DP and money - yawn warning

[Picassosfriend]

So, I'll try and be as succinct as possible. When I met DP I was completely unaware that he had a bad gambling habit. I had a very good job and my own house and he moved in with me when I got pregnant. After holding down a hugely stressful demanding job, keeping the family afloat money-wise and having a second child, I found out that DP was a gambler. I paid off over £30,000 of his debts when I sold my house and we moved to a bigger place. We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful. Two years later, I found out that he had run-up another £32,000 in gambling debts. Made him join gamblers anonymous as a condition of us staying together and he slowly paid off the debt and got his life back on track. In the meantime, I left my job and set up my own business so that I could be at home for the children. This was my choice. Problem is, I have always had to manage the family money, as if we need anything it always seems to be me that has to save up for it out of my money. If I query this, DP makes out that I am a nag. He is a man child who puts on a good front of being successful to outsiders (on the back of the lifestyle my house has provided us with). We don't really discuss money as DP gets very defensive as says that I am obsessed with money. This isn't true. I want to safeguard my families future and not waste it on random frivolous spending that DP seems to enjoy. Most of the furniture/household items have been purchased by me. Anyway, on payday I asked DP how much he as paid this month. As usual he joked around and wouldn't tell me. I asked him to show me on his phone and said other couples discuss finances. In the end he showed me. I scrolled down his purchases and saw that he had spend £40 on the lottery in the past few weeks. I was furious. Isn't this gambling - and such a waste of money. We had words and I told him to delete the direct debits for that he has apparently set-up. Am I being unreasonable? Just for clarity, he gives me a set amount each months towards the bills and food, but has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to want to know the income and expenditures of a gambling addict who you have bailed out twice to the tune of £62k.
It would be unhealthy for any couple to be secretive about ‘their’ money when sharing a home and children but it is downright disrespectful to keep such information from a partner when they have done so much to support you.
I imagine this selfish and self indulgent attitude seeps into other areas of your life. I generally never advise people to hide money during divorce but in this case I think it would be justified.

So he has gambled away 62 000 pounds of which you personally covered 30 000 and he calls you a nag about money and you are STILL with him?
Why on earth?

He sounds utterly, utterly exhausting.

Honestly op I've seen a relative end up leaving his wife over a strikingly similar story (in their case, her luxury spending, i.e. expensive handbags and suchlike rather than gambling). Except in that case it was after 25 years of growing resentment, frustration, promises to change (which your DH hasn't even got to yet), tears, threats, losing home after home, rent arrears, being scared if the knock at the door was a bayliff, etc.. they're not even legally divorced and after a lifetime of work in a fairly low paid but manual job my uncle has nothing left. No home, pension, nothing, because it's all been pissed away on "stuff". He's been broken by it.

You sound like my uncle 20 years ago.

YANBU - you don't have 2 children, you have 3.
And yes you are obsessed with money (in this situation), but with good reason. Twice while you've been with him he has ran up debts of at least £30,000 and he doesn't seem to care!

He won't be open and honest about his money because he feels like he doesn't have to be, and he knows you won't talk to him about it because you don't want to be a nag!

Personally, I think he will only acknowledge his gambling/money issues is if you were to leave him and have a break. Make him stand on his own two feet alone & he might begin to understand what being a grown up is like.

If two people earn very different amounts and contribute in different ways to household/life then it is definitely perfectly reasonable to contribute different amounts, but I would expect everything to be contributed to on that ratio - including household items. If you want something that they cannot chip into (e.g. a much nicer table than they'd be able to afford) or holiday then that's your choice, but if they pay NOTHING towards your joint household then that's a different story all together.

You and your dc deserve stability. You can provide it, whilst your dh will just destroy it.
You are better off without him and the stress he brings to your lives. You've helped him enough. Time to put yourself and your dc first.

The awful thing is if he leaves you know he's gonna leave with half!

Thank god you are not married to him. You aren’t, are you? No way should you risk him having any claim on half your assets, as he would in a marriage.

Normally I would say it is reasonable for partners living together and bringing up kids to come to whatever shared finances arrangement suits them, and that means joint responsibility for home upkeep etc etc.

In your case I would keep him at lodger status because you don’t want him to be able to claim he contributed to The house in any way that gives him the basis of a claim.

All this is because he has an ongoing gambling addiction.

That in turn makes him something of a cocklodger and only you can know if that is acceptable to you.

But first and foremost protect your home and your assets, for your kids’ sake.

He may we’ll argue that the reason he doesn’t contribute more is because he doesn’t co-own the house, but if he really wanted to co-own as an equal partner he could have pro actively looked for ways to do that, paying towards it etc. He has held in to his money and financial independence to keep his habit under the radar.

Bloody hell, he gambled away £52k that YOU ended up paying for 😡

It was also deeply dishonest to enter into a committed relationship with you without disclosing his addiction and debts.

And he has been dishonest again.

I gave up 8 years of my life to an addict of a different kind. He wasn’t seeking professional help, it all got worse and worse.

He is dishonest, he is a cocklodger .

You have worked hard and built your life around your kids’ needs. What example is he setting them?

Too many rules here, and you are slightly annoyed before you even go there, this would put me off also. You will have to get organised with things, the night before you leave,for an early leaving also. But it will be nice to go away,especially if it's a lovely place, and you can overcome some things.

Oh, shit, just re-read: You did marry him.

Take legal advice.

This is the kind of nightmare people need to bear in mind when they insist marriage is always good for women. Nope: not when you had your own home and high income.

I would take legal advice ASAP and probably divorce him ASAP while the children are young and the marriage is as short as possible to strengthen your case for keeping the house!

I got divorced over a similar situation, he never admitted gambling but £30k debt in 2 years while on a £30k salary with low outgoings & nothing to show for it. I'm loads happier & remarried to someone brilliant. Thing is, by putting gambling first they cannot put you first. Ex said he wanted kids but spent 50% more than he earned! I have no regrets about ending it. And luckily, ex made no attempt to get more money than I offered in settlement, which was roughly what he's paid in to the house (my mortgage) & towards furniture. Probably couldn't afford legal costs, but also did seem to understand that morally he didn't deserve my money which I managed well. DH & I have a very open & honest approach to finances, and life is better. All the best.

If you don't leave him you'll end up with nothing.

All you are doing is throwing away your child's future.

Thank God you are not married - now just look at whether he will have any claim to the house.

Honestly this sounds exhausting.

He will bleed you dry of energy and money. Just get rid and you'll have a chance to rebuild your finances before you get to retirement because otherwise you're in for a very poor old age.

Even if you don’t separate, a divorce honestly sounds sensible to protect you from the debts he has inevitably hidden from you

As a practical suggestion, we each pay an amount into a joint account which is more than the bills. It builds up so any house costs such as repairs, furniture, bedding etc can also come out that account.

Claiming you’re “obsessed with money” is gaslighting, surely. You are NOT the problem.

You are very,very unreasonable to still be in this relationship! He's a gambling addicted,irresponsible,selfish human being! You're not in a partnership you're in a mother-child dynamic

The problem is as you are married no matter whose name things are in if you split up the starting point is 50% each after both of your debts are deducted. It sounds like a good idea if you see a solicitor sa to how to protect assets. Eg you could execute a "post nup" which could even have clauses about him showing you each pay slip, bank statement and never going on even the national lottery again.

I always have worked full time and ended up earning 10x my teacher husband who also worked full time BUT he and I are both careful with money and even though our divorce after 20 years cost me a lot neither of us gambled, both worked hard etc.

You’re married with two kids and he gives you money towards house keeping each month? Sounds like he’s your lodger not your husband. How has this weird set up evolved and why? I’d get rid personally. He still gambles and as a married couple you are liable for his debts. Imagine how you would feel if you lost everything you’d worked so many years for at an age when you didn’t have time to earn it back? Awful.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He is a relapsed gambler. Is that what you want?

OP kick him out, at least for a bit to get some space. Then think through what he offers to you and your DC. He should be paying half of all the DCs costs and half of all the upkeep of appliances/repairs, etc.

The 30k you spent on clearing his debt could have paid for 1 of your DCs university costs or a deposit on a house. He is depriving his own DC a secure future.

Can l just ask, OP, what is he doing about paying back the thousands you bailed him out with - while laughing up his sleeve at you and calling you a "nag"?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

YABU if you expect him to change while you're basically bailing him out and letting him please himself.

Six years ago I was in a very similar situation, down to the detail that he called me a nag, too, for asking the simplest question about his finances. The final straw was when he wanted me to bail him out for another £12k, which he claimed were "old debts". When quizzed he reckoned they dated back two years, which took us right back to just after the previous time I'd bailed him out. I wish it hadn't taken me years to figure this shit out but I did, and that was it, I just couldn't do it any more, couldn't live like that, worried every month that he wouldn't be able to give me his share of the mortgage and bills (it happened a fair few times, and I was expected to find the money from somewhere, mostly having to build up credit card debt which I hated doing). I divorced him and it was the best decision I've ever made. ExH got a very decent chunk of the marital assets, and even after our divorce I worried about him and how he'd manage that money. Shouldn't have bothered, about 2 years ago (in another crisis and wanting my financial help still!) he admitted he'd lost the lot within two months of our divorce. He never changed, he won't ever change.

I'd suggest you seek legal advice and think really long and hard. Protect your children and your assets. Best of luck, I feel for you.

I think he's been taking the piss out of you for years and is still doing so.
Suggest he gets his wages paid in to a joint account so you can keep a check on it. I think you are perfectly entitled to ask this seeing as you have paid off massive debts for him in the past and paid for most of the tings in the house. He's living the life of Riley leaving you to pay for everything
I couldn't be with someone like this knowing full well he is taking you for a ride.

He won’t change, get out while you can. Does he contribute at all to household expenses?

Leave him, make sure he can’t access all the money, get a great shit hot lawyer and find out the best and cheapest way to get shot of him forever. If you are the main carer for your dc and they’re still little, it shouldn’t be 50-50 IMO, you’d get a bigger share.

On the plus side it sounds as if you have the earning power to make good on it all in the long run.

Even if you love him, you still need to divorce him and separate your finances. If it’s meant to be or he turns over a new leaf, you can always have a relationship in the future In which you don’t share a home or money (though I wouldn’t want to after all that!)

“You’re obsessed with money” is just pathetic lashing out at you for being an adult because he’s shit with money. However I’d be pretty bloody obsessed with money if my H had cost me 30K worth of debt!

Over £30,000 twice- bloody hell. Why did you stay with him after the first time? I can only think he's really good in bed or something, but I don't think that outweighs you having to pay off that much.

£40 on lottery in a few weeks wouldn't be as much of an issue if he didn't already have a history of gambling, so arguably he shouldn't be gambling at all. It is quite a bit if he's set up a direct debit for that much.

I feel he's taking the piss with how he's treating you, in so many ways.

And to have a go at you when you're not acting unreasonably should be another nail in the coffin IMHO.