The aftermath of a break up...AIBU to feel this way?

[ellifjg]

I split with my ex a few months ago now. It was a long term relationship and I believed he was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life. I ended it, for valid reasons, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to put things right, to fight for 'us'. He didn't. He did ask to stay friends, we were each others best friends, I don't have any other friends really, they're all more of the fairweather kind and he doesn't even have that...at first I said no, then as the dust settled I thought maybe it could be possible, but when I contacted him to say this, his response was he wasn't sure how it could work, maybe we should try at talk at some point. I agreed, and told him to call me when he was ready...a month on I've heard nothing further.

I've cried a lot, and now I'm in a place where but for the photos of us everywhere in my house and on social media it's like none of it ever happened. I've gone back to the same sad little single life I had before him. And this is probably how I will stay.

I don't have any real friends because I can't stand people's bullshit. I know as soon as it becomes public knowledge I am single again the people who might be loosely termed friends will be faux sympathising over how I can't keep a man, how sad I must feel being alone, all with the subtext of how much of a failure I am because no man has loved me enough to marry me (that's been said to me, more than once!).

I can't be bothered with their shit. But equally I don't see my future anymore. Not in a I want to die way, but my life was a book. The chapters were written but there was a vague plot - relocate together, (semi) retire, get dogs, be happy. And now it's all blank. I can't see what's going to happen. What I mainly see, or fear, is that it's just me on my own forever.

I don't think that's what I want. But equally the thought of ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. Let alone the process of meeting someone, having to tolerate inane conversations with idiots while trying to find someone worthwhile. And then if I do meet someone, what if it all goes wrong again? And next time I'll be a decade older and it'll be even worse than it was last time or the time before.

I just think why did it have to be like this? I know people who met their 'one' at school, or uni, or their first job...why wasn't that me? I never had love (romantic love that is) until my mid 30s...that didn't work out. Then I was single for 6 years, then this. And now I'm alone. Again.

I feel sad about my ex. I miss him a lot. It makes me sad he won't now even be friends. I hate my blank future. I don't know what the answer to all this is...give it time? I feel less upset now, I'm not crying any more, but just empty. I always felt before him like I was living half a life and thats how I feel again. I've lost my best friend, my love, the person who was always on my side. And I don't know how to make my life fuller again.

It sounds like you really need to take some time for just you. YANBU to grieve your relationship. It's OK to feel sad, but don't try to fix other problems with "if only"s from your relationship. If your ex scared you, he really isn't someone you want in your life at all. If he wasn't interested in fighting for the relationship, then he isn't for you. Just let him go, and focus on you. (And at least you didn't have the added complications of living together to sort out).

Friends can come and go, throughout life and I think it's really easy to find yourself feeling alone, especially at the moment. It sounds like now (well, after lockdown) is the right time for you to explore some new friendships. Maybe try some new hobbies out, join some local groups.

There can still be dogs in your future. You can still semi-retire (maybe just a few years later). Think about the future you want, you can still make that happen. If you want to meet someone new, that can happen too, when you're ready for it.

Can't help with DIY though - sorry. If it was me, I'd just put up with the lumpy walls for a bit.

Ok so the moisture from sugar soaping has got behind the paint making it lift? Wipe the walls with a damp (not wet) cloth then use a wide scraper (carefully) to scrape off the bits that are lifting. You may not be able get all of the old paint off. If there are bits that aren't/won't come off, sand the edges of those bits. Then apply a mist coat to the specs on your paint tin - might be 70% emulsion to 30% water or whatever is recommended on the tin. Allow to dry for 24 hours and then 2 coats of the emulsion as normal.

You seen so dismissive of other people that I assume you give off the air that you're somehow so much better than everyone else.
I'm not saying that's what you actually think, it may be a defense mechanism to protect yourself from the nasty uni girls out there.
I have had an absolutely shocking life and suffer crippling social anxiety because of it. But I still have a small select group of friends.. And while their innane chatter does my head in.. They are good, kind, trustworthy people. They are all married or with someone, have busy complicated lives but we meet up, keep in touch.
You might benefit from some cbt therapy to help change your view of people.
Read back what you've posted and try to see it from a perspective friends point of view.. There is a common theme in the subtext.. Its not doing you any favours and I'm hopeful that it's not a true representation of your personality.
I am single and 45. I met my ex husband when I was 17..was with him until 36..after 3yrs divorced I met someone was with him for 4yrs. Now I'm single again. Do I feel a failure.. No.. Do I get lonely sometimes do I let I colour my view of other people no.
As for your ex.. So he's moved on, you agree you've made the correct choice so why have him hanging around like a bad smell. You are mistress of you're own destiny, nobody can make your life better except you. Join some clubs, take up a hobby and let people get to know you. Stop dismissing people as unworthy of your time. That's just as bad as the mean uni girls. Have you considered they may be nervous, anxious etc.
You need to relax and just enjoy being with people.
Maybe take a communication course.
My skill is that I know a little about a lot of things and can chat with just about anyone. I have an IQ of 173 and used to think people we so boring but as I've aged, I find that importance is relative to the people involved. So what is innane to me is important to them so now I join and quite honestly while the subject matter is of no importance to me, I do enjoy being involved. Try it, you may surprise yourself. Good luck and leave the ex where he belongs in your past. Turn to a new page and write your own story.
Take care and be kind to yourself x

Can I just apologise for my appalling typos, seems mobile phones are not conducive to a well written post.

My oldest group of friends usong the term loosely have used me for years. Realising that I distanced myself some time ago. We have nothing in common the only link is they remind me of a happier time in life albeit they weren't particular friends of mine then. People I know locally are busy, some not really my cup of tea. I see them twice a year maybe in a group get together. My two actual friends are 100s of miles away.

I don't chat to people on the phone. Very infrequently my actual friends text and vice versa. The others, even less.

I'm quite adaptable to mixing with people. I went to a work do with my Ex and happily mingled even though I'd only met one person briefly before. But those kind of events don't generate friendships obviously.

I would like to keep my Ex as a friend because despite the failure of our relationship he is the best friend I've ever had. Even when i was young and much less cynical than I am now, I found friends were often cruel and unkind or overly critical, didn't reciprocate my efforts or support or encourage me.

Hang on. Your adult kids live with you? So why can't they help with the DIY, carpets etc?

Amazon will provide a WiFi range extender or a really long wired cable. Then you can work in another room.

Hired a sander and do over the walls. Wipe down with a damp cloth. Mix pva glue with water and do a coat over the walls. When it’s dry paint. Use a good Matt paint to hide the imperfections.

Or employ a decorator.

As for the carpet. Yup, sounds shit and hard. Hire a local handy man to help you or carpet one room at a time.

I’m single 42 and live alone and I find I can hire a guy to help with the basics of decorating/ DIY for £15 an hour. Is there a local shop with a notice board? Make the guy tea and feed them biscuits then point them at whatever is causing you problems!

OP, sorry haven't RTT but as you've returned to the issue of staying friends and whether your ex really wanted to or was manipulating you, iy might be helpful to remember you initially said no to his request then later said yes, not because you were seeking to manipulate him, rather because you'd given it some thought. It might be an idea just to try and give it some time without thinking the worst about him specifically regarding staying friends and see how things go.

Good luck and I hope things get better.

My children help with what they can when they are here,.but they have other priorities understandably.

I've been searching for a handyman type person for years. They are like hen's teeth, and at a rate of ,200-250 a day are not exactly cheap. The ones that are available are usually shit. I had some work done through an insurance claim last year and the people they used were even worse, left my house unlocked (as a result of which I got burgled), did a terrible job painting, didn't seal a sink in (resulting in leaks,). A year on I'm still fighting to get that sorted.

I will somehow get these walls done. I've scraped off what I can, am now waiting for mist coat to dry. In the meantime I've glossed the doors and woodwork which look half decent so that's something. Hoping it'll look ok in the end, I'm only painting it white so at least no cutting in. Worst case I'll end up wallpapering over it (,haven't wallpapered for 20 years so that will be interesting...)

I think when the time comes to do the carpet I'll have to take a week off to shuffle furniture. Have to decorate the hall and landing first though, and my bedroom. However I've painted all those previously myself so I know I'm not going to have the same issue.

£200 A DAY?!

Bloody hell! I've got a bloke that will come round and help shift furniture for £20 and a sandwich. For £200 he'd redecorate my entire house, dig the garden, walk the dog and probably forgo the sandwich...

Don't you have those little local magazines that get put through your door with small trader adverts in? The people that advertise in those tend to be cheaper and also, being very local, they rely on doing good, reliable jobs to get more work in.

It's because I'm in London. My friend who lives in Liverpool pays about 50-60 a day, even for skilled trades, she's had her entire house refurbished to great standard. Here it's a different ballgame. I did have a guy a few years ago who wasn't bad, he's retired back to his home country now but even he was 150 a day (and that was 10 years ago so would be more now).

Second mist coat done. Seems ok so far. Fingers crossed.

£200 p/d seems ok for London! For a skilled decorator, anyway
You own a house in London! I mean bugger me that’s an achievement in itself.

Well it's not Central London, it's Zone 4/5, so for a true Londoner very much not London but for anyone outside London it's easier to say I live in London. Normally I say outer London/ outskirts though in case anyone thinks I'm in some swanky pad in Streatham or Balham or wherever!

Let us know how it goes OP, I’m sure if anything doesn’t work someone on here will have a suggestion and be able to help! I’m good at some bits of DIY but had to google a mist coat so you’re already one up.

OP I was trying to point out that it’s a real achievement! I don’t own a house. In any part of London or anywhere else!!

Thank you - I am guilty of rather taking house ownership for granted, because practically everyone I know owns a house; I shouldn't, I'm the first generation of my family to own a home. I was lucky to be able to buy my first house 23 years ago, when prices were a fraction of what they are now.

Anyway just wanted to update that I am posting from my desk! Paint is on the walls and I have my office back. It's not perfect, there's some bits of skirting that could do with redoing, but it's fine for now. I'm taking the carpets up soon hopefully so will fix that then. Quite pleased and surprised I managed to get it all done and to do what looks like a reasonable job (some paint on the carpet, but that is going so not an issue. Thanks all of you for the support.

Still miss my Ex. But this decorating has kept my mind occupied for the last couple of days at least. I've got 3 other rooms and the stairs to do at some point too, so maybe I need to crack on and get that done...

Excellent news. Hopefully the 'missing of the ex' will lessen day by day. It may be a cliche but it's still true that time is a great healer.

Well done on your new office!

Great news!! 👍👍
Onwards and upwards!

Well done OP, great achievement and more to do in the future, things will look much better.

And more new opportunities will keep opening up, just keep a positive eye on the horizon, you never know what may happen.

How are you doing now OP?

I'm enjoying working in my freshly decorated office, despite the ridiculous heat :)

Keep looking round the rest of the house thinking how shabby it looks now I have one freshly painted room. Am going to crack on with some more painting tonight I think and over the weekend.

I still miss the Ex a lot. I have however reminded myself of a couple of times when he was less encouraging and supportive than he could have been, or certainly than I was to him when the shoe was on the other foot. So that has helped a little, to remember that he like all of us is not perfect. And also that even if he does move on quickly and meet someone else (which is what I keep thinking) they won't be me, and are unlikely to be as good a match for him as I was. Which probably sounds arrogant as hell, sorry, but at least makes me feel better.