Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make this financial plan with DP.

149 replies

Isthisfairornot · 23/06/2020 19:04

So I have a house, 100K equity and one DC. I earn 40K.

DP does not have a house, no savings (debt in fact) no DC and earns 60K.

We want to buy a house together and share our loves. Obviously, for him, moving into a situation with a DC will result in him contributing towards higher costs (food, bills, house big enough for DC etc, he often buys things for DC etc). However, he cannot match my deposit.

Is it reasonable for me to put 50k into house (and keep £50k to spend on me and my DC) for holidays etc and out 50K deposit into our house. We would pay the same bills etc even though my DC will be living with us and pushing up costs and things like weekends away and holidays, we would split equally (I wouldn’t pay extra for DC).

Does this sound fair? I’m not at all concerned about him trying to take more of the deposit than he put in in the event of a split.

YABU - Our plan is awful and unfair to one of us.
YANBU - go ahead, this makes sense.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/06/2020 19:32

How long will it take him to pay the car off?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 23/06/2020 19:32

@Isthisfairornot He is genuinely not a financial risk though. I’m not concerned.

Do you think that the thousands of women who get completely financially shafted by men thought they were taking a risk, or do you think they weren't concerned?

In the nicest possible way, you'd be a fool to do this, and you'd massively jeopardize your child's future security, especially if you think you might not be around longterm.

Original poster
Isthisfairornot · 23/06/2020 19:32

So until recently, I was also earning 70k+ a year and only have around 12k in savings (I don’t have debt though.. well a bit on a credit card). I’m not great with money either, but I made good property decisions early on whereas he didn’t.

OP posts:
00100001 · 23/06/2020 19:34

Ok.

So where does his money currently go?

How is he going to afford to spend more?

R2519 · 23/06/2020 19:34

OP, you say you're not concerned but Can you explain why he has debt? Is it a previous marriage? Did he lost money in investments or is he a bad spender?

60k is a very good salary and You would have to really spend way above your means to blow through that each month but there maybe a genuine explanation.....why does he have debt?

Proudboomer · 23/06/2020 19:34

Why can’t he just move into the house you own now and pay a percentage of food and utilities?
The money he is saving in rent could then be used to pay off his debt and save until he can afford his share of the deposit.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 23/06/2020 19:36

Erm if you are expecting to pass away at a younger age, would you not be best organising some savings for a house deposit etc for your dc?

I’d be concerned about any potential inheritance of theirs being at risk or locked in a property where your DP was still living.

LuxLuxLux84 · 23/06/2020 19:36

Buy the house and jet him live in it. Put it into a Trust or similar for your DC. You can’t rely on his good nature and honesty as people behave differently when a relationship sours and money is involved. You need to protect the financial future of your DC.

00100001 · 23/06/2020 19:36

Does he live with you now?

R2519 · 23/06/2020 19:37

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow
As a guy I have to agree with you.....men are bastards in general and women unfortunately do get shafted. Unfortunately it does seem like OP could be heading towards that direction, or at least lose her assets to pass onto her son unless she locks it up tightly for him.

Bridecilla · 23/06/2020 19:38

What will happen to your dc if / when you die? Is the father around or will DP bring him up?

My dp was laid back- decent salary and a bit of debt. He had no kids, no ties so had splashed on living / travelling etc. Now we have dc he's grounded so I'd not rule him out just because he's got no cash saved

Bananalanacake · 23/06/2020 19:38

Keep your money to yourself. Can't he rent somewhere closer to you so you can see each other. Is he paying off his debt with his monthly salary.

MollyButton · 23/06/2020 19:38

I'd suggest you get some good financial advice, and make sure your DC's future is protected. Can you get life cover (ask a financial advisor)? You certainly need proper legal advice to protect your child, and ensure they get a fair share if you die earlier than you expect. Do you have proper guardian's set up?
If you have a life limiting condition, will you need help as it goes on?

And you do also have to factor in the "risk" that you live a lot longer than you expect. (My Grandmother had various health conditions and for most of her life smoked like a trooper, but lived into her 80s).

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 23/06/2020 19:39

I’m not at all concerned about him trying to take more of the deposit than he put in in the event of a split.

Are you not worried because you don't care about the money, or because you don't think he will try and screw you over?

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/06/2020 19:42

It doesn't matter if he's a king amongst men. It doesn't matter if you think he'd never rip you off. It doesn't matter if he's sworn on his mother's life that he won't want half the house if you split. It doesn't matter if you feel this is for life so no point in thinking about what would happen if you split. You ring fence your investment! Anything else is financally naive.

Do some reading on mn. There are hundreds of woman's stories which all follow the "I never thought he would do this to me" line. Thousands probably!

He's bad with money - you know this. He's in debt - you know that. But you are willing to gamble your financial secure because he's nice and loving? Do you know why he's bad with money, where his large salary actually vsnishes to? But you're willing to invest your money in house he will have half claim to. That is romantic optimism talking, not financial common sense.

MummytoCSJH · 23/06/2020 19:43

Just buy the house on your own and he can live with you? Paying his half of the bills as rent to you so he has no financial interest in the property.

KilljoysDutch · 23/06/2020 19:46

Hey OP money isn't everything in the relationship don't worry too much about that. Your happiness should absolutely come first and if you're secure and happy in this relationship that should count for a lot. Frankly with your expected early expiry I'd spend the 50k on Holidays and memories.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 23/06/2020 19:48

Here is what happened to my mum and dad. They met, my mum sold her flat, dad didn't have a house. My mum put all the equity from her flat (a fair amount for the time) down as a deposit for a shared house with my dad, he had no deposit. They moved house 2 after that, mortgage paid off around 10 years ago. My mum also has a private pension, my dad doesn't.
Fast forward to last year they split, very traumatic. My mum felt as though she could never go back to her home because he had basically been mentally and emotionally abusing her. She ended up having to move in with me for 6 months, now lives in a council house that she has to pay rent on. When they finally get round to a divorce my mum will probably end up owing my dad money because he is entitled to a certain proportion of her pension, which will likely cancel out her share of the house, and she may end up owing him money. She is going to have to try and dig up proof that she paid the whole deposit on their first house out of her own pocket, but that could be difficult.
Be careful OP, marriage doesn't always cover you if you are the one with more assets.

Whitepriv · 23/06/2020 19:49

Hey @Isthisfairornot I would suggest just putting your respective deposits in, and have both of your deposits protected with a deed of trust (Costs about £500 if I remember correctly) and protects both of you 👍

Davincitoad · 23/06/2020 19:51

Why are you even asking you seem to think he is too amazing to do anything wrong?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 23/06/2020 19:51

Is there a thing called tenants in common, or something like that, so that in the event of a split you keep your original investments and then go 50/50 (or whatever's agreed) on the rest of the equity? I would have thought you would want to protect your DC's financial security, especially if you believe you will have a shorter life?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/06/2020 19:51

@Whitepriv

Hey @Isthisfairornot I would suggest just putting your respective deposits in, and have both of your deposits protected with a deed of trust (Costs about £500 if I remember correctly) and protects both of you 👍Confronting

Her boyfriend has no deposit. He has nothing except debt.

SantaMonicaPier · 23/06/2020 19:52

Personally I would put the whole 100k down as a deposit, buy the house in my sole name them split the mortgage and bills 50/50, on basis that he must be paying rent somewhere now or would need without you finding the property deposit

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 23/06/2020 19:53

Hey OP money isn't everything in the relationship don't worry too much about that.

It may not be everything in the relationship, but it becomes a big deal if the relationship breaks down.

PicaK · 23/06/2020 19:57

The most important thing to do is protect your child. Even if he's as lovely as you say there could be some random situation in the future where he's sued and they go for his share of the house.
IFA for your kid's sake.

Swipe left for the next trending thread