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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a family day out without ds

122 replies

Whatafustercluck · 21/06/2020 23:44

9yo ds has been caught late at night playing on his phone on numerous occasions, resulting in week/ fortnight/ month long bans. We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation. All that happens is that when we are in bed he'll take a trip to the toilet and get his phone. Or when he goes to bed he lies and says he doesn't know where his phone is but swears blind it's not in his room. He's hidden it under his pillow.

He had a very late night past night (not phone related) and as a result we said we wanted him to have an early night tonight, all technology out of his room etc as it's our anniversary tomorrow and we've both got the day off to spend together. We had thought of a visit to the seaside as it's during the week and less likely to be very busy.

Caught him on his phone at 11pm. I've read him the riot act this time and said the phone has gone for good this time (we had relaxed the rules a bit since lockdown to enable him to stay in touch with his friends). The tablet will be going too and the laptop will be used for schoolwork only.

The thing is, he's going to be unbearable with tiredness tomorrow and I cannot face our anniversary being ruined by him. He will be moody, argumentative and lethargic. I am so cross with him. He normally goes to his cm as we both work but as we've both got tomorrow off I'm tempted to go to the seaside without him - me, DH and 3yo dd.

Is that a punishment too far? Dh thinks so - and he's normally harder on him than me.

OP posts:

ChaBishkoot · 21/06/2020 23:48

I have an 8 year old. He doesn’t have a phone and if he did and was this disrespectful about house rules I would personally confiscate the phone and keep it with me so he wasn’t able to get it. I think the punishment is harsh but that’s because it sounds like he’s got away with far too much before. If you are planning to eventually relax the screen rules for the sake of convenience then you might as well punish him tomorrow. But if you are really intending for him to go cold turkey and you are going to hold firm then you should probably let him join tomorrow. It depends on, honestly, whether there will be any real consequences for him.

Chungus · 21/06/2020 23:53

I change the pin number on my DDs phone so she can only get into it when I say.

TokyoSushi · 21/06/2020 23:56

I think that if he has form for this, you should take further measures to prevent him getting the phone etc, they should be completely removed/locked away/hidden.

Sending him to the CM while you take your other DC to the seaside is too harsh. I have a 9 year old DS, sometimes you have to help them to do the right thing.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/06/2020 23:57

If your 9yo has been caught playing on his phone on numerous occasions why are you not taking the phone and putting it somewhere out of reach overnight?

I would not go without him tomorrow btw, that seems unnecessarily cruel

Hold fast with the punishments you set out - kids learn quickly to ignore idle threats.
Perhaps reward his good behaviour tomorrow and over the next 2 weeks or whatever period with getting the iPad/phone back on a limited basis

19lottie82 · 21/06/2020 23:58

It sounds like he’s too young for a phone if he is behaving like this? Does he really need to have one?

Houseplantmad · 21/06/2020 23:59

He clearly can't resist the temptation, which is understandable, so it should be you that looks after all tech overnight, so he can't get to it.
You can't leave him out of the trip. Too harsh and divisive.

Original poster

Whatafustercluck · 22/06/2020 00:00

My view is that it's very similar to an addiction. Therefore I am absolutely holding firm - particularly as I always had reservations about him having the damned thing in the first place. The phone has gone and won't be coming back.

He's not an absolute little shit - gaming is a real weak spot for him. He also caring, sensitive, thoughtful and a brilliant big brother. That's why I'm so disappointed in the flagrant disregard for the rules and propensity to lie - it's out of character in an otherwise lovely (and level headed) child.

OP posts:

bubbleup · 22/06/2020 00:02

He's 9. He doesn't need a phone and the fact he has access to it that way is a bit worrying.

My kids play games on old phones of mine without a sim in and I remove them when it isn't appropriate for them to play on them.

Also, "asking" him to have an early night then not removing the temptation of the phone isn't really parenting is it? Sounds like a lot of freedom/responsibility for a 9 year old.

I feel so sad for him that you'd all go off to the seaside and leave him because he made some poor decisions that most kids his age aren't freely left to make

mumoftwodc · 22/06/2020 00:02

I think the temptation is too great for him. Try sitting and having a chat and agreeing usage and times and make a joint agreement. If he breaks that then deal with the consequences ie he doesn't get it the next day. If it's all agreed upfront he becomes responsible for the actions he takes. Also I would move the phone out of reach at night time and times when he shouldn't be using it. Perhaps with lockdown and relaxing of the rules he's slightly confused.

Sassypants82 · 22/06/2020 00:04

Don't understand why he has access to the phone at all, at night. Where does he take it from? If this is known behaviour (& your post says it is), why haven't you found a place to put his phone, at night, that's not accessible?

sleepingdragon · 22/06/2020 00:04

9 is to young to be able to self regulate technology. He needs your help, whether that's you having the phone and giving it to him at certain times, or using something like the Google Family App to restrict its use. Go out as a family tomorrow and use this as the moment to reset your son's relationship with technology and the way you supervise it.

Whitelisbon · 22/06/2020 00:05

I'd take him tomorrow, but take the phone away for a decent length of time. When (if) he gets it back, put some parental controls on - we have norton family on ds(14) phone, it locks at a preset time every night and doesn't come back on until a preset time the next day. I can also block websites, or whole categories of sites (ds is not allowed YouTube, or social media for example). He is allowed an hour a day on his phone, once he's done his schoolwork he gets extra time, once his chores are done he gets more, I can take time away for bad behaviour, add time for a reward, etc.

user32742534 · 22/06/2020 00:05

He's 9 years old FFS. Why does he even have a phone? You have given a young child a highly addictive piece of technology with no parental software installed that puts limits on it, and expect him to be able to self regulate its use all on his own by not even taking it away at night or having it switch off automatically?

I'd take the phone away entirely, 9 is far too young. And I'd use an app like Qustudio to shut his tablet off an hour before bedtime. You are basically suggesting punishing him for your own lax parenting.

Original poster

Whatafustercluck · 22/06/2020 00:05

Also, "asking" him to have an early night then not removing the temptation of the phone isn't really parenting is it? Sounds like a lot of freedom/responsibility for a 9 year old.

Good lord, I probably should have phrased it better. He was in bed for 8.30 and I think I explained that we removed all his technology. He lied about not knowing where the phone was. We even rang it to try to find it but he had switched it to silent.

OP posts:

shiningstar2 · 22/06/2020 00:05

Yes ...too harsh. To deny an 8 year old a family outing on a day that is special is cruel. They type of thing you remember with hurt for years. Even more so when its been impossible to go anywhere special for weeks. Every age group, including parents, including me, are on their phones far to much. It's important to monitor screen time with kids of course, but I think the phone should be taken from him before he goes to bed. Not all 8 year olds are mature enough to resist temptation so best to take the temptation away.

FishyMcFishyfingersFace · 22/06/2020 00:06

If you've taken tech off him them surely that is the punishment?

Our rule is that we punish once per demeanour (which I have to keep reminding dh of) and if it doesn't work then next time try something different, not add more punishments on.

Your ds being tired is why you're considering not taking him rather than the use of his phone really though, can you not push your trip back by an hour and let him have an hour longer in bed in the morning?

CheshireCats · 22/06/2020 00:06

Is it an iPhone? If so put screen time on it which can be controlled from your phone . You can set the time for it to switch off and on and also restrict the time allowed on individual apps etc

Original poster

Whatafustercluck · 22/06/2020 00:07

We did - under our bed after the previous occasion. He was playing on it (with permission) earlier in the day, and hid it from us so we couldn't find it at bedtime.

OP posts:

CheshireCats · 22/06/2020 00:09

Well tell him, if phone isn't handed to you at bedtime, for whatever reason, the next day's time limit will be halved. He won't be "misplacing" it then will he ?

negomi90 · 22/06/2020 00:10

Its when they're at their worst that kids need love the most.
Keep the phone away and stand firm with all your punishments, but take him with you and spend the day pulling him close and loving him and having a fun special family day out.

Original poster

Whatafustercluck · 22/06/2020 00:11

He's 9 years old FFS. Why does he even have a phone?

Because he's a sociable child and was struggling with lockdown and not seeing friends. His school is a 20 min drive away so all his friends live in a village and we do not. He has no local friends and he is not back at school. We let him use the phone to play Roblox with his friends - ironically to help with his mental health.

OP posts:

Nottherealslimshady · 22/06/2020 00:11

You've set him up to fail. You should have been managing the phone use from the start. Punishing him tomorrow is like a teacher punishing a student for failing their class when they didn't teach them properly.
Wipe the slate clean and start as you mean to go on tomorrow.
Phone stays in your possession. Set amount of time to use it, must be within your sight while using it.
The internet is a dangerous place for children.

Chloemol · 22/06/2020 00:12

He is nine. These are strange times, in lockdown, no school and now no seaside?

You didn’t take his phone away properly did you if he could retrieve it. You should have physically locked it away some where or taken the battery out, although I am unsure why a nine year old would even have a phone

I would take him to the seaside, he would not get the phone back

doodleygirl · 22/06/2020 00:14

I am really struggling to understand why a 9 yr old has a phone?

harisonsmum · 22/06/2020 00:14

Like one poster as suggested screen time is brilliant and you can set a reasonable time e for it to kick in. This way he can’t access anything on his phone after this time apart from phone calls.

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