Fathers Day Expectation, hypocrisy?

[ShamanYou]

NB: I'm male and have NC as likely very identifiable. Long-term poster.

I have two adult children - 24 and 20. The eldest lives abroad.

I have been very low contact with my parents for quite time, perhaps three years, due to systematic extensive emotional abuse. Mother is a narcissist and father her enabler.

I see Father's Day (and Mother's Day) as a celebration of upbringing and a way to say thank you. I had zero intention of buying a card but my wife and DD(20) badgered me continually until I gave in yesterday.

I received nothing from either of my children - the eldest is somewhat understandable due to shitty postage. Younger child lives a mile away from us, and no reason given to either me or my wife.

I was very upset about it last night and am despondent.

My DW says I'm hypocritical for not wanting to buy my father anything but then complain when my children don't bother.

Yes I'd be hurt too in your place. Adult children that age can be thoughtless and a bit selfish (not all, of course).

I remember my adult stepsons at the same age telling me that they were all off on Father's Day for Sunday lunch with their mum to their maternal grandfather's. They would NEVER send their dad a card, never called or texted. He is and was a really good dad.

I just remarked that as they knew what Father's Day was then, was there a reason that they never did anything for their own dad? They have remembered every year since.

She badgers you to perform for Fathers Day. But doesn't do the same to make sure her sons at least call.

This. I bet she'd be upset if you forgot Mother's day.

You mentioned that you speak or message your DD every day. So was this the only day she didn't call/message, or did you have a conversation and she just didn't mention Father's Day? I think I'd find it even more hurtful if you're usually in daily contact but they chose this day to not message at all.

No support, I'm currently waiting for therapy and been told it could be February thanks to COVID-19

What? No support at all?

Do you feel you can wait that long? If not, you need to tell them. It's often hard to advocate for yourself as people don't want to come across as entitled and know services are under pressure, etc, but would you have accepted that if your DC's had been told the same when they were younger? I bet you wouldn't.

I know it's hard to by pushy about one's own health, especially as a carer and when close family members have seemingly more pressing needs. But if carers don't look after their own physical and mental health, the whole household falls apart. If it helps, you can see it as a preventative measure to avoid burdening others a whole lot more in the future.

Have you asked for carer's' counselling at all? Aside from your past trauma, it sounds like the burdens of being a disabled carer are understandably taking their toll too.

You need more support, OP, and you may need to push for it. But you will need to make your real needs (not the muted, unassuming martyr version) known to services before they can support you.

That last part but wasn't meant to offend, by the way - I was thinking more about the way I can be when it comes to my own needs so projecting a little!

I also think you ought to be a high priority case.

Oh that's cruel.

We don't make a big thing on father's Day or mother's Day but it's always been marked in some way. Dp got sweets and his favourite tea made and he took ds to see his dad where they sat and had a beer.

OP - you have a DW problem too, it seems.

Yes, I've known for a while but I've never acknowledged it. Not that I can leave, we are seriously co-dependent.

Please speak to your children about this. And your wife!

It does sound like you have other problems with your wife, but if your relationship with your children is so good and so open then you need to be honest about how you feel.

It's unacceptable how they have behaved, particularly given the effort made for your wife for Mother's Day, as well as the nagging from your daughter about sending a card to your father - it's not as if she can claim to have forgotten about the day.

That last part but wasn't meant to offend, by the way

No offence taken, your post was very helpful. I will have to wait a couple of weeks to see when the mental health centre reopens.

So many great posts on this thread, I'm so very grateful.

And this will out me perhaps, but I have physical and mental conditions; so does DW but she is also registered blind.

You can leave, you may not be in the best of health but you do not have to stay anywhere even if you are struggling with your health. You are not trapped, and I am sure with the right support you could live independently if you wanted to, and whilst it is difficult because your wife also has medical problems of her own and depends on you, you are not responsible for her indefinitely.

I wonder if the co-dependency is the biggest issue here, and some outside agencies could really help with supporting you all much more.

It can not have been an easy environment to grow up in either.

I am so sorry. Your wife has let you down. If you had abusive parents, of course that means you don’t have to mark Father’s Day. And it’s got naff all to do with whether you get thanked.

As someone who lived with pain for a year I’m upset for you that you’re being forced to exacerbate it. Do you think your boundaries need some work? I appreciate the thought probably exhausts you given the pain.

I will have to wait a couple of weeks to see when the mental health centre reopens

If you feel you can, then do. But know that people who need urgent help are getting it now and lots of services (including adult mental health, social care, carer's' centres, counsellors) are still supporting people and doing telephone appointments. Not just for life and death things. And there is lots of support for carers atm as everyone appreciates how challenging lockdown is in these situations.

All I'm saying is don't wait for when things are officially open if you actually need help now.

If you haven't done this already, I'd contact the council and request a statutory adult needs assessment for each of you and DW and a statutory carer's needs assessment for you. It sounds like you haven't been assessed since it would be odd not to be receiving any support in your situation.

If you're struggling and need support now, then make sure you explain that as people will assume you can wait otherwise.

You sound like you’ve had a really bad time of it.

I think that your wife has been a bit of an arsehole. You are not a hypocrite. She, on the other hand, is an absolute dickhead. If you have a usually good relationship with your DC, then it’s clearly not a comparable situation. She knows that the relationship between you and your parents isn’t great, even if she doesn’t know every little detail. I cannot imagine badgering my DH to send a card to a parent in the same circumstances. Her loyalty should be to you, not to her FiL. It’s not like he’s been an excellent parent to you for all your life but you’ve had a falling out over something trivial. I could see it would be reasonable to perhaps give you a nudge there, but definitely not appropriate here. And if she was so determined to make sure cards were being sent, why didn’t she have a similar conversation with your son & daughter as she had with you?

Your DD & DS have also been really massively inconsiderate. If you can send a card when you’re in huge amounts of physical pain, then how come your daughter can’t manage a 15 minute walk and your son can’t google Moonpig? Did his fingers drop off after his move to the remote location? No? Then there is no excuse for either of them.

I think I’d have to tell all three of them how disappointed I was in them. Your wife & daughter for not supporting you and bulldozing you in your decisions re your parents and your son & daughter for not taking 30 seconds out of the day to call you, even if they couldn’t send a card.

When you’re able to get some mental health support, you might want to raise your issues with your wife. You might be helping each other physically, but that’s not much good if she’s damaging you mentally.

I think I’d have to tell all three of them how disappointed I was in them. Your wife & daughter for not supporting you and bulldozing you in your decisions re your parents and your son & daughter for not taking 30 seconds out of the day to call you, even if they couldn’t send a card

I absolutely agree it was wrong for OP's DW and DD to pressure him to send a card, especially given they were aware of the circumstances and knew why he didn't want to. A card or gift should be a voluntary gesture and loses all meaning if it's given under duress.

Which is why it would be massively hypocritical for OP to admonish his own DC for not having sent him a card or acknowledged fathers' day.

Of course OP isn't BU to feel hurt and to complain privately to DW that he's upset because his DC haven't acknowledged him - that's not hypocritical because DC had the free choice to send a card or not, and it's the decision they freely made (whether through thoughtlessness or consciously) that's hurtful.

However, it would hypocritical to tell them he is disappointed in them, as this would put them under duress to send a card in future, which is exactly the pressure OP objected to re his own father.

IMO, it would also be hypocritical to shame his DC for their behaviour, given the trauma he has suffered at the hands of his own abusive parent(s).

I don’t get anything for my parents on these days and I don’t expect anything either. It’s a load of rubbish, there are other ways to show love and care than a crappy card.

They should not have pressured you to do get w card yourself was there a reason why? To try and support you mending your relationship?

I would just leave it. I’m sure they didn’t mean anything by it, it’s not worth being upset over if you have good relationships with them normally.

LonginesPrime I do see your point, although I’m not necessarily in agreement with all of it. As the DD also pressured the OP to send his father a card, perhaps it would be better if he simply asked her why it was so important for her grandfather to have a card, but not her father. At the very least, there are some boundaries being trampled on by the OPs family.

Yes, absolutely, @Sn0tnose - if OP feels the need to discuss it with them, that sounds like a sensible way to go.

And completely agree about the boundaries.