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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling on edge about going out because I keep bumping into this strange man who was pestering me

115 replies

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 13:52

I have name changed for the purpose of this thread. I need to preface this post by telling you I have significant anxiety and poor mental health stemming from a decade of abuse. It is because of those factors that my reaction to situations like this will differ greatly to that of more resilient women who may feel able to simply say "do one mate"

A couple of weeks ago when I was on my way to the shops I was stopped by a dodgy looking man, I say dodgy because he was intimidating to look at. He was wearing a hood, had what looked like a home made tattoo on his face, a scruffy beard and a large dog with him.

I was wearing headphones so I couldn't hear whatever he was saying and when he realised that he stepped into my path and gestured for me to remove the headphones.

He then asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes.

I told him I couldn't stop as I have an appointment and continued to walk but he wasn't deterred and kept walked alongside me trying to get me to stop and chat. He asked where I live and I said the opposite side of town (he had actually caught me 5 minutes from where I live) and he said oh ok, I live on that street there - gesturing to one within walking distance of my own road.

He was making me very uncomfortable and kept asking me for my telephone number. I decided I would give him a false number so I could be left in peace.

As I began to recite an 07... he said hang on let me put your name in first then I'll call you now so you have my number too.

I then panicked and wondered how he would respond to realising the number was false so I told him my name was something else and gave the correct number. Huge mistake but I just wanted to get out of there and I've first hand experience of men becoming abusive when rejected and he was giving me the creeps.

I managed to get away from him with him saying he would text me later. I immediately blocked the number from calling and texting and that was that.

Around a week later I'm out with my mother and my young child in the pram and I see him coming up the street again, I put my head down and walked straight past quickly. He didn't say anything but stopped in his tracks and stared.

Half an hour later I get a message on WhatsApp (it didn't occur to check whether he used that) and it's him asking if I would "start seeing him" and that he hasn't stopped thinking about me. At this point I respond and say sorry I'm not interested I have a partner.

He replied several times but i deleted the message thread without opening them.

I didn't want to block him as it was clear I would keep bumping into him and didn't want him to have a reason to be aggressive the next time I saw him in the street. I had been polite but firm and hoped that would be the end of it.

Then today I'm going to my local supermarket and he's coming up the street in my direction again so I keep my headphones in and look down and rush past. He doesn't say anything but slows down and stares.

Sure enough within the hour he's texting again on WhatsApp, sending me conspiracy theory posts. I then block him on that application so he has no way of getting in touch at all.

Whenever I see him he ignites my anxiety and I'm scared of him approaching me the next time he sees me. It doesn't look like I can avoid him as when I have seen him it's either on my local high street or near my house

He hasn't committed a crime so it's not a police matter but he makes me feel unsafe and I get a terrible vibe from him, like he's dangerous.

I can't not use my local supermarket and I can't not use the high street.

Do you think he'll get bored or do I have a problem on my hands?

OP posts:
mamasiz · 20/06/2020 14:07

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m sure that someone will post on here with better advice but I do think this is something you can speak to the Police about, via 101 or by going to a police station in person. I found this page and some of this info may help. It’s not on that this man is making you feel the way that you do - you should be able to walk around outside without fear. www.gov.uk/report-stalker

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 14:08

Thank you so much mama, I will go to the link now.

I'm not the most rational of people when my anxiety takes hold so I couldn't be sure whether I was over reacting or whether this man poses a potential problem for me.

OP posts:
mamasiz · 20/06/2020 14:10

No problem at all. I couldn’t read and run as you sound so worried. Let us know how you get on xx

acatcalledjohn · 20/06/2020 14:11

You aren't overreacting at all. Given your levels of anxiety, and the fact he has contacted you several times already, I would suggest ringing 101 to first of all log his contact and secondly to ask for their advice on how to handle it efficiently.

Thanks
Euclid · 20/06/2020 14:12

Why don't you go out a few times with your partner in the hope that this man will see you together and will back off?

RhodaDendron · 20/06/2020 14:13

How horrible for you. You are not being unreasonable and you are doing the right thing in blocking him. Would it help to rehearse what you might say if you see him again? Practice saying ‘please leave me alone, I’m not interested’ in a firm neutral voice? Do make a note of his hassling you because repeatedly ignoring your requests to be left alone should be reported to police.

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/06/2020 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

acatcalledjohn · 20/06/2020 14:15

By giving him your number you've indicated that you're interested, to be fair. Why did you do that?

Fear. As very clear from the OP.

user1471592953 · 20/06/2020 14:15

You should definitely report him. He sounds scary. I don’t have anxiety myself but I would be very worried about this.

acatcalledjohn · 20/06/2020 14:16

And even if she initially was interested she's allowed to change her mind, no questions asked.

mamasiz · 20/06/2020 14:18

I don’t think that’s a helpful comment @Thisismytimetoshine - the OP has explained her anxiety and this man is clearly persistent - a lot of women would do the same when put on the spot and also may be worried about the reaction of the man when found to have given an incorrect number. The police can decide whether it is a matter for them or not.

ClosedDoors · 20/06/2020 14:20

You're allowed to be rude to men who pester you. You don't have to be polite and nice to them. Women have been conditioned to be, and it fucks me off.

Tell him in a loud voice to "Please leave me alone, I have already told you I'm not interested". Repeat each time.

Save the messages. If he continues they may be useful to give to the police if you choose to make a formal report.

TSSDNCOP · 20/06/2020 14:22

I don't think you are overreacting. I do think you should send one very clear text: I am not interested in a friendship with you. Please do not approach or contact me again. Then block and delete the number from your device.

Screen shot his messages and if you have any further contact after the text take them to you local police station for advice on how to proceed.

UnfinishedSymphon · 20/06/2020 14:23

Change your number definitely

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 14:27

Fear was the reason I handed over my number yes, I was going to give a false one but he was making sure that didn't happen by saying he wanted to ring my phone whilst I'm stood there.

I thought I made myself very clear in the message I did send him by saying I'm not interested and I have a partner. I was clear and to the point.

It's the fact that didn't deter him which has made me feel like I have cause for concern. I'm also worried about him figuring out where I actually live because it's fairly close to him.

I was taking my child to nursery and saw somebody closely resembled him, again with a hood up so I couldn't be sure, and felt as though i had to keep looking over my shoulder.

Despite my anxiety it's unusual for me to feel so completely frightened of somebody, the vibe he gives off is awful.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/06/2020 14:27

@ClosedDoors

You're allowed to be rude to men who pester you. You don't have to be polite and nice to them. Women have been conditioned to be, and it fucks me off.

Tell him in a loud voice to "Please leave me alone, I have already told you I'm not interested". Repeat each time.

Save the messages. If he continues they may be useful to give to the police if you choose to make a formal report.

Men have also been conditioned to think this unfortunately. And they can react poorly.

I find a weird hybrid of nice and firm works best. Big fake smile, "no thanks" loudly and then headphones in and ignore.

Absolutely have a chat with a police officer. And have a good physical description of him.

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 14:28

I will be changing my number first thing tomorrow yes, I'm backing up my contacts now and will get a new simcard in the morning.

OP posts:
MagentaRocks · 20/06/2020 14:33

It is absolutely the right thing to do to contact the police. I know others have said he hasn't committed a crime but this is sometimes how stalking starts. If you have made it clear you don't want contact he should abide by that. If he doesn't it is harassment at best, stalking at worst. Please start keeping a record of contact, what he says/does, what you say do etc. If he continues to bother you he can be given a harassment warning. If it then continues he could be arrested.

Don't let anyone on here or in real life minimise this. It is scaring you and that isn't on.

PumpkinP · 20/06/2020 14:35

I’m taking it you don’t actually have a partner?

NameChange84 · 20/06/2020 14:36

Does he just happen to be in the area genuinely or is following you/working out your patterns?

3 incidents in a week is seen as stalking officially.

You CAN inform the police about this and should. They will go round and say you do not want any further contact. If he continues then you can start more official proceedings against him.

Do NOT be nice to him.

Read the Gift of Fear.

Seriously there is nothing wrong with “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”. It’s safer that then being nice to men like this.

NameChange84 · 20/06/2020 14:38

Oh and if you think you are being followed home get yourself to the nearest shop and call the police. Tell them you are being followed home by a stranger who has been harassing you.

Bluebird3456 · 20/06/2020 14:41

This sounds really scary. I agree with PP; change your number, and ring 101 for advice and to log what's happened so far.

I don't want to scare you even more but I would also suggest getting a personal alarm and/or downloading an app such as bSafe or Hollie Guard to your phone. When you activate the app they will send an alert to a specified contact so they can call for help for you, and also your phone will start recording for evidence purposes.

dworky · 20/06/2020 14:44

If it continues, contact paladinservice.co.uk/

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 14:44

I don't actually have a partner I said that hoping it would deter him from bothering me.

I'm almost certain that he lives where he told me he did, because he's always in that vicinity when I see him. It's a 4-5 minute walk from the road I live on so I'm weary of him having figured out that I live nearby and not miles away like I said initially.

OP posts:
Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 14:45

Some very good advice here thank you!

OP posts: