To have a family day out without ds

[Whatafustercluck]

9yo ds has been caught late at night playing on his phone on numerous occasions, resulting in week/ fortnight/ month long bans. We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation. All that happens is that when we are in bed he'll take a trip to the toilet and get his phone. Or when he goes to bed he lies and says he doesn't know where his phone is but swears blind it's not in his room. He's hidden it under his pillow.

He had a very late night past night (not phone related) and as a result we said we wanted him to have an early night tonight, all technology out of his room etc as it's our anniversary tomorrow and we've both got the day off to spend together. We had thought of a visit to the seaside as it's during the week and less likely to be very busy.

Caught him on his phone at 11pm. I've read him the riot act this time and said the phone has gone for good this time (we had relaxed the rules a bit since lockdown to enable him to stay in touch with his friends). The tablet will be going too and the laptop will be used for schoolwork only.

The thing is, he's going to be unbearable with tiredness tomorrow and I cannot face our anniversary being ruined by him. He will be moody, argumentative and lethargic. I am so cross with him. He normally goes to his cm as we both work but as we've both got tomorrow off I'm tempted to go to the seaside without him - me, DH and 3yo dd.

Is that a punishment too far? Dh thinks so - and he's normally harder on him than me.

Would you leave your 9 year old DS home alone all day?

It's a lesson for you as parents really, nine is too young for a phone regardless of lockdown, he has a tablet and a laptop he really didn't need another device, they are also addictive and nine is too young to manage that. The phone should now go permanently until he is older, as he's repeatedly proven he isn't mature enough to have one, that's the punishment. Enjoy the day out and remind him that real life is better than screens.

You should not exclude him from the family trip, that would be really callous. To be honest I think it is your management of the tech that is the issue. Firstly, he is too young for a phone and shouldn't have one at all. But even if he does have a phone that young for some reason, you should use Google Family Link to disable the phone between the hours of, say, 8pm and 8am.

Clearly I’m a shit parent too as DS had a phone at 9, (my old one) and he pushed the boundaries a bit to start with. And he wasn’t dealing with lockdown, no school and not seeing his friends. Ok, suggesting he misses out on the trip was a bit extreme but some of the comments here are over the top.

Take him on the trip (with it his phone). It’s a day away from screens with fresh air etc.

Introduce new rules on phone use with immediate effect. 9 is very young.

That was supposed to say without

Why not keep it with you when he goes to bed? If he can access it so easily, it's too much of a temptation for him.

Happy anniversary OP! I hope you have a nice day.

My SIL also has a screen time limit of 1 hour (longer on weekends) for the kids. It really helps.

I am not strict with phones/tech at all really compared to some on here but I remove all tech from my 10 year old's bedroom on school nights at 9pm; we sit and chat for 15 mins. Alexa then plays some 'spiritual' music and she's usually asleep by 9.30pm which is the agreed bedtime. There are some occasional arguments and strops but on the whole it works for us.

On weekends, the phone comes out the room at 9.30pm but she's allowed to watch Netflix in bed until she falls asleep.

I don't impose rules when they reach teens (but I appreciate that I probably should and I am not parenting that well there). However, if they stay up all night on their phone, they then feel like shit the next day so as a rule they generally are reasonable.

However saying all that, YABU to ban your DS from the family day out. That would be mean.

He shouldn’t even have a phone at 9! I had to re-read your OP because I’d assumed your DS was mid-teens.

Take him on the trip but ditch the phone!

If he wants to play Roblox or speak to his friends, he can do it through your tech during a set time period. Personally, I’d be ditching the Roblox too. Not appropriate for children because the act of gaming affects their brain.

You need a parental app that locks the phone after a certain time . No access can be gained . Don't exclude him from your family day out , that seems really cruel.
9 is way too young to self regulate so you need to either remove the phone at night or use a parental control app

I agree with an earlier post. Change the pin to the phone. Then he can access it but only when you put the pin in for him. Then he can still talk to friends during lockdown but can't sit on it all night.

Oh no don’t leave him out of a family trip. I still remember this happening to me aged 6ish, we went for a day out but I misbehaved in the car so I wasn’t allowed in to the attraction and had to stay with my mum in the car while my sister went in with my dad. I still remember how sad I was.

My ds8 has a phone. He uses it for roblox and facetiming friends. It does the same job as his tablet but he just had his dads phone after he upgraded. Is it the phone that's the issue to posters or do they react the same way to tablets

Why don’t you have parental controls on the phone? As a pp says, it depersonalises the issue and means if he lies, you can confíscate without having to physically have the phone in your hand.

You are the parent so act like one. Make sure he gives you his phone in the evening and you put it where he can’t get it. It is up to you to teach him responsibility

@Sometimeswinning

My ds8 has a phone. He uses it for roblox and facetiming friends. It does the same job as his tablet but he just had his dads phone after he upgraded. Is it the phone that's the issue to posters or do they react the same way to tablets

Phone or tablet is the same thing in my mind. The child is supervised and the adult monitors both the content and usage.

Did you not ever do this as a kid? With toys/ game boy etc?
Pretend to be asleep then play when your parents think you’re asleep?

I think you’re being too strict personally. I think the lesson of tiredness is a much better one.

I'd be very keen to get him out and about enjoying life - he should be at the seaside not on his bloody phone all night. Just take the phone away without any punishment. He's far too young to manage the addictive nature of a smart phone.

I think living with you would be a bit like living with Hitler.

Posts like this are why I enjoy reading AIBU so much.

Is it the internet he uses on a night? I would turn wifi off every night at a set time. Also there might be some parental controls you can set on his phone about daily usage

Only read first page so sorry if this has been said. My ds when he was that age had a cheap iPhone because I could add him to my family and put screen lock on it that he couldn’t access apps after bedtime.

I also want to add I feel your pain I have a very caring, sensitive,intelligent boy who is as honest as they come until electrical are involved. We had it from 9 up until now, just turned 12, and whatever we did we were evil ones. Lockdown, I think, has taught him we are only so ‘mean’ because we care about him. I had screen time on everything until he stopped lying about it all about March time we have started to relax it and he’s not pushing the boundaries because he knows it’ll be back.

I'm another saying you need Screen Time installed (it's built in on iPhones I think, but worth every penny if you need to pay for it).
The phone is then unusable at the bedtime you set. Game changer here with our DS13 - I was searching his bed at 1am previously for his phone, laptop or even the family iPad. He now leaves everything charging outside his room as no point taking them in now.

My stepson (now 13) has had an iPhone since he was about 8 - husband Would rather he didn’t have one - but his mum allowed it - so that’s fine!

When he stays with us - we switch the WiFi to a new password after 9pm so he has no internet!

He’s also blocked from downloading apps or anything without my husband first being notified and has to give permission! When he was younger - we took the phone at night and the PlayStation controllers and left them in our room hidden away

It is too late to take it away now - he already has it ! But just do a bit of research on how to lock be in more control over the phone - there’a plenty of parental controls you can put on it

Have a nice day today.