The aftermath of a break up...AIBU to feel this way?

[ellifjg]

I split with my ex a few months ago now. It was a long term relationship and I believed he was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life. I ended it, for valid reasons, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to put things right, to fight for 'us'. He didn't. He did ask to stay friends, we were each others best friends, I don't have any other friends really, they're all more of the fairweather kind and he doesn't even have that...at first I said no, then as the dust settled I thought maybe it could be possible, but when I contacted him to say this, his response was he wasn't sure how it could work, maybe we should try at talk at some point. I agreed, and told him to call me when he was ready...a month on I've heard nothing further.

I've cried a lot, and now I'm in a place where but for the photos of us everywhere in my house and on social media it's like none of it ever happened. I've gone back to the same sad little single life I had before him. And this is probably how I will stay.

I don't have any real friends because I can't stand people's bullshit. I know as soon as it becomes public knowledge I am single again the people who might be loosely termed friends will be faux sympathising over how I can't keep a man, how sad I must feel being alone, all with the subtext of how much of a failure I am because no man has loved me enough to marry me (that's been said to me, more than once!).

I can't be bothered with their shit. But equally I don't see my future anymore. Not in a I want to die way, but my life was a book. The chapters were written but there was a vague plot - relocate together, (semi) retire, get dogs, be happy. And now it's all blank. I can't see what's going to happen. What I mainly see, or fear, is that it's just me on my own forever.

I don't think that's what I want. But equally the thought of ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. Let alone the process of meeting someone, having to tolerate inane conversations with idiots while trying to find someone worthwhile. And then if I do meet someone, what if it all goes wrong again? And next time I'll be a decade older and it'll be even worse than it was last time or the time before.

I just think why did it have to be like this? I know people who met their 'one' at school, or uni, or their first job...why wasn't that me? I never had love (romantic love that is) until my mid 30s...that didn't work out. Then I was single for 6 years, then this. And now I'm alone. Again.

I feel sad about my ex. I miss him a lot. It makes me sad he won't now even be friends. I hate my blank future. I don't know what the answer to all this is...give it time? I feel less upset now, I'm not crying any more, but just empty. I always felt before him like I was living half a life and thats how I feel again. I've lost my best friend, my love, the person who was always on my side. And I don't know how to make my life fuller again.

You binned off your ex because he did something that crossed a line with you.

So he, for you, is categorically not a catch.

The guy who laughed about the furniture? I reckon he was laughing in a "ok, we're in a bit of a pickle" way. Not at you.

There are many, many women on here who are a) happily single or b) unhappily with someone.

And there are also many, many women on here in relationships who earn more than their partners; are better at DIY; are physically fitter and stronger.

I read your posts and in my head you sound like Eeyore because everything is just so negative, tiring, depressing , unfair etc etc.

Stop thinking you've lost your Romeo, take off those rose coloured specs and learn to be happy with yourself.

Well your ex sounds like a total dick head the more you post about him.
So in reality it’s better your not friends.

The doctor just managed to minimise how you felt at the time, then you got with your ex and did you think that solved the problems temporarily? And now you’re back to sq 1?

In which case you desperately need to get some talking therapy. I know it’s expensive, but honestly it will really help you to talk through all these things and help you.

Feeling this negative about everyone and everything is a clear sign of depression. And it’s hurting you.

And finding the right therapist is really key, so if one doesn’t fit then try another. Don’t dismiss it. Or you’ll be back on here saying the same things in years to come

Forgive me if I sound dense, but I don't understand how therapy works. My limited experience with our workplace helpline is they just say why do you feel X, or why do you think Y...so you know, why do I feel sad - because I've lost the man I love and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, and also because I feel generally like I've failed and have no supoort, and the only real friends I have live 100s of miles away and I only see them at best once a year.
And why do I think I've failed - because I am capable of more, because it's what people tell me. As an adult my Ex is the only person who has ever told me that I'm good at things, who has praised and encouraged me. I can tell myself this and do but it's hard doing that alone, I know because that's what I've been doing for as long as I can remember.

OK, so you have found a solution to the room. You've accepted that for the moment it will just have to stay as it is. If you can't use extension leads, carry monitors through to set up elsewhere then that's what you do for now. If possible, put a little aside each month with an end goal of having enough to get someone in.
What I think is a positive is that you had the courage to end a much wanted relationship because he broke your boundaries. Many don't do that, they minimise, excuse, overlook because they don't want to have to end it. The fact that you did, decisively, is really good. A relationship ending is not a failure. You have raised two kids. You work and maintain a home. You hse two good friends that you could chat with via zoom etc as all of us are doing right now.
I don't personally like the gp / therapy route but that's just me, I'm a 'fucks sake, just get up and DO something' type but as others have said, it might be that that is to get some help. Either way, you need to try and reframe things. By whose terms have you 'failed'?

Well long term therapy helped me to really think about the core reasons I felt a failure, even though I am not a failure and I doubt you are either.
Made me think about why I stuck it out in an abusive relationship.

All of these things have a deeper reason. And most of those reasons can’t be worked through by just getting up and doing something.

Even from your posts I and others can see that you struggle to deal with your feelings and having a professional to guide you may well hope. But honestly I did it for 3 years, and I spent at least a year going round and round in circles.
Financially it was expensive, but I really think it was worth it. I wouldn’t bother doing it with anyone who you can’t stick with long term. Many offer reduced rates for low income.

Anyway it’s not for everyone, but I think it’s worth trying. It was extremely good for me to have someone unbiased who was on my side.

I feel a failure because I'm not good at things. I don't have a particularly good job. I've wasted money. I'm not very good at DIY or housework and paying people is always a disaster because I end up getting shoddy service so I might as well do it myself. And because people tell me repeatedly that I am one. Or feel sorry for me because I can't keep a relationship. I read something where it was said you should write down all the nice things people say to you. I don't have any from anyone other than my ex.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you.
But I would think it’s a good idea to work out why you have ended up surrounding yourself with people that aren’t positive friends to you.
And your ex may have said some nice things to you, but clearly he did something awful as well. And you’re conflicted about that with good reason.

This is what I mean about digging really deep to work out why you are basically self sabotaging things.

You’ve got a job that needs 3 screens! That doesn’t sound like a crap job.

I’m shit at DIY! That’s not a failing. But why are you blaming yourself for getting shoddy workmen in the past. It’s happened to virtually everyone, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had that problem including myself and I don’t fundamentally blame myself for choosing them? Can’t you see that isn’t healthy.

I’ve said something nice about you on this thread, can you literally not see when people are nice about you? Do you subconsciously just block it out? I used to do that.

Someone could say a sentence about me and I would twist it to make it into a negative. Even if it wasn’t.

Be careful of romanticising you’re ex.
Sliding doors?
Isn’t that pretty much how most people meet other people?
If I hadn’t chosen that uni, that course, rate job, been too tired for that night out, not logged on to Tinder that day...
There is nothing special about a sliding doors moment - it’s just life.

I agree you might benefit from counselling. Doing it properly, not a quick call to a work helpline. I would never consider myself a failure for not being good at housework

You have a good job, your own home, two children, a small number or real friends, you’re obviously literate and self aware, you know more about plastering mist coats than quite a few people on here...

I see lots on social media of people doing all kinds of DIY, and think why can't I do that, feel like I should be able to. I can't even drill a hole in the wall (although our walls are very solid, even my Ex who is very strong could barely manage it, and it took him 3 broken drill bits, so I know that isn't just me). But then I think why am I in a house that has these ridiculous walls? Why did I buy it?

I struggle to problem solve too. Like I need to get my upstairs re carpeted. But all the rooms need to be emptied to have the carpet fitted. I can do this a room at a time, just about. But how can I empty all the rooms at the same time, where would everything go? I could move some things downstairs I suppose, but wardrobes, mattresses, I couldn't do that I don't think. It just overwhelms me trying to work it out.

Fuck me! If I compared myself to people on social media I would throw myself off the nearest tall building!!

Stop looking at it.

You have solved your carpet problem, you do it one room at a time and move it into the other rooms. All small stuff downstairs. You’ve actually just said outloud what you should do.

It's easy to think of what I don't have I suppose. What I could or should have done better rather than what I have done ok. My ex taught me to drive, encouraged me to see it as something I could do. I tried as a teenager but it didn't stick. I love it now, will drive anywhere, and think to myself regretfully why didn't I do it sooner. I should be happy I've done it really (and I am, it's just dulled by thinking why did I leave it so long).

I think you're just overwhelmed rather than depressed. Of course you are sad, your life has just changed, but I don't think you need to rush to medicate sadness - it's a natural emotion.

As to the room - why don't you just do a gash job? Slap some paint up over the paint that's there (most modern paint shouldn't need sugar soaping) to make it look tidier. If you're working in there it doesn't need to be perfect, the walls just need to be up. Make it feel like 'your space' then get the furniture in and get cracking.

Most of us have loved and lost someone we hoped would be with us for life. That's the way it goes, and it takes a long time to accept that it's just us now, on our own. I had my my heart utterly shattered nine years ago. Thought I'd die. If it hadn't been for my kids, I would have done.

Now I'm single, solvent and happier than ever. Realising just how much I compromised for him, although, at the time, i thought I was the happiest I could be and we were made for each other. But life is better now.

You will get there. Unfortunately, it takes time, sometimes a very long time.

What about online friends? I'm sure there are forums like this, where you can chat and talk about stuff that interests you. Over time you make virtual friends and yes, it's not the same as real life ones, but the relationships can be as real and deep as you want and need.

How old are your kids and what’s your job? I do think you are in a very negative mindset but it’s not been long since you split up and it takes time to feel better. Try and give yourself a break. Most people feel shitty and down on life when a LTR ends for quite a while.

As for therapy that’s nothing like calling a helpline for a short while every now and then. Proper therapy involves building a safe and supportive working relationship with your therapist who gives you the space to work through your sadness and unhappiness. That also takes time, it can’t really be done via a helpline although helplines are a great resource for people in immediate crisis.

I’d look to see if there is an affordable therapy service in your area and consider if you can find a therapist. It sounds like a lot of people around you have been quite cruel and judgemental and that can end up feeling like all people are like that - but it’s really not the case. Maybe you could think about relocating eventually (depends on how old your kids are etc), especially if where you live now isn’t the sort of community that’s nurturing for you.

OP how old are your DC? I assume they have left home? Are you still in contact with them?

Your ex wasn't a catch, he hurt you. No matter how the situation arose, he was the type of person to hurt someone else. So you did the right thing there.
DIY - get a dust sheet to cover your monitor set up whilst you decorate, an hour or so in the evenings. It's taken us all of lockdown to do the hall, a job I started on impulse one evening, peeling off wallpaper and then all the plaster started coming off.

Do you have any hobbies or pastimes?

I work in financial services. Children are over 18, living at home currently but they are not around much. Relocating was my intention (I was going to relocate to live with Ex, obviously that now won't be happening) but it's more difficult now I need to be in the office 2 days a week. And if course if I can't sort out this bloody room I'll never be able to sell my house anyway!

I don't really have hobbies, I've never had time. I quite enjoy quizzes, and I parkrun. That's pretty much it unfortunately.

OK then we're entering a new era. Don't look back at what hasn't happened in your life up to now, you have successfully raised your children, and now is time for more independence.

How involved do you get at parkrun? I'm an RD at my local event, and there is always plenty to do and more to get involved with, and people to meet and befriend who are definitely not ok-hunners.
Could you sign up as an RD?

They have a very commited team at our parkrun, occasionally they do ask for extra volunteers but it's always been on weeks I had plans with Ex and couldn't go. I have tried to talk to people there but everyone is with friends and family, except for what I'd call the elite runners who finish in 15-20 mins (and pass me on their way home when I'm still 2/3 way round!). I'm hoping that when lockdown lifts I might get a chance to volunteer (as my weekends are pretty empty now)

Once it's back, I would definitely put yourself forward. Don't wait for weeks when they need extras, just say you'd love to be part of the team and try a variety of all the roles. In my experience the more the merrier.
Ours is a junior event, but when people volunteer we always make an effort to include them. And it's a great way to stick around and chat to people, especially doing stuff like results processing.
And then you can travel to other events in other regions, volunteer to help there, set yourself up with a challenge like doing an ABC.
Having a focus in life, no matter how trivial it might seem to other people, is great to get the ball rolling in feeling more positive, finding your identity, building your confidence and making new friends.

I would actually say that parkrun is one of the few times I've enjoyed living round here, and felt included. I like the fact people seem to look out for each other, that even the 'elite' say stuff like keep going or well done as I sweatily and slowly jog past them, red faced and puffing. They're nice people. It does feel like a bit of a community.

OP I can't help with your ex situation but hopefully I can help with the decorating situation. Is it the new paint that you've put on that is peeling?

No it's the existing paint that was done when the room was plastered years ago. Looking at it, it seems that silk paint was put straight onto plaster with no mist coat. Hence the peeling...

Sorry I should say the peeling started when I sugar soaped the walls ready for repainting.

OK, so parkrun re-starting is a future opportunity.
The DIY isn't your fault, you are having to correct a bodge job from years ago. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, it's just going to be an absolute ballache and you're going to have to do it alongside working in the room. But there's no shortcut that I know of.

Once it's done, it will be worth the effort. DIY is 90% preparation.