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DP and money - yawn warning

138 replies

Picassosfriend · 19/06/2020 12:14

So, I'll try and be as succinct as possible. When I met DP I was completely unaware that he had a bad gambling habit. I had a very good job and my own house and he moved in with me when I got pregnant. After holding down a hugely stressful demanding job, keeping the family afloat money-wise and having a second child, I found out that DP was a gambler. I paid off over £30,000 of his debts when I sold my house and we moved to a bigger place. We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful. Two years later, I found out that he had run-up another £32,000 in gambling debts. Made him join gamblers anonymous as a condition of us staying together and he slowly paid off the debt and got his life back on track. In the meantime, I left my job and set up my own business so that I could be at home for the children. This was my choice. Problem is, I have always had to manage the family money, as if we need anything it always seems to be me that has to save up for it out of my money. If I query this, DP makes out that I am a nag. He is a man child who puts on a good front of being successful to outsiders (on the back of the lifestyle my house has provided us with). We don't really discuss money as DP gets very defensive as says that I am obsessed with money. This isn't true. I want to safeguard my families future and not waste it on random frivolous spending that DP seems to enjoy. Most of the furniture/household items have been purchased by me. Anyway, on payday I asked DP how much he as paid this month. As usual he joked around and wouldn't tell me. I asked him to show me on his phone and said other couples discuss finances. In the end he showed me. I scrolled down his purchases and saw that he had spend £40 on the lottery in the past few weeks. I was furious. Isn't this gambling - and such a waste of money. We had words and I told him to delete the direct debits for that he has apparently set-up. Am I being unreasonable? Just for clarity, he gives me a set amount each months towards the bills and food, but has no interest in using the rest of his money for household items/repairs etc.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 19/06/2020 15:34

Wait, what??? I just realized you aren't even married to him!!!!!!

You aren't married and his name is not on the house. Get him the hell out. Then get yourself a good counselor to help you figure out why you accepted his behaviour in the first place.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/06/2020 15:35

I don’t agree with partners taking full control over their partners finances just because they have a gambling addiction.

Just because there’s a reason to do it doesn’t make it acceptable. No one would ever recover from their addiction by people doing this, you’re just making it harder in the long run along with being financially abusive and controlling. No one should have to discuss every single little purchase.

It’s not fair to do that, so leave.

Immigrantsong · 19/06/2020 15:36

@AcrossthePond55

Wait, what??? I just realized you aren't even married to him!!!!!!

You aren't married and his name is not on the house. Get him the hell out. Then get yourself a good counselor to help you figure out why you accepted his behaviour in the first place.

This
category12 · 19/06/2020 15:38

No, they're married:

We were married by this stage, but I had to buy the new house in my name as his credit was dreadful.

MulticolourMophead · 19/06/2020 15:40

@Picassosfriend

I am sure that these replies are not what you were expecting. You initially asked what seemed a simple question, and the replies have come back highlighting the problem is far more serious.

That your DH is still gambling is clear, from your descriptions. The lottery purchases strongly suggests desperation, he likely has a pile of debt already.

And he is putting the gambling ahead of his family. Realistically, you are going to have to take drastic action to avoid being dragged down when he inevitably discloses yet another huge pile of debts. And I would include divorce in that. You have to protect your DC, and that includes making sure they have a home, etc. While you remain married to this man, all of that is at risk.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. Thanks

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 19/06/2020 15:40

@Notyetthere

"I think it is something to do with the app. I find that all my posts are like this. I out in paragraphs but on posting the bloody dies this everytime."
Oh, rightio, I didn't know that.

Sorry if you did use paragraphs and the app removed them OP.

MulticolourMophead · 19/06/2020 15:43

Oh, and when you divorce, make sure his debts are clearly listed as his, and come out of his side of the settlement. Don't accept any attempt to make clearing the debt a joint problem. It's not joint, not at all.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 19/06/2020 15:55

@Needbettername

Why don't you take all of his salary and give him an allowance?! Until he can prove he is trust worthy. This would be the only way I could deal with this.
I would still worry that he would take out credit cards or loans without me knowing though.

OP you need to separate your finances from his completely and I'm not sure if/how you do that without divorcing him.

Somethingkindaoooo · 19/06/2020 15:55

If he was serious about cracking his addiction, surely he would be utterly, and agreeably transparent regarding his finances.
Instead he is digging in his heels and whining .

That is NOT the behaviour of someone who is remorseful or who wants to create healthier habits and a healthier relationship.

I would lay money ( if I were a gambler 😅) that he is hiding other debts.

SciFiScream · 19/06/2020 15:55

If you do divorce him and he gets a share of assets...could you then request your £62,000 back?

Better than nothing perhaps?

flirtygirl · 19/06/2020 15:55

Divorce him, take every penny he owes you out of his settlement ie the 62k and anything else to make sure you keep the house. Make sure none of his debts are in your name first.

You should get to keep your house, get a consent order. He sounds too lazy to get a solicitor. You could do a diy divorce and consent order and keep the house if he is not that bothered.

Flittingabout · 19/06/2020 16:01

I'm sorry OP.

Whilst there are processes in place such as special cash cards etc that are recommended for people in recovery, there is always the issue of relapse....

It is one thing to control the finances whilst someone working through their therapy but quite another to essentially have the stress and mental load of consistently managing the finances for ever.

I think you will be much happier free of this marriage.

No one can know if their partner is trustworthy with money until their death and all the hidden accounts can come out of the woodwork. But a gambler is potentially fighting a learned coping strategy for life!

wildcherries · 19/06/2020 16:03

Divorce him, take every penny he owes you out of his settlement ie the 62k and anything else to make sure you keep the house. Make sure none of his debts are in your name first.

All of this. Stop letting him take you for a mug.

billy1966 · 19/06/2020 16:04

OP, you poor woman, you need help more than he does.

You have attached yourself to a waster.

Your life will NEVER improve while this sponge leeches off you.

62,000 .......christ.

Get him out.

Get some help for yourself.

You deserve better.

You need help to realise this.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 19/06/2020 16:12

When you eventually divorce him I have a feeling he will then be ‘obsessed with money’. Or more importantly how much of your money he can get hold of.

Spaceman1 · 19/06/2020 16:17

If you divorce the debts will come out of your joint equity so his debts will effectively be shared with you. I would seriously consider getting divorced or he could ruin you financially.

EL8888 · 19/06/2020 16:19

@Jellybeansincognito l think it’s actually him who is financially abusive Confused

AcrossthePond55 · 19/06/2020 16:33

No, they're married:

Oh, guess I didn't pick that up since she refers to him as 'DP'.

Then back to my original; research 'sunk costs fallacy' and get yourself a good solicitor and learn all you can about joint vs separate debt liability in a marriage and a divorce. Make your plans accordingly.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/06/2020 16:51

I’m not denying that, but it’s a lose lose situation @EL8888

Jokie · 19/06/2020 17:44

Where has @Picassosfriend gone? 1 post and that's it

Picassosfriend · 19/06/2020 18:12

Still here Jokie! Busy day so juggling work etc. Thank you everyone for your really insightful responses. Lots for me to think about over the coming weekend I think. I have of course thought about splitting up in the past and perhaps need to revisit this option 🤔. Also get called a 'tight arse' 😡

OP posts:
ComeBy · 19/06/2020 18:15

How DARE he insult you over ££ after you bailed him out by paying off £30k with your money?

When he paid off the next £32k, was it you he paid back?

But still, that is money that could have gone on family.

Whether you decide to leave him or not, please, please get legal advice on protecting your assets.

Since he is a liar and seemingly has no respect for you.

CalmdownJanet · 19/06/2020 18:28

Tight arse, after you bail him out to the tune of 62k, move him in to your house, supplement his life and he calls you names?? Go on I'll make a gamble of my own that he does precious little around the house too. Seriously op, pack his shit into black bags and fuck him out on the street, you deserve so much better than this ungrateful leech

coffeeandpyjamas · 19/06/2020 18:30

What are his redeeming features?!

It’s easier said than done but honestly, just leave him. Tell him to get out of your house and be rid of him and his money problems for good.

AlwaysCheddar · 19/06/2020 19:07

Yabu for not divorcing him.

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