Fathers Day Expectation, hypocrisy?

[ShamanYou]

NB: I'm male and have NC as likely very identifiable. Long-term poster.

I have two adult children - 24 and 20. The eldest lives abroad.

I have been very low contact with my parents for quite time, perhaps three years, due to systematic extensive emotional abuse. Mother is a narcissist and father her enabler.

I see Father's Day (and Mother's Day) as a celebration of upbringing and a way to say thank you. I had zero intention of buying a card but my wife and DD(20) badgered me continually until I gave in yesterday.

I received nothing from either of my children - the eldest is somewhat understandable due to shitty postage. Younger child lives a mile away from us, and no reason given to either me or my wife.

I was very upset about it last night and am despondent.

My DW says I'm hypocritical for not wanting to buy my father anything but then complain when my children don't bother.

Do you have a good relationship with your children? Are they a but useless at remembering events generally?
I wouldn't take it too personally, it's just a stupid made up event designed to spend money anyway, but then I'm not sentimental at all

It’s just a made up day for commercial gain. You’re being unreasonable. More important things going on in the world right now than not getting a Father’s Day card you’ll chuck in the bin in a few days.

I wouldn't set too much store by it tbh it's just another 'hallmark' day set up with clever marketing in order to sell cards etc.

Is she not hypocritical for telling you to get something for your dad

I think the hypocrisy is your DW's

She badgers you to perform for Fathers Day. But doesn't do the same to make sure her sons at least call.

Aside from that, it's a bit shit to feel overlooked if Fathers Day matters to you.

Do you think
a) as Fathers Day isn't as engrained as Mothering Sunday, is it possible your DSes haven't realised you attach importance to it, or have overinterpreted a comment made years ago?
b) they've been scatty
c) they actively do not want to mark the occasion, even kniwning your preference for sure?

A&B might be solved by a tactful word, plus for B, timely reminder from DW

C probably needs deeper consideration of how it came to pass

YABU for letting them ‘force’ you into something
Getting a backbone is not only for women 😳🤔
(I cannot say grow a pair... you stated you were a ‘male’)

I’d be upset.

Your daughter thinks it’s important you send a card to your dad, even though he’s not a good dad, but couldn’t be bothered to get one for you.

She’s old enough that you can tell her you were hurt by that. Maybe do it in a gentle way - ask if you’ve offended or upset her somehow? Ask why she didn’t get a card?

It’s possible she thought you weren’t bothered about celebrating Father’s Day.

Maybe she’s just being 20 and selfish (I was at that age!), or maybe she misunderstood why you weren’t going to send one to your dad, or maybe she’s making a point that she’s upset with you.

Best just to have a conversation about it.

But I’d definitely be upset in your shoes.

Yes if be upset if my child felt it was important my dad bought a card but didnt recieve one.
Although it does depend a bit on did she do something else like turn up with a cake or make lunch.

Yanbu, I'd be upset too.

I understand how you feel. I’d be very hurt too, especially on the back of them hassling you about sending a card to your own dad.

There are two ways you can deal with it that I can see.

First way is to store it away. Wait for the sadness to pass - it will. But next year, if they start hassling you again about their grandfather, just say no. They’re not the boss of you. Point out you can get Father’s Day cards for grandads if they’re that bothered.

Or you could say, ‘Oi, where was my card?’ The next time you see them. No need to cry and rend your clothing. Just give them a friendly bollocking. Then do the above next year anyway.

I reckon you’re nicer than your dad, so they’re not as scared of you as they are their grandad. Sounds like they’re in the FOG with you. I imagine you’ve overcompensated a bit (so did I), which can lead to selfish kids (bit of that here too).

It’s not too late to assert yourself a bit though.

If you'd said you don't do father's/mother's day and they'd done nothing, then you'd be unreasonable.
The hypocrisy is your wife and daughter expecting you to perform despite your poor relationships with your parents, but then doing nothing themselves.

YANBU. Your daughter wants you to send a card to your abusive father, but doesn't bother to send one to her (presumably) non-abusive father? Maybe don't send her a card the next time her birthday comes around and see how she likes it.

I like the way that you excuse your DS but not your DD. Is it acceptable for men to forget things all of the time but not women? That aside, it sounds like your DW and DD have do it to make a point. I wonder if they also conspired with DS to tell him not to bother.

I got my DC gifts for DH (my kids are younger). I got my own Dad something. DH didn't get his dad anything, because I leave all of that stuff for his family up to him and it doesn't get done as a result. I am his wife, not his PA.

I don't attach exaggerated significance to the day, but the children made/bought cards for it from a young age.

My relationship with the children is excellent, no issues whatsoever.

It's not difficult for me to be coerced into things. Thanks to my childhood I have Complex PTSD, PTSD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Depression and Anxiety. I think these are strong points to not bother with any occasion.

(I cannot say grow a pair... you stated you were a ‘male’)

I'm biologically male and definitely have a pair!

YANBU

Did they call or message you instead?

@ShamanYou thanks for the confirmation... it clearly feels shit for you, but look on the bright side! It’s Monday and the sun is shining!

( and I could book a 2 hr session with my beautician in July!!!) 😂

You're not being unreasonable and If you were a women posting about mothers day you would have had a much different and unamious response.

YANBU your wife thinks you have to buy a card for your abusing father but doesn't think your son has to buy you a card? I'd be really hurt by both your wife and sons

I like the way that you excuse your DS but not your DD. Is it acceptable for men to forget things all of the time but not women?

I'm most definitely not excusing DD. I actually am more annoyed with her as it would have taken her a couple of quid and a 15 min walk. DS being abroad, and living sub-rurally with the nearest shops/post boxes a 30 min walk away. He could've just used Moonpig too.

@fatted But he hasn't really excused DS has he? He said it is somewhat understandable as he lives abroad coupled with bad postal service.
He also hasn't blamed his wife so what are you getting at by proclaiming you're not your husband's PA? .

I'd feel upset if I were you as well. You don't know what is in their heads and you need to find out. It's too easy to assume we know what someone else is thinking, and actually be quite wrong!

Do you all eat together? Next time you get the opportunity, ask your wife and DD why it was important to them you send your father a card. It may answer the question as to why they didn't do the same for you, or it may lead into a conversation about it.

They may say it was so you don't ever have anything to reproach yourself with, that the breakdown was entirely because of his bad behaviour. They may say, to keep him sweet, it's easier than annoying him.

You need to ask.

YANBU or hypocritical. Your wife is being quite hypocritical and insensitive to insist in doing smth for your dad when she knows the circumstances, and then claiming it's fine not to get a card or call from your kids.

Did they call or message you instead?

Nope.

YADNBU and I would certainly bring it up with your wife (who should have reminded them given she nagged you about your father) and both kids.

You don't have to make a big song and dance but I would certainly mention you're hurt that they didn't even send a card (what did they do for Mother's Day?)

If you have a good relationship with them then they'll be mortified that they've upset you with thoughtless behaviour, and it's no bad thing for people to feel it when they've done something upsetting.

I think your wife is the hypocrite here. She badgers you to buy for parents that were rubbish/abusive and then doesn't badger her own children for a dad that I assume was good! How odd.

Tell her how you feel for the last time and tell her to respect your wishes next year especially since she cannot be bothered to badger her own children!