Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

[wttaf]

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

Because if you genuinely love someone, you don't want to scare them.

Torture is the word for what he does.
Cunt is the word for what he is.

This is one of the types of behaviours that my abusive Ex seemed to take pleasure from. He got a kick out of seeing me anxious or scared.

Are you married to my ex husband?

I remember one memorable trip back from the airport with him. Motorway, absolutely pissing with rain. He was doing about 90 and was getting enraged that I asked him to slow down. Got mad at me for even daring to look at the speedometer. He said if we crash and die he’s had a good life so he doesn’t mind.
We had our young child in the car.

Eventually he pulled screaming onto the hard shoulder and made me get out and drive. I was absolutely terrified.

In terms of priorities, getting a power buzz from frightening you is higher on the list than protecting the lives of his family.

Do whatever you want to do, but think of your dc's. Don't take any non crucial car journeys with him from now on.

You might actually be less scared if you were driving yourself, as you'd have control over your situation. There is therapy available to help with your anxiety. It would be really worthwhile, I think.

You need to get away from this man, but dealing with your fear would give him one less hold over you.

Why would someone who supposedly loves and cares about you want to scare you in this way? Because they are an areshole.
I'm a nervous passenger for no real reason, but my dh wouldn't do things like that to scare me.

It's so upsetting to read how many people have such low, low standards for their partner and fellow parent.

This guy is a dick, OP. He will not have any good qualities that outweigh his dickishness. Leave and don't settle for anything less than a genuinely good person.

He is being deliberately cruel.
He is an awful man and you would be better off without him.
I imagine there are other things he does which are not acceptable either.
My ex did similar things while driving - it was part of a widespread pattern of deliberate, but subtle, cruelty which made me doubt myself.

I'd start by refusing to let your children travel in a car on the motorway with him. If you need to go somewhere, could you drive, avoiding the motorway? No way would any children of mine be in a car with an idiot like this, wearing flipflops and pissing about.
I appreciate you have a terrible fear of motorways and there is are very understandable reasons for that. Do you think you would ever be able to conquer this fear? Perhaps you could have some extra driving lessons on motorway driving, beginning at very quiet times so you can get used to it a bit.
You need to take control back from this horrible man.

I agree with you 100% You could try having some driving lessons driving on motorways. He is absolutely in the wrong.

As I know leaving him won't be an overnight job, here's some advice for the meantime...

DO NOT EVER let him drive you OR your children anywhere, ever again. He is risking your life and theirs by doing this for no other reason than his own arrogance. Let your anger at the way you have been treated push you to start driving yourself and your children where you need to go. After he's gone, you will need to be confident driving them anyway, so this is very important. If you can't do this, sell the car. I'm not joking or exaggerating, it would only take one accident for this to become a completely different situation. He will insist that you're being stupid by saying that he can't drive you anywhere again. That's bullshit.

I get the feeling that if you begin to explore your fears and start to present yourself as braver and 'over' your fears, you will see a massive change in this man. He will not be happy for you. He will be annoyed that you have taken away his favourite buttons to push and he will go above and beyond to find something new to freak you out with.

You most likely ended up in this situation over time, you didn't go with this man knowing he likes to torture you, you didn't know he would think that endangering his own kids' lives would be a fun game to him play.

Don't bother being the kind caring concerned wife/partner any more. You can turn into a shrieking banshee if you like. He will most likely say that's what you were like the whole time. That will be excellent proof of what he's trying to make you feel.

Yeah that's shit behaviour reinforcing your anxiety. He does not sound like a caring partner.

I agree with all PP, but also think the driving situation will, in the future, make the children either have the same fear of being in a car or they'll copy his style of risky driving - neither of which will be good for them.

my exH used to do this. He knew I didn't like going fast but he'd continually do it. I would spend whole journeys terrified. I also get very car sick and he knew that swerving would make me feel sick.

He did other things too which showed me that he just didn't value me (or in fact was trying to control me) - I left him.

(and after that I read Lundy Bancroft and he fell into one of the abuser profiles). He's still doing it post-divorce.

He sounds psychopathic in all honesty op. Seriously.

It’s cruel.
Why would someone who loves you be cruel? You deserve better.

He's an abusive cunt - LTB.

My DH is scared of spiders, my natural inclination is to leave them be as I don't like going near them to remove them. If he sees a spider in the living room, for example, he will run and lock himself in the bathroom. So I catch them and put them outside for DH. If he has a spider on him outside I calmly say there's an ant on him and remove it, if I say it's a spider he will start to panic, so I lie. I would never scare him the way your 'partner' does to you, what an awful thing to do to someone. How he behaves isn't normal OP.

I think it's not acceptable to drive in a way that alarms your passengers. I had a partner that would drive faster if I was worried about their speed anyway, didn't properly hold the steering wheel etc. I'm not an anxious passenger (and I can drive). I felt like I was being punished. Basically, if you want to drive like a prat and it's just you, well so be it (sort of) but not with passengers.

I think 'abusive cunt' is a bit much, but nasty certainly.

OP I hope this thread has been useful. I really feel for you

It's not about driving.

It's not about spiders.

It's about him enjoying upsetting you and being a nasty piece of work.

Nothing you could do would change that.

It doesn't matter what it is.

Do an experiment - try commenting on how X upsets you, or you've really gone off eating Y.

Watch him bring up X constantly or 'forget' and give you Y to eat.

And then there's everything else that's probably unsaid on this thread. The antagonizing.

Make plans to leave.

He is actually being abusive

Agree with the others, he's just a cruel bully. He's minimising your rational fears about poor driving safety to, what, torment you?

He's a sick cunt and you're better off out because this is one of many red flags. Expect more. Show your kids a better life by role modelling that this isn't a real life partner to put up with.

And you are still with this man because....???
He is not only an arse but putting your kids lives in danger as well.

@HumphreyCobblers

So he enjoys your fear and puts your children at risk.

What a horrible man

This. I think you know that you need to leave.

No he is absolutely awful

Driving dangerously is so immature and putting your dc's lives at risk?