AIBU to make this financial plan with DP.

[Isthisfairornot]

So I have a house, 100K equity and one DC. I earn 40K.

DP does not have a house, no savings (debt in fact) no DC and earns 60K.

We want to buy a house together and share our loves. Obviously, for him, moving into a situation with a DC will result in him contributing towards higher costs (food, bills, house big enough for DC etc, he often buys things for DC etc). However, he cannot match my deposit.

Is it reasonable for me to put 50k into house (and keep £50k to spend on me and my DC) for holidays etc and out 50K deposit into our house. We would pay the same bills etc even though my DC will be living with us and pushing up costs and things like weekends away and holidays, we would split equally (I wouldn’t pay extra for DC).

Does this sound fair? I’m not at all concerned about him trying to take more of the deposit than he put in in the event of a split.

YABU - Our plan is awful and unfair to one of us.
YANBU - go ahead, this makes sense.

Thank you in advance.

[Isthisfairornot]

This is really useful reading. Thanks all.

[Pugsrus]

Buy your house alone ,and leave it to your dc in your will

[thethoughtfox]

If he is bad with his own money, he will be worse with yours.

[thethoughtfox]

Don't you want the house and your assets to go to your child?

[LakieLady]

I'd want to put £100k deposit down to enable us to buy a better house, but get it ring fenced so you keep it (as a %, not £) incase you split

This, absolutely. And don't marry him - I had to give my ex almost £100k on divorce, even though I had built up 16 years worth of equity in my home before I met him.

Do what you like with any equity that doesn't go into the home and split the living expenses 50:50 or proportionate to your income.

[HollowTalk]

@Proudboomer

Why can’t he just move into the house you own now and pay a percentage of food and utilities?
The money he is saving in rent could then be used to pay off his debt and save until he can afford his share of the deposit.

No way! So he should live rent free while the OP, on far less money and with a child, pays the mortgage?

[billy1966]

OP,

He is laid back because he has nothing to lose.

He has spotted the MUG on your kind forehead and has settled in for the comfy ride.

Why are you so keen to hand over your assets to a man that hasn't anything but debt.

It reads as if you are a desperate woman trying to but him.
Apologies if that is harsh,but you are trying to come up with a good deal for him.

Have you lived with him before?

Keep your flat.
Let him move in an pay rent to you.

See how that goes.
Let him clear his dept and concentrate on saving a deposit.

If he's not prepared to bother attempting these things...he's nothing but a sponger.

All your assets should be for your daughter, not some fly by night that is oh so laid ba k about all his debt.

He can't believe his luck is probably closer to the truth.

Mind yourself

[Isthisfairornot]

I do want it all to go to her, of course. I think though, halving my costs and releasing equity will mean that I can spoil her and make memories with her now and my share of the house with my DP (which will be larger in the long-term), will also go to her as DP and I are not married. Completely prepared to be flamed though

[ComeBy]

Speak to a solicitor on your own.

Do not get married and buy as Tenants in Common.
No, it doesn’t happen automatically because as an unmarried couple there are two ways to buy together : Joint Tenants where you are considered to be an ownership unit with no distinct individual ownership and the property passed to the survivor on death, and Tenants in Common where you each buy a proportion of the property. You can have a deed of covenant drawn up which ring fences the value of your deposit and names it as yours and then states what proportion of the house you own after repayment of that. So in the event of sale, split or death, your deposit would be returned to your estate, and then, say, 50% of the remaining equity.

Personally I would say that your deposit should be repaid pro rata to the value at time of sale, too, to maintain its value.

Unless your mortgage is truly vast you have enough combined income to live a good life without blowing £50k cash on holidays etc.

And save into a pension: I realise to need to be realistic about your health condition, and well done for facing up to that. But I am thinking of a generation of people with HIV who raced through their savings and assets on expensive bucket lists.... and the HZT was invented, my aunt who lives actively on a daily chemo dose at 90, and my uncle who lived til 94 following a heart bypass.

A pension is incredibly tax efficient, the Gvt give you 20% on top of what you put in, bd you should make sure your Dd is named as beneficiary. A pension is passed to your survivors.

But. Do you know HOW he spends his money and ended up in debt and with no mortgage when he is in £60k? How and why will his spending be different just because he is living with you? Are you considering spending £50k of your equity so that you can keep pace with a spending level that is not sustainable for either of you?

This is a suggestion:
Have a joint bank account for joint household expenses: council tax, bills, insurance, mortgage, food, boiler repairs. Each pay a standing order that goes into that account the day after your pay day. Keep the rest of your money in your own account.

Don’t do the thing where one partner pays good and the other bills.., and don’t put all your monies into one account.

[QueenoftheIceAge]

Get a will written that includes the possibilities that your DP will re-marry or find a new partner and have children after you die, and will leave his share to them. Never assume that his share will go to your child, no matter what he agrees to while you’re still here.

Also don’t assume that he will ever want to move out after you die - I have seen it before (as an estate agent) where a partner was allowed to stay in a house as long as they wanted to - the daughter that inherited it didn’t get possession until she was in her seventies, by which time it was practically derelict as he had done no repairs because he didn’t own it.

[Isthisfairornot]

Sorry, I should say we have been living together. He definitely pays his way, but he wastes money all the time. Before lockdown he wasted money on his hobby, hotels for us etc and since lockdown he’s been wasting by constantly ordering clothes, expensive tat, a bike etc. It is ridiculous but he makes sure he can pay the bills first.

[Winter2020]

Hi
I agree that you need to hold a new property as tenants in common so you can will your half to your child (joint tenants and it automatically goes to the other person). You will need to consider if you want your partner to have the right to reside in it for life. Will he leave his half to you? Or someone else? Will you have the right to reside or need to sell up if he dies to pay out his will?

You should secure your 100k deposit so that you get it back in the event of a split plus 50% of any further equity built up.You’re comment “you’re not concerned about him trying to take deposit in the event of a split” concerns me. This needs to be legally secured not rely on his good nature. Your child’s security/ inheritance depends on it. It could be that you are hit by a bus and are not around to remind him of your greater deposit. Or you are both killed together and his next of kin (which if you aren’t married won’t automatically be you) want 50%.

I would put the entire 100k into the house as if you put 50k (and spend 50) will this be enough to rehouse you and your child if you were to split up in the next couple of years?

If you live as a family splitting most costs equally or budgeting jointly there should be plenty of money to have fun and make memories. If you burn through your 50k (which might not take long - 10k Florida holiday anyone?) you have less security to leave for your children. And when the money is gone what then? Do you think they will benefit more from potentially support with driving (opening up further job opportunities), university and house deposits or lavish holidays and shopping trips? Your household income will allow a good lifestyle.

Your OP post assumes your partners costs are lower but I would say the fact he has no savings on 60K and you have savings on 40k proves his costs are in fact higher. He earns more and he spends more.

You need to consider your family finances beyond your current earnings. He could lose his job tomorrow as could you. He could become ill and unable to work tomorrow, as could you. Would you be able and willing to support him? Would he be able and willing to support you? If your children go to university your parental contribution is calculated by household income i.e. 100k nit 40k and you may not be able to afford it alone.

Do you think you might have further children with your new partner. Do you think this might alter your financial planning.

Do you have a pension. Make sure you leave the nomination to who you want - your children? Or your partner? Remember that a marriage could invalidate a will or nomination and they would then need to be updated.

I would say it is almost impossible to be exactly ‘fair” in your blended family so you just have to talk it out and be happy you have a good plan in a complex situation. For example you might choose to agree that in ten years time if he remains the higher earner and family money is pooled you remove your deed of trust and own the house 50:50 as he has contributed more to the day to day pot. It’s up to the two of you to decide what works for you.

[Chocolatebrownielove]

Think your DP has won a watch here. He's bringing in more than £3k a month yet doesn't have a penny to his name. Meets you, you fund a house purchase in his name with holidays thrown in as well and he keeps going as he has been without any hard work or effort at all. Wouldn't be me.

I'd buy the house alone and have him move in, pay towards bills etc. If you're not going to protect your own financial future then think about your DC.

[ComeBy]

P.S NB: the standing order the day of pay day is important: it has to go into the sacrosanct bills and mortgage account before any other spending starts! And don’t muddy the waters, if you make sure you don’t use that account for a skateboard for Dd, he will know it is not OK to use it to buy a new electronic gadget for his personal use once he has burned through the rest of his income!

[EasynowPatrick]

When you say your dc has plenty in investments and your ex is secure, how much? Will she have enough to have a more than comfortable start to adult life. Will your ex be able to afford to have time off to care for a grieving child? Surely those things are more important than ‘making memories’ . Obviously don’t live an unnecessarily frugal life to achieve this but her financial security should be the key deciding factor here. Most memories adults have of their childhood are very small moments of joy or pretty mundane things not things that have been manufactured.

[Nottherealslimshady]

I'd put 100k in and get it ring fenced so you get it back if you split. You'll find that 50k just getting blown on all sorts of junk by him aswell. You need to protect your childs interests and 100k is important for him.

[Goinghometocallie]

Any man earning 60k who begrudges paying half in case he ends up paying more to take a kid of holiday is a total no go for me.

[ComeBy]

Yes, think carefully about the right to reside in your will. If your share belongs to your Dd but he has a lifetime interest and lives in the house til he is 90....

I would say 2 years, maybe.

[ComeBy]

If you are in a household with someone earning £60k, will you lose Child Benefit?

[PAND0RA]

If you are good with money and he’s not, this won’t end well.

By all means live together if you want but don’t have any financial or legal ties.

[FrugiFan]

My best friend bought a house with her boyfriend and she contributed a big chunk of the deposit as she had an inheritance (I dont know how much exactly but at least 20k).

They had been together 10 years and he was a nice guy so she didnt feel the need to ring fence her deposit contribution.

2 years later he decided he wanted to split up and she is now trying to maneuver getting her deposit back or buying him out of the house and he is being very difficult about it.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

I can’t believe you would even contemplate this when you have a child and a prospective shortened life span! Of course he’s happy with this-he’s going to live in a lovely house, mainly paid for by you and then will get to share your extra £50k of special memories!

You’re absolutely mad and quite negligent to not be planning for and protecting your daughters future.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

If you are in a household with someone earning £60k, will you lose Child Benefit? my understanding was she will if the household income is over 100k - him earning 60k in itself doesn’t lose OP her benefit if she earns under 50k (between 50-60k it’s proportionally paid back)

[Hazelnutlatteplease]

Are you going to marry him?

If you are not the money is safe in the house as long as you talk to a solicitor and get it sorted properly.

If you are going to marry him you might as well just hand him half the money now.

Marriage does not protect the wealthier individual

[Apple1029]

I can’t believe you would even contemplate this when you have a child and a prospective shortened life span!

Exactly! shes clearly thinking about her dp first before her child's future.
As if he would just move out and sell his share should her daughter need it.