Am I just annoying or is his behavior wrong?

[wttaf]

My OH has a way of stressing me out and I want opinions on if this behavior has a name and how I can call him out. Or if I am just too easily stressed out

Yesterday we had a 1 hour motorway journey. I am a really nervous passenger when on the motorways. I don’t drive on them myself and never have. My BIL died in a car accident a few years ago (he was not on a motorway but was on a national speed limit road) and my dad once fell asleep at the wheel on a motorway and drove into the central reservation in the middle- did not crash but I was in the passenger seat. I’m Not here to discuss my fear (I know I should get over it and I did choose to go on this trip knowing it was a motorway journey)

My OH knows how scared I am. He puts his flip flops on and I say could you please wear proper shoes it makes me even more stressed.. he says no he is fine. We are on the motor way and he literally holds the steering wheel with 1 finger, occasionally taking his hands off to clap to the music (we have young children). He knows this is stressing me out really badly but he continues. He drives in the fast lane of course..
On the way home he says he is falling asleep and keeps closing his eyes. I am furious and terrified. I am talking absolute shit to him to keep him awake and asking him if he wants me to drive, he says no.

He does this a lot of the time, doing things to put me on edge and make me scared. My example of the car journey is typical. I need to know is this my fault, Am I being unreasonable?

Have you ever, in a calm moment, broached this and asked him why he needs to see you scared and what he gets out of it? If not, do. Make him look at his behaviour when all is on an even keel and see it objectively for what it is; nasty and entirely self-serving. He might want to think about why he gets satisfaction from your fear and whether or not he is comfortable with being that sort of man.

The name you're looking for for his behaviour is 'emotional abuse'.

Get googling, have a read about it, there's tons of information online. I wouldn't let him drive me or the kids again.

I feel for you OP. But at least there's not a single person on this thread saying you're the one in the wrong, which must offer you some feeling of validation.

Agree with @Eckhart there's definitely a name for his behaviour. You deserve so much better than him. Have my first ever LTB. Because that's what he is, an absolute bastard.

OP YANBU. He s a danger on the road to yourselves and others. Even without your justified fear a motorway is not a place to mess about or wear flip flops!
The spider in the cupboard thing is cruel too. Dd has a fear of them and myself and Ds will put them outside if we see any because we re not dickheads.
It s so cruel saying he s tired/going to fall asleep driving when he knows your experience with your dad. Is he faking it to be nasty or is he for real?
I would call his bluff and say maybe he shouldn't be driving if he s falling asleep at the wheel, has sleep apneoa and health problems and maybe he should see a doctor? See if he admits the falling asleep is faked then?
I m sorry, cant see any redeeming qualities here. Putting my dc at risk would be the line in the sand for me. You deserve better.

He sounds very cruel. He enjoys scaring you - that’s not normal behaviour from someone who is supposed to love you. It sounds like he has massive disdain for you and no respect.

Re-enacting the incident whereby your father fell asleep, knowing that it triggered your fear, is plain wicked.

Jesus. Sounds like he's being a total twat.

If I were you, I wouldn't focus on the flip flops. He'll write that off and then tune you out. But insisting on driving when he's nodding at the wheel is CLEARLY dangerous!

If he does things regularly as you say "to put you on edge and make [you] scared" then get the hell out of this relationship before he starts terrorising your kids too. Think about the damage it will do to them and get out for their sakes.

I was once at a party in Australia and opposite it the police set up a checkpoint for drink driving and they fined everyone who was driving in flip flops. Or thongs as they are there.

I agree it’s emotional abuse. 💐

He does sound awful but it can be annoying having someone in your ear saying be careful all the time.

He's a nasty bastard. He's getting off on scaring you.

Does he always want the attention to be on him?

@PuntasticUsername

Gods, I've got my heart in my mouth just reading that.

Two reasons - first, he drives in a way that is objectively, undeniably dangerous. With you and your children in the car, among other innocent motorists on the road.

Second, he does all this knowing that it terrifies you - for very understandable reasons, given your past experiences.

He's a nasty twat, I'm sorry.

Exactly this

He's a piece of shit and you're better off without him.

I agree with PPs, his behaviour is called "Emotional Abuse" he's a bad 'un, and I imagine it will only get worse as he keeps pushing those boundaries.

Please read and take in some of the excellent advice you get here. Good luck.

This is deliberately cruel

He is being so EVIL.

Honestly.

Horrible.

Please leave him

This man is a menace and shouldn't be on the road if he's driving like this. He's basically driving dangerously to scare you and doesn't care that he's putting his DCs' lives at risk.

I understand how you feel, as my FIL died in a car accident; I get edgy as a passenger as well. And this arsehole you're with is being very sadistic, there really is no other word for his behaviour.

The spider comments are horrible as well. He's behaving like a playground bully basically.

I wouldnt get in the car with him again.

He sounds horrible. How old are your children? Has he started to bully and scare them for fun yet? He will.

My exH used to drive like a twat to terrify me. Of course it wasn't the only way he was abusive towards me (although it was only with hindsight that I could see them all clearly) - these things won't be in isolation.

You need to make a plan to get yourself and your children out of there.

So he's an obese cunt. Delightful! LTB.

Reading your post has really distressed me. What a cruel person.

He is deliberately putting his own children at risk because he gets a kick out of hurting you.

I don't think there are any great qualities a man could have that would compensate for that.

The word that sprang to mind when I read your post is “torture”.

He is torturing you.
He is a person who derived pleasure from torturing you.

Flip flops cause accidents.

They can get caught in the pedals and jam up thebrakes, rendering them ineffective.

Very dangerous.

He is an absolute horror.