Feeling on edge about going out because I keep bumping into this strange man who was pestering me

[Anxietyandmyself]

I have name changed for the purpose of this thread. I need to preface this post by telling you I have significant anxiety and poor mental health stemming from a decade of abuse. It is because of those factors that my reaction to situations like this will differ greatly to that of more resilient women who may feel able to simply say "do one mate"

A couple of weeks ago when I was on my way to the shops I was stopped by a dodgy looking man, I say dodgy because he was intimidating to look at. He was wearing a hood, had what looked like a home made tattoo on his face, a scruffy beard and a large dog with him.

I was wearing headphones so I couldn't hear whatever he was saying and when he realised that he stepped into my path and gestured for me to remove the headphones.

He then asked if he could talk to me for a few minutes.

I told him I couldn't stop as I have an appointment and continued to walk but he wasn't deterred and kept walked alongside me trying to get me to stop and chat. He asked where I live and I said the opposite side of town (he had actually caught me 5 minutes from where I live) and he said oh ok, I live on that street there - gesturing to one within walking distance of my own road.

He was making me very uncomfortable and kept asking me for my telephone number. I decided I would give him a false number so I could be left in peace.

As I began to recite an 07... he said hang on let me put your name in first then I'll call you now so you have my number too.

I then panicked and wondered how he would respond to realising the number was false so I told him my name was something else and gave the correct number. Huge mistake but I just wanted to get out of there and I've first hand experience of men becoming abusive when rejected and he was giving me the creeps.

I managed to get away from him with him saying he would text me later. I immediately blocked the number from calling and texting and that was that.

Around a week later I'm out with my mother and my young child in the pram and I see him coming up the street again, I put my head down and walked straight past quickly. He didn't say anything but stopped in his tracks and stared.

Half an hour later I get a message on WhatsApp (it didn't occur to check whether he used that) and it's him asking if I would "start seeing him" and that he hasn't stopped thinking about me. At this point I respond and say sorry I'm not interested I have a partner.

He replied several times but i deleted the message thread without opening them.

I didn't want to block him as it was clear I would keep bumping into him and didn't want him to have a reason to be aggressive the next time I saw him in the street. I had been polite but firm and hoped that would be the end of it.

Then today I'm going to my local supermarket and he's coming up the street in my direction again so I keep my headphones in and look down and rush past. He doesn't say anything but slows down and stares.

Sure enough within the hour he's texting again on WhatsApp, sending me conspiracy theory posts. I then block him on that application so he has no way of getting in touch at all.

Whenever I see him he ignites my anxiety and I'm scared of him approaching me the next time he sees me. It doesn't look like I can avoid him as when I have seen him it's either on my local high street or near my house

He hasn't committed a crime so it's not a police matter but he makes me feel unsafe and I get a terrible vibe from him, like he's dangerous.

I can't not use my local supermarket and I can't not use the high street.

Do you think he'll get bored or do I have a problem on my hands?

That’s a grim story about the bus. I’ve had things like that happen. I’m more assertive now and would say something. But didn’t in the past.

I need to address my lack of being assertive because I don't want my own DD to ever feel like she can't stand up for herself against men like that

It’s really hard, especially in the moment. I also have a young daughter so am trying to be more assertive for her sake too.

It's also been noted how men/males have been able to stop this behaviour during lockdown, when they should not be out unless necessary. There has definately, without exception been a reduction in the number of leering/shouting/abusive men.
I began to stare at men in a "Why are you out driving?" Way and it is amazing how their behaviour has changed. No longer beeping and generally acting like twats. Maybe it's because they are no longer entitled to roam the streets without restrictions.

I've been in this situation before and had to give out my real number out of fear of what a man would do if I refused or was found to be lying.

We had a lady come to our school to explain you should always sit on the outside seat on the bus so you can’t be trapped in! And if someone wants to sit next to you you can let them have the window seat. Not sure if they teach this now?

I’m assertive, but pissing off a creepy man you don’t know isn’t a good idea! Next time good to say “I’m married but thank you” or otherwise. You could always wear a ring on wedding finger when you go out in the meantime.

OP I'd keep the photo the weirdo sent you in case you/the police need it later. Hope he disappears now though.

I've kept screenshots incase I need them in future yes.

That's also a good suggestion regarding sitting on the outer seat when on public transport.

I'm a little apprehensive about nursery runs as my biggest worry is him freaking out my small child but hopefully we can avoid him.

I don't have anxiety and am normally quite assertive, but I think, in the circumstances I would have behaved exactly like you did, OP. Taken by surprise and simply not able to think fast enough, needing to be appeasing because of fear of assault and then being terrified of repercussions - yep, I pretty much would have given my number and then thought 'what the hell have I done??'

Have you got a male friend or relative who would walk out with you ??

I say this because dp was out once a saw a woman who clearly didn't want to talk to a man who was being quite forceful, so he went over and pretended they were together (( thankfully she was relieved ! )) Then did the whole who the hell are you thing at the bloke and he soon went off.

They exchanged numbers as he wanted to check in she got home ok and it transpired he'd been hanging around and bothering her for weeks, she text a couple of months later thanking him because she hadn't been seen again.

Dp is quite a large guy and can look quite intimidating (( he's a pussy cat really )) and it obviously scared off the absolute coward.

Agree with the PP. Ideally get your daughter’s father or any other male to walk around where you think he will be. Hold hands or something. If he comes over introduce as your partner. That type of thing.

These unstable types don’t enjoy outright rejection which makes them feel like they somehow aren’t good enough: but if you have someone else (and it’s great you told him you do), they are less likely to take it personally

Thank you Zaph, that makes me feel better to hear that. I was furious at myself when I walked off but I just needed to get out of there.

WWYD, bravo to your DP. What a guy I wish somebody had done that for me. It must take some serious guts to step in when you have no idea how the creep will react. You have a good one there.

Crispy, it's not unusual for me to be outdoors with Ex DP as we get along and do things together with the children. I don't think he would mind playing the faux boyfriend because he's trying to charm his way back

Yes to getting ex dp. Obvs you shouldn’t have to in an ideal world. But some shits only take another man’s word and now a woman’s.

Or another male friend.

Another one who would have done the same OP, I would be scared of his reaction to a firm no. I'm not especially meek but this kind of thing scares me, as it's not predictable and it's strange behaviour.