To think this is a really awkward question

[TalkingToGhosts]

‘Where are you from?’

I’m dating. I get asked it an awful lot.

I’m a white, English born Brit but have dark features. I tan well and get mistaken for Western European quite often. I might be misconstruing the question and they mean ‘where are you based’ - but that’s right there on my profile so I don’t think it’s that.

I feel like I’m being fetishised a bit. Well not me specifically, but the thought that I look Spanish or Italian and that sounds exciting to them.

And I never know how to answer. I’m not ‘born and bred’ in one county as I’ve moved around a bit so it feels awkward to answer.

AIBU or is it a bit rude to ask that a few messages into a conversation?

@Greydove28 It isn't necessarily offensive to all! ☺️But bear in mind, that it is a question BAME people often have answer multiple times a day when interacting with others and it is often loaded with all sorts of meanings.

I have never kicked off with someone who has asked me this, and often you can tell when someone is it a bit funny with it, but I will often answer in this order when I am asked repeatedly 'County, Town, Village' until they either stop/realise what they are asking me has no bearing on our interaction/become obtuse enough to then try and delve into my family history OR eventually become bold/rude enough to ask me what they really want to know lol, which 9/10 is 'But why are you brown?'

I M white but get asked this all the time. People are curious because of my accent. It doesn't bother me.

[quote GalaxyGirl24]**@JaniceWebster* The problem there is that you think it is having an chip stuck on your shoulder' to point out a very real experience that many BAME people face daily. It is NOT a compliment to be asked where you are from repeatedly, and it's sad to see that @StamfordHill* you are unable to recognise that someone doesn't have to out and out say 'Go back to X country' to imply that you don't belong. I, as I am sure many other BAME people, have had experiences ranging from 'micro' (which your air quotes and use of the word snowflakes seems to imply you don't think it worthy of being upset over) to out and out extreme.

I find it funny that people often refer to others as 'snowflakes' when they recount experiences that make them feel uncomfortable and unfortunately it seems to be centred a lot on race/ethnicity. If a man slaps my bum, and someone says to me 'Oh well, it's just a compliment, it's not like he did anything worse' I would be shocked and I like to think in this day and age others would be too. But for some reason, when people say, 'A man asked me 6 times today where I was from, and didn't believe any of the answers I gave him' people would say 'Oh, it's just a compliment get on with it' despite it being an unecessary interaction because in reality - why do you need to know someone's ethnic origins in order to interact with them especially if they speak clear English?!

It is very tiring to have to repeatedly explain to people why you don't want to have to explain/shouldn't have to explain your ethnic origins to every Tom/Dick and Harry.

As I said earlier, I have never once had a person ask me that question and it be purely based on 'Oh you're from Yorkshire, lovely, how is it there?'. Like I said, it is always 'Oh but then, where are you actually from'/'Where were you born?'/'Where did your grandparents come from'.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, ASK YOURSELF, WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION? This isn't meant to be nasty, but genuinely stop and think to yourself, why do I have this burning curiosity to know why this person is brown/black? Why do I feel a right, as a total stranger, to have information on their family background? Does it enrich my experience with this person to know that they are Jamaican/Maltese/Pakistani (myself) - am I now going to ask them something inane/ridiculous such as 'Do you like Jerk Chicken?' Am I unable to continue interacting with someone that I don't know the ethnic origin of? Or can I interact with them as a human, as I would with my white/non BAME counterparts?

I wish someone would explain this to me, honestly, it's a two way street. I would love to know why people feel the desire/right to know this? Especially when it is clear that I am from England hence the regional accent.
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THIS! Thanks for articulating so clearly!

I can't say I agree. If someone from Yorkshire says they're from London I may follow up with 'have you always lived there?' - and the same with someone who looks like they originate from India for example. If they freely answer that question then it should be OK to proceed. If they answer they've always lived in London then I'm not so interested in their further background anyway but I may go on to talk about the part of London that they're from. But if they've lived in another place that's interesting and surely part of getting to know someone?

I'm confused by this thread and maybe it's because I can't relate.

I ask people where they're from all the time because I'm genuinely interested. My husband isn't white or from this country so it's not a race thing or a fetish?

It's certainly not a "you're not from around here so get out" thing and I would be VERY upset if people thought that of me.... maybe I shouldn't ask anymore?

I ask because I'm a people person and a traveller and love to hear about where people are from, what their culture is like and what sort of food they eat (big foodie).

This thread makes me feel really ick.

If people are still confused about the difference between asking "Where are you from?" to a non BAME person and "Where are you from?" followed by the dreaded "Where are you really from?" have a look at

I think the only way forward is for an approved list of questions we can ask others,clothes we can wear, words we can use, hairstyles we can have, thoughts we can have, who we can talk to, how many times we can breathe per second, things we can study, interests we can have.

If people are still confused about the difference between asking "Where are you from?" to a non BAME person and "Where are you from?" followed by the dreaded "Where are you really from?" have a look a

Has anyone on this thread said that asking "where are you really from" is ok?

@botedbored can you not appreciate the question can have different meanings to someone who is BAME to someone who isn't?

I think that's just a conversation starter, just so they know if your nearby i guess ,nothing personal 😊

@MiddlesexGirl I don't think anyone would really take offence at someone showing a genuine interest in where they are from, IF they are from somewhere else. It is the people who single you out because you are 'dark featured' as some have put it on here, or Black/Asian/Minority with the assumption that because you look the way you do you can't possibly be English.

@FelicisNox I am sure that not everyone who asks me 'Where are you from?' means it in a nasty way! (At least, I like to hope!) And I am sure that a lot of them have a curiosity. However it is the experience of being asked 'Where are you really from?' that wears you down and is frustrating. I am sure if you spoke to someone that had an accent, asked them about it and their home country, then fine, they may like that interest in them. But for those of us who are from the UK, born and raised, but happen to have brown or black skin, being asked repeatedly is not necessarily nice/complimentary or a fun conversation to have every single day. It can feel very intrusive. Maybe akin to asking someone with a visible disability to explain their disability every single day rather than them just being able to get on and interact with people. TO BE CLEAR, I am not saying that this is what you do at all.
But, also to be clear, people who are BAME have very different experiences to people who are white and maybe your husband has had some of those experiences? I certainly know that me and my husband (who is mixed Asian and White but looks olive toned/Mediterranean) do! And same for my parents where my dad is black and my mum is mixed Asian and Maltese, but again looks more Mediterranean.

@Lifeisgenerallyfun I am not sure whether this is a genuine comment or one that is just from a place of 'Gosh, can't say anything these days' - but no, this sort of list would be ridiculous.
No one is saying that you can't show an interest in someone, and no one is saying what you can or can't think. I have all sorts of thoughts about people but some of them are not appropriate to come out and say to a total stranger. Is it that much of a struggle for people to be aware of their own motives - and how different people have different experiences.

Example: How odd would it be if I went up to a blonde white person, started feeling and petting their hair without permission, and asking them where they were from but not accepting any answer they gave me. I guarantee you they wouldn't react anywhere near as reasonably as people would expect me to react! They would at best think me a complete fruit loop/a bit creepy, and at worst feel violated.

As someone who has immigrant parents & grew up in a very diverse part of London & Didn't actually have any friends who weren't 2nd generation until I went to uni, what is a British person supposed to look like?

@xsquared which question? Where are you from? or where are you really from?

@botedbored I agree, what DOES a British person look like? Being British is a nationality so you can look any way, just like you could be White but be from Jamaica - giving you Jamaican nationality!
However, a lot of people do still assume you aren't 'proper British' if you aren't white. No logic behind it at all.

Where are you from? is fine on its own but when a BAME person is asked this, it can be awkward because they don't know whether the other person just wants to know which town they live or whether they want to know about the country they think they are from.

For example, if dh (who is white) is asked this, he'll say the city we live in. If I am asked the same question and give the same reply, I get asked further questions because what they really want to know is my ethnic background.

I'd never ask where are you really from.
And I don't really get into 'are you British' questions unless the conversation really has gone in that direction.
As a point of interest, I'm guessing that in 2020 the majority of non-white people in this country are British, whereas 30 years ago this probably wasn't the case? That's a question really rather than a statement.

That was to @botedbored.

Having said that, I do agree what does a British person look like? But to some people, they do not immediately see me as British because I'm not white.

Where are you from? is fine on its own but when a BAME person is asked this, it can be awkward because they don't know whether the other person just wants to know which town they live or whether they want to know about the country they think they are from.

But I have the same problem. Where I live now is not where I'm from.

@GalaxyGirl24 - a bit like people walk up to pregnant women and start touching their bump, asking when it’s due, or people walk up to others asking why a child doesn’t have a sibling,there was someone on tv the other day asking someone when they were going to have kids. All not great, but nothing is meant by it,

Touching anyone without permission is not acceptable- people do it for all sorts of reasons, the aforementioned pregnancy bump, people’s muscles , I have long brown shines hair and have had people stroke It,

Whilst it’s undoubted that unfortunately racism exists it’s not helpful to confuse generic, inappropriate behaviour with racism, how you perceive something is entirely within your control, where no malice is intended it’s not objectively inappropriate behaviour. Different people will react to the same thing differently. Asking where someone is from is entirely normal behaviour.

To me a British person is someone just as likely to be from a mixed background as they are white because that's my experience from growing up in London where mixed heritage is not rare at all. Even if someone is white they could be from Poland, Romania, Ireland etc.

I get asked this when I meet new people and I ask them too, I have never asked 'where are you based?' I think they mean what town/area do you live in. If I asked someone where they were from and they went into a whole conversation about where their ancestors originated I would be really confused.

@xsquared I don't think the initial question is a problem, probing ones after yes.

But what if the question is coming from another BAME person, or someone who is BAME but doesn't look it, or someone who is white but wasn't born in the UK?

This is an extremely common question that people ask all the time when meeting or talking to someone new. Just because you live somewhere doesn't mean you're from there; it's very rare for people to stay in one place their whole life now!

For example, when I went to uni everyone asked you the same three questions; what's your name, where are you from, what course are you doing? It's a generic question asked out of curiosity.

I'm white British but people can't place my accent so I get asked this all the time. No offence is meant from it. It's just small talk and someone taking an interest.

‘Well, given a recent survey showed that many black and mixed race people do not consider themselves to be Bame and in fact consider it offensive I think it’s safe to say that either we just have to accept that some people may be ok with what you say and others won’t and act accordingly, or that we should never ask anyone anything ever because someone might be offended by it.

I ask people where they’re from all the time. But I ask based on accent not looks. I am visually impaired so I have no idea wether you’re black, white, darker, lighter, whether you have a tan whatever. But origins and cultures and other countries fascinate me. It’s nothing to do with being offensive or fetishising anyone, how ridiculous.