Fathers Day Expectation, hypocrisy?

[ShamanYou]

NB: I'm male and have NC as likely very identifiable. Long-term poster.

I have two adult children - 24 and 20. The eldest lives abroad.

I have been very low contact with my parents for quite time, perhaps three years, due to systematic extensive emotional abuse. Mother is a narcissist and father her enabler.

I see Father's Day (and Mother's Day) as a celebration of upbringing and a way to say thank you. I had zero intention of buying a card but my wife and DD(20) badgered me continually until I gave in yesterday.

I received nothing from either of my children - the eldest is somewhat understandable due to shitty postage. Younger child lives a mile away from us, and no reason given to either me or my wife.

I was very upset about it last night and am despondent.

My DW says I'm hypocritical for not wanting to buy my father anything but then complain when my children don't bother.

I think you kids treated you badly especially the one who pushed you into buying your father a card, in my house fathers day is just as important as mothers day, my husband was spoiled on fathers day, I expect that to happen even when my children are older. I do this even though where I live in Germany fathers day not yesterday is about men going out and getting drunk with their mates, growing up we always spoilt my dad that didn't stop when we grew older.

Need some further info really:

1. Do your DC normally send you Fathers' Day cards?
2. Is the 20 year old living elsewhere for the first time (and hasn't had the benefit of your DW reminding them about it)?
3. Is eldest in a country with Covid-19 restrictions so couldn't buy a card (apart from supermarkets which ran out/only had tat left, the 2 card shops by me are still closed so, for the first time I didn't buy cards for DF and DFIL this year - not quite as bad as it sounds as mine go to the gardens of Remembrance as both our dads are deceased).
4. Did they even telephone and wish you a happy Fathers' day?
5. What is your relationship with your DC like?

I think your DW is wrong to call you hypocritical if you have good relationships with your DC. I also think she is wrong to have badgered you into buying a card for your father under the circumstances (and you were wrong to give in to what she wanted you to do). You need to become more assertive and not let your DW impose her opinions on you. I could understand her reminding you but not badgering you, considering you are low contact and the type of person your dad is.

I understand you being despondent if you have a crap dad and have tried to be a good dad to your DC yet they haven't bought you a card.

YANBU OP.... I would be upset too.

Cards and one gave a teddy bear, the other a bouquet...

Sorry that in response to what did they do for Mother's Day?

Im feeling very upset on your behalf. It seems like you made it very clear that Father's Day is important, and that it was your Dad was not a good Father so not deserving of a card. The subtext feeling very heavy that by not celebrating Fathers Day for you, you are not a good Dad.

I am absolutely certain that is not how they feel but emotional understanding is different than logical ones.

Call your children for a general chat today to connect with them, remind yourself that you're doing your best and they love you. Its a global pandemic and nobody is functioning well through this crisis I admit I found yesterday very difficult, I just couldn't bring much energy to celebrate anything when everything is shit and I do love my own Dad very much.

Your wife and children are hypocrites for saying it is necessary to buy your dad a card yet not child not feeling obliged to get you one or wife not pestering child to do it.

Does the child realise the reason you didnt think a card is important for your dad is because you don't get on rather than because you don't agree with Father's Day? I didn't get my dad a card as he thinks it is a hallmark holiday and wouldnt like it, gave him a nice bottle of wine though as small token.

Possibly your child thinks you aren't bothered about fathers day rather than you aren't bothered about getting your dad a card?

I would let them off a card this year (would be difficult to get round here with lockdown restrictions) but they could have called.

Hypocritical and very hurtful. It sounds like your upbringing was incredibly painful. They should leave you to set your own boundaries with your parents. It sounds like they haven't taken your feelings into consideration with any of this. I hope that's not a regular thing.

I think you should do what you want, what feels right in relation to your own parents i.e. don’t get badgered into sending something by your DW. Your kids probably feel the same way as you but don’t have a partner telling them what to do.

I think Mother’s Day and Father’s Day is a load of crap. If your kids show you they love and appreciate you for the rest of the 364 days then I’d let it go. If they don’t then try and figure out how you can have a better relationship if that’s what you want.

Just realised that your 20 year-old helped nag to to buy a card for your dad. OMG, how much of a hypocrite is she?

You don't think she posted a card expecting you to receive it on Saturday and it will arrive in the post today?

I agree it is definitely your wife and daughter that are being hypocritical. Yanbu to be hurt.

1. Do your DC normally send you Fathers' Day cards?

Yes.

2. Is the 20 year old living elsewhere for the first time (and hasn't had the benefit of your DW reminding them about it)?

She's been living independently for around 9 months now. We speak daily , usually with texts/Facebook messenger.

3. Is eldest in a country with Covid-19 restrictions so couldn't buy a card (apart from supermarkets which ran out/only had tat left, the 2 card shops by me are still closed so, for the first time I didn't buy cards for DF and DFIL this year - not quite as bad as it sounds as mine go to the gardens of Remembrance as both our dads are deceased).

The country has lockdown restrictions which I acknowledge would've made the already shitty postal service utter garbage.

4. Did they even telephone and wish you a happy Fathers' day?

Nope.

5. What is your relationship with your DC like?

Sensational, we are very open with each other too.

I really feel for you op.

I had the same dilemma with my own father, what do I thank him for years of violence and abuse? It does feel disingenuous to say the least, but I also took the same route as you (for an easy life) and kept the celebrations to a minimum (as in nothing) Fathers day when you have had a shitty childhood can be a very difficult day, and I am surprised given how long you have been married that your dw does not recognise or understand that. It was very unfair of her to lean on you to do anything, her response should have been to support whatever decision you made in relation to your own father.

As for your kids? Well that is totally rubbish. I would tell them by any means you feel most comfortable with that you are hurt they made no effort on fathers day. Next year you would appreciate some acknowledgement. Assuming you have raised your own children with love and care how is it hypocrisy??!! Why would your wife and children compare your horrible childhood with theirs? That is the million dollar question.

I would be worried you are still in a toxic dynamic, but now with your 'new' family. Do they treat you well in all other ways? Is this a one off or a pattern? Some adults that were not parented properly when they were small see neglect and indifference as normal, thus replicating their childhood throughout their lives.

Yanbu, considering they don't appear to have acknowledged it at all.

Not hypocritical of you But very hypocritical of them. I’m not surprised your disappointed

Sorry not meant to drip feed but both children know why I'm low contact and are aware of the mental health conditions I carry vas a result.

My local shop sold out of fathers day by friday and i went to 4 shops as the actually card shop is still closed and couldnt find one. My little one made my dads and i just put my name on it. Felt abit bad but might be the same issue.
If it makes you feel any better mothers day was abit overrun with the pandemic

Just seen they didnt even phone. Yes pretty bad. Sorry about that

I went to Moonpig to get my DB a birthday card (his was on Saturday). I wanted to do him a personalised card but Moonpig had a big 'flash' on the top of the screen saying that, due to demand, only e-cards were available. This was the middle of last week.

Any chance they meant to go Moonpig (the whole 'oh Covid, so can't send cards' is ridiculous), and got the same message, so got a bit caught up in being unable to get cards?

They still could have texted/messaged though. Bit shit of both. And your DW needs to be told to stop trying to reconcile you with your abusive DF.

I sent my father a card, but can't 'celebrate' if you know what I mean, and I understand you are low contact, and so do they.

Can you answer if this is a one off or not?

OP, I agree that it's not hypocritical given the context. If anything, odd from your DP given her encouragement of you.

Try not to be too despondent, late teenagers to late twenties can be reminiscent of toddlers in terms of self-centeredness and incapability of performing life tasks that don't involve fun or their friends.

I sent a Moonpig card to my dad, I organised it about three weeks ago and set it to arrive on Friday but it didn’t arrive, could it just be a problem with the post or did they definitely not send one?

Did they do it last year? Does seem a bit odd. You might get loads of "omg so sorry I forgot!!" coming through from them soon!

Your DD was certainly hypocritical and I agree with your idea of what the day is about.

Further, I've always thought father's and mother's day are much more about parents who are actively doing parenting, so parents of children at home, really. It's nice for adult children to send cards but I think the main celebration is of those parents who need / would like a day off from day to day parenting.

In that sense, your DCs are just past the age of obligation. Though perhaps you still support them? They are firmly within the age of youthful self-absorption however, which covers around 18-25. They may come out the other side with a nice grown-up ability to think of sending cards to other grown-ups.