To feel cast aside in this instance ?

[Isobored]

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

It's not about his son. It's about him failing to prioritize you when you need him to. Yes kids needs should come first. This wasnt a need. Dss wants do not trump your needs. You needed dh and he didn't care/wasnt listening to you enough. Any other areas in your relationship where this happens?

ISO is just being spiteful when she knew I needed collecting.

That's not on either. Id be gutted if my dss called me spiteful after everything I've done for him over the years and how many times I've put myself last no matter how hard its been. Where's he got that from? Does dh call you names?

If DSS lived with you full time or was your son what would you do?

Personally I think you are unreasonable.

Is there a reason why he's coming over when it's not your normal weekend?

Because it's his son !

It sounds like your husband and DSS need to have a chat.

He's 13 which is a tough age for any child.

You really need to try your best to not take all of this personally @Isobored. My nearly 13yo DS is pushing my DH and me to the brink at the moment.

I don't think you are unreasonable.
A 13yo is old enough to know that sometimes short notice plans can't be accommodated.

• the change of plan to come to you this w/e was short notice
• pick up times should be fixed, especially if they want to use your car to do it
• a 13yo could be left alone for 3 hrs while you go out
• throwing his toys out of the pram because your DH couldn't turn up instantly is not on

It sounds like he expects the world to revolve around him. Why can't he have a fixed pick up time? You can't put your morning on hold waiting for him to decide exactly when he is ready to be picked up.

sorry, but I think YABVU.

This is his son.

You do realise how difficult lockdown has been for many teenagers? The long term impact on their mental health? He needs his Dad, regardless of whose 'turn' it is.

I would have prioritised your DSS in this case.

When you have a teenager pick up times are often impossible to fix.

Especially now when most of us would rather out kids not use public transport unless they absolutely have too.

YANBU. You already had plans for Saturday so you reasonably suggested Sunday - your husband should have gone with that. I could understand Saturday being disrupted if there'd been some kind of crisis or emergency, but from what you've said, that isn't the case. I wouldn't be staying with a husband who shoved me aside on a teenager's whim - you need to talk to your husband about this and agree expectations for the future.

It all sounds quite bizarre, frankly. A romantic afternoon - sitting in craft beer bars? You and husband are not on the same wavelength, especially as he is now in a huff with you, and you have little idea about relationships between parent and child, especially when they don't live together. I don't understand why you would want to have a child with this man, you are just incompatible.

Cut your losses and find yourself someone else who has no children.

@Isobored

Pick up time was 'this morning' Once he woke up..... By 9:40 it was radio silence, so I said to DH I'm going to pop out - 1hr max 10am DSS texted, can you pick me up now? 'Sorry not right now - ISO has car, but will be back in an hour, will get you then' Don't worry dad, you obviously don't care ..... and ISO is just being spiteful when she knew I needed collecting.

What an unpleasant child. Don't fetch him, let him stew. Brat. Who does he think he is? I hope your DH gave him an ear bashing.

YANBU about the initial issue - you should be allowed your plans (unless your DSS needed him at that certain time and couldn't be collected afterwards, which it doesn't sound like was the case). Your DH handled the whole thing terribly.

The picking up thing sounds like there's context though. Does your DH have form for keeping his son waiting or making him feel like he will slot him in as convenient to DH? Yes, 13-year-olds can be unreasonable but I just feel it's unlikely that this has come out of nowhere and that your DH is usually reliably there for his son. Maybe DH was trying to fix this with the Saturday plans - including his son even though it didn't make sense to - but it has all gone wrong anyway.

I feel a bit sorry for him because he doesn't seem very good at managing his significant relationships in general.

Your dss’s attitude is shit. However, this attitude he is displaying plus how you’re feeling about your dss is galvanising positions. Is he jealous or is he his mother’s mouthpiece?

This goes back to your dh putting down boundaries and managing expectations. If your dh agreed him he’d pick him up when he called, that’s a failure by your dh and poor boundaries. I get it’s difficult to pin teens down. However, he needs to approach this differently by texting he will pick up at x time and if this time isn’t convenient, your dss may have to wait when he calls as you both have errands to do.

It all sounds quite bizarre, frankly. A romantic afternoon - sitting in craft beer bars?

Why is that bizarre? Would a champagne bar be acceptable? @Lynda07

Oh and the time communicated would have also needed to be agreed with you.

Your dh seems to be very poor at communicating with you. What are you like with him?

Did you get the news about your fertility after you made the arrangements?

I'm wondrring whether it is actually him who invited dss because he suspected you'd want to talk about the results, how it makes you feel, make decisions about the future and he doesn't want to have that discussion. Maybe just this week because he is stressed and wants to relax and this is just more stress to deal with. He k we you wouldn't discuss it with dss around.

Are you even totally sure that he was in contact with him and has not make it all up?

dontdisturbmnow, what you say seems to make sense.

Some of the responses on here are strange and nit picking the OP. You offered to have DSS on Sunday instead of Saturday so you could go to a pub (probably not appropriate for 13 year old) where the topic of your fertility will come up (totally not appropriate for 13 year old).
I think you really tried to accommodate everyone and it’s been thrown back in your face.
So what if you offered Sunday instead of Saturday because you had an adult centric activity planned. Just because a child doesn’t live with you doesn’t mean you have to invite them to all your plans.
I think you tried to be fair and both of their behaviours have been crap.

Can the boy not take public transport? This should be the arrangement in future when the plans change.

I think you point out that because it’s a fertility related drowning of sorrows really the worst possible thing is having DSS there right now. That you love him but that this one time you are now going with a friend because you need to protect your own mental health. Then say you’ll do something fun when you get home.

Oh and re the car thing. In the future your DH shouldn’t mention you. He should say I’m out buying food so I’ll come get you soon as or I’m not showered or something. The DSS is an arse but DH need to learn how to limit this with some white lies.

Get the table back and go with a friend today or tomorrow please

Plus he should have gone and got him anyway because now he’s just sulking.

I think it's sad and gutting to have bad fertility news. So sorry for you. xx

I also think DH needs to make time for his son and pretty much always when you have children plans change, as the parent you often end up not doing a nice thing you wanted to.

But DH also needs to acknowledge that you need to fit a date in somewhere & be proactive about rearranging something soon.