To have a family day out without ds

[Whatafustercluck]

9yo ds has been caught late at night playing on his phone on numerous occasions, resulting in week/ fortnight/ month long bans. We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation. All that happens is that when we are in bed he'll take a trip to the toilet and get his phone. Or when he goes to bed he lies and says he doesn't know where his phone is but swears blind it's not in his room. He's hidden it under his pillow.

He had a very late night past night (not phone related) and as a result we said we wanted him to have an early night tonight, all technology out of his room etc as it's our anniversary tomorrow and we've both got the day off to spend together. We had thought of a visit to the seaside as it's during the week and less likely to be very busy.

Caught him on his phone at 11pm. I've read him the riot act this time and said the phone has gone for good this time (we had relaxed the rules a bit since lockdown to enable him to stay in touch with his friends). The tablet will be going too and the laptop will be used for schoolwork only.

The thing is, he's going to be unbearable with tiredness tomorrow and I cannot face our anniversary being ruined by him. He will be moody, argumentative and lethargic. I am so cross with him. He normally goes to his cm as we both work but as we've both got tomorrow off I'm tempted to go to the seaside without him - me, DH and 3yo dd.

Is that a punishment too far? Dh thinks so - and he's normally harder on him than me.

Of course he doesnt miss out on a family outing. How about you act like a parent and moderate his access to tech? He's 9!

He's 9. It's not his fault. He's been given a highly addictive device and won't have the mental maturity to handle it. My son would also act like this if allowed too. Don't set him up to fail and then blame him when he does, take responsibility for managing addictive devices around small children.

Please take him with you. If you don’t, I guarantee that you’ll regret it and it will become one of those stand out memories he won’t forget.

9 is far too young for a phone. At that age most children just aren’t capable of the good judgement needed to sensibly manage everything that access to one opens up. A gaming system in a room other than his bedroom is a better option.

My younger kids 8&9 don't have phones or play roblox but still manage to stay in touch with friends.
They have a kindle each with a couple of games on and a Nintendo switch to share. They don't use them upstairs and never even asked to.
My nine year old in particular can't handle too much gaming or certain games. They have a really negative impact on his mood and behaviour.

Oh I can't get past 'living with you would be like living with Hitler.' Hilarious.

Mistakes on both parts happen and this is clearly a situation everyone will learn from. I hope you all manage to have a nice day out OP!

It's hard for them as most of us wouldn't have allowed our primary children the access to screens that they are having now - I've got one the same age as OP's child - but things aren't quite normal.

For me it's proof that primary children can't really cope with it.

We now have a safe (fairly cheap from Argos) which various devices need to live in. It's big enough to take a tablet though probably too small for a laptop. The Switch spends most of its time in there and other devices have different regimes depending how things are going!

How did you get to the point of giving him a one month ban, yet never do something as simple as put a screen time management app in place?

I think that since kids have literally been in lockdown for months, then its a bit mean to stop him coming to the beach.
Consequences are better related to the thing theyve done, so confiscating the phone for a while would be better than actually preventing him from doing something fun that is non tech based. It defeats the point. A lot of kids have developed issues with their tech use over lockdown because theres fuck all else for them to do.
Take him to the beach. It will do you all good

A 9 year old with a phone, tablet and a laptop!

If he needs a laptop to do school work, let him keep that Mon-Fri school hours. Everything else should be hidden away in your bedroom.

It might be different now but when my kids were younger (like 5 years ago), the kids usually only got phones when they started secondary school.

@GetKnitted

If the phone is an android *@Whatafustercluck*, I would very much suggest installing the Family Link app. This would allow you to manage your DS's screen time proactively with limits on usage either by amount of time or by the time of day. The app is flexible, you can override the limits as a parent whenever you choose, or on the other hand you can lock the device when it would normally be on. Of course, this can all be backed up with sensible conversations about use, so that eventually they can build good habits that they can police for themselves.

@GetKnitted's advice is great.

We have Family Link too, so it doesn't matter where the phone actually is, it's locked when you want it to be. Save yourself a lot of grief and put parental control on it.

Then at least you know when he will be able to use and when not. We have this on DS's phone and tablet, otherwise he would be on the tablet 24/7. We've also blocked some websites and Family Link lets you know if he wants to install a new game or the like.

Sorry but you and your DH have to take the lion’s share of the blame here. You’ve allowed him to have the tech in his room and haven’t ensured, on multiple occasions, that it was taken away to encourage him to sleep better.

You’ve set him up to fail by not imposing stricter limits which isn’t fair on him.

Take him on the trip and make a new rule of no tech in the bedrooms after a certain time. If the kids breach that particular thing is taken away for a week or more.

@Handlingthis

Oh I can't get past 'living with you would be like living with Hitler.' Hilarious.

Mistakes on both parts happen and this is clearly a situation everyone will learn from. I hope you all manage to have a nice day out OP!

Suspect it was written by someone closer in age to the child than to the parent! 😂

"I think living like you would be like living with Hitler" Do you have any inkling of how callous and ignorant your post is? You are equating this loving mother with the evilest man who walked this earth in the modern history of this world?!!! I suggest you get off your arse when lockdown is over and you go to a holocaust memorial or a museum and you educate your narrow,little mind and learn a few facts. Hopefully you will be ashamed of yourself

For future reference, if you need to find an android device you can use the find my phone option (or ask google/alexa to ring the phone). Even if set to silent, the phone will ring loudly if u activate find my phone.

I am always leaving the phone around the house and I just ask Google to ring it instead of searching the house 😂

Tbh I would have kept it in my room from the off.

He’s too young for you to be “asking” him to have an early night and policing his own phone usage. My DD is nearly a teenager and when she misuses her phone it gets taken off of her until I feel she can be trusted. I wouldn’t let her have free reign of it at night and expect her to not use it at all. I take it off of her completely. I’m definitely not a strict parent btw. I just don’t expect her to always make the right decision for herself.

I wouldn’t leave your son out of the trip tomorrow but I would start taking charge of him more from now on.

For those who have bothered to read the thread and have taken the time to offer advice without snide comments, a quick update.

Ds came with us and we had a lovely day. He was on top form and threw himself into things. I explained that the phone ban stays until secondary school and that during the week he can do gaming for an hour a day. I explained that I felt the amount of time he is spending on devices is impacting negatively on family life and that I accepted that our expectations of him were unrealistic and that we need to step in to help him manage his screen time much more proactively. I said we had probably become too lax due to lockdown and wanting to do the right thing and had inadvertently allowed him to have more screen time than a 9yo should. He has accepted the phone ban almost without question (when he has begun questioning it I've given him what he refers to as "the glare" and quickly stops). He decided when he wanted to use his one hour today and did so after he had finished his school work. He's also accepted that we don't want him to use that one hour right before bed.

He apologised for upsetting me and I apologised for upsetting him by getting cross and thanked him for throwing himself into the day out despite his tiredness. He said he really enjoyed it.

We have only ever wanted the best for him and because he's such an honest boy ordinarily had given him the benefit of the doubt too much by leaving the electronics charging on the landing initially. We did eventually remove them to our bedroom but had initially wanted to try to teach him a little responsibility. He's so sensible on the whole that we just hadn't thought it would be too much temptation. Likewise although we suspected he was lying about not knowing where the phone was before bedtime, we had no way to prove it and relied on him owning up and doing the right thing (always better in my view than accusations and denial). Anyway, we now know that he's a good kid bit sense and sensibility will always dessert him where tech is concerned so he needs more help to manage it.

That sounds brill. Really well handled. Don't know why people feel the need to come on and make snide comments, TBH.

Some children really do need the help to manage tech, it's tricky, because so many apps are literally written to tap into the brain functions/processes involved in addiction, it can sort of "overwrite" their general sanity. It's why I get a bit wound up at people who say "Oh I never restricted screen time and that's how my children learned to self regulate!" - no - you were just lucky in having children who were not overly bothered by screens!

@Whatafustercluck glad to hear it. I understand exactly where you were coming from with your original OP but I'm glad it got sorted. And you do seem like a good mum - unlike those putting the boot in and the dickhead who thinks Hitler is a cartoon character.

That's a lovely update OP. Well handled and I'm glad you had a great day out.

Great update!

I think these devices are so addictive that it's not a reflection on your son that he could not self moderate.

Glad you had a good anniversary!

Download one of the free parent apps. Just switch his phone off overnight !