The aftermath of a break up...AIBU to feel this way?

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I split with my ex a few months ago now. It was a long term relationship and I believed he was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life. I ended it, for valid reasons, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to put things right, to fight for 'us'. He didn't. He did ask to stay friends, we were each others best friends, I don't have any other friends really, they're all more of the fairweather kind and he doesn't even have that...at first I said no, then as the dust settled I thought maybe it could be possible, but when I contacted him to say this, his response was he wasn't sure how it could work, maybe we should try at talk at some point. I agreed, and told him to call me when he was ready...a month on I've heard nothing further.

I've cried a lot, and now I'm in a place where but for the photos of us everywhere in my house and on social media it's like none of it ever happened. I've gone back to the same sad little single life I had before him. And this is probably how I will stay.

I don't have any real friends because I can't stand people's bullshit. I know as soon as it becomes public knowledge I am single again the people who might be loosely termed friends will be faux sympathising over how I can't keep a man, how sad I must feel being alone, all with the subtext of how much of a failure I am because no man has loved me enough to marry me (that's been said to me, more than once!).

I can't be bothered with their shit. But equally I don't see my future anymore. Not in a I want to die way, but my life was a book. The chapters were written but there was a vague plot - relocate together, (semi) retire, get dogs, be happy. And now it's all blank. I can't see what's going to happen. What I mainly see, or fear, is that it's just me on my own forever.

I don't think that's what I want. But equally the thought of ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. Let alone the process of meeting someone, having to tolerate inane conversations with idiots while trying to find someone worthwhile. And then if I do meet someone, what if it all goes wrong again? And next time I'll be a decade older and it'll be even worse than it was last time or the time before.

I just think why did it have to be like this? I know people who met their 'one' at school, or uni, or their first job...why wasn't that me? I never had love (romantic love that is) until my mid 30s...that didn't work out. Then I was single for 6 years, then this. And now I'm alone. Again.

I feel sad about my ex. I miss him a lot. It makes me sad he won't now even be friends. I hate my blank future. I don't know what the answer to all this is...give it time? I feel less upset now, I'm not crying any more, but just empty. I always felt before him like I was living half a life and thats how I feel again. I've lost my best friend, my love, the person who was always on my side. And I don't know how to make my life fuller again.

I think the fact I've heard nothing from him for a month or more now means that he has changed his mind about being friends, although I would have hoped he'd afford me the courtesy of at least saying that rather than leaving me dangling.

Or maybe he's met someone else. That will hurt, though it's to be expected. He's a catch, and he hates being single. I guess that's what it is.

It wasn’t just him and you, and it isn’t just you now. It’s you and your two adult children and your two proper friends. Honestly, I think you’re over estimating how many people that average person has in their lives.

Sure there are always those around us who seems to have loads of friends and family - and genuinely do, I don’t mean anything by “seem”. But there are also loads who have a much much smaller circle. Me, for starters! For 5 years after my divorce, having moved to another area for MH husband, I’d have been paying a handyman to move anything I couldn’t. I remember bringing wardrobes back from Ikea in my van, then opening the box in the back of the van so I could carry the pieces in one by one. Next set - handyman just lifted the entire bloody box onto his shoulder and carried it upstairs.

It isn’t easy, but I think you only feel worse if you go down the train of thought of, “everyone has someone except me”. They really don’t.

He’s not leaving you dangling. He told you that he wasn’t sure how being friends works work and had to think about it, and you said well get back in touch when you’re ready. What do you actually expect of him? To make that awkward I give call to stop the dangling, to say to your face, “I don’t want to be friends”? That isn’t going to happen.

It’s shit, I feel for you. But there is no point in wasting your emotions and energy talking yourself into being upset that you’ve been left ‘dangling’ when you ended it, said you couldn’t be friends, and have already been told that he doesn’t see how ‘friends’ would work.

And is he a catch? Really? You said he has less friends than you (not that that is a bad thing, like I say - I think you over estimate how many real friends people have). He doesn’t like dating. He was dumpable by you. He doesn’t put effort into relationship problems, and he was negative about your plans. Doesn’t sound much of a catch to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why would you want to waste your time being friends with him? Your time is better focused firstly on YOU and secondly on your small number of friends - and your children - than him. He ain’t all that! He just seems it, because the current situation isn’t what you want it to be. Well done for ending it. You might not be where you want to be right now, but you weren’t with him, either.

So get a dog and have a dog walker / doggie daycare for the two days a week you need to go into the office. Join clubs, societies etc that reflect your interests and where you will find people who want to have serious intellectual conversations (book club? Local history club? Walking club? Etc). Pick a new hobby / start a project. Research something that interests you. Get some counselling to explore your feelings of inadequacy. I can’t help you with the uselessness of most men on dating websites but there are at least threads on here full of women moaning about it so join one of those and have a laugh and a natter. In short - the advice is, buck up!
But I don’t think you actually want to be told that, and that’s fair enough. You want some sympathy.

I have a bunch of friends from uni. We all were paired up at Uni and all except me and ex are still together (40s). All 3 remaining couples are unhappy, unfulfilled, wondering 'what if'. They have school age kids and are just on that treadmill of work, school, mortgage, kids activities. I predict that at least two of the couples will split at some point in the next ten years or be like my parents, staying together despite quite evidently having little respect or affection for each other. I'm on my 3rd serious relationship of adulthood. I'm a single parent (no blending families though). The person I was with from uni was the right one for me in my 20s. The next was the right one for me in my 30s and now in my 40s I have someone in a similar place to me life wise. I have no real expectation of 'forever' but enjoy his company and see it as a bonus add on to my life. If or when it ends, that will be sad but my plans fir the future are based on me and the kids, not him.
It's totally OK to be sad it's ended but you do seem to have a very bleak outlook that can be somewhat self fulfilling. Life events happen, but we can choose how to react and respond to them.. They are not done 'to' us as such.

It can be a pain being single. It can also be very liberating.

I know it's hard just at them moment, but if you can find the positives in your situation (did he snore? You never have to listen to that again. Did he hate the smell of fish? You can have smoked salmon for breakfast every day!) it will feel better, even if they are small.

I'm single. I have, possibly, two friends, lots of casual friends, and call on my adult kids if I need help with something. Likewise I help them, if they need me. I belong to lots of groups to do with my job which gives me an illusion of a social life, but I've learned to love being at home by myself.

But then, I have a dog, so...

I think when you've had an easy life it's easy to be glib about it. My life hasnt been easy, most people accept that. It is unusual and hard to go through your entire adult life without friends or family, not unique of course, but in the area I live in, it is very unusual. There are for example relatively few childcare providers because a lot of women don't work, or there are grandparents or other extended family on hand.

I don't feel inadequate. I am sad about my life and I wish the things I can't change were different. I have done my best to change the things I can change. I manage on my own, I did before and I will again, but for those years we were together we were a team, and that was the best feeling in the world. He was on my side, there to support me and vice versa and I've never had that before. He would do anything to make me smile or laugh, so many of the photos of us are where I'm in fits because of something he's said or done. I miss what we had.

I don't think getting a dog is the answer, not here, not now. It was going to be a shared dog, not just my responsibility and I don't think I could cope with finding responsible, reliable dog walkers right now, or the inevitable neighbour fall out. It can wait a few years. It won't make me miss him less.

He didn't snore, we liked all the same food, watched the same sort of films. Admittedly his TV watching leaned more to science and mine to reality TV but we made it work. He smoked occasionally but that never bothered me. Neither of us drink. He used to game a bit but that worked fine because he'd do that while I watched TV, or browsed on my phone. Or sometimes we'd game together.

He certainly wasn't perfect but in terms of irritating personal habits, tastes or hobbies there were none.

And don't get me wrong, I like being home by myself. But I also like a houseful of people. Long ago in my 20s, my house was the party house. I used to love having people round, we had some great nights. When my children were at primary school we had whole class parties for their birthdays which were wonderful, I loved those days. i don't know enough people to even have a party now. I enjoy entertaining but have no one to entertain.

It’s hard when you imagine a life with someone and it doesn’t work out that way. You feel sad and lovely and that is hard but it does seem to me that you are creating reasons and excuses not to improve the situation. Just because something didn’t work before doesn’t mean you can’t try again. Don’t put people in boxes and assume anything, people are often surprised at one of my closest friends, our looks, upbringings, education, interests etc are completely different.
Nobody is going to come along and improve your life for you, only you can do that.

What do you want, OP?

Do you want us to sympathise? Yes, being single can be horrible. It can also be good. Yes, losing a partner can be an awful wrench. It can scar you and sometimes you never properly get over it.

But your 'woe is me and I've had the worst time EVAH' attitude won't win you any friends. People aren't going to come knocking on your door wanting to be friends/lovers. Sometimes you have to overcome your aversion to socialising if you want to meet new people. No, they won't be HIM, and, like I said, maybe you will never get over that particular relationship, but you can make new ones. If you put in the effort.

You don't have close friends because you can't deal with people's "bullshit." Your neighbors are horrible. Do you know anything who you think is worthy of your time? Maybe you should start there, see what you like about those people and try to expand on that?

Honestly OP I have so much sympathy for you but every single one of your posts is about how no one understands, absolutely no one can help, you’re life has been so hard but it seems you think every single person replying to you has had it easier based on nothing. Your neighbours are horrible, everyone else talks bullshit. Counselling will never work.

Have a good wallow and a good cry and then maybe have a think about what positives YOU can change. Maybe keep trying with therapy and just SEE. Maybe give people a bit of a chance before writing them off.

I don't have an aversion to socialising! I have an aversion to facile, irritating people. I can't stand men who use the word hun or have nothing to say for themselves.

I don't expect sympathy, I've never had much of that. I've found in life that I'm often expected to show sympathy for others but it's never forthcoming for me. Much like I've been used as a pair of hands/ bank/ caregiver/ taxi by so called friends yet never received any help back if I asked...they were always too busy.

So I don't expect sympathy. I don't really expect a solution either because there isn't one. It would be nice if someone could tell me that I will hear from him, that we can at least salvage a friendship from the ruins, or that there's a positive reason why I've not heard from him, but really no one can do that.

The future wasn't just my plan, it was our plan. What hurts is that he can do most of it without me. He'll find someone else, he lives in the area, he won't have my money but he's capable of earning enough on his own. I feel like he can replace me far more easily than I can ever replace him. And that is pretty upsetting.

As for getting out there, I've spent my life out there. Trying to make friends, trying to meet a partner. Never turning down a social invitation even when I knew I was only asked as an afterthought. I really have tried. It's tiring. Always being the one to make the effort with potential friends. Even the 2 people I think I can call friends have other people they are closer to than me. A few years ago I realised that I had few real friends, and decided to stop being the one to check in...I've never heard from any of them since other than birthday messages on Facebook!

My neighbours - one set are drug dealing scumbags who play loud music,completely flouted Covid restrictions and are generally pretty shitty neighbours by anyone's standards. Other neighbours have been deeply unpleasant to me in the past, allow their children to damage my property and enter my garden (the gate is locked, they climb the fence) and when pulled up about it badmouthed me to anyone else who would listen. Two other sets of neighbours are new (last 6 months) and seem nice but speak no/ little English so I don't have any interaction with them beyond a nod and smile.

As for people worth my time, my two actual friends are lovely people but they are 100s of miles away and have busy lives. I know maybe 3 others locally who are nice, I get on well with but they have other, better friends, so I'm on the periphery, a coffee or night out once or twice a year and maybe a chat between times if our paths cross, that's the extent of it. All are very different, they are nice people who I enjoy spending time with. They don't use me for what they can get, that's probably the main similarity between them, and the difference from other people I know.

it is unusual and hard to go through your entire adult life without friends or family, not unique of course

I get you OP, i'm like that.
Partly nature, partly childhood neglect and dysfunctional upbringing.

In my 20's i could tolerate the 'game' of superficial conversations and make allowances for people's irritating ways, as everything was 'new' to me so that was my way of compromising in exchange for a social life etc

As i got older i've realised that i don't actually need to put up with things like that.
i enjoy my own company, am extremely resilient and don't need to lower my standards or values just to keep a man in my life.
Or anyone for that matter.

Thank you! I understand what you mean...in my 20s I socialised/ partied a lot. I drank a lot in those days, it made it all more bearable if I was tipsy or drunk. I got myself into some scary situations though because none of the people I socialised with ever gave a shit. At worst I ended up coerced into things I didn't really want to do, but with hindsight it could have been a lot worse. I did all that because having failed to meet a man at uni or work (because I was too much of a chav) my only hope was meeting one on a night out. Except the ones I met were...well, not great. I used to attract pretty much the worst men in the world. My friend (the one I lost touch with 20 odd years ago) met her now husband on a night out with me; he was a nice guy, degree, qualifications, good job. I can safely say I never met anyone like that...I attracted the no hopers, wasters, coke/ speed users, men who thought I was posh because I didn't swear! God thinking back on it is depressing.

I guess it has made me more resilient at least.

I have decided to try yet again with a local group of people I know and reached out to them with just a general message via WhatsApp to our group chat (last message in the group was March, but anyway...). We'll see if anyone replies. It's probably a mark of how uninvolved most people are that no one knows I've split with my Ex apart from one person I saw by chance in the street, and my work colleagues who I had to tell as I needed to take a week off when it happened. I haven't told them because I know I'd at best get a one off 'sorry to hear that' message but nothing more, on the basis that 6 months ago when I suffered a bereavement that's all I got then ,(I've not heard from most people since then).

This is a time of high stress for a lot of people; people are worried about being furloughed and maybe not paid or not having jobs to go back to, so you may not get a reply if your message was 'general'. Why not pose a question that needs an answer (something like 'does anyone know what time XX shop is open tomorrow?') to encourage a reply.

And, unless they are close friends, you probably can't expect more than a 'sorry to hear that' from them. What else can they say?

You sound like my mother now!
She would make a similar comment about people being “uninvolved.”
They’re not mind readers!!! How exactly are they supposed to know you’ve split up when you haven’t told them?
You said you don’t like inane chatter. For many people, inane chatter is the glue. My friend will jump to reply if I tell her I’ve split up - because I will reply when she says, “do you like this bag, or that one?” (she’ll also laugh goodnaturedly when I remind her that I’m not the best person to contribute in bags!) You have to nurture friendships.

The general message I sent basically asked how everyone was, made a little joke about how I'm running out of TV to watch and asked if anyone seen anything good on Netflix they could recommend...which I thought was general enough to get some replies maybe... fingers crossed.

I'm not expecting them to say anything more than sorry about my Ex which is why I feel there's not much point in telling them - obviously if anyone did ask after him directly I'd say we've split up. But like I said, the bereavement just got a couple of sorrys, or even just sad face emojis, so I wouldn't expect a more substantive response for a relationship breakdown.

What exactly are you after here OP,

I have to say your posts don’t paint you in the best light. It’s all very woe is me, no one cares, no one bothers. But then on the other hand no one out there measured up to your standards - be it their small talk or texting skills or what you consider to be an appropriate level of contact or sympathy.

All friendships and relationships take work. No one is perfect - sometimes, you have to make an effort, whether that’s being a sounding board for others or helping when needed. But it’s not tit for tat, as long as people are there when you need them and vice versa.

It sounds like you’ve had some bad experiences / been taken advantage of, but it also sounds like you can’t be bothered with people.

Your whole attitude is negative. Even here people are trying to help but it’s not good enough - you’ve already tried everything.

No one here has a magic wand. If you want relationships with people, including friends, then try to be a bit more positive (and more tolerant) and find some. What about your boyfriend was good - look to join something that might attract similar members, contact your old mates and try to get back into the habit of talking to people. Try to organise something) what about a zoom quiz with work colleagues), there will be something more you can do.

Being lonely is awful and I do feel for you, but no one other than you can change this.

You also sound a bit passive in conversation - if someone asks I’ll they’ll them. Offer something of yourself to get something back. Otherwise people can’t get to know you.

I have honestly made lots of effort for others, even putting them ahead of my own children at times but unfortunately I've never found it reciprocated even in small ways, other than with the 2 people I count as proper friends. It's why meeting my Ex was so great, because it meant I could step back from people I felt at worst used me, or at best I just wasn't particularly close to. It was such a relief to have someone I loved and also had so much common ground with. The example I had of relationships as a child was that a couple should also be best friends, and didn't really need anyone else...which was what we had. I'm so sad it all went wrong and that I don't think we will even salvage a friendship from it.

I think some people have misunderstood me. Maybe I wasn't clear. I like talking about clothes, and shoes and all that stuff...I don't enjoy the so what did you do at the weekend type of convos (we have these a lot at work currently and I find them v hard work) and what I really dislike are those awkward conversations I see men instigating, like I mentioned on the singles group I'm in. All that 'what you up to' 'chilling' etc, use of the world hun, it makes me itch sorry. I know my Ex would loathe all that as well so it isn't just me. I'm happy to talk about things I like, or for people to tell me about stuff they like it are interested in. It's just that small talk stuff where actually no conversation takes place, or where people are just talking about alcohol (as I don't really drink now) is anathema to me. It reminds me of all the shitty dates I went on in the years I was single before I met Ex.