To feel cast aside in this instance ?

[Isobored]

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

The child is not ever going to 'go away' for certain occasions though is he - you surely realize that? He may not be that thrilled to be with you either - it's what your DP wants.

YANBU op, I’d be really pissed off.

Have you heard his point of view or are you only considering your own? Maybe he misses his son, maybe he wants to feel more connected with both of you, maybe his son has said something to indicate he’s having a tough time? You say that he wants you all to spend time together as a family, I think the fact he wants the three of you to spend some quality time is lovely. It’s one weekend, give him a break and enjoy some family time.

I get that it can be frustrating when original plans don’t go right, but it’s not like he has ditched you to spend time drinking with his mates, he wants you all to spend quality time together. He sounds like a good man to me.

Also the ‘not our weekend’ thing is quite a selfish point of view.

I think it's just what life is going to be like when your partner has kids from a previous relationship.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.
Let's imagine we're talking about both your son.
You agree you're both stressed and need a date night. Arrange a babysitter and book a night out.
Then DS says "oh but daddy I want to come" and he says yes without asking you.
You'd still be upset, it wouldn't be ok.

So it's got nothing to do with you pushing DSS out but about DH changing your plans without asking you.

I'm most annoyed that he asked. I said no. But he went ahead regardless of my feelings.
Even more frustrating is that after all that DSS canceled. He threw a tantrum when DH couldn't pick him up this morning the instant he texted. I was out in the car. I had cancelled the tables yesterday because they could fit another person (DSS) in. So DH has spent the day in the huff and I am trying to distract myself with work. 😐

I'd be really pissed off too.

I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too

So your DH invited DDS to the Saturday event..........does that not suggest that your DH doesn't want a heavy Heart-to-Heart discussion?
He's avoiding?

Because unless DH Ex is having her gallbladder out on Saturday and needs DSS looked after why would your DH think its ok to invite a 13yo to a Craft Beet evebet ?

is Dss having a tough time at the moment that he is so quick to include him in a date day that especially after your latest update will have ruined the whole weekend.

Hope you’re both able to settle down from it

Oh (slow typer here)

Sounds like maybe your DSS is trying to escape his weekend at his Mums!

I don’t understand; so you made your husband cancel? And then are annoyed that his son ‘threw a tantrum’? Have I got that right? Because if so, His son is being punished over an issue between you and your husband and has every right to get upset. In his head. He was invited and then uninvited for no reason.
It’s one weekend, I’m sorry but I think you’re being really selfish towards his son.

I apologise, I have read that incorrectly and having reread can see that his son cancelled because he couldn’t get picked up, please ignore my previous comment, I misread.

No I didn't make DH cancel.
We had bookings for 2, they couldn't fit 3 due to Covid regulations.
I offered DH to go with DSS.
I offered To go with a friend while DSS and DH did something else.
When DH didn't want either of those options I had to cancel the tables so someone else could use them.
DSS refused to come when DH couldn't pick him up at 10am because I'd popped to the shops.

I feel for you Isobored. I think the posters saying that your DH has to prioritise his son and that you knew he had a child when you married have missed the bit of your post where you wrote about about bad fertility related news. You suggested Sunday but not Saturday, which was a compromise. I hope you can find something nice to do instead of rhe craft beer event.

How old is DSS because usually all of MN would be saying you took on a man with a child and as shit as it is re your fertility news his child is still a part of that life?

If an adult then I agree DH is behaving shabbily but if a child then of course the child should not be rejected merely because it doesn't fit in with your plans.

YANBU, OP.

It was something you planned for the two of you on a weekend when you knew you would be free. Very selfish of him. If you had planned a treat when your own resident children were elsewhere then nobody would think you were unreasonable.

But step children are golden on mumsnet. All bow down.

Anyone saying YABU either hasn't experienced or has forgotten the pain of having less than ideal fertility results. I'm so sorry you've had bad news. YANBU at all to need some time with your partner. If dss was yours no one would say yabu for booking a babysitter to have that time.

I offered for DH and DSS to have 'boy time' and I'd go with a friend. But he wanted us to spend time as a family, even although I said I was maybe not in the right frame of mind. You've been reasonable, made compromises and he's thrown them all back at you. He doesn't sound like a good partner. He isn't there for you when you need him. Fair enough if his son had had some bad news but this isn't the case.

DH has a particularly toxic relationship with his ex.
He has been getting abuse all day from her because he wasn't available to pick him up. I was being spiteful for taking using the car (my car) when DSS wanted collecting.

DH has been asleep for 3 hours ......so much for my romantic afternoon out. 🤣

Your DSS is 13yo?

Had the pick up time been agreed?

Your dhs relationship with his. However, your dh sounds very passive. He is not finding solutions, creating firm plans or drawing up any boundaries with either.

• He didn’t negotiate the situation with his ex.
• He didn’t consult you.
• He didn’t agree a pick up time with your dss.
• He didn’t talk to you about when he may need your car.
• He didn’t discuss your dss staying at home or seeing a friend while you went out. Etc.

Is he usually so passive with everyone?

Oops “with his ex sounds toxic”

...and he sounds very rigid in his thinking.

Your dh is being a massive bellend.

Pick up time was 'this morning' Once he woke up.....
By 9:40 it was radio silence, so I said to DH I'm going to pop out - 1hr max
10am DSS texted, can you pick me up now?
'Sorry not right now - ISO has car, but will be back in an hour, will get you then'
Don't worry dad, you obviously don't care ..... and ISO is just being spiteful when she knew I needed collecting.