To have a family day out without ds

[Whatafustercluck]

9yo ds has been caught late at night playing on his phone on numerous occasions, resulting in week/ fortnight/ month long bans. We've asked him to leave all technology outside his bedroom to remove temptation. All that happens is that when we are in bed he'll take a trip to the toilet and get his phone. Or when he goes to bed he lies and says he doesn't know where his phone is but swears blind it's not in his room. He's hidden it under his pillow.

He had a very late night past night (not phone related) and as a result we said we wanted him to have an early night tonight, all technology out of his room etc as it's our anniversary tomorrow and we've both got the day off to spend together. We had thought of a visit to the seaside as it's during the week and less likely to be very busy.

Caught him on his phone at 11pm. I've read him the riot act this time and said the phone has gone for good this time (we had relaxed the rules a bit since lockdown to enable him to stay in touch with his friends). The tablet will be going too and the laptop will be used for schoolwork only.

The thing is, he's going to be unbearable with tiredness tomorrow and I cannot face our anniversary being ruined by him. He will be moody, argumentative and lethargic. I am so cross with him. He normally goes to his cm as we both work but as we've both got tomorrow off I'm tempted to go to the seaside without him - me, DH and 3yo dd.

Is that a punishment too far? Dh thinks so - and he's normally harder on him than me.

You say he's been given the phone to keep in touch with his friends during lockdown. Please don't remove it if this is the reason for it. Have a chat with him, discuss why it's not working and agree a plan so everyone's happy. Then go out and have a great day and take him with you.

He is 9. Lockdown has been hard, take him to the beach. Other behaviour should be dealt with in other ways.

I think excluding him from a family day out is far too harsh.

I think you were unrealistic to expect a 9yo to have developed sufficient self-discipline to come off a phone that was still available to him. You should have locked it or physically removed it, or at least checked he was asleep.

You say he's been given the phone to keep in touch with his friends during lockdown. Please don't remove it if this is the reason for it.

I know but I think this is what has made us a bit too forgiving with previous issues. I genuinely think that we have reached a point of realisation that 9 is indeed too young for a phone - whatever the circumstances. And it does make me sad so I really hope he'll get to spend time with his friends again, properly, soon.

I've calmed down a lot and realise that not taking him to the seaside would be cruel. I'm not sure a day out is going to be enjoyable though so I'm not really sure what to do.

Given the number of adults who are glued to their phones (including me) you cannot expect such a young child to regulate their own use. It's your fault he's been able to use it so late, so it's not fair to punish him more. There are several apps that you can use to lock down kids' phones at certain times and limit screen time. If you can't manage it physically then use one of those. Or take the SIM out of the phone and block it on your WiFi after hours.

You should have locked it or physically removed it, or at least checked he was asleep

I have already explained that we did. And it was by checking whether he was asleep that we discovered he wasn't. But even that took us pretending to leave his room and waiting there in the dark because he pretended to be asleep!

"I've calmed down a lot and realise that not taking him to the seaside would be cruel. I'm not sure a day out is going to be enjoyable though so I'm not really sure what to do."

Go ahead anyway or it'll feel like his fault and a punishment. Ice cream and fresh air will wake him up and he can sleep on the way there and back. If you're determined to have a good time and don't keep going back to the "well if you'd done as you were told" you'll all have a good time. Tomorrow is a new day as they say

My friend excluded her 13 y/old child from a family weekend away as punishment & worry she'd ruin their trip. It started a chain of resentment, feelings of being unloved, rebellion & slowly drove them apart. It was heartbreaking to see.

Her DD is now 25 & they have a badly fractured relationship. Her DD still brings it up so it hurt her a lot. It didn't teach her anything positive.

I'm not saying this will lead to that scenario as other factors were involved, but it certainly contributed to it.

I do sympathise though - I've a relative with a 14 y/o DS with the same addiction. It's terrifying.

Are you mad? 1) a 9 year old has a phone in the first place 2) it’s kept somewhere he can access it at night. Do you really not see the problem? Take a long hard look at your parenting of him.

@MadameMeursault take a long hard look at my replies throughout this thread if you're interested in explanation. But if you just waded in to gleefully tell me I'm a shit parent I suggest you jog on.

This problem is you!
Remove his phone before bed time. Stop letting him be tempted by it then punish him for it. It's sick.
It's like dangling a sweet in front of his face.
I cannot believe you are thinking of taking one child and not the other because of your actions and not your sons. YOU need to remove his phone! He's 9 and it's YOUR responsibility. Ffs.

If the phone is an android @Whatafustercluck, I would very much suggest installing the Family Link app. This would allow you to manage your DS's screen time proactively with limits on usage either by amount of time or by the time of day. The app is flexible, you can override the limits as a parent whenever you choose, or on the other hand you can lock the device when it would normally be on. Of course, this can all be backed up with sensible conversations about use, so that eventually they can build good habits that they can police for themselves.

It sounds like a day out as a family, lots of fresh air and no technology is much needed for him so withdrawing that is cruel imo. I always think punishments should be relevant so misuse of the phone = withdrawal of phone. And what 9 year old wouldn't be tempted by a phone just outside their door! We scoop up all the tech at bedtime to help stop temptation.

Ok going to bed myself now, seeing as how the late hour seems to have brought out the piss heads spoiling for a fight and who cannot be arsed to rtft.

Thanks for the genuine posts from those offering advice and support. For those who have bothered to read my updates, I realise IABU in thinking of not taking ds and will give him and hug and a kiss tomorrow while remaining resolute. I am holding onto the fact that he's a lovely child in every other respect as proof that our parenting skills are not all bad.

Why not let him have the phone at certain times, so he can talk to his friends, but at agreed times/lengths. Personally I'd draw a line under it, have a chat with him about how new limits would be set and then go and have a great time

I think living with you would be a bit like living with Hitler

Oh do fuck off.

We use an app that controls the DC's tablets via our phones so we can add and remove time. It saves a lot of arguments as it depersonalises the issue and we don't have to handle the tablets. The tablets are stored in our bedrooms for charging when not in use.

It's better to keep the consequences linked to the behaviour. Take him to the beach, it will do a world of good. My 7yo is really struggling and getting him out away from home does a lot to lift his mood.

I don't think him playing on his phone at 11pm last night was so terrible, it's not like he is going to school tomorrow. These are difficult times for everyone. When he is back at school you can enforce some rules but at the moment, it is far less important, especially as you say he is generally a nice and good boy.

Let him go out with you - if he wants to. It will do him good to go to the seaside.

You may find that he's OK once you get there, fresh air etc.

My DS is awful with screens like this. We have realised that actually he's just unable to handle it - they are designed to be addictive and young brains are more susceptible to this than adults.

I second the family link app - it's the only one we've found that actually works. He could get around the others by putting the parental control app onto split screen. However, if WhatsApp is something he uses, if they get a text, they can reply through the notification even when the phone is locked down.

We really worry about DS1 in general, because he completely struggles to self entertain etc without screens and seems quite reliant on it. However this week they turned on the water pumps at our local park (not UK) and we went this afternoon and he spent ages digging moats and channels to see if he could get water running this way or that etc. Worked well with the toddler because he was interested to see what he was making etc and we could keep him away when he wanted to jump on the castles etc by making different ones for him to jump on.

When you have a child who struggles to self regulate technology like this, what you actually need to do is spend more time doing things as a family/that don't involve screens so I'm glad you are taking him as I think this kind of thing really helps them build the skills they need to cope with it. Leaving him behind would have been counter productive in a way. I hope the day isn't too stressful and you get a chance to enjoy it.

I didn't see how old he was on the first read and assumed this was a teenager. I think at 9years old he shouldn't have been able to access a phone at night (easy to say in hindsight and I'm sure he won't in future). I wouldn't send him away but I would think about how much technology a child that age really needs. My DSS is a similar age and doesn't have his own phone, he uses DHs or mine to chat with his mum and vice versa. They are too little to expect them to self regulate, even as adults we aren't very good at it often!

Sorry, seen your update. Hope you have a lovely day out and anniversary.

You are being unreasonable. It’s you who have messed up and are now punishing him for it. I have kids of a similar age. A 9 year old does not need a phone. If he must have one, it’s up to YOU to take it out at night. You must find it, you must take it with you downstairs and keep it with you. You must lock it or hide it where he won’t be able to get it. He is 9 and has a phone meant for adults. Tbh it’s you who don’t deserve an nice day out for failing to take bloody charge and make sure he’s getting adequate sleep. I know I sound harsh but I have such a bee in my bonnet as have seen many of one of my kids class (10 and 11 Year olds) texting and what’s Apping at midnight / 1 / 2 am. Just can’t understand why they have their phones!?

My9 yr old is only allowed her tech in the lounge with me or in the bedroom when her 15 yr old sister is there too. It all stays downstairs and disabled when she is in bed.

I think you have been too free and easy with when you allow him to have it so you have a part to play in his addiction. You seem to want people to give you an easy fix to a situation you helped create. We cant do that.

You need to put usage rules in place, ie; he only has in your presence, and stick to them. DD is happy to talk and facetime her friends when I am there, if he isnt then you need to find out why.

But the upshot is, as much as you clearly dont want to hear this, you allowed this to happen and you need to stop blaming him for your fuck up.

I have a similar issue which became a real addiction to my child's phone use with lockdown.
The fun and games of this phone has caused a lot of conflict.
It was brought to keep in contact with family elsewhere.
I now keep it in my bedroom overnight.
The addictive behaviours are surprising and I think it is just that not as the child being a little shit rather it's to much fun.
I wouldn't exclude a child I would include him and maybe it will trigger what he can do and enjoy your families company without the phone.