The aftermath of a break up...AIBU to feel this way?

[ellifjg]

I split with my ex a few months ago now. It was a long term relationship and I believed he was the one I'd be with for the rest of my life. I ended it, for valid reasons, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to put things right, to fight for 'us'. He didn't. He did ask to stay friends, we were each others best friends, I don't have any other friends really, they're all more of the fairweather kind and he doesn't even have that...at first I said no, then as the dust settled I thought maybe it could be possible, but when I contacted him to say this, his response was he wasn't sure how it could work, maybe we should try at talk at some point. I agreed, and told him to call me when he was ready...a month on I've heard nothing further.

I've cried a lot, and now I'm in a place where but for the photos of us everywhere in my house and on social media it's like none of it ever happened. I've gone back to the same sad little single life I had before him. And this is probably how I will stay.

I don't have any real friends because I can't stand people's bullshit. I know as soon as it becomes public knowledge I am single again the people who might be loosely termed friends will be faux sympathising over how I can't keep a man, how sad I must feel being alone, all with the subtext of how much of a failure I am because no man has loved me enough to marry me (that's been said to me, more than once!).

I can't be bothered with their shit. But equally I don't see my future anymore. Not in a I want to die way, but my life was a book. The chapters were written but there was a vague plot - relocate together, (semi) retire, get dogs, be happy. And now it's all blank. I can't see what's going to happen. What I mainly see, or fear, is that it's just me on my own forever.

I don't think that's what I want. But equally the thought of ever being with anyone else makes me feel sick. Let alone the process of meeting someone, having to tolerate inane conversations with idiots while trying to find someone worthwhile. And then if I do meet someone, what if it all goes wrong again? And next time I'll be a decade older and it'll be even worse than it was last time or the time before.

I just think why did it have to be like this? I know people who met their 'one' at school, or uni, or their first job...why wasn't that me? I never had love (romantic love that is) until my mid 30s...that didn't work out. Then I was single for 6 years, then this. And now I'm alone. Again.

I feel sad about my ex. I miss him a lot. It makes me sad he won't now even be friends. I hate my blank future. I don't know what the answer to all this is...give it time? I feel less upset now, I'm not crying any more, but just empty. I always felt before him like I was living half a life and thats how I feel again. I've lost my best friend, my love, the person who was always on my side. And I don't know how to make my life fuller again.

I'm going to post some bits I've copied as pasted from other threads on MN. These are not my words but they have massively helped me.

I heard a theory once about this ‘being friends’ thing, and it’s really turned out to be true in my (wide) experience.

You and this guy started as strangers, moved to friends (even if only briefly!) then lovers. If you really want to go back to friends, you have to go through a strangers phase again first. You can’t just go backwards in the cycle.

Get on with your life, let him get on with his. No contact, other than absolutely necessary practical matters. Otherwise, apart from anything, what will you have to talk about oh so casually?? Your relationship is what, and that’s not friendship is it?

Of course you will start to feel better soon. When that happens, maybe have a long look at (with a counsellor?) why you invest soooo much in a man and his feelings for you? Finding a life partner doesn’t need to be this devastating. Somehow or other you need to be responsible for more of your own happiness in life. No other person or pet or child will fill that hole. Certainly no impossible fairytale bloke will.

When heartache (not break, it stays in tact) has come visiting in my life, it has helped me a lot to really concentrate on my sense of dignity. I’ve literally dragged myself off the sofa, into a shower, into clothes and sorted my hair. You are not a broken, wailing animal. You are a proud strong woman who can definitely make adult choices (like staying off her phone). You come from a long line of tough women, who faced worse than this. They are standing behind you now, hands on shoulders, going far back in time. They are all saying ‘You’ve got this, wallowing time is over’.

The phrase ‘Pull yourself together’ is widely used because a) it is a real solution to loads of modern problems, and b) because ‘pull’ implies there’s some effort involved. It’s an effort that will pay off. Promise.

...

A scab never heals if you pick at it. That is what you are doing everytime you check up on him.

...

You’ll feel a hundred different emotions each day. I did. I do. Anger/hate/bitterness/sadness/missing him/loving him/ wanting him back/forgiving him/wishing him a happy life/wanting to stalk him/wanting to know why he’s happier without me/ forgiving him/ hating him/wishing him a horrific life/ anger/ hate...you get the drift.

It’s normal. It gets better, it definitely does. Nothing doesn’t get better unless you don’t want it to.

...

Another thing I have learnt is that I don't need to DO anything about heartache. For years I got this intense urge to contact the other person when I was sad. I fooled myself that it was to be friendly or to see how they were, etc. Really, it was everything to do with trying to make myself feel better. So now I have taught myself that when I am feeling emotional, I do nothing. Nothing has to be done right there and then. The urge will pass. If it doesn't, then I can contact them later. But usually, when the intense emotion has passed, I no longer want to.

...

I think the second someone breaks up with you they become elevated to super-human status instead of being the flawed people they are.

Ok...

Except it is the friendship part of us I miss the most. I'm having a completely shit time today trying to fix a house related problem created by my DCs dad and I wish I had my Ex to speak to, to offer a solution. Because I know he'd have one, that he would help. And right now thats exactly what I need because I can't resolve this issue on my own and there's no one else who can help me. But I can't call him either so I am just alone with it.

You are the creator of your own destiny. You made this choice for valid reasons so you did the right thing!!! Doesn't mean the right thing is remotely easy in the short term. But in the long term you will realise, as for your book analogy you are on a new chapter.... song unwritten by Natasha beddingfield springs to mind! It's scary but it's exciting. Get yourself on online dating and find the man who truly deserves you (if you want another relationship) or find some hobbies where you can make friends. Also watch Sliding doors- terrible acting but shows what could happen if you settle for rubbish!

There’ll be someone on here who can offer a good solution to your house problem!
Plus... it’s nice to have people to bounce things off - but have faith in yourself. I expect you can come up with a solution yourself too.

Sliding Doors was a film we used to reference often, as for various reasons we almost didn't meet, it was very much by chance. It so easily might not have happened.

I had no choice to do what I did but whilst I don't exactly regret it, I regret that we ended up in that situation.

I can't live the rest of my life alone but I am not in the right headspace for dating yet, the fake compliments and flattery and 'banter' and all that nonsense, eww it just turns my stomach. In time perhaps I'll feel better able to cope but I know I'm not there yet.

My solution has taken 8 hours of time I don't have. I need to get the whole thing done in the next 48 hours and frankly short of working through the night it's impossible, I could cry. I'll try asking on one of the other boards. Hopefully no one will tell me to get my partner to help...

Yes the premise of sliding doors was fate and you made the decision, it's more look what happens when you stick with rubbish rather than finding happiness whether that be with a partner or without.

Dating you are right might be too soon, but you need to start working on that mental state you suggested it's all fake, banter superficial. If you go in with relationships and friendships with that mental attitude then you will more than likely get that.

It's easy for me to say move on and I know it takes a long time to make peace with a past relationship. But you need to start seeing this a fab start to an exciting journey, be positive. Be open to making new friends and you will realise in time this was the right choice. Good luck to you.

What's the actual immediate problem? Lots of us are quite handy in various ways

You still sound very hung up on your ex OP. It almost sounds like you relied on him for your every emotion, situation and even your being. He was clearly your soulmate but, as you’ve said, he crossed a line that you found unacceptable.

You really need to try to move on. There won’t be anyone like your ex but there will be someone different. As a PP said, it’s almost like you wanted him to fight for you but didn’t and now you’re alone, and resent him for it.

You seem to pick fault with other folk regarding their conversations and interests. You clearly mourn the loss of your ex as he fulfilled many roles for you. I’m just wondering if you might be an “all or nothing” type of person where you seek someone who’ll be your partner, friend, sibling, neighbour, parent etc... who understands you 100% and nothing else will do.

Please talk to your GP as I think your view of relationships with other people might be a bit skewed at the moment. You clearly need to get a perspective and mourning the loss of a partner and dismissing day to day conversations is a sign that you might have lost perspective.

All good wishes to you OP. I understand.

I've just posted the prob on another thread but here goes:

Decorating- have a few days off to do this. This morning I clean and empty room to be decorated. Fill holes, cracks etc. Wash walls with sugar soap.

Paint starts to peel. Wash more, more is coming off if I rub it.

Pretty sure whats happened is that when DC's dad decorated 10 or so years ago and room was newly plastered, he's not done a mist coat.

I've tried peeling the paint but the pieces are finger sized. With that and sanding ive done 50% of 1 wall in 8 hours. I need to get all the painting done and room back together in th next 48 hours, what on earth can I do?

Is the time limit because that's when someone returns needing their bedroom, or is it because that's when you go back to work?

Whichever it is, you don't need to panic. Yes, it's BLOODY ANNOYING and no doubt one more thing in the long litany to be chalked up against dcd, but the house isn't going to fall down or lose 20% of its value if it spends a month or even three in a bit of a mess.

I have no idea about the practicalities, but is there likely to be a fast fix? I mean, if the only thing to be done is to sand away all the useless paint (maybe give it a skim depending on how awful it is afterwards) and then properly mist coat before starting, then all your ex's imagination and positivity and support wouldn't actually change any of that.

You'd just feel better about it because you'd be infected by his attitude. Try doing it for yourself. Instead of thinking "fuck fuck fuck why is it all going wrong" say to yourself "well, I didn't expect that. Idiot man. Oh well, at least I know I'm going to do things properly. There's no way this will be painted before I go back to work, but hey ho, benefits to lockdown and all that."

OP, why did you break up with him?

Sorry if you’ve already said and I missed it

100% therapy. And stick with it. Your posts are hard to read, and I’m sure in real life you’re not as you come across. But I get why you’re angry and frustrated but it seems almost like it’s everyone else’s fault that you feel like you do.
At some point you have to stop all of that, because the only person it hurts is you.

If your partner crossed a line physically with you then you took the best course of options to you.

But again. Therapy.

And why do you have to get the room finished in 48 hours, it seems like another thing that you’ve set up as a fail.

OP, why did you break up with him?

He must have done something catastrophic for you to bin him off like that.

I have to have it finished. This is my office, I can't work elsewhere in the house. These 3 days are the only time I have to get it done. I can't use the room as it is. So I have to get it done but it's impossible. I've spent another hour and done a tiny patch about a foot square. I can't sand any more because the dust is making my chest hurt.

I can't make this positive on my own, I just can't. It just feels completely overwhelming.

It shouldn't be too difficult. Other people decorate a room in a day, I had 3. I have to get it done somehow.

And yes I probably expected too much of my Ex, he had to be too many people, but that's how it is.. the only thing I could change was to make more friends.

He hurt and scared me. He crossed a line. I had to end it. I wish it hadn't happened.

You pick v bad friends you say he is your best friend but he has done or does things unforgivable so he is not your friend
And your other friends are going to say horrible things to you when they find out you are single
Find some new nice friends

Of course you can work in an office that’s not fully finished. Don’t be absurd. You’re catastrophising it.

Jesus. Work in another room. Get a plasterer / decorator in. They can and are working, maintaining SD etc. I hate this expression usually but you are sounding like somewhat hard work.

Sorry, why can't you work in another room? Drag the desk through, move the printer, whatever. You do know people have been working 6 figure salary jobs at kitchen tables smeared with peanut butter yes?

@ellifjg I hope this doesn’t sound harsh but you sound very depressed. Everything is incredibly negative, everyone else is awful, nothing can be salvaged from anything, every thing that happens can’t have a single positive. You must be exhausted. I’ve felt like that in the past and it just takes it out of you hugely. I really do think you should see the GP and get everything off your chest and see what they say. Put it all in someone else’s hands even for 10 minutes.

If he hit you or got close to it - which is what it sounds like - then you’re better off without him, without him trying to win you back or be your friend. You never ever ever need someone like that in your life.

I'm sorry if I seem hard work. Maybe I am, I don't know.

I have to work from that room because our WiFi is poor that room has a wired connection. Also I work off 3 monitors, so it is hard to set this up elsewhere in the house.

Anyway I've decided that I will have to put everything back, finished or not, and complete it on the weekend and probably next weekend too. I don't really have the money for a decorator, and the timings would be difficult. So I've solved the issue of working at least.

I feel like I've failed though. I feel like that a lot. Like I've not achieved enough in life, work wise and personally, like I can't even achieve a basic thing like decorating a room. I did mention feeling I've failed to our workplace counsellor, but they just asked why I felt that...and I don't know. Because it's true? Because it's something I've been told many times - even by my ex albeit in his case it was in a nice way (is he would say that I should have a better job that uses my qualifications and skills properly)

I don't know if I'm depressed. I spoke to my GP (a few years back now, before I met my ex) because I felt sad and tearful a lot, can't remember the other symptoms, but he said that if I was still working - I was - and living life normally, if I was able to laugh and not feeling upset all day every day then that was just normal...so I don't know if he would do anything now because it's kind of similar?

I understand you absolutely OP. Although I don't think you should be friends as this will just keep reminding you of the feelings you had for him.
I think the melancholy and regrets will continue, especially at night, until you re-organise your life so that you are once again enjoying the present.

Once you have created some happy memories without him and are actively looking forward to other things, then you will have hope and fewer regrets.

You know you did the right thing as had you stayed you would have felt even worse as your self esteem would have gone.

All the best - do the things you always wanted to. Make them happen somehow.