AIBU to make this financial plan with DP.

[Isthisfairornot]

So I have a house, 100K equity and one DC. I earn 40K.

DP does not have a house, no savings (debt in fact) no DC and earns 60K.

We want to buy a house together and share our loves. Obviously, for him, moving into a situation with a DC will result in him contributing towards higher costs (food, bills, house big enough for DC etc, he often buys things for DC etc). However, he cannot match my deposit.

Is it reasonable for me to put 50k into house (and keep £50k to spend on me and my DC) for holidays etc and out 50K deposit into our house. We would pay the same bills etc even though my DC will be living with us and pushing up costs and things like weekends away and holidays, we would split equally (I wouldn’t pay extra for DC).

Does this sound fair? I’m not at all concerned about him trying to take more of the deposit than he put in in the event of a split.

YABU - Our plan is awful and unfair to one of us.
YANBU - go ahead, this makes sense.

Thank you in advance.

Oh god OP I missed the bit that he doesn't have any money and actually just has debt. Please don't go into this without covering you and your dad financially, especially if you have a life limiting illness.

If he goes bankrupt his trustee in bankruptcy could make you sell the house. If he dies without a will his executor could make you sell the house. How the proceeds are split between you and the TiB/executor will depend on how you've documented the deposit and mortgage payments. Of course you don't want to think these things will happen but you need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Please get some legal advice!

doesn’t care what I do, he’s really laid back.

I bet he is cos he’s got you to fund him.

How old is your DC and who would look after your DC when you pass? Is there another parent around?

Is your DP just your DP, or is he also a bit of a stepdad?

Even if your DP doesn't run off with all your money, I worry what would happen if he was left to look after your DC and blew through all the money that was supposed to guarantee their future because he's not good with finances. Being able to manage money is important, especially if you're not balance out by someone who has those skills.

I think you need to start caring about the money a bit more and protecting your DC's future. To be blunt, if things don't work out, you don't have as much time as most other people to start again and rebuild income/savings - and if he's as good a man as you think he is, he will understand and respect that.

Sorry to rain on your parade a bit!

If you really want to do this OP what about buying the house tenants in common with either an uneven split to reflect your deposit or an even split but with a differing share of the mortgage. So if you buy a £200k house you use your £100k for your half, he takes a mortgage for £100k for his half. Or if the house is £400k, £100k deposit and you pay 1/3rd of mortgage he pays 2/3rds. You'd need to look at the details and protections of this so that your dc is covered as I'm no expert.

You could then use whatever you "save" in terms of paying the lower share of the mortgage to do your memory making and to put aside to ensure dc is cared for if you are that life limited that this is appropriate.

Personally I don't think a car loan so long as it isn't huge and is serviceable along side the mortgage is not a big deal.

He can be lovely to start with and still end up being a cocklodger.

Ok. So you say you’re going to die young. Forgive my tone, but what happens when you die? What happens to your DC?

How can he earn 60k a year and have no savings and debt! I wouldn’t be setting up house with him till he has cleared it and saved a deposit.

Mine doesn’t look great on paper either, he lost his job due to covid (has another now), very little in savings due to paying off a credit card he took out as a student. Car finance I personally wouldn’t lump together with normal debt.

Your boyfriend earns similar to mine, I already own a flat so he is living here. My agreement is that he pays for 1/3 of utilities, food and holidays, he’ll also pay half the council tax. I’m not taking rent off him (my choice, he’d rather pay it), if we go on to get married he’ll then go on the mortgage and then he can start paying towards the flat.

If we were buying together we would buy as tenants in common to reflect my higher financial input into the property.

I can imagine the scenario OP of why someone would have that salary and debt and can also imagine why you think this is a non-issue.

However

You need to take heed of the very good advice on here. Given what you've said about family dynamics and your healthy in particular you would be a fool to walk into this blindly without providing security for yourself and DC.

No one starts a relationship thinking it will go sour.

I highly doubt many women buy houses with partners thinking "I reckon they'll be a nightmare about this if we break up". And yet somehow, there are a million such nightmares.

Why do you want to buy jointly - so you can borrow against his income?

What is it that has meant he's not good with money? How will that change once you live there?

Would you go into business with your DP
If the answer is fuck no ... then don’t financially tie yourself to him without a water tight contract of what is yours and what you have contributed
And 100 percent get a will outlining exactly what you want to happen to your estate and assets

In your situation I would be planning for my DC’s future. You need to buy a house in just your name with the deposit and have it and any money pass to your DC in your will.

And of course he’s laid back it’s not costing him anything. I’m sure if he had to contribute he wouldn’t be as laid back .At the moment he’s on a pretty good deal and probably can’t believe his luck . People who are shit with money rarely change they just get better at hiding it or conning others to bail them out
It never ever fails to amaze me how really stupid some people are when it comes to money and love and how much they are willing to lose
It’s like a good orgasm takes away any bit of common sense they might have had 😂

Why cant he live in your current property and contribute to bill's?

I think you should put the money towards a house or some other sound financial prospect that will benefit your son.
If, as you say, you have a shirt life expectancy, surely his future security is your main priority?
I would be dating/sharing holidays etc with the guy but I wouldn't combine finances.

You have a child and a behaving very foolishly. you should be doing everything to ensure your son benefits 100% as your dp isnt bringing much financially to the situation.

Surely the only thing that you should be concerned about is protecting your DC financially for the future.
You’re effectively looking at setting Mr Shit-with-Money up to fund his future family in the event that you’re not there.
What kind of legacy is that for your DC. You need to be taking much better advice OP.

I can’t understand choosing to blow half your equity when you know you will die and leave a child behind. Surely you want as much equity as possible to be able to leave some financial support for your child?
Can you buy the house in your sole name, given he can’t contribute deposit?
What will happen to your dc when you die?

Exactly how young are you going to die and does your partner know this? If I were you i would do what you originally. 50k down ringfenced, 20k in a savings account for dc and 30k go wild and enjoy the years you have left making memories.
If all he has is a car debt its not really as bad as people are making out. Many well off people still have debt. I would want to see his credit history though to check its not far worse than hes tellinh you.

Morning all. Thanks for these responses, I’m working through them now. Just to answer the questions about my DC. My ex-h would have custody of her, he is financially secure and excellent with money. I’m was thinking I’d use the 50k I take to increase the money into her future investment (there’s lots in there already) and I’ll write a will leaving everything to her too. Does that sound ok?

@Isthisfairornot Does your ex own his own home, and is it big enough for your DC to move into, or would he really need to move if she were to live with him full-time?

How do you plan on owning this property you intend to buy with your partner - joint tenants (everything to him) or tenants in common (a % that can be passed onto your DC)?

A husband can contest a Will if he his not left ''provided for'' by wife. As in the case of actor Nigel Havers whose second wife died leaving her house to her 2 sons by her previous marriage. Havers contested the Will and got the house. The sons got nothing. Havers then went on to marry a very, very wealthy woman few years later. Also marriage cancels out a Will made before it.

My ex owns his own home and yes, she had her own room etc.

I guess tenants in common, but wouldn’t that happen naturally if we’re not married and I die? Will the mortgage advisor suggest a solicitor when we speak to them or will we need to see a solicitor separately?

I would buy a house with him, a car debt is not that unusual or worrying imo.
I wouldn’t marry him and I would protect your deposit legally, so if things didn’t work out and the house is sold you take your deposit back before any additional equity is split. I’d also ensure a water tight will for when you pass- and I wouldn’t marry him!