Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

[wttaf]

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Hi op. It often happens on mumsnet that a woman comes on about something their dp does to deliberately upset them, like it is a one off. It almost always Turns out to be the tip of the iceberg of ShittY behaviour.

You might want to have a long think about him and what he does and start a new thread in relationships. People will help you through this.

[Bluesheep8]

As a pp said, it's not about driving or spiders. It's about getting perverse enjoyment out of you being frightened. Probably even more so by actually causing it. Dangerous.

[BogRollBOGOF]

He's playing on a reasonable weakness that you have (and are aware of) and playing with it for his own fun out of controlling you. Because you are aware of your issues and have a reasonable foundation for them you are struggling to identify where your primal fear is actually real fear which make it hard to challenge him because it's easy for him to swipe you down.

Even without the abusive fear he is causing you, because he is dicking around and distracted by game playing it is also far more likely that he loses control of the vehicle and putting you all in physical danger. His games would scare anyone without a foundation of fear.

You are not his toy to be played with like this.

Leave the bastard.

I second motorway lessons for you. They are invaluable as a skill. It also puts you in control which is a fantastic tool for managing your fears. Objectively motorways are very safe. Far less distractions than ordinary roads, everything flows in the same direction. "Just" use your mirrors well and work with the flow of traffic.

[Desertrain]

OP I wouldn’t say I’m a nervous passenger really, but reading how your OH was driving has given me bad anxiety - and with kids in the car?! What a dick!

[Desertrain]

You need to show him this thread

[LemonPeonies]

My exH used to do similar while driving, it was part of his emotional abuse. Is he controlling in other ways OP? I would honestly fuck him off sooner rather than later. Stop going in the car with him also.

[covidco]

Your husband does sound like a dick. But I suspect it is in response to you being nervous at safe and reasonable driving, which is really annoying! I'd refuse to get in the car with him. I'd also refuse to drive with you though.

[FilledSoda]

You'd be so much happier without him

[SunshineCake]

YANBU but you shouldn't have got in the car with him once you saw he was wearing flip flops. I once drove by accident with slide on shoes, can't remember their name, and had to turn back very quickly as not secure to drive in.

There are some things I don't like, husband thinks fine but doesn't do them as he doesn't want to upset me.

Your partner is a pig.

[lowlandLucky]

Why are you with a man that takes great delight in abusing you and your children ?

[NoMoreDickheads]

We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course

I would've thought that was to deliberately frighten you. The clapping thing is ridiculous.

Deliberate or not, he doesn't care if you're upset (or maybe even enjoys it.)

[SunshineCake]

I have just seen he falls asleep with the baby . Please do not let him do that. Babies die when they are smothered by sleeping parents. It happens every year even though surly everyone knows how dangerous it is.

He could kill them by driving or sleeping. Terrible person.

[SunshineCake]

@Sexnotgender

Are you married to my ex husband?

I remember one memorable trip back from the airport with him. Motorway, absolutely pissing with rain. He was doing about 90 and was getting enraged that I asked him to slow down. Got mad at me for even daring to look at the speedometer. He said if we crash and die he’s had a good life so he doesn’t mind.
We had our young child in the car.

Eventually he pulled screaming onto the hard shoulder and made me get out and drive. I was absolutely terrified.

Fucking hell. Did you leave him that day ?

[SunshineCake]

@Desertrain

You need to show him this thread

No, she really doesn't. Stupid advice.

If a man doesn't listen to the woman he says he loves he isn't going to listen to strangers.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Utterly cruel behaviour.
He knows your background, he knows it stresses you and he goes out of his way to increase your stress levels, to the point that he's actually putting your and your kids' lives at risk.

He might find himself amusing, but that's not funny, it's not teasing, it's not "banter" (fuck I HATE that word) - it's actively stressing you for the sake of it.

I honestly can't see why you put up with it when he's actively endangering your lives.

[ThickFast]

There aren’t any spiders, he’s just saying that. If someone I knew was scared I just wouldn’t mention it. He enjoys frightening you and having that power over you.

[Spied]

I think he feels generally inferior to you and does things like this to frighten you to big himself up in his head and feel better and in control of you. He likely doesn't have much control in some aspect if his life (work?) and has some kind of 'little man' syndrome.
If that makes sense.

[1FootInTheRave]

He is a nasty fat shite.

[Spied]

Do not get in the car again with him.

[rosiethehen]

Wow, what a man eh?

Ditch it.

[JRUIN]

I don't blame you for being fearful after your experiences OP and your DH is an absolute twat for being so ununderstanding, in fact I'd go as far to say he is being emotionally abusive, not to mention reckless and immature. I would get shot of a man like that for sure.

[Whywhywhy321]

@wttaf
I know exactly where you are coming from OP. I am in a similar situation. I was in a car accident 3 years ago where someone didn’t stop at a junction and all but wiped me out, leaving me disabled!

I hate being in the car with my husband. Like your ‘d’h, he also does the 1 fingered steering and clapping on the motorway. He also drives too fast and gets too close to vehicles in front! If I say anything he just tells me to ‘leave it’ and that I would be doing exactly the same if I was driving! I wouldn’t be.

Even on normal roads I hate sitting beside him, as he drives too fast, without due care. If I see someone braking in front I shout. He loses his temper and says he saw it and was braking. He didn’t and wasn’t! At a junction on the dual carriageway, on more than 1 occasion, he has been so busy watching traffic for a gap, that he doesn’t notice a car stopped in the middle of carriageways and has pulled out, only swerving when I shout at him! He constantly tells me that MY behaviour is going to cause an accident!

He has always wanted big and newer cars and persuaded me to get an automatic Motability car, supposedly so that I could drive! However he wants to drive it all the time and even told people he got it for his birthday! He insists that it isn’t my car, but our car, despite him having his own car, which he never drives, as it isn’t as ‘big and fancy’ as mine!! Like you this is only the tip of the iceberg and there are other areas of his behaviour that I struggle with as well.

TBH, if I wasn’t disabled and was younger, I would leave him! However he has his own (significant) health issues and hasn’t been able to work for over 10 years and I would be seen as the bad one. My dm would even take his side, as she is religious and does not believe in divorce, irrespective of anything. I have nursed him and worked 2 jobs (1ft and 1pt) and put his needs ahead of my own until the car accident.

You are obviously younger than me and all I will say is that this situation won’t get better. You will regret it if you let him carry on treating you like this and one day you will wake up and think why didn’t I leave when I should have!

[PuntasticUsername]

Do NOT show him this thread why the fuck do people always advise this. It's 99% guaranteed to be a terrible idea that will put the OP in a worse place.

[Sexnotgender]

@SunshineCake
Fucking hell. Did you leave him that day ?

To my sorrow I did not. It took me another couple of years. He was an abusive bully and I should have got out sooner.

[EngagedAgain]

@Whywhywhy321

Great post, could have written this myself, with the emphasis being don't leave it until it's too late. Better still, asap. I have suffered what I believe is Ptsd for many years, but it's not post, it's an ongoing thing! I agree with a pp, OP - do NOT show him this post.