DP and money - yawn warning

[Picassosfriend]

So, I'll try and be as succinct as possible. When I met DP I was completely unaware that he had a bad gambling habit. I had a very good job and my own house and he moved in with me when I got pregnant. After holding down a hugely stressful demanding job, keeping the family afloat money-wise and having a second child, I found out that DP was a gambler. I paid off over £30,000 of his debts when I sold my house and we moved to a bigger place. We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful. Two years later, I found out that he had run-up another £32,000 in gambling debts. Made him join gamblers anonymous as a condition of us staying together and he slowly paid off the debt and got his life back on track. In the meantime, I left my job and set up my own business so that I could be at home for the children. This was my choice. Problem is, I have always had to manage the family money, as if we need anything it always seems to be me that has to save up for it out of my money. If I query this, DP makes out that I am a nag. He is a man child who puts on a good front of being successful to outsiders (on the back of the lifestyle my house has provided us with). We don't really discuss money as DP gets very defensive as says that I am obsessed with money. This isn't true. I want to safeguard my families future and not waste it on random frivolous spending that DP seems to enjoy. Most of the furniture/household items have been purchased by me. Anyway, on payday I asked DP how much he as paid this month. As usual he joked around and wouldn't tell me. I asked him to show me on his phone and said other couples discuss finances. In the end he showed me. I scrolled down his purchases and saw that he had spend £40 on the lottery in the past few weeks. I was furious. Isn't this gambling - and such a waste of money. We had words and I told him to delete the direct debits for that he has apparently set-up. Am I being unreasonable? Just for clarity, he gives me a set amount each months towards the bills and food, but has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc.

This is financial abuse

60k though..

You sure picked a winner there OP. Then you just doubled down when you apparently 'realised' what a dick he actually was.
Really, what is the point of knowing? He is who is has always been and knowing isn't going to change that. You've accepted all of it so far, he's got no reason to think you won't now
I'm sure it must be great for the kids

He's rinsed through £60k, that's my life savings.

He's gambled £60k and calls you names when you ask him not to spend any more.

£60k is a deposit for a house, a few years of private education or university for your kids, your pension or your future.

How can you look someone in the eye after they have bailed you out time and time again and disrespect them the way he is to you?

More to the point, how can I find a partner like you? I'd love a free ride cushty house regular bail outs and fuck all responsibility. Sounds brill.

Grow some gonads and ditch him before he ruins you OP

When I read your post OP, I thought I had written it.

My ex-H had a bad gambling habit and it all came to light when we had been married for about a year and came to move house. He moved into my original house and then we looked at buying a bigger house and getting a joint mortgage. His credit rating was crap, so I took out the mortgage in my name and paid the deposit from the previous house.

In the space of a year, he had racked up £42k in gambling debt. We tried with me managing all the money and just giving him ‘an allowance’ But he just loaned money from other people to use for gambling. His DF bailed him out, as I refused. Even when I told him to leave and he was due to pay maintenance it was a struggle. Some weeks I would get nothing from him.

He started seeing someone else, which I thought was lovely for him, but it turned out that he had lied to her too and she was giving him money to pay me maintenance, as he said that I was pressuring him for more each week and threatening that he couldn’t see his son.

It’s a nightmare being married to a gambler. They lie, cheat and steal.

The best thing I ever did was to get rid of him, but with children being involved, don’t think your worries will end and don’t rely on maintenance from him. He will put his gambling addiction above the needs of his children.

Our DS is a teenager and has a good relationship with his Dad, but I keep a very close eye on our sons savings and money, as I don’t trust his Dad not to be taking it or using it to gamble.

My DH racked up almost £40000 of debt without my knowledge (not gambling). I made it very clear that complete financial transparency and no more debt ever were the conditions of me staying. His salary has to go into a joint account and he is then given a monthly spending allowance (I get the same amount). I can check his credit rating whenever I like to make sure he isn't accruing more debt.

No way I would have stayed if he hadn't immediately offered to show me everything and move everything into joint accounts.

Why are you enabling his child like behaviour? You are in effect letting him carry on with his shoddy behaviour as he has no desire for change and knows that there are no real consequences to his actions.

This will happen again so you might as well start saving another £30,000 now.

He is a gambler and highly unlikely to change his gambling, manipulative behaviour.

Has he ever been to GA and/or counselling? You need to protect yourself/family.

I think you need legal advice. Now while you are considering your options. You don’t need to act on it if you’re unsure, although I would, but you need to know where you stand.

If he takes out credit again (perhaps with a payday lender or local dodgy money lender) then as his legal wife you could be held responsible? When he comes home beaten up you’d want to pay the five grand he racks up to the thugs as they could seriously injure him etc....

Because you are married he is presumably entitled to half the house in a divorce. Doesn’t matter whose name it’s in as he’s the husband. Sigh.

You are in a dodgy position and you have the children and their inheritance to consider. Have you a pension for yourself? If he messes up and you’re left with nothing and no income now or once retired... Could he also have a claim on half your business?

Then what @CalmdownJanet Said. He’s a gaslighting prick. Trying to hide and disrespecting you. He’s making you like his nosey bad mum prying into his affairs how dare you. But you’re not his mum. You are a wife, you’re a team and he is selfish. He’s made no attempt to seek help. The gambling’s sneaking up on him again. If you stay with him he needs to pay practically everything he earns into your account. He only gets money for travelling expenses, lunch at the canteen etc type money. With a little extra for bits and bobs like downloads, magazines, hobbies etc. You can then deal with his affairs properly. If you stay with him those should be the conditions. If he doesn’t like it he can fuck off.

Once you know your rights from the lawyer there could be something you can do to save the house for yourself and the kids. I don’t know if you can get him to sign something that says that he won’t claim the half house or something. Or that he claims it only once you’re dead and leaves it to the kids on your death. So he never benefits. Probably not. But that’s what you need legal advice for. Perhaps you could divorce secretly but stay together but he pays rent or something (i wouldnt, just trying to think of options) for the kids or other options. Ask the lawyer for all his advice.

You thought you were getting advice about his finances and how family money works for others. We’re all pretty much saying LTB. Tough to hear I know but it’s his own fault. He’s making no effort. He’s not a good husband.

Not gambling but my ex was shit with money. It used to go on crap. He worked part time and put some £500 a month into joint account. Any big expenses it was always me that picked them up - do work on the house it was my money that picked it up holidays and so on. There wasn't even a token contribution.

We split (for other reasons) and I realised how much money he was spending on crap. Probably half of what he put in joint for bills went on stuff for him alone that wasn't what that account was meant for. However because he lives on a maxed out od he had to use that account.

I am actually far better off financially than I was before (even though he only pays 60% of csa minimum) just because I am not supporting his reckless spending.

You definitely need legal advice, so you know the potential implications of various options. And you might find Gam Anon helpful (support for partners and families of gambling addicts). It is possible for people to self-ban from a lot of gambling, including online bookies, but I don't know if that includes National Lottery.

The only way I can see of stopping him is for him not to have access to any cards, but I can't see what would stop him from just applying for more in secret.

And all addicts lie and steal, gamblers are no different from junkies or alkies in that respect.

I think this would be a dealbreaker for me.

You sound like an amazingly kind and generous person. I’m sorry to say I have no advice but can only tell you that this reminds me of a good friend who was rinsed for money by her then husband and had to rebuild her life from scratch in her late 50s when he had used all of her money and savings and divorced her. She should be retired by now but he spent 1000s of her money. Sadly bad things do happen to good people. Good luck with everything. Xx