DP and money - yawn warning

[Picassosfriend]

So, I'll try and be as succinct as possible. When I met DP I was completely unaware that he had a bad gambling habit. I had a very good job and my own house and he moved in with me when I got pregnant. After holding down a hugely stressful demanding job, keeping the family afloat money-wise and having a second child, I found out that DP was a gambler. I paid off over £30,000 of his debts when I sold my house and we moved to a bigger place. We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful. Two years later, I found out that he had run-up another £32,000 in gambling debts. Made him join gamblers anonymous as a condition of us staying together and he slowly paid off the debt and got his life back on track. In the meantime, I left my job and set up my own business so that I could be at home for the children. This was my choice. Problem is, I have always had to manage the family money, as if we need anything it always seems to be me that has to save up for it out of my money. If I query this, DP makes out that I am a nag. He is a man child who puts on a good front of being successful to outsiders (on the back of the lifestyle my house has provided us with). We don't really discuss money as DP gets very defensive as says that I am obsessed with money. This isn't true. I want to safeguard my families future and not waste it on random frivolous spending that DP seems to enjoy. Most of the furniture/household items have been purchased by me. Anyway, on payday I asked DP how much he as paid this month. As usual he joked around and wouldn't tell me. I asked him to show me on his phone and said other couples discuss finances. In the end he showed me. I scrolled down his purchases and saw that he had spend £40 on the lottery in the past few weeks. I was furious. Isn't this gambling - and such a waste of money. We had words and I told him to delete the direct debits for that he has apparently set-up. Am I being unreasonable? Just for clarity, he gives me a set amount each months towards the bills and food, but has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc.

It's not boring at all BTW- it's pretty shocking.

Don’t waste anY more of your precious life with this man. Seriously.

If he wanted to be a decent husband and father, he would accept his problems and let you handle all of his income. Not that you should have to do that.

I'm not a ltb type on here either, but I honestly just see this relationship as bloody hard work, and very stressful for you. You would have a much simpler life alone with your dc.

He is still gambling...

You were extremely foolish to pay of his debt in the first place. What did you really think that would happen. That he would stop gambling just like that?
He did it again and again and you are trying to get him to change. His entire attitude tells you he is far from that. He will ruin you financially. Please wise up and think of your future and of your kids.

Holy crap £60K on gambling and he has the nerve to moan about you worrying about what he's spending on?

I find it gobsmacking that you only insisted he seek help with his gambling after he'd run up a second thirty grand debt - what are you, made of money?

Divorce him and separate finances. You can keep him as a pet, if you want.

He will ruin you.

Good Lord, he is a cocklodger with benefit of you bailing out his gambling debts, then complains when you want fait contribution towards family & home.
Do please tell him to close the door as he leaves.

"fait" ? no idea how that got there, soz

YABU to stay with such a loser and keep paying off his debts. You’ve done it once, he expects you to do it again, like a mug.

I wouldn't be with someone that is so selfish and also a liar. Sorry OP.

He's taking you for granted. You have paid off so much bloody money for him and he isn't grateful. He is the one obsessed with money because he always wants to win more.
He is a mug. I know this because I used to do it. I lost thousands.
To be honest did you see any PayPal transfers because he could still be gambling that way without the betting transaction showing on his bank statement.

I'd be leaving him. He doesn't contribute to the family and doesn't want to and then has the audacity to throw it back in your face

OP - he has crossed the addiction / recovery threshold by doing the lottery. That might sound crazy, but to anyone who understands the nature of addiction there is no happy-halfway ground to be found; if a drinker is committed to sobriety they don’t eat a liqueur chocolate at Christmas time - they spit it out and walk away. He, sadly hasn’t recovered from his gambling addiction; it’s still there. He probably needs to get back into in GA and have lifelong buddy style support, show determination, resolve and commitment - that is if he wants a future with you and the kids. I’m sorry you have to go through this, addiction sucks, we’ve been through it.

62 grand!! you could get an Abbey National mortgage with that, I know, I spent years saving 10 grand for a deposit.

You dont trust him , your relationship is like one of parent -child and doesnt sound very nice for either of you. I hope you safeguarded yourself against any claims against your home given it was a sale of a previous home that allowed you to purchase it and you have paid 30K on his debts. Your now married so he has a claim on your home if you decide to divorce him- sounds like a bloody mess

Is the house in your name? Or is he on it too?

He's an addict, with a lot in common with any other addict. You are coming second to his addiction. There's nothing you can do to change him. You can only look at yourself and the role you play in enabling his addiction, and ask if you are ok with that. I have learned the hard way that no-one should be okay with that, although I was for many years.

Get rid of him. I’m raging for you.

My BIL is a gambler. SIL found out when £25k was missing, she told him to go to GA or she would leave and take their dc with her. GA advised not having access to money, so SIL has sole access to all accounts, including his salary and she gives him money as required.
He still attends GA 10 years on.

I'm not sure gamblers, the same as alcoholics, can be cured. You wouldn't leave an alcoholic alone with a glass of whisky every day, eventually even the most determined alcoholic will be stressed enough to just have one. Don't give a gambler unfettered access to money.

If he can't accept you need to control your family finances, then honestly I'd leave. The financial risk and subsequent impacts are too high.

The problem is that he wants everything.

He wants:

1. the nice home that you’ve funded
2. the nice home/household stuff that you’ve funded
3. the not having to think too hard about money lifestyle -which you are supporting
4. being able to spend his own money frivolously and without much thought or discussion, other than giving you the most basic amounts for bills

It’s time for him to get real.

I think you need to lay it out for him. How you have funded the life you are living, how you are the one funding family/home “stuff”. The unfairness in how you are spending. The secrecy, smoke and mirrors, around “his” money.

Draw a line. Agree what is is now needed for transparency. What each of you should be putting into the family/lifestyle pot beyond basic bills. What his actual budget is for frivolous spending and how he is going to manage that -a separate simple bank account with no overdraft/credit is the best plan.

It’ll be easier if he is prepared to be realistic e.g. acknowledge his history of gambling, and accept that family security rather than his pride/privacy is the priority.

I’d be prepared for some bad news though @Picassosfriend. Escalating purchase of lottery tickets is probably him hoping for a miracle to pay off some accumulated debt again, without you finding out.

I have a bit of experience with this...not because of gambling but DHs ADHD which gives him a bit of a here and now attitude with money. It caused a lot of stress until we had an amnesty and both honestly acknowledged that it was a situation that was best managed in my hands. He keeps his frivolous spends and transfers everything else to me...fortunately he does trust me to spend wisely. The amazing thing is how much happier we are -home renovations that seemed forever stalled have moved on, fancy holidays seem a possibility again...some hard discussions were well worth it for everyone’s quality of life and financial security. The key thing though was that I have no doubt that DH is committed to our family life; he wasn’t going to walk away for the sake of scattering money to the wind on pointless crap every day.

People might disagree with me here, but if it was me I would make him have his wages paid into your account or a joint account.

You cannot have a functioning relationship with a partner who acts like this.

I put up with an immature man-child for several years. I came out of it with nothing and heavily in debt. His parents and grandparents paid off his debts and set him up in a new house. He is now leaching off another woman.

I've spent years trying to crawl back and pay off his debts.

Look after yourself and your children. Find a partner that will share responsibilities.

You have paid SIXTY THOUSAND POUNDS OF HIS GAMBLING DEBTS and he calls you a nag?!!
When he said you are obsessed with money I hope you said something like
"Only because I have to be you useless using cocklodging prick, you weren't calling me obsessed when you were sponging £62k off me and living off my wages, give me your key and off you fuck", that would have been my reply, not that i'd have paid the first £30k mind
This so much. Creditors could take your house since you’re married, I think you absolutely have to divorce him for the sake of the children. But how to keep your house I don’t know. Could you shame him into walking away from it by threatening to tell everyone about the debts he’s run up and shatter his Successful image?
You could always offer to casually date him once divorced if you like him that much. Go Dutch on dates of course

Of course you aren't 'unreasonable' to want to know how much he earns and where he's blowing spending his money under these circumstances. But you'll play merry hell getting the info out of him and it will most likely be either a pack of lies or only the partial truth. And you'll live the rest of your life 'policing' him 24/7 and worrying about bankruptcy and losing your home.

A better question would be "AIBU to stay in a marriage with a gambling addict who is ruining me financially and lies to me to conceal it?" And the answer is "Yes, yes you are!".

You've wasted over £60,000 cleaning up his messes. Wouldn't it be nice to see that money still sitting in your savings? Or to have spent it on redecorating your house, adding to it, or paying down the mortgage?

You can do a lot of wonderful things with £60,000 but bailing out an addict (any kind of addict) is NOT one of them. Because if you facilitate or enable an addict they will never stop. Why? Because they don't have to because YOU are giving them the means to continue.

Don't get sucked into the 'sunk costs fallacy'.

I understand not having a joint account with a gambler, but for me that would mean a household account that I control and an allowance account for him. There is no chance i would be ok with my partner paying a fixed amount and getting to keep the excess. That isn’t how life works. Household expenses come first. Discretionary family spending is second. Personal fun money is last.