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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a family day out without ds

122 replies

Whatafustercluck · 21/06/2020 23:44

9yo ds has been caught late at night playing on his phone on numerous occasions, resulting in week/ fortnight/ month long bans. We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation. All that happens is that when we are in bed he'll take a trip to the toilet and get his phone. Or when he goes to bed he lies and says he doesn't know where his phone is but swears blind it's not in his room. He's hidden it under his pillow.

He had a very late night past night (not phone related) and as a result we said we wanted him to have an early night tonight, all technology out of his room etc as it's our anniversary tomorrow and we've both got the day off to spend together. We had thought of a visit to the seaside as it's during the week and less likely to be very busy.

Caught him on his phone at 11pm. I've read him the riot act this time and said the phone has gone for good this time (we had relaxed the rules a bit since lockdown to enable him to stay in touch with his friends). The tablet will be going too and the laptop will be used for schoolwork only.

The thing is, he's going to be unbearable with tiredness tomorrow and I cannot face our anniversary being ruined by him. He will be moody, argumentative and lethargic. I am so cross with him. He normally goes to his cm as we both work but as we've both got tomorrow off I'm tempted to go to the seaside without him - me, DH and 3yo dd.

Is that a punishment too far? Dh thinks so - and he's normally harder on him than me.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/06/2020 01:16

FYI my 9 yr old doesnt have a phone either. She will get her first phone on her 11th birthday as her siblings did (in prep for high school). Her friends parents and I agreed at the start of lockdown that they could keep in touch via our own FB/Messenger so we could keep an eye on it. They are all ok with that, and play Roblox etc on our phones.

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 22/06/2020 01:22

Taking his phone indefinitely when you've given it to him to keep in contact with his friends in lockdown = CRUEL

To even contemplate not taking him on your family day out = REALLY CRUEL

The fact you say what a good boy he is apart from all this makes it even worse 😔

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 22/06/2020 01:23

And yes I've read the full thread

Sweettea1 · 22/06/2020 01:27

No 9 year old needs a phone if he needs to speak to friends let him use your phone to call them. You say he sneaks in your room to find the phone or wherever you put it at bedtime why did that not tell you he's using it to much? Should of taken it of him for good the first time he done that. He needs to know you mean what you say an by giving it bk he knows you don't. Leaving him out of a family trip is shitty just take the phone away an dont give it bk

ineedaholidaynow · 22/06/2020 01:28

At 9 he shouldn’t really be using tech unsupervised. So never in his bedroom whatever time of day. Maybe you should keep the phone and let him have it when he asks during the day but it can only be used on the lounge/kitchen wherever there is an adult. He has a limited time on it and he has to give it back once that time is up.

I assume you have access to his passwords, that should also be a condition of having a phone at this age.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/06/2020 01:31

Comes down to...."I fucked up as a parent but I wasnt too bothered until it affected ME and MY special day!!! AIBU to bin him off so I GET MY SPECIAL DAY?!"

Yes, yes you are.

notangelinajolie · 22/06/2020 01:32

Why has he got a phone? He doesn't need one.
Why are you allowing him to go and get his phone back? He has shown he is a liar can't be trusted yet you leave his phone in a place that is easily accessible. He is clearly not mature enough to be trusted so stop waving temptation in his face and take the phone off him all together.

As for your anniversary - don't be mean, stop making it all about him spoiling your day. Instead of an anniversary day out have a phoneless family day out.

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2020 01:33

Enjoy the trip,

yourethecomebackkid · 22/06/2020 01:42

He’s just too young to be able to be expected to manage that responsibility. I think you are setting him up to fail and it’s unfair on him. You take the phone and give it to him when you are happy for him to be talking to friends and remove it when you feel he’s had enough time

I hope your day out goes well.

(As an aside if his phone is an iPhone then if you sound ‘Find my phone’ It will ding even if the phone is switched to silent)

morriseysquif · 22/06/2020 01:48

You gave him a phone too young to be responsible with it .You need to set limits on the phone so he can't use it past bedtime.

Don't punish him.

Lollypop4 · 22/06/2020 01:54

9!
He does'nt need a phone.
As parents, you shouldve taken it away at the 1st instance this happened.
When my 16yr old did something silly with her phone, she lost it for 3mths and on return, restrictions, one of which - not allowed in room with over night.

Going off for the day without him is an additional punishment and would be cruel.
You've created this issue by not giving a lengthy time without phone before now

HannaYeah · 22/06/2020 03:14

I understand why you considered it but think you’ve made the right decision to take him along.

I don’t think exclusion from family events is ever a good punishment. Particularly because as they get older, some kids will gladly avoid family time and it’s something that’s good for them.

Happy Anniversary!

NookIsACrook · 22/06/2020 03:37

I think living with you would be a bit like living with Hitler.

In what way is living with someone guilty of misjudging their nine year old child's ability to self regulate screen time even close to being like living with a man who murdered people for being Jewish, a different race, gay, disabled or any other reason he decided their life had no value so sent them to be slaughtered?

Purpleartichoke · 22/06/2020 03:40

For the future, use parental controls. DD’s phone can only make calls during the night. We also keep it charging in the main part of the house, but even if she went and got it, it wouldn’t work. Same with all devices in our house. They don’t work after bedtime.

Quietheart · 22/06/2020 04:14

@Whatafustercluck

We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation

You asked him? He's 9 years old he shouldn't have unsupervised access never mind asking him not to use it and him being able to hide it. You should have his passwords, you should be able to block his device and check it.

I've calmed down a lot and realise that not taking him to the seaside would be cruel. I'm not sure a day out is going to be enjoyable though so I'm not really sure what to do.

How about be a parent?

You've admitted he's too young for the responsibility and self regulation. You gave him a phone to help his mental health and yet you really did consider excluding your son from a family day out? How's that going to help his feelings of struggling with lockdown?

Would he be home alone?
Is this even real?

CrumpetyTea · 22/06/2020 04:32

Let him go on the trip- its double punishment otherwise.

On the technology- I have a ten-year old with an ipad so have a lot of sympathy ( there were valid reasons for him having an ipad but I do regret it now!) - we have 1) no screens upstairs at all 2) kidslocks/screen time limits controlled either automatically or by me on my phone- he hates this but has absolutely no self control - he has tried to override the password on this but no luck - my only problem with the screentime controls is that i'd like it to work across all gadgets- as otherwise he just switches gadgets
I do often think that maybe going for no screens would be easier in the long run but currently we go for restrictions- any violation results in a ban and screentime limits are my fallback punishment

Yeahnahmum · 22/06/2020 05:08

Kid is taking the piss. Happy you stepped up and took the phone away. He has proven too young for a phone. Next time come better prepared with cutting out his wifi after 9pm and no phone in his bedroom etc

Runbitchrun · 22/06/2020 05:20

No, you don’t have a family day out without him. His bad behaviour with the phone is down to your parenting failures, so don’t take it out on him beyond removing the phone. He ‘can’t find’ the phone at bedtime??? FFS how are you accepting that? He puts it in your hand before bed or it’s no longer his phone.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 22/06/2020 05:50

Keep to the day out but hrs not allowed to whinge or day he's tired.

Wrt the phone I'd big up his disappointed you are in him. Don't get cross, just disappointed that he's not the big boy you thought and therefore he'll have to be supervised -1 hour a day in your presence, and the phone can't leave the room. Therefore he can keep in touch with his pals but you're in control.

PatchworkPerfect · 22/06/2020 06:05

We made it clear to our son before he got his phone on this 11th birthday that it would have to be left in our bedside drawer 1 hr before bedtime. It isn't good for them to have all that blue light right before trying to go to sleep.

On some phones you can also limit the amount of time they can spend on certain apps. So we have his set up so he can access all his games for 2 hrs a day but after that he is only able to use it for messages and calls. We can over-ride this with a PIN code only we know.

If my son had "lost" his phone in order to make sure I didn't take it off him that night that would have been the end of the phone for a very, very long time.

I do think 9 is very young for a phone. If he isn't mature enough to abide by reasonable rules he isn't mature enough for the phone, lockdown or not.

Quietheart · 22/06/2020 07:39

@TimeIhadaNameChange

Don't get cross, just disappointed that he's not the big boy you thought and therefore he'll have to be supervised -1 hour a day in your presence, and the phone can't leave the room.

ffs all children should be supervised with a phone.
www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/

maudavery · 22/06/2020 07:49

Why does he have a phone? He is 9 and he doesn't need one. And you didn't really remove it from him, it needs to be locked away. And now you are punishing him by excluding him from a day out because of your own inadequate parenting. Poor boy.

TheVanguardSix · 22/06/2020 07:52

You only have yourself to blame here, OP. A phone at 9... all that temptation and addiction that a child his age cannot handle or cope with, is all on you and your DH for making a poor decision. He doesn't need a phone. There is absolutely no reason for him to have one.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 22/06/2020 07:56

Deffo utilise the screen time options on phones (different depending on brand) up you can then completely lock it down from a certain time, you can go white in-depth with the restrictions too and decide what he's on, when and for how long. I use this with great success with my children.

We also have a rule that an hour before bedtime all phones/iPads/handheld consoles etc and to be put in a basket to charge and if they're not there due to "I can't find it" then they're banned from it the next day. It soon speeds up the finding process. This is mon-fri, I'm more relaxed weekends and holidays to a point.,

You've got a really hard time on this thread OP which was uncalled for.

Looneytune253 · 22/06/2020 07:58

Why can't he leave his tech downstairs? That's the rule in our house. Esp for my 9 year old. 15 year old only takes it up during daylight hours too. She leaves her phone downstairs when she goes to bed.

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