To feel cast aside in this instance ?

[Isobored]

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

"God, what a miserable life some posters must have. Imagine being a slave complete pushover to bratty teenagers like that.
YANBU OP."

I work with teenagers and find that they are rarely bratty if loved and prioritised, and that's especially important when their parents are separated.

It must be very hard at 13 to have to ask to see your own dad. I'd cut him some slack. The 13yo isn't the problem. And I'm really surprised that a thread full of adults would look at this situation and think that he was.

Another vote here for this all being bizarre.

Not a healthy relationship. Move on and find some one without kids.

I think it's odd that you look at a 13yo kid asking to see his dad, and then cancelling because it's really bloody obvious he's not welcome

I didn't see the OP say the text was from DSS.

There is only one brat here and it's the rude step son who needs to learn some manners. His DF should be ashamed for allowing such petulant behaviour.

Agree.

Wow. his weekend not his weekend entitled to time without him bratty stepchild and they keep on coming.

I don’t imagine there is a single person on this thread who has children who actually have to ask to see their father or who have been that child having to ask to see their parent.

When you marry a man with children you do so on the understanding that those children are his responsibility 100% of the time, even if that child doesn’t live with him. It could happen on a moment’s notice that that child who lived there every other weekend suddenly has to come and live there full-time. It’s called being a parent.

If the OP can’t handle that, then she shouldn’t have married a man with children.

And I'm really surprised that a thread full of adults would look at this situation and think that he was.

Me too. Think there's a bit of sock puppetry going on (not necessarily the OP) because I refuse to believe there are that many posters willing to shoot vitriol at a hurt child who feels unwanted.

It's the way the OP is being blamed that bothers me.

From what's been said this man sounds crap at managing his relationships. His partner tells him what she needs (not in the mood for family time) and he overrides her and tells her what he thinks she needs. He also can't seem to make concrete plans with his child despite sharing a car with a woman who has her own life and might need to use it.

Why is it the OPs job to be the facilitator here? Why can't her partner listen to her and do right by his son whilst respecting she needs some space herself?

I agree the OP wasn't being unreasonable. And the boy's reaction may well be unreasonable. But he's 13 and clearly feels hurt. Some of the responses have been vile about a child they know basically nothing about.

It certainly seems to me that it's the DH who has mismanaged the situation terribly and made both his wife and his son feel disregarded. Even if that wasn't his intention, he isn't listening and coming off as very insensitive to both of their feelings and needs.

I hope you manage to have some time to talk through your feelings with your DH, OP.

Fuck this shit.

You should leave the whole lot of them to it.

When you marry a man with children you do so on the understanding that those children are his responsibility 100% of the time, even if that child doesn’t live with him. It could happen on a moment’s notice that that child who lived there every other weekend suddenly has to come and live there full-time. It’s called being a parent

Which I agree with but this situation isn’t what you described unfortunately. When you have children and you marry some one new not being able to prioritise different situations according and set those boundaries is what causes these threads. It’s actually the dh at fault here and probably the reason why his son thinks he can talk shite about his step mother.

I work with teenagers and find that they are rarely bratty if loved and prioritised, and that's especially important when their parents are separated.

Yeah, key word there being rarely. A bratty teen isnt unheard of, is it? I've worked with teenagers too (in youth offending and youth homelessness) so trust me, I've seen how they present when they are truly unloved and unwanted. I've also been a teenager who's parents split and my dad left the country rather than have a relationship with his kids. We still managed to treat people with respect funnily enough.

That is not how the OP has described it. There are many things that would happen before a teen started acting out. Red flags before the shitty behaviour described here.
Calling the OP (who went out of her way to offer solutions and compromises) spiteful for taking a car to the shops is out of order. Not being picked up on demand is not making a child feel unloved. Things don't always go your way and that's just life. I'm unsure as to how the OP is making the boy feel unloved when she offered to give up her own place for the dad and his son to spend some quality time together, afterall, it's his responsibility to make his child feel loved, prioritised etc. not the OP's.
The dad/husband is fully at fault here.

I'm sure the people saying that children should be top priority 100% percent of the time have presumably never called a teen/adolescent spoilt, entitled, selfish etc. Because that's exactly what happens when someone grows up thinking the world revolves around them...

DH still hasn't heard from DSS......DH and I managed to get out for some lunch Sunday, so at least we got some time together which was needed x

It’s not bratty to go and use your own car for a short while whilst someone is coming ‘sometime in the morning’ and not a specific time. A normal response is ‘isobored is out just now, will get you when she gets back.’
Also DSS asked to come at the weekend - not specially Saturday. DH tried to make it Saturday and spoil existing and inappropriate plans. He’s created the drama.
I hate the way step mums are piled on and can’t do anything right (I’m not one btw).

@AlternativePerspective

Wow. his weekend not his weekend entitled to time without him bratty stepchild and they keep on coming.

I don’t imagine there is a single person on this thread who has children who actually have to ask to see their father or who have been that child having to ask to see their parent.

When you marry a man with children you do so on the understanding that those children are his responsibility 100% of the time, even if that child doesn’t live with him. It could happen on a moment’s notice that that child who lived there every other weekend suddenly has to come and live there full-time. It’s called being a parent.

If the OP can’t handle that, then she shouldn’t have married a man with children.

100% agree with this.

I will never understand the a child must always, without fail come first and I doubt in a lot of cases is factually correct.
Families (in all forms) should consider all the needs of the household equally. Not just child first, parents 2nd.
But maybe that's just me .....

I'm glad you had Sunday lunch together, op, and rescued your weekend.

I will never understand the a child must always, without fail come first and I doubt in a lot of cases is factually correct.

You see this attitude a great deal on MN.

I think part of putting kids first is teaching them that they aren't the centre of the universe. It's an important life lesson for teenagers.

I will never understand the a child must always, without fail come first and I doubt in a lot of cases is factually correct.
Families (in all forms) should consider all the needs of the household equally. Not just child first, parents 2nd.
But maybe that's just me

100% agree. Don’t know why MN has this attitude so often (to be fair, it mainly seems to be applied to step children not to those who live with both parents!). Of course those DCs have been through a lot, parents splitting up, maybe having to move house etc but plenty of kids suffer hardship, poverty, parent dying/ill, having to move house/school etc Kowtowing to their every whim won’t make up for that. My DP still has huge guilt whenever he’s not with his DCs and it’s been 8 bloody years! At some point you have to accept that this is how it is. Mine don’t see their dad at all at the moment as he works abroad, so I have little sympathy tbh!

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I will never understand the a child must always, without fail come first and I doubt in a lot of cases is factually correct. Families (in all forms) should consider all the needs of the household equally. Not just child first, parents 2nd. But maybe that's just me

100% agree. Don’t know why MN has this attitude so often (to be fair, it mainly seems to be applied to step children not to those who live with both parents!). Of course those DCs have been through a lot, parents splitting up, maybe having to move house etc but plenty of kids suffer hardship, poverty, parent dying/ill, having to move house/school etc Kowtowing to their every whim won’t make up for that. My DP still has huge guilt whenever he’s not with his DCs and it’s been 8 bloody years! At some point you have to accept that this is how it is. Mine don’t see their dad at all at the moment as he works abroad, so I have little sympathy tbh!

How would you feel if you didn’t live with your kids and see them daily. Of course the dad feels huge guilt. I’m lucky my kids live with me but if they didn’t I too would be feeling guilty and sad.

How would you feel if you didn’t live with your kids and see them daily.

I would be more than happy to see them 4/5 days a week - as he does - knowing that on the other day they are with someone else who loves them. My DCs used to go to their dad twice a week and it was a bloody blessing if I’m honest.

I will never understand the a child must always, without fail come first and I doubt in a lot of cases is factually correct.
Families (in all forms) should consider all the needs of the household equally. Not just child first, parents 2nd. I totally agree. Part of being a good parent is raising your child to understand other's have feelings and they can't always be centre of attention. If they think they should always be put first you're failing as a parent.

I would be pissed of. As you said its not your weekend and you made plans to spend time with DH. You need to put boundaries in place with regards to DSS visiting. It's not fair on you. You need your space too.

Honestly i would be upset if DH did this .. I understand it is his son but by jove if you are over worked and stressed and not giving your relationship some attention as well you are going to drift apart. You agreed to sunday you are not being nasty .. but on MN step parents are always wrong

Some of you keep posting like you're trying to set some personal record! FWIW the best things parents can do is put the

Relationship first! (Sorry accidentally hit send too early)