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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I have spoilt my baby?

64 replies

Secretlifeofme · 22/06/2020 13:12

My baby girl is 8 months old today. She's lovely, smiley and gorgeous and was much wanted after several years of trying and three miscarriages. But I'm worried that I have done all the wrong things with her Blush
She feeds to sleep for naps and at night
She will only nap in my arms
She co-sleeps in our bed next to me
She wakes up at least 3 times a night and I feed her back to sleep
She is pretty clingy and will only play alone for about 10 minutes before she wants to be picked up or engaged with

I am worried that I've spoilt her and that she will be really needy forever now Sad does anyone have any advice? I would like her to be able to play independently and to sleep independently too... How do you even sleep train a co-sleeping baby?

OP posts:
Bananacloud · 22/06/2020 13:14

Stop worrying and enjoy your baby Smile

teaflake · 22/06/2020 13:14

You can't spoil a baby imo.

Bananacloud · 22/06/2020 13:16

But if it’s getting too much then I’ll pass on some rather wise advice from the sleep consultant I hired for my twin girls. Give baby protein for dinner time. That should fill her up more and she should be content till morning.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 22/06/2020 13:17

Ime once she is mobile you will miss her!! Dd crawled and never looked back to sitting on my knees.!!
And she slept all night the first week she crawled - 8 months.
Big changes ahead op. Enjoy your baby!!

emodi · 22/06/2020 13:17

I did all of these and I never had any issues . I think that when you do attachment parenting the kids actually come out less clingy and dependent because they know they don’t need to scream for attention . Believe in the process it’s the best way

AlmostAlwyn · 22/06/2020 13:19

You're not spoiling your baby! You're creating a secure attachment and when she's ready, she'll be off without looking back because she knows you'll be right there when she needs you. Try to enjoy the here and now because it'll happen sooner than you know! Smile

Colom · 22/06/2020 13:20

You haven't "spoilt" her per se but you will probably have crap sleep for the next few years if you don't tackle it soon. I've seen this happen and it's grim for the parents. My niece is 5 and still won't sleep a night in her own bed. It's completely fine if you're happy with it, lots of mums don't mind co-sleeping at all but I'd lose the will to live if my sleep was disrupted for that long! I'm a horrible mum when sleep deprived.

In regards to independent play. Look up Janet Lansbury. She was a god send to me. You have to get comfortable with your DD crying and not scoop her up at every whimper. Independent play is definitely a very worthwhile skill to foster, particularly if you plan on having any more DC.

Good luck OP.

larrythelizard · 22/06/2020 13:20

All of those things are only a problem if they're a problem to you.

If you like doing them and they work in your life then don't worry about it!

I don't think you can spoil a baby!

If they're starting to be a problem then you could look at things like gentle sleep training.

Beamur · 22/06/2020 13:20

You're not spoiling her. What you're actually doing is making her feel secure. In the long run this will be good for her.
Co-sleep for as long as it suits you. Even extended co-sleepers/breast feeding will finish eventually.
She will eventually play independently, etc. Don't worry and don't compare her to other babies.

Apolloanddaphne · 22/06/2020 13:21

It sounds like you are parenting her perfectly well. What works for you may not work for someone else but it doesn't mean your way is wrong. Enjoy your DD and stop worrying about this. Soon enough she will be a toddler tearing about the place and you will wonder why you were ever concerned.

FleasAndKeef · 22/06/2020 13:21

Independence comes from dependence. They can't learn the former without the latter. Keep cuddling that baby 🥰

PhilTheGroundhog · 22/06/2020 13:22

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I purposely didn't "spoil" my son and now he's 4 I wish I'd enjoyed the baby cuddles while I had the chance!

Catastrofuck · 22/06/2020 13:22

All completely normal. Ten minutes playing independently is a long time for that age! It’s hard going though and easy to feel touched out

Connie222 · 22/06/2020 13:23

Sounds like both of my babies. Now aged 18 and 6.

I’m pregnant again and will be doing exactly the same this time, enjoy it. It lasts such a short time.

Calabasa · 22/06/2020 13:23

i co slept with my DD until she was 2, she's one of the most head strong, independent kids i know, because i gave her that security to know i'm always here when she needs me.

Just enjoy your baby :)

Connie222 · 22/06/2020 13:24

Both mine co slept until they were 3 as well.

Pipandmum · 22/06/2020 13:24

I don't think you can spoil a baby. Nursing to sleep is not spoiling her; I put my babies down before they fell asleep, they always slept in their own rooms and I don't think that was the opposite of spoiling. But it does make your life difficult. If you don't mind fine. But while she will think you are the sun, moon and stars for a few years yet, one day she'll look at you in disgust and tell you you're stirring your coffee wrong (happened to me when my daughter turned 12). Enjoy it while it lasts.

Worrysaboutalot · 22/06/2020 13:25

Babies can not be spoilt. I coslept, carried mine in slings for years.

When I took each of my kids to nursery at 3yo. Every time they walked off without a backward glance, as they had confidence that I would be back for them. Confidence build with all the earlier years of holding, cuddling and listening to them.

Keep on doing what your heart knows to be right and post back in a few years time and I know you will have a confident loving child.

Original poster
Secretlifeofme · 22/06/2020 13:36

Thanks ladies. I do enjoy it (especially the naptime cuddles) but I'm being driven slightly demented at night by the wake ups. 3 times is the absolute minimum tbh... Last night she went to sleep at 7.30 and then woke at 10pm, midnight, 1.30, 3.30 and then was up for the day at 5.45.

I am actually back at work and so she is with a lovely nanny during the day, but the nanny also has to hold her for naps or she won't sleep Hmm. It's pretty tough working on such little sleep and I wonder if co-sleeping is actually making her sleep worse?

OP posts:
forsucksfake · 22/06/2020 13:42

You're a loving mum. Your baby loves you and feels secure with you. Don't question the bond you have. She has only been here for 8 months, less time than she spent in your womb! She will be more independent in her own time.

Catastrofuck · 22/06/2020 13:43

IME most of this stuff is baby driven - you parent the child you have for the most part. My son would only feed to sleep or fall asleep in the sling or carrier. I didn’t fight it, coslept, and at 2yo he falls asleep by himself in his own bed (and I think he is quite young for that!). My 9wo won’t feed to sleep, and will only drop off in the sling during the day. At night however I can put her in her bedside crib awake after a feed and she will drift off. If I tried to put my son down awake when he wanted to sleep at this age he screamed. I find in here though people often don’t believe you when you have babies who behave differently to their own.

IME the whole feeding to sleep causing issues long term is (a) often not true and (b) often determined by what the baby requires rather than parents deciding

Ernieshere · 22/06/2020 13:48

You are probably doing what your instinct tells you, which is good.

My DD was exactly the same, she first slept through the night age 2, it was amazing.

I remember the first time she napped in the day, in a sling, I went into full panic mode, at a car boot sale, I remember asking a woman if DD was o.k, as it had never happened before & I thought something was really wrong with her.

Someone mentioned high needs babies to me, a lot of it seemed to fit in...

www.healthline.com/health/baby/high-need-baby#characteristics

They are definately more fun to look at than a robot though, even though it is so hard when you get a few hours broken sleep Grin

SpillTheTeaa · 22/06/2020 13:49

She's not spoilt. Babies need love and nurturing. Enjoy your baby and stop stressing. She sounds like any other baby

Foldinthecheese · 22/06/2020 13:50

I don’t think you’re spoiling her, but I did find that we reached a point with sleeping where she was happier in her own space. We moved her into her own room at seven months. She’s 18 months now. Sleep has still been a series of ups and downs, but she happily naps in her cot and prefers to sleep there until around 6am, when she’ll come and doze with us for a bit. I read a book called the Cheshire Sleep Whisperer, which is all about making her room/cot a cosy, familiar, welcoming place.

I think everything you’re doing is fine, if that’s what you want, but it’s okay if you want to make changes as well.

bboxoff · 22/06/2020 13:53

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job at attachment parenting. My son still sleeps in my arms, yet when I leave him with my mum or the childminder he will sleep anywhere. He's 20 months old. If it feels right, it probably is.