The aftermath of a break up...AIBU to feel this way?

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I split with my ex a few months ago now. It was a long term relationship and I believed he was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life. I ended it, for valid reasons, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to put things right, to fight for 'us'. He didn't. He did ask to stay friends, we were each others best friends, I don't have any other friends really, they're all more of the fairweather kind and he doesn't even have that...at first I said no, then as the dust settled I thought maybe it could be possible, but when I contacted him to say this, his response was he wasn't sure how it could work, maybe we should try at talk at some point. I agreed, and told him to call me when he was ready...a month on I've heard nothing further.

I've cried a lot, and now I'm in a place where but for the photos of us everywhere in my house and on social media it's like none of it ever happened. I've gone back to the same sad little single life I had before him. And this is probably how I will stay.

I don't have any real friends because I can't stand people's bullshit. I know as soon as it becomes public knowledge I am single again the people who might be loosely termed friends will be faux sympathising over how I can't keep a man, how sad I must feel being alone, all with the subtext of how much of a failure I am because no man has loved me enough to marry me (that's been said to me, more than once!).

I can't be bothered with their shit. But equally I don't see my future anymore. Not in a I want to die way, but my life was a book. The chapters were written but there was a vague plot - relocate together, (semi) retire, get dogs, be happy. And now it's all blank. I can't see what's going to happen. What I mainly see, or fear, is that it's just me on my own forever.

I don't think that's what I want. But equally the thought of ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. Let alone the process of meeting someone, having to tolerate inane conversations with idiots while trying to find someone worthwhile. And then if I do meet someone, what if it all goes wrong again? And next time I'll be a decade older and it'll be even worse than it was last time or the time before.

I just think why did it have to be like this? I know people who met their 'one' at school, or uni, or their first job...why wasn't that me? I never had love (romantic love that is) until my mid 30s...that didn't work out. Then I was single for 6 years, then this. And now I'm alone. Again.

I feel sad about my ex. I miss him a lot. It makes me sad he won't now even be friends. I hate my blank future. I don't know what the answer to all this is...give it time? I feel less upset now, I'm not crying any more, but just empty. I always felt before him like I was living half a life and thats how I feel again. I've lost my best friend, my love, the person who was always on my side. And I don't know how to make my life fuller again.

I’m sorry you’re sad OP. What were the reasons you ended the relationship? Perhaps reminding yourself of those might help you come to terms with it?

As for being longterm single - it is probably not much consolation if you really want to be coupled up, but there are positives to it. A lot of what look like happy relationships on the outside are actually really troubled. There are positives to being on your own. And if a friend of mine said anything like that to me, they wouldn’t be my friend any more!

To what extent do you think you want a romantic relationship and to what extent do you think you are lonely in a broader sense? I’m not going to give you the whole ‘join a club, develop a hobby’ schtick because I’m sure you know all that already but perhaps it is worth having a bit of a push to meet new people and seek out new friendships?

You've created the situation though. You finished with him, but not really wanting to..
and hoping he'd fight for you'?

That sounds like games.

And the way you talk about others makes you sound a difficult person to be friends with or in a relationship with.

He wanted to be friends and you didn't and after now realising you have no-one else you thought you'd bestow your friendship? and not surprisingly, he's not that bothered now.

Now he was your best friend, your love etc. Well, you shouldn't have dumped him and even rejected his offer of friendship till a few months later when you now feel lonely and realise people don't want to be around you much..

I made the right decision to end it, his actions at the time and after gave me no choice. But I've lost my best friend. We didn't live together but we spoke every day, messaged each other all the time, things we'd seen, or heard. We liked so many of the same things.

I've tried to make more friends. But people don't have time. They have families or partners. The only people I would describe as friends are married, and have massive families. It's the same with those who are more on the casual acquaintance level...they have partners, or families, or better friends or sometimes all 3. In your late 40s most people have established friendship groups. I have a group of school friends who are in no way supportive of or kind to me and have basically used me over the years (ive distanced myself massively from them in recent years), I'm in contact with some guys I knew at uni but not closely because their wives would find that inappropriate; the girls I knew at uni I didn't stay in touch with because they were bloody horrible to me. A very close friend in my early 20s died, another moved away and got married and we lost touch. I've had friends at various jobs, mum's of kids my own were at school with, but whilst they were good for the odd night out here and there, they had other friends, better friends. Or we just didn't have enough common ground to deepen a friendship beyond something superficial.

I miss my Ex's friendship as much as our romantic relationship.

I wasn't playing games. He hurt me, and crossed a line. I had to respond as I did, it was a promise I'd made myself many years before. He scared me and I always said that I couldn't allow that.

Could it have been saved? Maybe if he'd acknowledged how wrong it was, offered to seek help, to demonstrate it was a one off, offered mitigation. That's what I meant by fighting for us, but he didn't.

As for our friendship, it was too emotionally painful to agree to be friends there and then. It felt like rubbing salt in the wound. I was too upset, too hurt. When the initial pain and loss subsided, I thought maybe we could try and at least salvage a friendship...and he agreed, but then hasn't contacted me since. So I don't know if the offer wasn't really an offer or just manipulation?

Based on your last post OP it sounds like a lucky escape.

Ok so you did the right thing to step away. It is probably not a great idea to pursue a friendship even if he was willing, tbh. It is difficult to find new friends as you get older, I appreciate. There have been various threads about it on here, I think it’s something a lot of women struggle with.

I just don't get why when I said yes I'd like us to try and be friends, which was what he had asked for, he didn't say no he didn't want to, quite the opposite he replied a short while later, said how much my friendship meant to him etc, then that he didn't know how it would work and we'd need to talk about it first. Which I agreed to...and then nothing since. I don't understand why?

Are the poster who posted about her ex who poked her? And then didn’t see a problem with it? If yes I remember your posts (there have been a few) you seem to have been down for a while now, I think you should seek to speak to a professional and work through the grieving process.

I guess his changed his mind. It would be an uneasy situation if you've split up with him.

Counselling, I think.
This is all coming from within. It’s shit of people to make nasty comments about you being single, but you say it yourself about sad little single life, and that’s coming from YOU.
You want a dog? Get a dog.
You need to embrace being single, but I think you’ll need counselling to get there.

I think you sound a little dismissive when you say you have to wade through 'inane chatter' to find someone to connect with. For a lot of people that 'inane chatter' is the glue that sticks friendships together. It can't all be deep meaningful talks on the meaning of life, sometimes you just meet up, chat about the weather and your favourite cake, and what you've done this weekend...

But the single life isn't so bad. Could you join groups where you become acquainted on the basis of mutual interests - book groups, walking groups, dining groups (when they all re-emerge after Covid, obviously). Then you always have something to talk about that interests both of you, to avoid that 'inane chatter'.

That's not me although it's a not dissimilar issue. I've had some calls with our company counselling helpline but I didn't find it very helpful, it's not going to change the outcome or provide any answers to the questions I have which really only he can answer.

I refer to my sad little single life because that's what people call it. I've heard it many times, that's how people view me. How they pity me. I don't want their pity.

I can't get a dog because I work full time. We would have had 2 incomes, been able to both reduce hours, I was also going to work partly for him so I could have taken the dogs with me. We'd even chosen the bloody dogs names (our surrogate children I suppose).

I don't want to be single. Most people don't, that's why dating sites are so popular, why people get married multiple times, why all the people who are married don't get divorced.

By inane chatter I mean the drivel that is meeting men, whether in a bar or on a dating site. All the 'u ok hun?' and the suchlike. I don't want deep meaningful conversations necesaarily but I hate all that chitchat stuff. Like I joined a kind of virtual meetup group for the single and there are loads of chat threads just with people saying how's your evening, reply oh I've got a cider and watching a film, reply in similar vein, it just all feels like such cringy chit chat I can't bear to contribute. Or people posting selfies which elicit lots of how's you or looking good replies... it's not the group for me but it just reminds me that I don't want any of that.

You sound quite cynical op. I totally get that this is not where you want to be in life. I understand how difficult it must be to single in middle age. But you seem to think love is something that just happens to you. Those lucky people you describe who married their school sweetheart or uni love or work colleague have yo work really hard to stay married. Inane chat is a part of life unfortunately and friendships and Romance has to start there. Plus the say you don't want people's pity, well stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Give yourself time to heal for a bit then get out there again. Rekindle your friendships and make the most of the life you do have. You have time and freedom which is something people with kids and husbands don't have. Use it.

If you’ve been apart for several months now it would be reasonable to start dating. You seem quite cynical about meeting new people as friends or potential lovers, I wonder why that is? Many people are pleasant to spend time with, I’m sure you can find a few who have common interests with you. On the plus side, hopefully it will mean you don’t stand for any nonsense off potential dates.

Grieve the life you had planned with your ex, then put it behind you and focus on making a really nice, fulfilling life for yourself. It’s dangerous territory to rely on the company of someone else for your own happiness. Having dogs is a lovely lifestyle choice, could you still make this happen with a dog walker popping in while you’re at work?

People who say that to you are not your friends, OP. I would not want to be around people who were so negative about my life and my choices.

Most people say things like that though. Maybe I'm unlucky but honestly those kind of comments come from most people I know. It's like trying to make better friends...I tried this a lot in the 6 years I was single before I met my Ex. And what I found was people were too busy. The nice ones said nicely they were too busy to do anything more than the occasional night out; the not so nice ones said the same but added I should find myself a partner, then I wouldn't be lonely. Or asked why I thought I couldn't meet someone who loved and valued me, that kind of thing.

I feel physically sick at the thought of dating anyone. I never found dating fun; mostly disappointing or toe curlingly awkward. The only fun date I had in 6 years was with my now Ex. I remember at first I tried to be selective but never went on any dates because the ones I felt there was a decent level of conversation with were the ones who never wanted to meet...so then I took more of a scattergun approach and just ended up with a load of, well I'm not sure how charitably to describe them. And finally met my Ex and we both were so bloody happy that we never had to deal with any of that again...until we split up.

Some asking why you think you can’t meet anyone, sounds caring to me. Trying to get you to question why you’re so negative about yourself. People saying “meet sone so you’re not lonely” are also not calling you a sad single... they’re making a constructive suggestion.

On another thread you’re saying you can relocate and work from home most of the time. Yet here you’re saying you can’t get a dog. You can 🤷🏻‍♀️

Since I posted that thread our company has changed direction and we are now going to be needed in the office at least 2 days a week rather than 2 days a month as previously indicated. So that's put the kibosh on any moving plans, and I couldn't have a dog here because I only have a modest garden. Plus now having to be in the office.

Firstly, well done for ending it when it wasnt right, that is brave and you should be proud of yourself .

I think it is normal to feel this way after a breakup. There is a gap in your life now which will take a while to fill. It seems it will never fill again but it will, I promise. I've seen it so many times.

Allow yourself to grieve and then to heal. Keep active and do stuff you enjoy. It feels like you'll never meet someone but that's just how it feels- you can never tell who will come along.

It is annoying about the friends thing people tend to say they will be friends then it doesnt happen, that is just how it goes. Hanging onto the friends thing seems like you are hanging onto a bit off him, which really isnt for the best. Feel sad, and start to let it go. All this will be for the best, long term.

And it isnt a 'sad little single life'. Anyone who has said this stuff to you, has issue with their own happiness. It's not about you.

As to the comment by acquaintances, I guess it's all in the tone. It wasn't said in a caring way. It wasn't a you have so many good qualities X, y, z, I can't understand why you're single, what do you think? - which is the kind of thing that the 2 real friends I have might say. No this was more a comment with a head tilt, more a what I should be doing differently than an empowering you have so much to offer kind of thing. Like the uni girls who said my chavvy background and big hoop earrings was stopping me getting a uni boyfriend...

I go to lots of pub quizzes and I made lots of new friends in my 60s by volunteering for a political group. If you don't like general chitchat then you maybe need to join some 'intellectual' type societies-like debating groups etc. or volunteer to help some elderly or disabled groups. You'll soon realise how well off you are then, even being single. Get a dog and find a retired person, who would be willing to have the dog during the day for company but can't afford one full time, while you are out at work.

OP, you may be finding some of the answers on this thread frustrating. Is it perhaps because you wanted to have a bit of a moan and some sympathy, but people are coming up with practical suggestions and advice? I note that this happens quite often on MN.

Practical suggestions are fine but not all situations are the same and people should understand some things may not be possible. I don't mind things being suggested, but if they're simply unworkable or I've tried them already I will say as much.

Years ago, I had to move a heavy item of furniture so a new meter could be fitted, I couldn't move it alone. When the fitter arrived I explained the situation and he refused to help move it as he wasn't insured. He phoned his manager who then spoke to me and said I should have got my husband to move it...when I said I didn't have one, he laughed. Actually laughed.
Well your boyfriend then? Don't have one Get your dad to do it? Same answer Brother? Same answer
Neighbour? (My neighbours are horrible and I don't speak to them).

It was resolved in the end when someone else came out and moved it even without my help but that's the kind of thing that happens...people say go to your friends, family etc, but I don't have them. It was just me and him, and now it's just me.

I think that you are analysing things way too much. You have had a sad break up, and you will be very upset,and obviously will think about your life,and how it's been.But it's not a good idea,to obsessively dwell on all the things that happened before. Time will pass, and you will feel differently about your life later on.

It is nice,if you can stay friends with a person after a break up, if you have the personalities to do so.