Fathers Day Expectation, hypocrisy?

[ShamanYou]

NB: I'm male and have NC as likely very identifiable. Long-term poster.

I have two adult children - 24 and 20. The eldest lives abroad.

I have been very low contact with my parents for quite time, perhaps three years, due to systematic extensive emotional abuse. Mother is a narcissist and father her enabler.

I see Father's Day (and Mother's Day) as a celebration of upbringing and a way to say thank you. I had zero intention of buying a card but my wife and DD(20) badgered me continually until I gave in yesterday.

I received nothing from either of my children - the eldest is somewhat understandable due to shitty postage. Younger child lives a mile away from us, and no reason given to either me or my wife.

I was very upset about it last night and am despondent.

My DW says I'm hypocritical for not wanting to buy my father anything but then complain when my children don't bother.

As your wife coerced you into buying a card for your father I think she could have made some effort to encourage your children to do something for you.

Why didn't she? Have you asked her?

Actually, given the number of cards which have been arriving late lately - is there any chance that their cards just haven't been delivered yet, and they are sitting at home quietly seething about the fact that YOU haven't said thank you for the card yet?

Mostly, I think the positive spin to put on this, is that they feel able to take you for granted. Which is a massive compliment. They don't think your relationship with them has to be bought, begged for and negotiated, unlike yours with your parents.

so the child who badgered you to send a card to your shitty father didn't give you one? WTF??

Yes shitty but don't let it pee you off too much and don't do as a PP said and "forget" a birthday.

Sometimes the people you love the most are the people you can hurt the most too, i was certainly very thoughtless to my Mum as a teenager and into my 20s, even though she was everything to me.

YANBU to think that it was hypocritical, particularly from your DD.

However, the important thing is that you have a good relationship with your DC. Your parents got the card, but don't have that. You're the winner by miles.

Can you answer if this is a one off or not?

It happens a handful of times every month or so. What sucks is my mental health restricts my resilience and ability to push back.

OP, I am sorry this has happened. No it's not the end of the world, but I totally understand it being hurtful. Maybe something will come in the mail today.

The only little flag sparked by your posts is when you say your relationship with your kids is "sensational". Very few kids would describe their relationship with their parents as being that good by adulthood..... if it is something you have truly managed, then that is fantastic - especially with your history of abuse and emotional challenges. However, it is extremely rare and strikes me as even more unlikely when your kids have grown up with a parent with the list of illnesses you give. That must have been hard for them in some way, and I wonder if that is part of the relationship you are less aware of?

Probably I am wrong - it is probably just the typical thoughtlessness of young adulthood, but wanted to raise the question.

Sensational, we are very open with each other too.

I’d just forget it and try to change my thinking as to what Father’s Day means. Having a great relationship with your kids is worth so much more than a card on a random day that we’ve made to be Fathers Day.

I think it's strange for your wife to draw such a parallel. Your relationship with your children is independent of your relationship with your parents (although obviously the more baggage, the more potentially repeating patterns). Each generation sets up their own traditions, and I'd hope your wife would be happy that your children have a good relationship with their parents. Personally I did nothing for father's Day ever, but that because he hated it and said it was marketing bollocks. I loved him very much though. In my memory, I was silly and selfish in my 20s, and spent very little time thinking about what other people might feel and want. I'm sure they love you though!

It happens a handful of times every month or so

So this is a pattern, and not a one off. I ask you because I am wondering if this is a small part of a much bigger problem?

Sometimes the people you love the most are the people you can hurt the most too

Reminds me of the lyrics of a song I heard half-hour ago - "I am learning that it's the ones we love we give the power to hurt us".

To PP, definitely nothing in the post. These responses are all very helpful.

@ShamanYou

Can you answer if this is a one off or not?

It happens a handful of times every month or so. What sucks is my mental health restricts my resilience and ability to push back.

What happens a few times every month? You DD and DW pushing you to do something?

Do you need a bit of a push in some areas? Some of us do, with self care for example. Or are they pushing about things which are important to them?

‘ you stated you were a ‘male’’.

OP stated that he is male.
Probably still is.

If you have an open relationship, tell them you were hurt and disappointed.

My mother would have said something like “I’m disappointed I evidently mean so little to you, you couldn’t even email me”

if it is something you have truly managed, then that is fantastic - especially with your history of abuse and emotional challenges

We've had to deal with several serious issues over the years that strengthened our bond. Yes I recognise it's rare but there's been so much serious, emotionally destructive, incidents it's strengthened us.

I don't think you should have given your father a card in those circumstances. How can your DW pressure you to get him one but not your DC to do the same for you? I know they're adults but in the current situation she could have ensured something was done.

You can either have it out with all of them or let it pass. Maybe a jokey (pointed) comment on FB to your offspring!

Make sure they know the full details of how your parents abused you

shaman I am wondering if you have loved them a little too much, and haven't put boundaries in place to protect yourself adequately, loving your children is not the same as allowing them to do anything or to hurt you. They need to know that it is not okay, that your feelings matter as well.

It might be just a card or a thoughtless moment on their part, but I am wondering why your wife did not put the same amount of effort into ensuring they did not forget you, when she was happy to pressure you to send cards to someone that abused you, and to such a degree you are still suffering the consequences to this day?

so much serious, emotionally destructive, incidents it's strengthened us

Did you struggle when they were young op?

Was about to post being very judgey about your DW and DD, but as you normally have a great relationship with both DCs, is it possible that your DW and DD were using Father's Day to encourage you to reach out to your own Dad in an attempt to extend an olive branch for the sake of reconciliation?

So this is a pattern, and not a one off. I ask you because I am wondering if this is a small part of a much bigger problem?

Quite possibly, and it's likely DW who initially drives things, but I am too emotionally numb to identify them.

I have physical disabilities too, so does DW, she's reliant on me to take her shopping and to administer certain medication.

If you are very open with your DC I would have a heart-to-heart with the 20-year old and tell them how hurt you are by them not sending you a card. Explain what the card represents to you and why that means you don't want to send one to your dad but think you have been better father so hope for one from them. You need to ask why there hasn't been one this year yet you normally receive one from them.

Have you been particularly unwell with depression in recent months? I only ask because, depending on the severity of your illness, if can be hard for others to cope with and this can detrimentally affect relationships.

And no way should you have been badgered into buying a card for your father by your wife and mother. If you have been a good father to your children, it’s not hypocritical to not send your abusive father a card. My father is an absolute arsehole, there’s no way my partner or kids would have thought it was appropriate to send him a card. The whole situation sounds very messed up.

I would ask your children directly about it, you say you have an open relationship with them, so it would be good to discuss it with them and find out why they didn't contact you, and listen to their answers.

As for your own father, perhaps it is time to say to your wife that you are not going to be sending anything else and ask her to pressure you again.

Being more assertive about your own needs op. The world won't cave in if you say no.