someone is from if I hear An accent never on their appearance...I would hate to think I was offending someone for asking

I get asked this a lot too and it makes me smile. I'm white, born and bred in South East London, tan well, dark hair and eyes and olive skin. My father was white, my mother Greek Cypriot and that's where I get my Mediterranean looks from.

It makes me really very proud when people ask where I'm from and I take great pleasure in telling them that I have Greek Cypriot heritage.

I noted from a previous post that someone said they were called all sorts of names when they were at school because of their dark features. Ditto to that and I was traumatised by it. Children can be so cruel can't they.

Yanbu, I'm white Cornish but with olive skin and dark features, the same as my mum was. It's a rude question. I even get the, 'No, where are you really from?' Cornwall, eejit

Well you can see it as friendly small talk and genuine curiosity about you as a person. Or, you can take umbrage

Your choice. One opens up possibilities the other shuts them down.

I'm nosy about where people grew up and can't tell people's accents apart so would ask this.

It's a pretty standard getting to know you question...

If you are from England then does that not constitute Western European 😂