Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

[wttaf]

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

[Ellisandra]

I was waiting for the follow up post with a different example - which turned out to be the spider example. It’s abuse, simply abuse.

[crimsonlake]

Reminds me of my ex when he was driving.
Tailgating and driving too fast. You could not point anything out to him when driving such as the fact he had missed a turn off exit on the motorway. He would also take his hands off the wheel and rather than ask me to get something out of the glove box when driving would insist on leaning over and getting it himself. I am so glad he is my ex.

[MaeDanvers]

As others have said, any reasonable person would find these stunts he’s pulling while driving completely unacceptable. What he’s doing is dangerous not to mention malicious.

Your other examples just underline he gets a kick from scaring and manipulating you.

[Hushabusha]

As every pp has said, he is abusive

[TwinsetBeck]

Someone who enjoys causing pain and fear in others is a sadist. He’s a cruel bully. You need to leave this man. He will need bigger and bigger thrills to satisfy his need to hurt and upset others. Children are much easier to scare than adults- I’d be very careful OP.

[cantfixstupid]

OP, this is just awful.

He gets pleasure from deliberately making you scared. He clearly has no respect and love for you as no normal person would do that. It is definitely a control issue. He is mocking you and showing you that he can control your emotions.

And the fact that he is willing to risk your and your childrens' lives by driving in that manner also shows that he has no love for your children either.

Sorry, but it's not right for you to be living in fear like this. He doesn't deserve you and your children if he can treat you all this way.

[Merryoldgoat]

What a nasty man.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Take the car out of the equation. That's too scary to contemplate, will raise heart rates and anger levels in most readers.

It's funny that PP mentioned spiders as I am terrified of them. He will tell me that he just saw a massive spider and doesn't know where it went.
Whether he actually did or not I don't know.

We all now someone who is sacred of spiders (I am). And we all know how funny it is, they're more scared of you, burn down the house and all that. But nobody goes out of their way to set up an arachnophobe with an anxiety inducing situation.

Early in our relationship DH lied to me, said he had caught and put out a large spider. Half an hour later it ran over my foot and I flipped. He explained he had lied to make me feel easier. I explained I didn't want to feel easier, I want to be aware that the spider was still in the room. I could cope with a long time, low level anxiety far better than I could the hear stopping terror of a big spider actually touching me! By which I mean, I can rationalise my fear better than I can control the knee jerk fight/flight repsonse.

DH has never, ever repeated that lie, even when it was a fucking huge, big as your head, spider in my bedroom. Because he believed me and loves me! He doesn't want to terrorise me.

Your D seems to enjoy making your life miserabel. He may think he is toughening tou up, or some such macho bollocks, but you kow he isn't. He is enjoying controlling your anxiety levels, making you live in edge at his behest!

He is fucking awful!

You don't deserve to live like that! Nobody does.

[LouHotel]

I don’t think there’s anything to add past the first response.

What an absolute twat, he’ll probably cause the death of once of your children in a driving accident all for the laugh of making you nervous.

[ThatLockdownLyfe]

Whenever this behaviour comes up on a thread, there is always other abuse going on.

He is abusive. What will it take for you to get away from him?

[ddl1]

YANBU! He is acting toward you like a playground bully, and potentially endangering you, your children, and others on the road. I would frankly refuse to go, or allow your children to go, into a car that he is driving until and unless he changes his ways. Drive yourself, use public transport, or just don't go: better than putting yourself and your family in the hands of a reckless driver - and yes, this behaviour is reckless. Does he act like this in other situations, or does he change personality when behind the wheel?

[AryaStarkWolf]

Oh that's shitty, I genuinely started reading your post thinking, oh you're going to be an annoying backseat driver but no, he really sounds like he's doing these things to purposely wind you up and then make you feel crazy when you get edgy about it. Not very nice at all. Why would he want you to feel that way, is the question I would be asking

[fuckinghellapeacock]

He's a bully who enjoys frightening you.

[Chamomileteaplease]

I agree he sounds evil.

And what worries me is, he must be horrible to you in all other areas of your life together because this would not be a one off.

And worse, I bet he's horrible to your children too. Which is even more horrific .

Please find some support to leave this man. Your life will be unrecognisable afterwards, I promise.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

Many of us know this type of man OP.

What else does he do that makes you upset, afraid, doubting yourself, resentful, or distressed?

I bet there is a long list.

And i bet he does very little in terms of parenting or domestic work, because, you know, it is beneath him and he is too important for that shit, but you aren't.

[Casschops]

That is not good especially when he must know your experiences. It is hard driving sometimes for long distances and is very tiring. Do you drive yourself? If so could you share it with him? Id you don't drive maybe now would be a good time to learn as being driven by someone you dont trust must be terrifying.

[Alittleshortforaspacepooper]

He sounds dreadful. Maybe it's time for you to make a new start?

[Jellybeansincognito]

He’s a nasty twat.

There isn’t a ‘fast lane’ either is there. It’s for overtaking and unless he’s overtaking he shouldn’t be in that lane!

[Seaweed42]

He sounds like another kid in the family, not a grown up. Like your older brother that teases you. Then he acts up to get your attention.
It's attention seeking behaviour. The function of telling you there is a spider is for him to 'move' you and see the impact of himself on you.
For whatever reason from his childhood he feels he needs to do that.
Has he always been like this or has this behaviour only started since you had kids?

Sit him down and tell him how you feel about these things. Really explain it and the effect of his behaviour on you. Make it a 'formal' meeting as such so that he gets it. Have someone take the kids for half a day while you two talk. Speak from the bottom of your heart. Show him that he has 'moved' you but it's seriously impacting you and it is making you wonder if you want to be with him anymore.

Does he ever mind the kids on his own? Or do you prefer that you minds them all the time. If he truly felt responsible for the baby he wouldn't fall asleep with it in his arms. Truth is he sees it as minding the baby as a 'favour' for you. Because no one has really trusted him with anything in his life. He has taken a role of playing the clown in life. But he can't do that with you. Because you are both grown ups now.

[HelmutShmacker]

I was really stressed out just reading that. It's not normal, if he valued you are cared about your feelings he would be doing everything in his power to make you relaxed and feel at ease. Not trying to give you a painc attack? The kind of people who enjoy making others uncomfortable are the absolute worst IMO.

[wttaf]

Thank you for your replies everyone.
I agree with pretty much everything (except the 2 posters that think I am criticizing him too much that I deserve it- I don't critique his driving, I just explain that I am scared )

Thinking about it, there's not much hope for our relationship. He antagonizes me everyday.

Thanks everyone

[StayinginSummer]

My Ex also drove like a cowboy, with one hand on the wheel, barely there, on the motorway. Checking by looking behind to our kids, even though I bought him a mirror. Driving fast.

I’m petrified in cars going fast, I have no experience of an accident, but I just am.

I realize more and more that it was a real red flag. He minimized my fear and would tell me it was something wrong with me, that he had to begrudgingly put up with. He’s shouted at me while driving before for ‘stressing him out’. I AM more nervous than most, I do understand, I am sometimes annoying. But there is a real ‘I can do what I like’ and ignore that my actions affect other people - in your DH and my Ex, that runs to the core of how they view their family.

It’s not good.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

Hi OP,

You deserve much better than him, you really do.

Please dump him and move on. Your children will thank you for it.

[nonamex3]

I cant see how any of his good qualities could ever outweigh this abusive behaviour. he could look like brad Pitt and have the personality of a saint half the time and it still wouldnt be enough.

seriously, sociopaths and psychopaths think like this - they gain genuine pleasure from seeing others distressed and use it as a control technique. at best, he is a bully. even the falling asleep with your kids on him so you take them back and never get a break - where is the gain? you would be better off on your own. honestly you would - may not seem like it now.

[Mittens030869]

I'm not scared of spiders but I'm terrified of wasps. So if there's one in the house, my DH helps by getting rid of it for me, through an open window or by swatting it. It does mean that I find outdoor picnics a torture at times, sadly.

My DDs are terrified of spiders, though, and I often have to put them outside for them.