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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel cast aside in this instance ?

151 replies

Isobored · 19/06/2020 21:03

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

OP posts:
Iverunoutofnames · 20/06/2020 10:22

@jamesT he changed the plans because he invited him (without checking he was even allowed).

WaterOffADucksCrack · 20/06/2020 10:46

If DSS lived with you full time or was your son what would you do? Do what many parents do when they have bad news? Book a babysitter? Ask family to help out? 13yos should know the world doesn't revolve around them. My son is 5 and he understands we can't do everything he wants in the exact moment he wants to do it. What kind of a parent would I be if I let him go through life thinking he will get what he wants straight away all the time? A child can understand "I can't come this second but will get there as soon as I can".

Windyatthebeach · 20/06/2020 10:56

If ds's was her ds she wouldn't be dealing with infertility results..
Sometimes irl people 'palm off' their own biological dc off when they need a decent discussion with a dh.
Not like putting them in care ffs...

Cadent · 20/06/2020 11:17

Because it's his son !

Yes and OP compromised by saying yes to Sunday. That was more than enough. Is this an MN First Wives Club thing?! Confused

WaterOffADucksCrack · 20/06/2020 11:54

If ds's was her ds she wouldn't be dealing with infertility results.. Unless she had secondary infertility.

I don't understand the angst just because it's a stepchild. Ds's dad barely sees him but when his girlfriend received bad news I offered to rearrange....because I'm a human being.

Original poster
Isobored · 21/06/2020 06:26

DH offered to pick him up this morning, messaged him this morning but he is being ignored. Which I think is just shit ......

OP posts:
Cadent · 21/06/2020 07:24

@Isobored if I was DH I wouldn’t pander to this shit.

Are your plans back on OP?

Nihiloxica · 21/06/2020 07:33

This whole set up sounds awful.

Your husband was horrible to you.

Your SS was horrible about you.

Do you really want to tie yourself to this man and this young man wto both seem to take you for granted and treat you with hostility?

SnuggyBuggy · 21/06/2020 07:34

He needs to tell his son to grow the hell up. If he wants to come over so badly he can agree a time and get up and dressed ready for it.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 08:19

I think he was excited to see his son for an extra weekend, and excited for him to join you on your day out.

I know you were looking forward to your afternoon together, but you live with each other and see each other every day. He doesn't live with his son and must miss him terribly.

Of course he wants to see him if the opportunity presents itself. As many parents of teens will tell you, they very often don't want to spend time with their parents, so it's lovely that his son is still keen.

Regarding the pick up. If the arrangement was 'in the morning when I wake up' then taking the car out at 9:40 does look a little bit like you were trying to throw a spanner in the works.

And when a 13yo who has asked to see his dad and then says 'forget it you obviously don't care' he is not being a brat and he doesn't need to grow up. That's a child who picked up on an undercurrent of being unwelcome and the failed lift was the last straw.

Imagine having to ask to see your own dad. Imagine your dad having to check with someone else whether it was ok.

The only correct response to a child asking for an extra day with their dad is yes imo, and the adults involved can arrange their lives around that.

PicsInRed · 21/06/2020 08:23

He won't let you have a date day together - not even one you have already arranged.

Think on that and reconsider whether to have children with this man who has no consideration for you feelings - a child who will bind you to him in labour for 18 years.

This really could be timely information for your lucky escape.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 08:28

"This really could be timely information for your lucky escape."

I'm always so interested in how people interpret the same events so differently.

I would find prioritising his child, bending over backwards to accommodate him and make him welcome, and being a good dad, a very attractive quality.

Zeusthemoose · 21/06/2020 08:36

rawlikesushi
Agree totally. He is thinking of his son and trying to be a good Dad. He may not have gone the right way about it but It's hardly a terrible trait in a man.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/06/2020 08:40

A good man would try to work out a compromise between the needs of his son and the needs of his wife. It sounds like he can only focus on one person at a time.

I agree, I'd be reconsidering whether you want kids with a man at the beck and call of a needy teenager.

Ladyconstance · 21/06/2020 08:40

A bit insensitive of DH to decide to ditch your 1-2-1 time together for his DS. Kids don’t always come first no matter what. Everyone in a family is important and special, including partners/mums/dads, and sometimes one person needs extra cuddles and kindness because life’s been crap. DH could have explained to DS that he had something important to do together with you and couldn’t do that time but could do another time instead. Some dads are useless at keeping those boundaries between partner and kids who aren’t their partner’s. Not grounds for divorce but I can see why you’d be fed up and feel let down. Have you said that to DH?

Scarlettpixie · 21/06/2020 08:57

*Regarding the pick up. If the arrangement was 'in the morning when I wake up' then taking the car out at 9:40 does look a little bit like you were trying to throw a spanner in the works.

And when a 13yo who has asked to see his dad and then says 'forget it you obviously don't care' he is not being a brat and he doesn't need to grow up. That's a child who picked up on an undercurrent of being unwelcome and the failed lift was the last straw.

Imagine having to ask to see your own dad. Imagine your dad having to check with someone else whether it was ok.*

This 100%. I feel sorry for DSS. Yabu.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 11:51

"A good man would try to work out a compromise between the needs of his son and the needs of his wife. It sounds like he can only focus on one person at a time.

I agree, I'd be reconsidering whether you want kids with a man at the beck and call of a needy teenager."

But maybe the compromise was that he sees his wife every day, and his son has never before asked for an extra day.

Do we know why the son wanted an extra day? There may have been a very good reason, equal to OP's reason to want an afternoon without him.

And I definitely don't see 'needy teenager' in anything written here. Even told entirely from OP's point of view, this story says teenager wanted an extra day with his dad, dad was excited to make that happen.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 21/06/2020 12:20

Even told entirely from OP's point of view, this story says teenager wanted an extra day with his dad, dad was excited to make that happen.

But not excited enough to arrange a time or to get up early. I wouldn't have him in the house without an apology for what he said.

Coffeeandbeans · 21/06/2020 13:26

I grab every opportunity possible to spend time with my teenage boys. The time is so precious. You live with your DP sure you could have a lovely romantic meal in the house any evening. I don’t live with my DP but I’ve had plans cancelled by him in order that he can watch a football match that his son has asked to watch with his dad. That’s just the way it is and it won’t be forever. I think you are unreasonable and really need to think if you want to stay with a man that has children that will demand his time for years. 13 year olds are pretty wobbly emotionally even boys and need time with their parents.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 13:32

"But not excited enough to arrange a time or to get up early. I wouldn't have him in the house without an apology for what he said."

The arrangement he had with his dad was to text when he got up. Which is what he did. If he'd been told a time, or been told to 'get up early' I'd agree with you.

And ready to leave at 9:40 isn't that late is it?

And what do you mean you wouldn't have him in the house without an apology? You can't bar a kid from his own fucking house. You don't need an apology from a hurt kid who wanted to spend an extra day with his dad. Well you can do both I guess, but it makes you unreasonable and cruel.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 13:43

"But not excited enough to arrange a time or to get up early. I wouldn't have him in the house without an apology for what he said."

Or was your opinion about OP's dp?

Same applies. He arranged a time. 9:40 isn't particularly late. You can't bar someone from their own house. I don't think he's the only one who owes an apology.

DomDoesWotHeWants · 21/06/2020 13:57

People will always make excuses for brattish behaviour towards step mothers. Sad, really.

Coffeeandbeans · 21/06/2020 13:59

@DomDoesWotHeWants

People will always make excuses for brattish behaviour towards step mothers. Sad, really.
What about brattish step mothers?
WaterOffADucksCrack · 21/06/2020 14:08

What about brattish step mothers? Yeah because fuck people with newly diagnosed infertility who feel sad and want to spend with their partner. No time for people moping about that. Let's call them brats.

rawlikesushi · 21/06/2020 14:26

@WaterOffADucksCrack

What about brattish step mothers? Yeah because fuck people with newly diagnosed infertility who feel sad and want to spend with their partner. No time for people moping about that. Let's call them brats.
13yo kids can feel sad and want to spend time with their dad too.

OP sees more of him because she lives with him, and is also the grown up.

I don't see how making DSS feel even more sad and unwelcome can possibly make op feel better about herself or her situation.

They could've had a perfectly nice family day on Saturday, and time as a couple on Sunday.

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