To feel cast aside in this instance ?

[Isobored]

DH and I have been pulling some really big hours recently with work. Both stressed and trying to keep our heads above water. I also had some test results back this week which were pretty bleak (fertility related) it's been a shit week.

DH said at the start of the week, let's plan to do something you and I on Saturday to help us get through the week and focus on something positive.
I went away and booked a couple of 2 hour slots in some craft beer bars for us so we could have an afternoon out. (We aren't in the UK)
DH got a text asking if DSS could come over this weekend (shared custody - not 'our' weekend) he asked me, I said yes Sunday but not Saturday as we have plans. DH's response was it's ok I've asked DSS and he's happy to come out for the afternoon Saturday too.
AIBU to feel cast aside in this instance? And that an afternoon in the pub just DH and I is very different to one with a 13 year old ?!

Yes, I'd feel a bit cross and cast aside.

But the thing with taking on a partner who already has kids... It's kinda a package deal. Absolutely rightly, the kids should come first. Even more so when it comes to the secondary parent.

It's completely okay to feel bad, especially after a rough week. And it's also okay to tell DH that you're feeling cross, and to count you out of care duties for stepchild on this occasion. It would be completely fair for you to retreat to the bedroom with some chocolate and a Netflix binge.

@Coffeeandbeans

What about brattish step mothers?

There is no brattish stepmother on this thread.

There is only one brat here and it's the rude step son who needs to learn some manners. His DF should be ashamed for allowing such petulant behaviour.

But on mumsnet step children are golden to some odd people.

rawlikesushi but the stepson wasn't experiencing loss was he. He had a strop because he couldn't be picked up at that exact moment. I wouldn't want my teenager acting like that!

They could've had a perfectly nice family day on Saturday, and time as a couple on Sunday. Have you not rtft? The OP suggested plenty of alternatives all of which were shot down. The husband wouldn't move an inch. Yet surprise surprise it's the woman who's to blame when a man blocks her attempts.

"There is only one brat here and it's the rude step son who needs to learn some manners. His DF should be ashamed for allowing such petulant behaviour.

But on mumsnet step children are golden to some odd people."

I think it's odd that you look at a 13yo kid asking to see his dad, and then cancelling because it's really bloody obvious he's not welcome, and see rudeness and bad manners that should make his dad feel ashamed of him.

It seems like such a reach, it really does.

Fine and understandable for op to feel disappointed, but that's where it should end really imo.

And I've experience of being both a stepchild and a step-parent, so always try to give a balanced view if I can.

"Have you not rtft? The OP suggested plenty of alternatives all of which were shot down."

Of course I have. Both of OP's suggestions involved father and son doing something together while she did something else.

"but the stepson wasn't experiencing loss was he. He had a strop because he couldn't be picked up at that exact moment. I wouldn't want my teenager acting like that!"

You don't know why he asked to see his dad for an extra day do you?

I'm looking at my teens now. If any of them asked to spend the day with me I'd be pleased, and do everything I could to facilitate it.

Do you really think, after asking to see his dad, he had a strop because dad said he'd have to wait an hour?

Because I suspect it came as a last straw after asking to see his dad and being told (1) I'll have to ask your stepmum (2) stepmum says no because we've got plans but I guess you could come with us (3) stepmum has cancelled the event as they couldn't accommodate a third person (aka you ruined our plans) (4) I'll pick you up first thing just text when you get up....oops stepmum has taken the car you'll have to wait.

He wasn't upset that he had to wait a bit, he was upset because he knew he wasn't wanted.

He wasn't upset that he had to wait a bit, he was upset because he knew he wasn't wanted

He was upset because his little power play failed. It isn't me that's reaching. I don't believe you can't see through him.

Don't worry dad, you obviously don't care ..... and ISO is just being spiteful when she knew I needed collecting.

His father needs to nip that in the bud. Little sod.

If he was a little sod who was prone to power plays I suspect op would have told us that for context - she was quite critical of his mum after all.

rawlikesushi if he had had some bad news or something he or his mother would have told his father and the op is unlikely to have left that out. I've kept my son home with me when his dad's girlfriend had bad news because it's the kind thing to do. Ds and I had a lovely day together and I didn't say it was anyone's fault.

Because I suspect it came as a last straw after asking to see his dad and being told (1) I'll have to ask your stepmum (2) stepmum says no because we've got plans but I guess you could come with us (3) stepmum has cancelled the event as they couldn't accommodate a third person (aka you ruined our plans) (4) I'll pick you up first thing just text when you get up....oops stepmum has taken the car you'll have to wait Why would his father tell him all of that?? And again you're putting all the blame on the woman. I'm a mother and a stepmother and you sound like one of the usual bitter suspects who like to try and rip stepmothers apart for daring to exist.

And again you're putting all the blame on the woman. I'm a mother and a stepmother and you sound like one of the usual bitter suspects who like to try and rip stepmothers apart for daring to exist.

This site is full of them.

Just tell him you’ll take a friend instead as it’s an adult thing and he can do something nice with his Dc

I would do that too. How much fun is DSS realistically going to have at a craft beer place?!

Sorry just read your updates. “Cancel the cheque etc “

Your H sounds like a bit of a pushover, letting his ex and his snarky DS dictate his (and your) life.

It’s hard enough to deal with that shit anyway (sitting here alone after my DP failed to turn up today, as arranged, due to his DCs “needing time with him”. Despite him saying to me two days ago that they don’t do anything for Fathers Day, so he’ll be here, and lockdown meaning they have had 4 fucking months of him being there all the time!)

I can imagine that the bad news about your fertility will only make this situation harder - seeing your spouse prioritising his child over you time and time again, if you can’t have a child of your own, is going to be death by a thousand paper cuts.

Honestly if I knew then what I know now, there’s no way I’d get involved with a dad, especially one who’s got 90/10 50/50 with a shitty ex. I often fantasise about a life with a man who could actually be part of my family, not a reluctant guest.

"you sound like one of the usual bitter suspects who like to try and rip stepmothers apart for daring to exist."

I've already said that I'm a stepmother and a stepdaughter, so that would be an odd position to take, but they're as likely to behave badly from time to time as anyone else.

"I can imagine that the bad news about your fertility will only make this situation harder - seeing your spouse prioritising his child over you time and time again."

Many people consider prioritising your child to be the right thing to do.

"It’s hard enough to deal with that shit anyway (sitting here alone after my DP failed to turn up today, as arranged, due to his DCs “needing time with him”."

His children wanted to see him on Fathers Day I guess.

Why wasn't the DS and his Dad doing something together while the OP did something else good enough? The OP isn't his parent and was feeling crap.

Sounds like a pretty shit weekend, I’m sorry OP.

@SnuggyBuggy

Why wasn't the DS and his Dad doing something together while the OP did something else good enough? The OP isn't his parent and was feeling crap.

I don't know. OP said he wanted them to spend time together 'as a family'. Maybe he felt guilty about the cancelled date and thought there was a compromise to be had. Maybe he thought she shouldn't be alone. Maybe he thought it would be good for ds and op to spend some time together. Maybe he thought he could give them both a lovely time and everything would be ok.

To me, he was insensitive not cruel.

OP, I'm sorry your weekend didn't work out and hope you're feeling happier now.

His children wanted to see him on Fathers Day I guess.

Yes, even though they never make him a card or do anything to mark the day and when I spoke to him about it earlier in the week to remind him that they might want to see him today, and that he should arrange his week with that in mind, he said “they won’t, they don’t really do anything for Father’s Day” and arranged it so that he’d be here today, having been home for the previous two days/nights, and the two days before that too.

So yes, I’m aware that MOST people might consider it a day to celebrate with their DCs but in 8 years, they never have.

In fact my kids used to buy him a stepdad card and gift but we stopped that as it was a bit embarrassing that his own DCs didn’t do anything.

Insensitive is definitely the word.

God, what a miserable life some posters must have. Imagine being a slave complete pushover to bratty teenagers like that.
YANBU OP.

It's not Father's Day.

@Isobored

It's Father's Day today in the UK.

@Nousernamehistory
Yes but not where we live.

[quote Isobored]@Nousernamehistory
Yes but not where we live. [/quote]
The OP said in her opening post that she was not in the UK but why let a factual detail get in the way of rewriting events so that they feature the OP's stepson as wanting to celebrate Father's Day with his dad?

Lots of countries don't have Father's Day and others have it on different days to the UK & USA.

There are also references to children, not child, and some posters don't seem to have acknowledged the particular circumstances to how the OP was feeling or that she had suggested a compromise.

"It's not Father's Day."

I think the Fathers Day comments were in response to MarkRuffalo.