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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling on edge about going out because I keep bumping into this strange man who was pestering me

115 replies

Anxietyandmyself · 20/06/2020 13:52

I have name changed for the purpose of this thread. I need to preface this post by telling you I have significant anxiety and poor mental health stemming from a decade of abuse. It is because of those factors that my reaction to situations like this will differ greatly to that of more resilient women who may feel able to simply say "do one mate"

A couple of weeks ago when I was on my way to the shops I was stopped by a dodgy looking man, I say dodgy because he was intimidating to look at. He was wearing a hood, had what looked like a home made tattoo on his face, a scruffy beard and a large dog with him.

I was wearing headphones so I couldn't hear whatever he was saying and when he realised that he stepped into my path and gestured for me to remove the headphones.

He then asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes.

I told him I couldn't stop as I have an appointment and continued to walk but he wasn't deterred and kept walked alongside me trying to get me to stop and chat. He asked where I live and I said the opposite side of town (he had actually caught me 5 minutes from where I live) and he said oh ok, I live on that street there - gesturing to one within walking distance of my own road.

He was making me very uncomfortable and kept asking me for my telephone number. I decided I would give him a false number so I could be left in peace.

As I began to recite an 07... he said hang on let me put your name in first then I'll call you now so you have my number too.

I then panicked and wondered how he would respond to realising the number was false so I told him my name was something else and gave the correct number. Huge mistake but I just wanted to get out of there and I've first hand experience of men becoming abusive when rejected and he was giving me the creeps.

I managed to get away from him with him saying he would text me later. I immediately blocked the number from calling and texting and that was that.

Around a week later I'm out with my mother and my young child in the pram and I see him coming up the street again, I put my head down and walked straight past quickly. He didn't say anything but stopped in his tracks and stared.

Half an hour later I get a message on WhatsApp (it didn't occur to check whether he used that) and it's him asking if I would "start seeing him" and that he hasn't stopped thinking about me. At this point I respond and say sorry I'm not interested I have a partner.

He replied several times but i deleted the message thread without opening them.

I didn't want to block him as it was clear I would keep bumping into him and didn't want him to have a reason to be aggressive the next time I saw him in the street. I had been polite but firm and hoped that would be the end of it.

Then today I'm going to my local supermarket and he's coming up the street in my direction again so I keep my headphones in and look down and rush past. He doesn't say anything but slows down and stares.

Sure enough within the hour he's texting again on WhatsApp, sending me conspiracy theory posts. I then block him on that application so he has no way of getting in touch at all.

Whenever I see him he ignites my anxiety and I'm scared of him approaching me the next time he sees me. It doesn't look like I can avoid him as when I have seen him it's either on my local high street or near my house

He hasn't committed a crime so it's not a police matter but he makes me feel unsafe and I get a terrible vibe from him, like he's dangerous.

I can't not use my local supermarket and I can't not use the high street.

Do you think he'll get bored or do I have a problem on my hands?

OP posts:
IwishIhadaMargarita · 21/06/2020 02:07

Change your schedule completely so he can’t turn up easily when you are likely to be about. Tell him ‘ ihave a partner and I have said I am not interested, please leave me alone!’ every time

PeachesPlumsPears · 21/06/2020 02:25

He sounds very scary. I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. Flowers

Muh2020 · 21/06/2020 04:23

That's horrible.
Definitely contact the police.

Yeahnahmum · 21/06/2020 05:20

Giving someone your number is lesson 1' in never ever do that to a bloke you wish to have nothing to do with. '!!!
Especially when you have anxiety. I usually just pretendnot to speak the language or I just ignore them. Keep walking is what my mum used to say. Or pretend your phone is ringing. Or pretend to see someone that you know. But Never!! engage in speaking with people that give you the shakes. Ever.. Please op

Ritascornershop · 21/06/2020 06:15

I was so rattled by a bus driver asking me for my number that I gave it to him. Then was aggravated with myself when I should have been aggravated with him! He’d been chatting to me while the bus was sat waiting to start its route and he told me he was married had kids, so I was totally caught off guard. Then replied to his text asking to go out for a drink telling him my (imaginary) fiancé wouldn’t like it. Bloody annoying men do this, intimidate us into feeling we can’t just say no off the bat.

Of course you find it unnerving, he’s being weird and creepy. I hope he gets bored/falls in a crater asap.

crispysausagerolls · 21/06/2020 06:25

I have been in a similar situation many times; feeling embarrassed or scared and giving out my number to creepy or frightening people.

I am really sorry for you - how awful. Having to bump into him is terrible and he certainly sounds unbalanced at best.

Mollymalone123 · 21/06/2020 06:52

It sounds like he has mental health issues and like others have already said please contact police.I bet you anything that he may well be already known to police. I doubt it’s the first time he has behaved this way - hopefully they could help or contact someone in the community that maybe this man is known to already.As others have said, change your routine for now and good luck

Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 09:06

It's a relief to know I'm not alone in the sense of giving into the the pressure to hand over my number. I'm so angry at myself for that, but like PP's said I should be angry at him and not me.

I'm finishing my coffee and making that log.

I'm

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 21/06/2020 09:19

Please get in touch with the police about this. It is NOT making a fuss about nothing.

Sorry this is happening to you. 💐

Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 09:46

I have made the call and now have a log number. The call handler wanted to make an appointment for somebody to come out and see me but I said i didn't think it was necessary yet and just wanted to have something on the system incase things escalated.

I'll avoid the shops as best I can and when I do go out I'll go in the opposite direction.

OP posts:
EatsShootsAndRuns · 21/06/2020 09:55

You really really need to work on your self-confidence and assertiveness. When he asked for your number the correct reply is ”no” and walk away. You didn't need to take your headphones out just because he told you to!

You didnt know him yet you obeyed him.

Why! Confused

Betchetybetch · 21/06/2020 09:57

I would have accepted that visit I think. Still it’s good that you reported it. Good luck!

AHF1975 · 21/06/2020 09:57

Oh OP, this sounds awful. If the police are offering to come round, I'd def take them up on it.

Socialdistancegintonic · 21/06/2020 09:59

I’d have accepted someone coming out? Do you know what to do if you see him again?

LillianBland · 21/06/2020 10:01

@EatsShootsAndRuns

You really really need to work on your self-confidence and assertiveness. When he asked for your number the correct reply is ”no” and walk away. You didn't need to take your headphones out just because he told you to!

You didnt know him yet you obeyed him.

Why! Confused

It’s called female socialisation. This is what happens when we constantly tell little girls that they have to be ‘nice’ and talk about female bosses being bitches, when they’re behaving in exactly the same way as the male bosses. It all adds up to young women being afraid to say no.
ButteryPuffin · 21/06/2020 10:07

I would ring the police back and take them up on the offer of that visit. It could help you.

Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 10:08

I didn't accept the visit because I know at this stage he hasn't committed a crime and there wouldn't be anything they can do.

He's blocked on text, call and WhatsApp now so he can't get through to my phone. If he approaches me in the street I will of course contact the police again with my reference number.

The last two occasions I've seen him he hasn't approached me in person, only over text and now I've removed his ability to do that.

I realise giving him my number was a terrible decision but I just wanted him out of my way, I had no intention of giving him the real number until he said he would call it in front of me. He was intimidating and I just wanted him out of my way.

I do have trouble asserting myself and that's because I have alot of trauma resulting from abuse at the hands of a man. My brain has been conditioned not to provoke/anger men who could be dangerous. I'm working on that.

Ideally men just wouldn't harass women in the street. I did my best to get rid of him by saying I haven't got time to talk and have an appointment. He pushed and pushed until I felt I had no choice but to hand over the number just so I could be left alone.

OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 21/06/2020 10:13

I find a weird hybrid of nice and firm works best. Big fake smile, "no thanks" loudly and then headphones in and ignore.

This also works for me. If necessary the no thanks can be repeated over and over in response to any question.

Even reading this has given me a raised heartbeat so I can totally sympathise with you OP.

And yet a generation of girls are being told to #bekind just Be Kind...

emilybrontescorsett · 21/06/2020 10:16

Op you haven't done anything wrong.
He needs to be told, by the police that he must stop this behaviour.
No means no.
I'm having g to tell my teenage dd to be quite rude to males. Before lockdown she said men/males stated at her every single day. And yes I mean stated not just glanced/looked at. She had a frightening incident where a scruffy overweight man, not someone her own age tried to sit next to het on an almost empty bus. She had her college bags on the seat next to her, she was listening to music on her headphones and he interrupted her and asked her to move her bags. She was taken aback because the bus had plenty of other free seats. He insisted on speaking to her and she had to remove her headphones. Luckily, she did not move her bags and the dirty pervert sat elsewhere.
People like this make me puke. I have told her to stare back at men and not be afraid to tell them to fuck off. I was far too polite as a young woman and have been sexually assaulted many times. Don't minimise this op.

Buddingtulips · 21/06/2020 10:20

This sounds horrible OP. Well done for ringing 101 and reporting it, at least it’s on record now.

I’d go the long route for a week or two and hopefully you‘ll avoid him long enough for him to have forgotten about you. I’d have done the same re the number too. Sometimes survival instinct kicks in and you just do what you have to do.

If he does approach you again, I wouldn’t be nice anymore. I’d carry on walking and say very loudly and firmly ‘I’m not interested, I‘m married, leave me alone.’

fascinated · 21/06/2020 10:21

Good luck OP. This is outrageous behaviour from him. You’ve done NOTHING wrong. I’d let the police visit. You deserve their time as much as anyone else.

Buddingtulips · 21/06/2020 10:21

Oh I also second a personal attack/ rape alarm. I carry one on me and it’s ear piercingly loud. I do feel safer with it on me

JackiFazaki · 21/06/2020 10:24

Think about ringing the police back and taking up their offer of a visit. They will reassure you, talk through how to stay safe.

They are taking it seriously, let them help support you. My guess is that they probably know of him already. Don't be nervous of them, they want you and your children to be safe.

It's not about waiting for him to commit a crime. It's about making sure you are ok.

Show them the messages and the conspiracy theory stuff he sent you. You might not be the only person he has been bothering.

Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 10:30

Thanks all. I'll keep my wits about me and steer clear as best I can, and I assure you if he so much as stops me in the street I will call it in immediately.

Still baffled as to why he sent me things about Martin Luther King but my guess is that he's just clutching at straws to spark up a conversation.

OP posts:
Anxietyandmyself · 21/06/2020 10:31

@emilybrontescorsett

Op you haven't done anything wrong. He needs to be told, by the police that he must stop this behaviour. No means no. I'm having g to tell my teenage dd to be quite rude to males. Before lockdown she said men/males stated at her every single day. And yes I mean stated not just glanced/looked at. She had a frightening incident where a scruffy overweight man, not someone her own age tried to sit next to het on an almost empty bus. She had her college bags on the seat next to her, she was listening to music on her headphones and he interrupted her and asked her to move her bags. She was taken aback because the bus had plenty of other free seats. He insisted on speaking to her and she had to remove her headphones. Luckily, she did not move her bags and the dirty pervert sat elsewhere. People like this make me puke. I have told her to stare back at men and not be afraid to tell them to fuck off. I was far too polite as a young woman and have been sexually assaulted many times. Don't minimise this op.
Good on your DD for not budging, what a twat. Things like this are the reason I worry for my DD's future with so many strange and entitled men around Sad
OP posts: