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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling on edge about going out because I keep bumping into this strange man who was pestering me

115 replies

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 13:52

I have name changed for the purpose of this thread. I need to preface this post by telling you I have significant anxiety and poor mental health stemming from a decade of abuse. It is because of those factors that my reaction to situations like this will differ greatly to that of more resilient women who may feel able to simply say "do one mate"

A couple of weeks ago when I was on my way to the shops I was stopped by a dodgy looking man, I say dodgy because he was intimidating to look at. He was wearing a hood, had what looked like a home made tattoo on his face, a scruffy beard and a large dog with him.

I was wearing headphones so I couldn't hear whatever he was saying and when he realised that he stepped into my path and gestured for me to remove the headphones.

He then asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes.

I told him I couldn't stop as I have an appointment and continued to walk but he wasn't deterred and kept walked alongside me trying to get me to stop and chat. He asked where I live and I said the opposite side of town (he had actually caught me 5 minutes from where I live) and he said oh ok, I live on that street there - gesturing to one within walking distance of my own road.

He was making me very uncomfortable and kept asking me for my telephone number. I decided I would give him a false number so I could be left in peace.

As I began to recite an 07... he said hang on let me put your name in first then I'll call you now so you have my number too.

I then panicked and wondered how he would respond to realising the number was false so I told him my name was something else and gave the correct number. Huge mistake but I just wanted to get out of there and I've first hand experience of men becoming abusive when rejected and he was giving me the creeps.

I managed to get away from him with him saying he would text me later. I immediately blocked the number from calling and texting and that was that.

Around a week later I'm out with my mother and my young child in the pram and I see him coming up the street again, I put my head down and walked straight past quickly. He didn't say anything but stopped in his tracks and stared.

Half an hour later I get a message on WhatsApp (it didn't occur to check whether he used that) and it's him asking if I would "start seeing him" and that he hasn't stopped thinking about me. At this point I respond and say sorry I'm not interested I have a partner.

He replied several times but i deleted the message thread without opening them.

I didn't want to block him as it was clear I would keep bumping into him and didn't want him to have a reason to be aggressive the next time I saw him in the street. I had been polite but firm and hoped that would be the end of it.

Then today I'm going to my local supermarket and he's coming up the street in my direction again so I keep my headphones in and look down and rush past. He doesn't say anything but slows down and stares.

Sure enough within the hour he's texting again on WhatsApp, sending me conspiracy theory posts. I then block him on that application so he has no way of getting in touch at all.

Whenever I see him he ignites my anxiety and I'm scared of him approaching me the next time he sees me. It doesn't look like I can avoid him as when I have seen him it's either on my local high street or near my house

He hasn't committed a crime so it's not a police matter but he makes me feel unsafe and I get a terrible vibe from him, like he's dangerous.

I can't not use my local supermarket and I can't not use the high street.

Do you think he'll get bored or do I have a problem on my hands?

OP posts:
Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 20:04

@Casschops

OK stick his number on here we can bombard him with back off messages.
This made me smile Grin

If/when I move (within the next year hopefully) I will gladly

OP posts:
Casschops · 20/06/2020 20:07

OP the man that used to harangue me as a teenager on the bus really didn't like it when I did my best Stoppit and Tidy up impression. Every time he came near I shouted baaaaaaaaaaaah with my gob wide open. I was so much less desirable.

forgetthehousework · 20/06/2020 20:16

If you are friendly with your neighbours it might be worth letting them know in case he finds out where you live and starts hanging around.

When I lived by myself something like this happened and several neighbours were more than happy to suggest he moved on!
It was very scary and it was only once for me; definitely tell the police and get one of those personal alarms that are earsplittingly loud. Have it in your pocket when you go out and keep it by the door when you are in - and keep the chain on the door when you open it, which will give you enough time to use the alarm.

ThickFast · 20/06/2020 20:23

This sounds scary. Also, it doesn’t make a difference if you’d given him your number. It’s still not your fault. As soon as you said you weren’t interested he should have stopped texting. I’d walk the long way round to shops. Just think of it as extra exercise. Defo phone police and log it. Also maybe get CCTV on your front door. And make a note of his clothes, eg colour etc so you can tell police. Hope he fucks off soon.

NameChange84 · 20/06/2020 20:28

@Anxietyandmyself I’ve just remembered, it might reassure you, the police put a marker on my home when I report him. A PCSO did regular patrols and they said if I called 999 they’d send a car round anytime day or night and I had an allocated officer who liaised with me. I even peered out my window worried sick and saw my designated officer sat in the car outside my house. He saw me. Waved and then knocked on the door and told me to get some sleep and relax as he was keeping an eye on both my house and his and he wasn’t going anywhere for an hour.

NameChange84 · 20/06/2020 20:29

Sorry, “worried sick at midnight”.

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 20:30

I'm friendly with one side of neighbours, the other side has just moved in. I can definitely mention it to the ones I speak to just incase he does find out where I live.

I find this guy to be really strange. He didn't approach me today only to wait until I'm out of sight and then send me strange messages.

I will attatch here what he sent me if it loads. See picture.

I could do with the extra exercise to be fair so I will be taking the long route from now on.

Forgetthehouse, that sounds very frightening I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I despise these men who trample all over boundaries and harass women.

OP posts:
Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 20:32

[quote NameChange84]@Anxietyandmyself I’ve just remembered, it might reassure you, the police put a marker on my home when I report him. A PCSO did regular patrols and they said if I called 999 they’d send a car round anytime day or night and I had an allocated officer who liaised with me. I even peered out my window worried sick and saw my designated officer sat in the car outside my house. He saw me. Waved and then knocked on the door and told me to get some sleep and relax as he was keeping an eye on both my house and his and he wasn’t going anywhere for an hour.[/quote]
That's brilliant service from the police, it's great that they were taking it seriously. It doesn't bare thinking about if these bastards were left to get away with terrorising people.

I will positively shit myself if he finds out where I live and starts hanging about. I've had something like that happen many years ago and it's horrible not feeling safe at home.

The photo didn't attatch, I'll try again. this is what he sent me.

Feeling on edge about going out because I keep bumping into this strange man who was pestering me
OP posts:
forgetthehousework · 20/06/2020 20:38

@Anxietyandmyself Flowers

Thanks, it was decades ago now, but reading your experience did remind me of how vulnerable I felt. It also made me grateful for all the good people I've known - I am lucky, they far outnumber the bad Smile

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/06/2020 20:42

I think I would go to the police. He’s contacted you following a clear “no”.

nolovelost · 20/06/2020 20:42

That's not normal behaviour and stalkerish, and worrying, You need to log it with the police and not interact with him next time. He could have seen where you live if he's following you. Lock your doors at all times.

doorbellringer · 20/06/2020 20:47

Type his number into Google. It might link to his Facebook and give you more info, handy if you take it to the police. Sending hugs 💐

LillianBland · 20/06/2020 20:48

@Thisismytimetoshine

By giving him your number you've indicated that you're interested, to be fair. Why did you do that? He hasn't actually approached you since you blocked him? This really isn't a police matter.
Wow. It didn’t take long for a victim Beamer to pop on here, did it?
LillianBland · 20/06/2020 20:49

*blamer

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 20:49

I only ever sent him one message which said i'm not interested and I have a partner, I haven't responded to anything else since and won't stand and talk to him if he approaches me outside.

When he sent that picture today the only thing he wrote alongside it is "mad ting" as in, look at this isn't that mad.

I will log it with the police. I've asked a few irl friends and they've echoed what you have all said here and that is to report him and take extra measures to safeguard myself / house.

OP posts:
Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 20:51

@doorbellringer

Type his number into Google. It might link to his Facebook and give you more info, handy if you take it to the police. Sending hugs 💐
Thank you doorbell,

I tried that the other day but it doesn't link to any Facebook account and there's nothing on Google either. I also googled his first name and the area we live in alongside key words such as courts/crime as a long shot to see if anything came up about him doing similar but I couldn't find anything as I just don't have enough information Sad

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 20/06/2020 21:02

IF you have a local police station I'd try phoning them and ask if they have a community safety/liaison officer.

From his physical description and behaviours, I'd suspect this chap will be known to the police, if only because people like him tend to have support services, so they have involvement with the police from time to time even if they're not criminal or committing offences.

It's a bit of a myth that the police wont be interested in things that aren't criminal, it just depends on the nature of what's happening and which police you talk to. I think community safety would be more than happy to have a quiet word with him and give him a gentle reminder that constantly trying to communicate with people who have made it clear they aren't interested really isn't on.

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 21:17

I have a feeling he's known to the police too. The face tattoo looks like one of those stick and poke ones that I've seen prisoners doing in prison on tv. That's the first thing my DM said when I showed her picture, he looks like a con.

OP posts:
CaffiSaliMali · 20/06/2020 21:17

I would also go to the police OP. As XDown says, I think there's a reasonable chance the police will recognise his description. I doubt you're the first woman he's done this too, and if he's loitering outside shops he may have been flagged up by concerned shopkeepers.

I too would advise not going to the shops for a while if possible, to reduce the risk of him thinking you live closer than you said. Perhaps use an app like Beelivery or deliveroo to get milk, eggs etc. delivered, or buy a Morrisons box?

If your ex DP lives close enough, would he drop food off for you and the DC? If I were him I'd be happy to help.

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 21:21

Ex DP would likely be happy to collect shopping for me yes, he did that often during lockdown.

I find getting out of the house helps my anxiety slightly but bumping into him makes it much worse. I'll avoid the shops for a bit.

OP posts:
MagnoliaJustice · 20/06/2020 21:53

OP, that photo of Martin Luther King that this man sent you was after his first assassination attempt in 1958, when he didn't die, and not after the fatal shooting a decade later, which would explain why he looks alive in the photo - because he was.

This man sounds mentally unwell and for some reason has fixated on you and I second all the advice to seek help and support from the police. Take care.

backseatcookers · 20/06/2020 22:09

Spot on from @XDownwiththissortofthingX

IF you have a local police station I'd try phoning them and ask if they have a community safety/liaison officer.

From his physical description and behaviours, I'd suspect this chap will be known to the police, if only because people like him tend to have support services, so they have involvement with the police from time to time even if they're not criminal or committing offences.

It's a bit of a myth that the police wont be interested in things that aren't criminal, it just depends on the nature of what's happening and which police you talk to. I think community safety would be more than happy to have a quiet word with him and give him a gentle reminder that constantly trying to communicate with people who have made it clear they aren't interested really isn't on.

Poor you OP Thanks

eatsleepread · 20/06/2020 22:26

Oh OP, I'm not an anxious person at all, but I definitely would be in your shoes! I just wanted to validate your fear, and let you know that it's not just you. Most women would feel extremely uncomfortable by this man. I hope you're ok Thanks

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 22:47

Thank you all for the moral support I will most definitely be making a log tomorrow. I've been putting it off today as I was on the fence but it can't do any harm just to have something on the system. If he doesn't bother me again then he never needs to know about it.

The picture today freaked me out as there was no context. I'm wondering whether mental health problems are a factor.

That isn't a judgement as I have my own MH struggles but his behaviour is just weird.

Harassing somebody in the street who you don't know and following them when they brush you off saying they have to go, making contact and romanticizing when they've made it clear they're not interested and then when you see them in the street shortly after and they blank you, you go home and start sending pictures of Martin Luther King.

It's like he doesn't care that I'm not interested because he is interested so that's all that matters.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/06/2020 01:02

I will positively shit myself if he finds out where I live and starts hanging about. I've had something like that happen many years ago and it's horrible not feeling safe at home.

Prep a lie and practice. "Hi, weird to see you here. My ex lives " "my mate lives here, that's a weird coincidence".

I convinced a very odd man that my friend lived in my house for 6 months, until I moved. He was strange rather than obsessed though.