AIBU to make this financial plan with DP.

[Isthisfairornot]

So I have a house, 100K equity and one DC. I earn 40K.

DP does not have a house, no savings (debt in fact) no DC and earns 60K.

We want to buy a house together and share our loves. Obviously, for him, moving into a situation with a DC will result in him contributing towards higher costs (food, bills, house big enough for DC etc, he often buys things for DC etc). However, he cannot match my deposit.

Is it reasonable for me to put 50k into house (and keep £50k to spend on me and my DC) for holidays etc and out 50K deposit into our house. We would pay the same bills etc even though my DC will be living with us and pushing up costs and things like weekends away and holidays, we would split equally (I wouldn’t pay extra for DC).

Does this sound fair? I’m not at all concerned about him trying to take more of the deposit than he put in in the event of a split.

YABU - Our plan is awful and unfair to one of us.
YANBU - go ahead, this makes sense.

Thank you in advance.

[Techway]

You have to ring fence as in a split you have no legal basis. The nice guy who you trust will change and your child will have lost £100k. Trust people on this..I went through it and couldn't believe how Ex wanted to ignore my financial contribution.

Most people have saved money during lockdown so his spending is even more concerning since he knows that buying a house is on the cards. Will you be funding all the buying costs? Is he completely undisciplined enough to save a few thousand pounds towards the buying costs.

Overspending isn't trivial, it often conceals an attitude which is hard to change. You seem to find it endearing NOW but if you hit financial troubles would he be able to rein in his spending? I doubt it.

We are heading into economic uncertainty and you are planning to increase debt with someone who hasn't ever been able to practice financial discipline.

How long have you been together. You have to take off rose tinted glasses, be hard nosed and test if he can be disciplined enough before jointly getting into debt with him.
I think your plan for 50k spending spree is not sensible. By all means have plans but fund them properly. £100k p.a plus CMS should afford a good lifestyle

[StopGo]

Can he even get a mortgage? You seem hell bent on jeopardising yours and DC security the least you can do is speak to a solicitor before doing anything.

What happens is after your death he refuses to move out and allow the sale of the house? He could argue that you meant him to have the benefit of the house until his death.

[Happynow001]

OP you really need to see a solicitor of your own to discuss the issue of your will, a Deed of Trust and anything else which you will need to ring-fence your finances to provide for your daughter's future.

I can't see if you are planning on marrying your partner, but getting professional legal advice is even more important then. Please don't underestimate the need for this.
However much your DP is a lovely person or you care about and love him your DP has so far proved to be terrible at managing his finances. Why would you think he'd be different in the future?

Have you discussed any of this with your DC's father? I'm not saying you should - just asking if he's aware of your situation.

I'm sorry you won't have a long life @Isthisfairornot - I truly am and I think it's great you want to enjoy the life you do have. But please see a professional to protect your child. Trust but verify.

Warmest wishes.🌈

[Serendipity79]

Please be careful. When I met my ex I owned a house, I was a high earner. I sold my house and bought a bigger one with him and paid the entire deposit. Admittedly I stupidly married him as well. He paid for stuff like mobile phones and our car PCP, but I always paid the mortgage and bills. After we moved into the new house his personal spending went through the roof, he was constantly needing money from me despite earning £35k himself and I am now fighting him through the courts, at significant cost to myself in order to keep my home. I have four children, two of them his and he hasn't seen them in two years and is happy to see them on the streets so he can get what he is "entitled to".

And no - I never thought he would do this to me, as when I met him he was a lovely, kind, generous laid back man who didn't seem concerned about money at all.

[00100001]

Ok, so you spoil her. Great. She has memories.

Then you die.

How old will she be?

Where will she live?

Will DP be expected to care for her? Or will she she be put with her father?

What happens to the house? DP refuses to move out and sell to release the money?

Or it's great, you blow £50k making memories, in three years the money runs out, novelty wears off, you're supporting DD and DP whilst terminally ill. dP has had enough. Leaves. Owning 50% of the house he hasn't contributed towards.

You die. This ex has a claim on your child's inheritance.



THINK IT THROUGH PROPERLY!

[Happynow001]

OP you really need to see a solicitor of your own to discuss the issue of your will, a Deed of Trust and anything else which you will need to ring-fence your finances to provide for your daughter's future.

I can't see if you are planning on marrying your partner, but getting professional legal advice is even more important then. Please don't underestimate the need for this.
However much your DP is a lovely person or you care about and love him your DP has so far proved to be terrible at managing his finances. Why would you think he'd be different in the future?

Have you discussed any of this with your DC's father? I'm not saying you should - just asking if he's aware of your situation.

I'm sorry you won't have a long life @Isthisfairornot - I truly am and I think it's great you want to enjoy the life you do have. But please see a professional to protect your child. Trust but verify.

Warmest wishes.🌈

[Sidalee7]

OMG please don’t do it!
Ex and I were terrible with money even though he was a high earner. I now earn a fraction of our combined income but am so much more sorted now I have worked out how to live within means.
Also I don’t buy the whole spending more because of DC. They don’t really add anything to the bills. Sounds a huge red flag.

[AngelaScandal]

Just to add - don’t assume that well off/secure ex H wil always be so. He might also re-marry and have a few more kids. Don’t assume that DD security will come from him. Make the best provision you can for he me now. It would be reckless to do otherwise.

[timeisnotaline]

I guess if you know she is provided for (& I’m very glad for your and her sake that you don’t have to worry about it) that I can understand wanting to make some memories. But you don’t need £50k of memories, so investing some or leaving it in the house would make sense. Think of some major ‘memory ideas’ And do a cost for them, that will give you an idea. One long holiday is not what she wants really; id think it’s more about drawing together and reading stories and trips out to a national heritage property and stopping for McDonalds when you’re late home.
With the house if jointly owned It’s common to leave it to children but say your partner Can live in it while he’s alive. As you will be so young I don’t think this is a good idea; your partner should be given a grace period and then he will have to move and it be sold (unless your ex wants to take on mortgage of course). So id discuss with your partner a suitable grace period he was ok with.

[Enchantmentz]

Car loan debt wouldn't concern me but the excessive spending would. It is good he prioritises bills but not saving or having any contingency plans is a worry as naturally you would feel obliged to step in. What is the benefit of buying together op? If it is to symbolise your partnership progress more than anything else then I wouldn't do it.

He needs to save and adjust his spending habits.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

FFS how is he spending all his money now? He should be saving it towards the house. He’s a feckless cocklodger. You can’t rely on your ex being the only funding for your daughter.
And you’re “prepared to be flamed”? So you should be! You’re as reckless as he is.

[Rainycloudyday]

You’re either insane or spectacularly naive, I’m not sure which. Get some proper financial advice, from a professional and not randoms on the internet. You need to be taking this far more seriously and prioritising protecting and maximising your child’s long-term position. Your plan sounds bonkers to me, sorry.

[Happynow001]

@Isthisfairornot
You can use the Law Society website to find a solicitor. Just plug in what you want to discuss in the online template and your postcode.
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

If I were you I'd talk you a solicitor on your own first to outline what you wanted to happen but also get advice.

You can either get recommendations from friends of IFA's or go online

[Happynow001]

Sorry posted too soon.

Or check here for independent financial advisers.

www.fca.org.uk/consumers/types-investment-adviser

[TheWernethWife]

All this talk of "making memories" is all well and good but your child would be a lot better with cold hard cash. Tie the money up in a trust. My friend died when her child was 12, now 15 years later, they can't remember any of the lovely holidays they went on.

[AwkwardPaws27]

Do you really need to move house?

If it's more about releasing equity to enjoy holidays etc with your DC, could you borrow some extra against the house to do this?

Your DP can continue to live with you, paying an equal share of bills, plus his share if he joins you on any of the holidays etc. I understand not wanting him to contribute to your mortgage as you want to protect your investment for DC but he could pay 50% of everything else.

If he has managed to clear his debt and save a deposit in a couple of years, you could revisit buying a place together.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

I dont get this. You earn less, but aren't you getting some CM which will help with extra costs of your DC?

I would seriously consider putting in whole deposit but protecting it. Not just for yourself, but for your child, especially if you know you are likely to die young. You may find your condition means you struggle for things like mortgage insurance at a decent price.

[Techway]

@Serendipity79, exactly the same. I was higher earner, lots of equity. Mr charming, reliable and I trusted him until we joined assets and he switched. He started to earn really well and despite that fought to give me enough to house the children. His offer would have meant living in a dire area in a house without bedrooms for our children. He meanwhile bought boats, cars, motorbike and expensive house. Thankfully the courts did address his ridiculous claims but I lost money because I was generous from the outset. Women with children have to be hard nosed when it comes to finances.

[Dishwashersaurous]

On the child benefit point- it’s if one individual earns over 60k then no child benefit.

Two people can both earn 50k, so 100k in total and keep it all.

[billy1966]

The greatest gift you could give your child after you are gone is a great education that she won't have to worry about.

You have no idea of your ex husbands future, and what it may hold.

University is expensive.
Wouldn't the chance of that be a superb gift in your memory.

Not to some idiot who has a shopping habit.

[TootingBECkons]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers No, CB is worked out on the basis of one parent’s earning, and reduces from £50k, stopping at £60k.

As a pp said, 2 parents can each earn £49,999 and CB be unaffected.

Not sure whether it applies to parents, resident and non-resident, and / or a non married partner if the parent who lives in the household.

Perhaps @Isthisfairornot already has this issue covered.

[altiara]

OP do you need to move house or it that just so DP can get on the housing ladder?
If it were me, I’d stay where you are and save for holidays or do some equity release, but keep the house for your DC.
If your DP really wants to get on the housing ladder he would be saving for it. He could save a deposit for an investment property. Might not make him any money but would be something. The fact that he’s not saving anything would show to me he’s not bothered and I definitely wouldn’t be buying property with him. Car debt I wouldn’t be worried about but the fact he’s not even attempting to try and save money is worrying.
Also, if it were me I wouldn’t want him to have a lifetime interest in the property, I’d want to be able to sell it and keep the money for DC.
If you do have a shorter life expectancy, the last thing I’d want my DC to have is legal issues around money. And just because their dad is ok at the moment doesn’t mean anything for 5 years time.

[Isthisfairornot]

Hi all, I just wanted to pop back and update you all. After advice on this thread, I’ve decided not to put move forward with him financially and keep things separate to a certain extent.

I’m going to get a mortgage in my name specifically. He’s going to stay and keep contributing to costs etc.

He’s going to buy separately (I’m going to give him a 10k deposit - I know!) and we’re going to write that into a solicitors agreement.

Hopefully he’ll be able to evidence commitment to stability and mortgage, make a dent in payments and we’ll be able to review in the future.

Happy for the new plan to be critiqued

Thanks for your advice, very much appreciated

[Isthisfairornot]

Sorry, should’ve added. He’s going to rent out the place he buys.

[teaflake]

Isn't there some rule that the deposit money has to be an absolute gift to the person taking out the mortgage, and not a loan?